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Red Flags? Long!

(85 Posts)
Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:14:58

Got together with one of my closest friends about 3 months ago. We have been friends for years and got on brilliantly. However, since getting together I have realised he has issues with insecurity/ jealousy. For example a few weeks ago (and apologies for tmi) I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.

I was dating before getting together with DP and he still checks my phone to ensure neither of the men I had dated in recent months have been in touch, demanded to see the messages I had sent informing them I was with someone and no longer dating etc.

But what has really upset me is what happened over the weekend. We went out and he paid for me to go to the cinema. When we got back to his afterwards, I told him (and again tmi sorry!) I couldn't have sex as I have a yeast infection blush He assumes I'm lying to get out of having sex (?!) and then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!

He said this in a way so I wasn't sure if he was joking- although he was grumpy about the no sex situation. Either way, I was horrifed and very hurt by this comment. He later apologised and said because we are in a long distance relationship it's upsetting that we couldn't have sex for the short time he's home. He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood.

I don't know what to think now- As I said, I have been very close friends with this man for years and years. He is in our immediate "circle" and I know he cares deeply for me. I think he's very insecure about my feelings for him (he'd pursued me for a while and I wasn't interested). Am I over-reacting, if the cinema ticket comment was a joke is that still inappropriate?

MrsToddsShortcut Wed 03-Oct-12 22:27:38

Good for you - we are here for you all the way

Usherwoop Wed 03-Oct-12 19:18:55

Lol I'm no Usain Bolt but I shall do my best!

It made a lot of sense the poster who spoke about my reasons for shying away from relationships... It's almost like I lose respect for a man when they begin to love me, how crazy is that hmm

I paid for him as he had no internet access- he'd just moved house. But I'm going to get my money before I tell him it's over.

He texted me asking why I was being "quiet" with him. I told him and he apologised and said he's not been himself due to the death. But the other red flags were before this so to be honest I'm not buying it one bit! The thought of sleeping with him repulses me now, definitely time to leave.

issimma Wed 03-Oct-12 15:36:56

Lots of great advice upthread, but yes, these are huge red flags. Please leave.

DreamingofSummer Wed 03-Oct-12 15:30:01

OP. Bang! That was the starting pistol.

Please do your very best Usain Bolt impression right now

MrsToddsShortcut Wed 03-Oct-12 13:51:52

Please run from this man. I've been in two abusive relationships and I recognise ALL of this.

Just to clarify, it's possible that he was able to be a pretty good 'friend' to you, because he would have perceived the boundaries to be different.

As a 'friend', you do not 'belong' to him. If you are dating other men while you are friends, he will perceive that you 'belong' to them. That you are their property.

However, now that you are dating him, he will view you as 'belonging' to him and he will believe that it is his right to control you.

Please believe that this is how they operate. I hate to think of you going through even 1% of what I did.

Lueji Wed 03-Oct-12 12:05:29

I'd probably give him back the cinema ticket money and call it a day.

After asking for the holiday money. Do it now.
Why have you paid for him?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 03-Oct-12 11:54:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Berts Wed 03-Oct-12 10:54:57

What? WHAT?!!!?! He seriously asked your friend if it wouldn't have been nice for you to put out, in return for a cinema ticket? How fucking mortifying for you, and for your poor friend, who must be thinking now 'what a dick, why is she seeing him?'

Not being rude, but based on my own disastrous relationship history and getting involved with controlling men, you should probably take a break from relationships for a while and look at what your approach to relationships is.

You mention being commitment phobic and having had previous bad relationships. Then you get involved with a man who is controlling and emotionally abusive. This is a 'red flag' for you. There is a reason - maybe you grew up in a home with unhealthy relationships/attitudes, maybe because you haven't resolved some past hurts in previous relationships - but there's a reason you shy away from getting involved, and then when you do, it's with someone who hurts you, or tries to control you.

Maybe you need to work out what that reason(s) is and work on that, so you can put yourself in a place to be ready for a good and healthy relationship with a lovely man.

nutellaontoast Tue 02-Oct-12 19:01:17

Cripes - he genuinely thinks he's entitled to sex because someone died and he spent a tenner on you. OMFG.

Run, run, run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and sod the fucking holiday money, you'll manage somehow.

Heart7 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:35:05

Dump, dump, dump. Whoever has died, it's no excuse for treating you that way. Honestly, the more you put up with it the worse it will get. Good luck honey x

I wouldn't be that surprised if this man ends up being edged out of the friendship group soon. I can just imagine your other friend's horror at being asked to endorse his idea that he was entitled to have sex on you because he'd bought you a sodding £5 cinema ticket.

I also note that this man clearly pestered you into a relationship you weren't that keen on in the first place. Are there, by any chance, any females who used to be in your friendship group and have kind of... faded out or drifted away from it?

(No, I'm not implying that he's murdered them, just thinking that men like him, who have major issues around women's sexuality - which is why they are reasonably nice friends but terrible partners - quite often have a track record of causing women distress to the extent that women will back off from mutual friends just so as not to have to see the awful man again, but without wanting to make a fuss.)

Helltotheno Tue 02-Oct-12 15:42:23

OP just text and say this isn't working out (I'm a fan of text in these situations cos it gives someone a chance to rearrange their thoughts/facial expressions etc.).... just add that you loved him as a friend and hope you can go back to that. Then cancel out of the holiday and lie low for a while.
He just sounds like a stubborn twat, even the thought of involving another person in that movie scenario.. just.. yuck on so many levels.

Bite the bullet, you know this isn't gonna pan out.

redadmiralsinthegarden Tue 02-Oct-12 14:06:28

i totally agree with the others, Usher. Don't text him back. don't go on holiday with him, don't have anymore to do with him. it won't end well if you do...

pictish Tue 02-Oct-12 10:12:23

Don't text.
If you do, his sulk has had the desrired effect, and he'll continue to impliment it as a means of control and manipulation.

I know I'm making it sound all dramatic...but trust me, this is how emotional abuse starts. Using little insidious punishments that are designed to make the victim behave.

Think about it - say this blows over (and I don't think it will - it's just for the sake of example), and next week he takes care of the bill at dinner. Imagine yourself back at his/yours afterwards and he wants sex...will you feel comfortable in opting out, given the drama that has ensued over the current situation?

That's what it's all about.

pictish Tue 02-Oct-12 10:01:34

This guy is a mess.

ArtVandelay Tue 02-Oct-12 09:06:29

I cannot believe he asked YOUR friend if you owed him a shag for a cinema ticket shock Then said basically, when it didn't go his way, 'don't be meanies to me cos I am bereaved'. Then he gives you the silent treatment - passive aggression. Weren't you embarrassed that he did all this in front of your friend? He has no boundaries.

Controlling, whiney, sulky... he's giving you everything you need to know about him. Dump and run - before it gets dangerous.

flyoverthegoldenhill Tue 02-Oct-12 09:01:27

Leave it.
Whatever you do he will badmouth you. Just stop the whole thing now. And you are doing really well.

Narked Tue 02-Oct-12 08:56:41

You've already expressed that to him. I'd leave it.

Usherwoop Tue 02-Oct-12 08:50:19

I was due to go to his last night- it was his last chance to see me before he went home. However I didn't want to see him on my own so instead I arranged to meet him in a pub and took along a mutual friend.

'DP' actually brought up the subject of cinema ticket and asked DF for his opinion. DF sided with me, saying it should have been something nice within it's own right. DP kept saying, "but would it have been a nice thing to do" (return the 'favour') hmm DF still defended me and a few times DP mentioned family member who passed away saying we should "stop being horrible" to him!

Anyway the mood lightened slightly, and overall the night was ok. Then in the car as I was dropping off dp and df dp gives me the silent treatment. Clearly because he was hoping I would go back to his/spend some time with him before he goes home- Not something I am wanting to do.

Today is the funeral of dp's family member, I did text last night saying I hope it went alright and he said "cool, thanks". Do I text today to say hope it goes ok, as I would if none of this had never happened and we were just friends? Or does the text last night make it unnecessary?

Heleninahandcart Mon 01-Oct-12 21:45:42

Dump.

Soon, you'll be hearing you have no sense of humour when you don't find his little 'jokes' funny.
Then he will say 'you've changed'.
Agree you should try and sort out the money some other way, don't be a hostage to that deposit. Your are worth more.

MMMarmite Mon 01-Oct-12 16:53:03

"Regarding the holiday, I'm concerned as he owes me money for the booking. I know it sounds petty but I genuinly can't afford for him to not pay me back, and as the holiday was my idea I can imagine him kicking up a fuss about paying me back . We are due to go with our immediate group of friends- I would not be alone with him, that would be far more awkward. But I kind of feel like I have to pretend everything is fine until after holiday."

This also sounds controlling to be honest. A decent friend would not kick up a fuss, they would make sure you weren't out of pocket, if things didn't work out romantically. Given his other actions, this sounds like he is using the financial situation as a way to keep a hold on you. If you wait till the holiday, then there'll be some other reason it's awkward to break up - it's better just to do it now.

I think trying to find another friend to take his place on holiday is the ideal solution - if not is there a chance of cancelling his place and getting some of the money back? Or, if it's like a shared holiday cottage, could you explain the situation to the other people on the holiday and get everyone to chip in a bit extra?

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 16:49:08

Send him one back saying 'actually I was thinking four never ever agains'

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 16:40:34

hmm indeed.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 16:37:47

He could tell I was being off with him and sent a text saying "you know I like you for much more than that (sex). In fact if that's what you think then I'm willing to not even do it for 4 months just to prove it" hmm

Narked Mon 01-Oct-12 15:10:48

Relationships bring out the worst in some people.

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