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My husband left today to be with OW. (Aus)

(166 Posts)
romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 07:48:09

So sad. 16 years married, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 6. Knew he was having EA at least. He said he was going for a bike ride this morning and told him that I didn't believe him, he denied and denied and it was only when I said that I was sure he was going to meet OW using her name that he admitted he was. We then got to where he admitted they had talked about him moving in with her but he couldn't/wouldn't say when he was planning on dropping that on me. All was calm throughout - as it always is with us. Lots of long silences and I was shaking like a leaf. I asked him to make a decision and he said we 'weren't working' and he felt he had to go. Best line of the morning - 'it's for the best' yeah right, for you! He adores our children and was genuinely upset not to be with them anymore. I asked him what we will say and he says that we'll tell them the truth in a few days.

So I gathered them up, told them to say bye to Daddy (which they did very casually, completely oblivious) and took them to the zoo then for lunch. We've actually had a really nice day just our little unit of 4 and I've held it together really well. Got home about 2 hours ago and he's gone of course but hardly taken any stuff with him.

I feel very disappointed and embarrassed. I have lots of good friends around who will drop everything for me but the thought of speaking about it makes it seem so real and I'm a VERY closed book. I also don't want to tell the world before the children know.

Added info. He had a short affair nearly 4 years ago which lead to us rebuilding our relationship and we did really well up until about 6 months ago when I realised the pattern of sneaky behaviour was creeping in again. Went for one session of counselling which was really just setting the scene and he flatly refused to go to the next appointment while we were standing on the doorstep of the psychiatrist on the way in. Doesn't want to face his childhood and shitty upbringing and mental family history. I really believe he is like this cause of childhood learned behaviours - both his parents had affairs/basically fucked up the lives of the 5 boys they had between them and their new spouses. All dysfunctional other than H who up until this morning looked like the model husband and father. We only told 2 people about the previous affair and no one knows what's going on now. It will be a massive shock to everyone, including our families and children.

So he's disappeared off into the sunset with his shiney new relationship and I've got to hold it together until we officially tell the children. sad sad. And longer term I am determined to break the cycle of deceit and disloyalty which he grew up with and focus on giving my children the most stable and supported upbringing I possibly can.

I know deep down I am well rid, really I do. I am focussing on trying to remember that not looking over my shoulder constantly and wondering where his phone is, who he's texting, what lies he's going to spout next is a relief. But I'm so sad as we really did get on so well and were totally in tune with everything we like and dislike/house stuff/children/money etc etc. I am sad not to be a 'normal' family anymore. Am afraid of the fall out and the pity from people at school and around.

My parents are on the other side of the world and will be INCENSED. They are due over here in 10 weeks to spend the summer. I just don't know what to tell them.

Thanks for listening.

Crazy4U Mon 01-Oct-12 07:50:48

Sending you a big hug from the UK.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 07:54:10

Thanks, much needed.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 01-Oct-12 07:54:53

I'm so sorry, really am.

Could you confide in one close friend before telling hte kids and swear her to secrecy? Don't worry about what other people at school, etc will think - it doesn't matter. Focus on you and the kids.

Just tell your parents the truth. They will be incensed on your behalf I'm sure.

You will get through this. Been with someone who has now had 2 affairs isn't healthy for you. Long term I'd have thought you will be happier. Its just all shit right now.

WhatSheSaid Mon 01-Oct-12 07:58:31

So sorry, such a hard situation to be in so far from family.

Are you both British? How long will your parents be staying for?

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 07:59:55

Thank you. Yes, I might confide in one particular friend who is already checking up on me since I cancelled our plans for today.

I am a strong and practical person and I know I will get through this. But you are right, it really is just shit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 08:00:21

Yes, you're well rid because this behaviour pattern isn't going to stop there. Blaming his parents is an easy 'out' btw .... grown men always have choices and those with a good upbringing are just as likely to cheat as those with a bad one. It's no excuse. As for your parents, I know exactly how you feel about telling them what has happened. In my own experience, no matter how daunting it feels, once the truth is out there it's like a weight off your shoulders. Good luck

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 08:02:56

Yes, from UK. Been really happy here though, living the dream, ha. Parents will be here for nearly 3 months which will be fantastic. Then his mother comes out as she does every year and is really hard work so at least I can wash my hands of that, he can deal with her for a change. Oh and his new partner I suppose. sad

Instinct is to return to UK I suppose but children are so settled, I have lots of friends and a p/t job and I prob can't take them away from H anyway.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 08:03:26

thanks everyone.

Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 08:04:50

Oh romalo, sad I'm so very sorry. What a shitty situation.

I totally understand the dislike of airing your private life in public and making it common knowledge. If it helps, it's worth remembering that of the people in your circle who will find out, probably about half of them will be experiencing their own difficulties of some sort or another (whether public or private), which is why so many people are able to be supportive and empathetic rather than pitying or judgemental. Those who aren't have the emotional intelligence of a brick and are best avoided anyway.

Although it may not feel helpful to you right now, anger is an absolutely appropriate reaction. You've done nothing wrong and you've been treated very badly. Let your parents be angry on your behalf, and once you stop feeling so hurt, let yourself be angry and channel that force into rebuilding a life for yourself.

You sound like someone who possesses a great deal of dignity and insight. You will be absolutely fine given time and I suspect eventually a lot happier than you've ever been during this marriage to a man who evidently doesn't deserve you.

WhatSheSaid Mon 01-Oct-12 08:06:03

Yes, I was asking because I'm in NZ and have a friend in a similar situation - relationship broke up a couple of years ago - I know her mum was alblemto come out for several months and it was a real help to her. She is in the situation where she can't return to the Uk without her ex's permission - not sure if the laws are similar in Oz.

However, all that is not really relevant at the moment. How long have you been in Oz - do you have a decent support network?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 01-Oct-12 08:06:28

Poor you sad what an idiot he is.

Strawhatpirate Mon 01-Oct-12 08:12:01

I agree with cogito. He's probably going to spend his life going from ow to ow. You however are a legend! I'm in awe of how brave and rational you are. One day you'll be incredibly happy and you'll just find him laughable.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 08:13:43

Thanks all, for your lovely words, am trying desperately to hold back the tears. Holding strong until the children are in bed.
Been here for over 3 years, have a really good circle of friends (all happilyish married though). I think the laws are the same and I do have to stay. That's ok, best for the children I think in the long run and we've really loved it here.

I completely agree with you Cogito and shitty upbringing is no excuse. I suppose that's why we tried again after the first affair, I thought he would be shocked into changing. He said himself since that he would keep on doing it, doesn't know how to stop and won't seek help. God, what a mess.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 08:15:42

Yes, sadly I think that's what he will do straw, in fact I said that to him this morning and he said he didn't know. I think I put up with him for a lot longer than most women would.

LST Mon 01-Oct-12 08:16:54

So sorry op sad huge hugs from me.

I have nothing comforting to add.

LST Mon 01-Oct-12 08:17:21

You seem like you are doing really well.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 08:18:59

It doesn't seem real yet. But I've had some processing time over the last few months although I desperately wanted to recover the situation. Not to be though. sad

izzyizin Mon 01-Oct-12 08:50:22

who up until this morning looked like the model husband and father Not quite, honey. He fired a warning shot across the bows 4 years ago and now it would seem he's determined to scupper the boat of your marriage.

However, as is typical of the indecisive adulterer, in taking just a few belongings/possession with him he's testing the water with the ow while keeping you floating in limbo.

I understand your feeling of disappointment and the humiliation you're feeling at the possibility of becoming 'an object of pity' among your social circle and beyond, but that's not going to happen if you take decisiveness action now.

Tell him to get his arse round be present at x time (Monday evening for you now, isn't it?) tomorrow evening at which time you intend to tell the dc that he's gone to live with an ow because he doesn't love you anymore but of course he loves them to bits etc etc.

If he claims that's not a convenient time for him, tough... tell him the dc deserve to know before some well meaning soul spots him out and about with Her Of The Loose Morals and goes round the neighbourhood with a loud hailer, and before you break the news to all and sundry family and friends and consult a lawyer with a view to divorcing him for adultery and naming his ow of the moment Ms Loose Morals as co-respondent.

Make it clear to him that, regardless of whether he's in attendance, the dc will be told tomorrow night that their df will no longer be living under the same roof with them and, in the meantime, pack his stuff and compose a cool, calm, round robin missive to send to friends/relatives together with a lengthier letter to send to your dps if you don't intend to break the news by phone.

I get the feeling that you've been preparing yourself for this moment since his last affair and, if you make it clear to one and all that this is a case of 2 strikes and he's out, there's no way anyone is going to pity you and you may find other women in your social circles following your lead smile

I have every confidence that your dps will be immensely reassured to see how well you're coping when they arrive in time to celebrate the festive season with you and their dgcs, and that his absence will be barely remarked upon.

In the meantime, I'm sending you sincerely meant but inadequate (((hugs))) across the ether and hope that you'll use this thread to offload and gain any support you are lacking in RL.

Btw, it's not worth speculating on why he's done what he's done. Others are able to use dysfunctional/conflicted childhood as examples of what they don't want for their relationships/dcs and will themselves to have the determination and integrity to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself. Unfortunately, your weak stbxh has proved himsellf not up to the challenge in more ways than one and you're worth 10 of him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 08:53:43

"He said himself since that he would keep on doing it, doesn't know how to stop and won't seek help"

Because he knows it's not a psychological compulsion that he has no control over, it's simply impulsive opportunism. The diffference between an alcoholic and a heavy drinker. He's choosing to behave the way he does and 'doesn't know how to stop' is a feeble excuse.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 09:18:28

oh my god izzy. You are absolutely marvellous. That is EXACTLY what I am going to do. I am so focused on being dignified and holding it together that I've lost sight of any other course of action other than hanging around and taking the punches on the chin. I actually agree that he might be testing the water. His precious guitar and amp are still here, as well as all his summer casual clothes and his kindle. In fact all he seems to have taken is his work clothes and his bike which he needs to get to work. He's even left his dirty pile of washing and underwear sad. She must have come to pick him up though as a wheely case is gone and that would be tricky to manage while cycling.

As for Her Of The Loose Morals, what is it with these women?? How can he possibly be a catch? Shipping out of a relationship lasting decades and moving straight in with her without anyone catching breath! Baggage much?? Cliche is of course that she works with him, although in a separate but connected department. He is effectively her superior and has just been promoted to a very responsible position. They'll be the talk of the workplace. His female boss may not be impressed, she's been very considerate of me since we moved over here.

cogito, yes impulsive opportunism does make complete sense. He doesn't seem to really want to stop, otherwise he would wouldn't he? He told the counsellor, when pressed, that he did it for the excitement. Yuck.

Gumby Mon 01-Oct-12 09:26:58

Don't do his dirty washing
Put allhis stuff in bin bags in the garage & text him to let him know when to get it

SavoyCabbage Mon 01-Oct-12 09:30:00

Oh it's all so glamorous for them at first, the OW I mean. One of my friends was an ow and she loved it all at first. The drama and the exciting stuff. We are 38 now and her now dh is in his mid 50s. He looks older as he is a smoker as well at a total twat. She looks like she's out with her dad.

She never had dc as he didn't want any more.

Don't let him be in charge of you. Go and see a lawyer. Where do you live? I know a fabulous divorce lawyer in Melbourne.

Yes all very exciting at first, then it will get mundane and he will be off again.
Try and keep busy, fake it until you make it ( bit boak but true I think), hold your head up and focus on your new unit.

He is a fool, will probably come running back in a few months and probably, you won't want him.

romaloS Mon 01-Oct-12 09:39:30

Thanks Gumby and Savoy. Not in Melbourne but know some lawyers here so can ask about sad

Fake it til you make it just about sums me up right now tough. I wonder how long that will be. I hope I won't want him. Old habits die hard though and I'm dreading seeing him.

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