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My husband left today to be with OW. (Aus)

(166 Posts)
romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 07:48:09

So sad. 16 years married, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 6. Knew he was having EA at least. He said he was going for a bike ride this morning and told him that I didn't believe him, he denied and denied and it was only when I said that I was sure he was going to meet OW using her name that he admitted he was. We then got to where he admitted they had talked about him moving in with her but he couldn't/wouldn't say when he was planning on dropping that on me. All was calm throughout - as it always is with us. Lots of long silences and I was shaking like a leaf. I asked him to make a decision and he said we 'weren't working' and he felt he had to go. Best line of the morning - 'it's for the best' yeah right, for you! He adores our children and was genuinely upset not to be with them anymore. I asked him what we will say and he says that we'll tell them the truth in a few days.

So I gathered them up, told them to say bye to Daddy (which they did very casually, completely oblivious) and took them to the zoo then for lunch. We've actually had a really nice day just our little unit of 4 and I've held it together really well. Got home about 2 hours ago and he's gone of course but hardly taken any stuff with him.

I feel very disappointed and embarrassed. I have lots of good friends around who will drop everything for me but the thought of speaking about it makes it seem so real and I'm a VERY closed book. I also don't want to tell the world before the children know.

Added info. He had a short affair nearly 4 years ago which lead to us rebuilding our relationship and we did really well up until about 6 months ago when I realised the pattern of sneaky behaviour was creeping in again. Went for one session of counselling which was really just setting the scene and he flatly refused to go to the next appointment while we were standing on the doorstep of the psychiatrist on the way in. Doesn't want to face his childhood and shitty upbringing and mental family history. I really believe he is like this cause of childhood learned behaviours - both his parents had affairs/basically fucked up the lives of the 5 boys they had between them and their new spouses. All dysfunctional other than H who up until this morning looked like the model husband and father. We only told 2 people about the previous affair and no one knows what's going on now. It will be a massive shock to everyone, including our families and children.

So he's disappeared off into the sunset with his shiney new relationship and I've got to hold it together until we officially tell the children. sad sad. And longer term I am determined to break the cycle of deceit and disloyalty which he grew up with and focus on giving my children the most stable and supported upbringing I possibly can.

I know deep down I am well rid, really I do. I am focussing on trying to remember that not looking over my shoulder constantly and wondering where his phone is, who he's texting, what lies he's going to spout next is a relief. But I'm so sad as we really did get on so well and were totally in tune with everything we like and dislike/house stuff/children/money etc etc. I am sad not to be a 'normal' family anymore. Am afraid of the fall out and the pity from people at school and around.

My parents are on the other side of the world and will be INCENSED. They are due over here in 10 weeks to spend the summer. I just don't know what to tell them.

Thanks for listening.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 23:49:32

HOTLM is embarrassed about their relationship in the workplace and he doesn't know what's going on WTactualF? She wasn't embarrassed about starting an affair with a married colleague and she's ensured her blushes won't be spared by having him move in with her. He might not know what's going on but you can be sure their colleagues will, including his female boss who has been so considerate to you.

Should you have occasion to speak with his boss, I would suggest you tell her in a resignedly patient tone of voice that you're not altogether surprised at this development as he had an affair back the UK and, as a very good friiend has told you, it may well be that these 2 amours are but the tip of the iceberg - heave a sigh and imply that some things are never known and you've got no intention of investigating what may be below his waterline. This info will inevitably reach the ears of HOTLM and may come as something of a surprise as I very much doubt he's told her she's not the first, iyswim.

I suspect you'll find that spreading the news will become easier the more people you tell. It will be immensely liberating to relieve yourself of the burden of secrecy that has dogged your path for some 4 years, and will also serve to validate you and your dc who deserve not to be regarded as casualties of his casual view of the marriage vows.

In the space of less than a week you've come a very long way and should, rightly, be immensely proud of yourself for having maintained your composure and your dignity throughout.

There'll be dips in the road ahead, honey, and you may find yourself hankering for the illusion of what you considered to be a happy marriage, but by the time you reach the milesone that is your dps arrival you'll be coasting smoothly down the highway to a bright future.

Plan a wonderful weekend with your dc and don't be inhibited about accepting the comfort, love, and support rl friends will want to lavish on you - I wish I could be there to spoonfeed you chicken soup and pour you the occasional wine while reassuring you there was nothing you could have done differently that would have prevented him following his dick chosen path.

romaloS Fri 05-Oct-12 07:24:32

In fact he has told her about his previous affair. And she still took him on. Even he says she's a mug. What is that all about?? I think he uses these women as therapists, he told the last one all about his shitty family and screwed up childhood too.

Anyway, I have told all my close friends around here now, so no doubt will be the talk of the town although everyone has been supportive. Friday night is looming and I am DREADING it. No doubt he and HOTLM will be out living it up and having a merry old time, responsibility free and out in the open. I am going to indulge myself here and have a momentary bitter episode - I hope she reveals herself to be a skanky, paranoid, messy nag who expects him to do all the organising and drives him up the wall. And then I hope his willy falls off. There, back to dignity now.

My new mantra - thank you whoever said it - My revenge will be a happy life.

Thanks everyone. x

AnyFucker Fri 05-Oct-12 07:42:00

This man doesn't like women very much, does he ?

romaloS Fri 05-Oct-12 08:38:20

Perhaps not. Although he is def not a mans man. He was brought up by his alcoholic mother when his parents marriage turned to hell. It would keep a team of crack psychiatrists going for a lifetime dealing with that family.

izzyizin Fri 05-Oct-12 09:19:53

A bit of an attentions seeker who needs mothering, is he? They're hard work - always playing the 'helpless, hapless, me' pity card. Their dc grow up but they don't.

This type of man is the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me' adulterer and, if he's of that ilk, I'd be wondering how much he has in fact told the OW and how much of what he says he's told her is disinformation.

This weekend will be the hardest for you and, although it's far easier said than done, I hope you'll try to avoid torturing yourself with thoughts of the shallow losers pair of them out on the town without a care in the world as I very much doubt that either are ecstatically happy underneath the facade.

It goes without saying that HOTLM is a skank. When she realises that you're not going to put up a fight for his affections it might occur to her take a closer look at the prize that's dropped into her lap, perhaps while she's doing his laundry which I trust will wipe the smug smile off her face be arriving at her home tomorrow.

Take full advantage of all/any rl support offered to you in coming weeks. Get your gfs round and have a bitchfest. Stick his photo on a cushion and kick the shit out of it, or pin it to the bullseye of a dartboard.

The best revenge is to live well but, IMO, you can live even better after you've subtly put the boot in given free expression to darker thoughts such as dickrot and pox-ridden fanjos

Have you told your dps and sourced a lawyer?

SoSoMamanBebe Fri 05-Oct-12 09:21:23

You've behaved with dignity. Don't get invloved with his work and don't tell his boss about his previous affair. There's no point in besmirching him at work, his current behaviour will be judged anyway.

Please just try and focus on you and him and your children. Work out a situation that keeps the children as comforted as possible and that the heart break and disruption that they're feeling is as minimalised as possible.

Blatherskite Fri 05-Oct-12 09:34:28

When my Mum finally kicked my father out she said that she found 'taking back' her bedroom very theraputic.

She bought herself a posh new Duvet and a lovely, girly new set of bedding and she rearranged the room.

She said she slept a lot better when it felt like her new bed rather than their old bed

Abitwobblynow Fri 05-Oct-12 09:53:01

It is very important to go no contact. Do NOT listen to his self-pitying victimhood, do not respond to his texts.

This is for you: because in a way you are addicted to him, too and we have this ridiculous thing of saving them from themselves

No contact helps you sever the co-dependent connection.

izzyizin Fri 05-Oct-12 09:53:25

I'm not proposing that romola phones his boss and has a rant, SoSo. That would be crass and reflect badly on her.

However, I suspect that his boss, who's been so considerate to romola in the past, will give her a call to see how she's faring and I see no reason why she shouldn't muse out loud, as it were, on a woman to woman basis as is usual in these situations.

As you've observed, his behaviour will be judged and, as it helps to be in possession of the facts rather than basing any judgement on rumour and speculation, should opportunity arise I see no reason why romola should be less than honest with his colleagues, including his boss.

It also occurs to me that if romola doesn't make it clear this is a two strikes and he's out situation, it may be that some may take it upon themselves to plague her attempt to bring about a reconciliation.

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 00:39:16

The first dreaded Friday night is over for you and I hope you've got some feelgood plans for the weekend that will carry you through to Sunday, which will be the one week anniversary of him telling you that he was a lying gobshite throwing his dick lot in with HOTLM, and beyond.

Although the pangs will take time to cease their endless stabbing, once you've got through this first weekend it will begin to get easier as you come to terms with your altered state.

The saying has it that everything happens for a reason. You have reason to be glad that he dropped his bombshell now rather than shortly after your dps' forthcoming visit and, given time, I feel sure you will also feel glad that you have been relieved of the responsibility of maintaining a marriage singlehandedly.

Onwards and upwards, honey. There'll be times when you'll feel quietly despairing beaten but you'll always be unbowed.

Restart Sat 06-Oct-12 04:20:47

Hi pretty much the same thing happened to me about 4 years ago, left for ow also a subordinate of his at work. (I'm in Melbourne but from UK/Ireland). Don't be caught on the back foot, they've been discussing and planning and she will already have her agenda laid out in her mind re: their future together. He will be temporarily stalled by the guilt and shock of todays confrontation, but my experience is that his attitude will change and you will be seen as in the way of his new life if he proceeds down this path. You will be demonised and will need to be ready to fight for your rights. Get legal advice asap. It's not the same as the UK in terms of naming her as the other woman, that won't really be relevant. Get clear on your entitlements in terms of settlement, spousal support and CSA. I wrote a blog to help people in similar situations, you might find some useful links there it's restartyourlife.info . 4 years down the track my life is a lot different to what I imagined it would be, but I am so much happier as a person and feel so much more like myself. I hadn't realised how erosive our relationship had been to me, I spent 16 years making up for his inadequacies as a partner and human being, and all my own needs were shelved. Now I am worse off financially, but so much richer emotionaly. He is well off materially, has a new baby on the way at 46, but I can tell from the limited contact I have with him that he is still an unhappy little man that will never be happy as nothing will ever be enough to fill his inner void. Stay strong, you've just been released early from a life sentence xxx

AnyFucker Sun 07-Oct-12 18:36:20

That is a great post, Restart, although I am sorry that happened to you

romaloS Mon 08-Oct-12 10:16:35

Hi everyone, thanks for your support and stories.

Just a quick update. Friday night was shit as expected. Have spent the weekend baring my sole to all and sundry and getting surprisingly used to it! Everyone is so shocked. Had a great afternoon yesterday when lots of friends pitched up (with wine) and all kids, dogs etc and it was just like normal and they were so supportive. So great to know that I'm hopefully not going to be a social pariah now I'm not part of a happy couple.

Was really hard telling the children's teachers this morning. But they were all lovely and supportive and the children still seem pretty fine. It's good for them to get back to school and have their normal routines back. I also went to work and my boss was fantastic. I go back to work tomorrow after the holidays.

Today I have also been to see the counsellor who was quite good but I'm not sure I'll get a lot out of it in the long term. I'm pretty self aware. She did say that I should call him on his behaviour, while the children are around so that they know that it's not ok to walk out on your family or not to communicate, deal with conflict etc etc. So I did that and predictably he has no defence, is sorry but can't help himself, feels like a shit, but still feels like an involved father. I am very pissed off that I've spent the weekend explaining everything to people left right and centre and he's wandered in like dad of the year and buggered off again to his love den without having to face anyone. However looking forward I know that's not healthy for him and he is not going to be a happy camper in the long run.

Onwards and upwards thanks

romaloS Mon 08-Oct-12 10:17:40

Oh and meant to say it's awful to see so many similar stories on MN this week, there are a lot of shitbags about it would seem. What is it with these weak, selfish men??

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 10:36:23

This board has been something of a Heartbreak Hotel of late and IMO it must be something in their the water, honey. Either that or twuntism is a contagious disease.

Glad to hear you've got through the weekend relatively unscathed and that you've had some great support from friends/neighbours. Given your warmth and wit, there was never any danger of you becoming a social pariah but the same can't be said for him and there'll only be so many times he'll be able to wander in and out without having to face those in the know.

But what was he doing 'wandering in'? hmm I hope he didn't drop by unannounced...

If your counsellor comes up with ideas you hadn't thought of helps you gain a perspective that enables you to move on quicker than you otherwise may have done, it'll be worth taking the time to attend sessions until such time as you are confident that you don't need any more.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Oct-12 20:49:52

You sound brilliant, OP.

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