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My husband left today to be with OW. (Aus)

(166 Posts)
romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 07:48:09

So sad. 16 years married, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 6. Knew he was having EA at least. He said he was going for a bike ride this morning and told him that I didn't believe him, he denied and denied and it was only when I said that I was sure he was going to meet OW using her name that he admitted he was. We then got to where he admitted they had talked about him moving in with her but he couldn't/wouldn't say when he was planning on dropping that on me. All was calm throughout - as it always is with us. Lots of long silences and I was shaking like a leaf. I asked him to make a decision and he said we 'weren't working' and he felt he had to go. Best line of the morning - 'it's for the best' yeah right, for you! He adores our children and was genuinely upset not to be with them anymore. I asked him what we will say and he says that we'll tell them the truth in a few days.

So I gathered them up, told them to say bye to Daddy (which they did very casually, completely oblivious) and took them to the zoo then for lunch. We've actually had a really nice day just our little unit of 4 and I've held it together really well. Got home about 2 hours ago and he's gone of course but hardly taken any stuff with him.

I feel very disappointed and embarrassed. I have lots of good friends around who will drop everything for me but the thought of speaking about it makes it seem so real and I'm a VERY closed book. I also don't want to tell the world before the children know.

Added info. He had a short affair nearly 4 years ago which lead to us rebuilding our relationship and we did really well up until about 6 months ago when I realised the pattern of sneaky behaviour was creeping in again. Went for one session of counselling which was really just setting the scene and he flatly refused to go to the next appointment while we were standing on the doorstep of the psychiatrist on the way in. Doesn't want to face his childhood and shitty upbringing and mental family history. I really believe he is like this cause of childhood learned behaviours - both his parents had affairs/basically fucked up the lives of the 5 boys they had between them and their new spouses. All dysfunctional other than H who up until this morning looked like the model husband and father. We only told 2 people about the previous affair and no one knows what's going on now. It will be a massive shock to everyone, including our families and children.

So he's disappeared off into the sunset with his shiney new relationship and I've got to hold it together until we officially tell the children. sad sad. And longer term I am determined to break the cycle of deceit and disloyalty which he grew up with and focus on giving my children the most stable and supported upbringing I possibly can.

I know deep down I am well rid, really I do. I am focussing on trying to remember that not looking over my shoulder constantly and wondering where his phone is, who he's texting, what lies he's going to spout next is a relief. But I'm so sad as we really did get on so well and were totally in tune with everything we like and dislike/house stuff/children/money etc etc. I am sad not to be a 'normal' family anymore. Am afraid of the fall out and the pity from people at school and around.

My parents are on the other side of the world and will be INCENSED. They are due over here in 10 weeks to spend the summer. I just don't know what to tell them.

Thanks for listening.

AThingInYourLife Mon 01-Oct-12 09:46:30

Great post from izzy - take control of this

Give him a short deadline for getting the rest of his shit out of your home.

Thelittlestranger Mon 01-Oct-12 09:48:23

I haven't been in this situation, but agree with the round robin/telling close friends and family.

When the ex and I split up because of something he had done, for the first time I was honest with my parents at what had happened, because I knew by telling them the truth, and some of what had been going on, it made me stronger and less likely to go back to him. By not telling people, it keeps the door open for him to walk back in as if nothing has happened.

Good luck, you sound very strong...the ony way is up from here!

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 09:48:41

OP, print off izzy's post and keep it in your purse for when you feel a wobble coming on. It is precisely what you should do.

Be prepared for CockOfTheUniverse to come crawling back when the shine wears off the new tits and ass. I sincerely hope you tell him to Fuck Right Off when he does.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 09:49:53

It's been such a relief to talk it though and get support. Thank you all so much. MN rocks.

izzyizin Mon 01-Oct-12 09:50:41

She must have come to pick him up though as a wheely case is gone and that would be tricky to manage while cycling I've got got visions of them cycling to her laundromat love nest on a tandem with wheely case tied to rear grin

Bin bags to the ready, honey, and this is one occasion when there's no need to separate clean from dirty or summer from winter when you're crumpling carefully placing his clothing in them.

As for his guitar, amp, kindle (not planning to do much reading while in the company of Ms LM then?) and any other junk he's got cluttering up your home, bonfire night approaches and until then I suggest you pile it up in your front yard and encourage your dc and their pals to make a guy. Or decorate the pile in Halloween style with lighted pumpkins a spark from which might cause a conflagration

Wth regard to Ms LM's readiness to shag shack up with a married but immature twunt, I suspect it's a case of irresistable foetal attraction.

I shall be looking forward to your updates... all the Oz women I know are right on natural born feminists have a robust pioneering spirit and, as I'm sure you know, when in Rome you're best advised to live as the Romans do smile

MajorB Mon 01-Oct-12 09:50:52

You are sounding very strong and dignified romaloS, I think you must be feeling a huge amount of relief that the second-guessing is over now you know the truth. Focus on that, and the fact that you deserve so much better than the half-life you've been living with your ex as he saves the best bits of himself for another.

Please bag his stuff up and get him to take it asap. If the OW wants him that badly, she can have him -dirty underwear and all!

Lastly, do see a solicitor in the next couple of days. I know you say you're happy to stay in Aus now, but what about 5 years, or ten years down the line? You don't want your ex to be able to dictate where you live (which he currently can do because of the children).

I'm not a lawyer, but there must be some kind of legal document you can get drawn up (& get him to sign whilst he's still feeling guilty) which states he is happy to let you and the children move back to the UK whenever the time is right.

Looking forward, if you &/or the kids get homesick at any stage, you don't want the ex refusing to let you leave as he'd miss out on his fortnightly trip with them to MacDonalds.

Take care of yourself, you sound like a very strong woman, but now is the time to let others help you, don't try to deal with this all alone.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 09:51:19

Thanks AF. I hope so too.

showtunesgirl Mon 01-Oct-12 09:53:10

OP, you sound like an amazing woman. So strong and resilient. But just to say that being too strong can be a weakness so if you have friends who can help, then let them. You don't have to do this alone. X

porcamiseria Mon 01-Oct-12 09:54:27

sending LOTS of love your way OP

I am so sorry. Its the easiest thing to say "you are well rid" but the next few months will be so hard

what izzy said, 100 times over

ultimately you deserve a faithful man, who gives you the love you deserve

stay strong, and please try and maintain hope for happy days to come, as they will xxxxx

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 09:57:06

Thanks Izzy and majorB. I do actually have several Aussie friends with robust pioneering spirit who might well want to punch his lights out.
Yes, I do need to let other people in. I think I will text him tomorrow and command his presence after work to tell the children and then do the round robin to my close friends here firstly. The UK crew and parents can wait a few days.

Good idea re document re returning to UK and seeing a solicitor asap. Thanks.

Mintyy Mon 01-Oct-12 09:59:24

I'm truly sorry this has happened but I hope you know deep in your heart that you will be better off living apart from this man. There is always going to be a connection between you so you are going to have to learn to live with that, but you must concentrate on shutting down the romantic view you have of your relationship as husband and wife cos that really is over.

It strikes me that ow might not necessarily be delighted that he's moving in with her so soon? It sounds as though your conversation forced the issue and he went when she wasn't necessarily expecting him. Childish, I know, but the possibility that she is not exactly jumping for joy as this messy situation and rather wishes he hadn't moved in just yet, leaves me feeling faintly amused.

Do you know where she lives? Dump the black bin bags of dirty washing on her porch.

Chandon Mon 01-Oct-12 10:02:19

what a complete and utter fuckwit.

You owe him nothing.

Financially, get ALL you can. Not out of spite, but you want the best for your kids and he may already be starting a new family...his priorities will change.

Don't count on any (financial) promises he makes, get a lawyer and get what is rightfully yours and your kids.

Shakey1500 Mon 01-Oct-12 10:03:48

All the very best to you. You do indeed, sound very strong, and I'm a great fan of Fake it till you make it. It sounds like it will be shit for a while but that's ok. There needs to be that period of crying, playing stupidly soppy CD's, getting it all out and accepting any help and support that's offered and needed.

skyebluesapphire Mon 01-Oct-12 10:07:07

so sorry. You have had some good advice on here. I am 6 months in to my STBXH walking out on me and its not been easy but I have survived and had some great support on here.

It DOES get easier with time....

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 10:11:59

When the ex and I split up because of something he had done, for the first time I was honest with my parents at what had happened, because I knew by telling them the truth, and some of what had been going on, it made me stronger and less likely to go back to him. By not telling people, it keeps the door open for him to walk back in as if nothing has happened.
Just read this again from Thelittlestranger. It completely resonates with me and is exactly what I did after the last affair. I am going to not keep everything secret anymore, just adds to the whole deceitful nature of the situation. My parents are fantastic and will be massively supportive. My DM may take out a contract on him however, she has a very dim view of philandering men, particularly those who have children, which is why I didn't tell them the last time. <sigh>

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 10:20:50

Do not protect him for the consequences of his actions

That is what you did last time, and how did he repay your generosity of spirit ? By shitting on you again

no more

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 10:23:00

Just told DS1 (10) that Daddy won't be back tonight as he's gone out with friends and is staying over and he said Oh he's having a sleepover! sad

On a positive note they've not really mentioned him much or noticed he's been absent up until now (nearly 7pm). I do all the childcare/school/clubs/organising/cooking etc so their basic day to day lives won't shift too much initially. Daren't think about him taking them anywhere yet though. I told him he absolutely was not taking them to her house and he did agree.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 01-Oct-12 10:23:11

Definetly bag all his stuff up. If he hasn't got it by bin day tell him it'll be out with the trash.

I am sure many MNers have shed a tear reading this so common event unfolding. Sending you my best wishes,hope you stay strong & take comfort from the strong advice of concerned MNers.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 10:44:00

thanks everyone. Your support is invaluable. I'm so glad I posted.

izzyizin Mon 01-Oct-12 10:58:45

When commanding requesting his presence, tell him to forget about pedal power and arrive in a van/people carrier style taxi as you will be expecting to him to remove all of his possessions after you've told the dc so as not to leave them in any doubt that his departure is permanent.

Before he returns to his new squeeze abode ask him to hand over his keys to your home as he now has no need of them.

If the dc ask when/how often they'll be seeing their df, reassure them that he'll be coming to pick them up and take them out every weekend and other occasions to be arranged, thus disabusing him of any notion that he'll be able to come and go as he pleases or that he's going to be spending his spare time hip deep in Ms LM's fond embrace.

Privately inform him that until a suitable period of time has passed, he's best advised not to dare you won't be expecting him to introduce your dc to the ow but he should be giving thought now to the need to provide extra beds/bedding and whatever else may be required to have the dc staying over for weekends as soon as hell freezes over they're ready to meet her, or he has a place of his own.

Do any weeping you feel the need to engage in here where the tissues and hands to hold are limitless and present him with a cool, calm, and collected exterior that oozes 'this is how it's going to be and you'd better get used it pdq'.

Once he realises that you've got him by the short and curlies undergone a sea change in your affections for him it's a foregone conclusion that, as AF has said, he'll be back begging for 'another chance' and making promises he has no intention of keeping.

Don't be taken in, honey. He's addicted to cheap thrills and he's always going to be in search of a new fix. You and your deserve a lot more and I have no doubt your lives will be infinitely more fulfilling without him being in your home.

clam Mon 01-Oct-12 11:04:01

izzy I think I lurve you.

<<in awe>>

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 11:10:06

ditto clam. All noted, thanks so much izzy.

LFARAJ Mon 01-Oct-12 11:13:27

I am so sorry to hear about it.
Take one day at a time and try to be kind to yourself.
Your biggest revenge is your own happiness.

clam Mon 01-Oct-12 11:15:32

And his UNhappiness.

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