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Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?(344 Posts)
Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.
How shall I handle this situation?
Oh, I totally agree, Jux. It was just a side thought as several people suggested contacting his parents for the true story, but... well, I've probably read a few too many toxic parent threads to believe it's necessarily a good idea. Also, consider that some of the nicest posters on here have had to either cut their parents out of their lives completely or at least severely limit contact. Not being on speaking terms with one's parents is not always a red flag.
I'll see your would not tell his fiancée that those massive debts (which will also be hers once they are married) are none of her business and raise you a would not claim that his financial troubles are more important than her mother's life-threatening illness .
Regardless of the reasons behind his apparent estrangement from his parents or the reasons behind his massive debts, a good man would not tell his fiancée that those massive debts (which will also be hers once they are married) are none of her business, Annie.
To be fair, there's sometimes a good reason why a good man (or woman) isn't in contact with their parents. Even if they seem really nice to outsiders you can't always tell. His father could, for example, be a dreadful control freak and the incontinent spending could be an act of rebellion. Though actually, it sounds more as if the lad has been spoiled rotten; and anyway none of this makes a difference to whether he would be a good marriage prospect (for the avoidance of doubt, I think he would be a very, very bad one).
Sad he has been so horrible, but he really doesn't sound ready to have a serious relationship yet, let alone marry if he isn't willing to be open with and share finances and behave resonsibly about money. The fact that you haven't met his parents suggests you got engaged too early as well, and he treats his parents poorly as it's just good manners to introduce your parents to someone before you tell them you are getting married unless you are estranged from them or they live on the other side of the world.
He sounds selfish and unreliable and inconsiderate of other people.
I think next time discuss shared finances/ any debts attitudes to spending etc before deciding to marry someone. You've had a lucky escape even if you don't feel that way at the moment.
No contact is good.
The only result from contact would be the feeling you had been hit by a train. He can only play with your mind at this juncture, and hurt you.
I would strongly advise you to block his number(s). Sit it out and hang tough.
Once married, any assets are shared assets, any debts are legally shared debts. At present his debt is not your problem, but if you choose to marry him, you will make it your problem. Think ahead- in a few years time, perhaps with children, do you want to be on mumsnet with a new thread:
"The bailiffs have cleared our home, the mortgage company have reclaimed the house, it's so unfair my inheritance and hard work has paid for his debts..." If he's not grownup enough to take responsibility for his spending, what sort of father would he be? He wants you to rescue him. Don't play the game - get out now.
Jeez, Xenia, you are
one class act in a class of your own. How long will it take you to repay the £1million you owe solely through your own high earning efforts?
The man you placed your love and trust in, born, is not just a user - he's also an abuser. He won't get in contact with you again until he is confident that the withholding of his affections as it were, has served to soften you up to a point where you'll
be gagging for it swallow his next pack of lies whole.
In short, he's a con man, a grifter who feels nothing for his 'marks'.
Given your own healthy financial status, it's a tad trite to say that you're worth far more than him but, honey, regardless of money, the fact is that you've got a heart - and he hasn't.
His head rules
the empty space that is his heart and, where this man is concerned, you're best advised not to let your heart rule your head.
Yes, Nelly is right. You will feel happy again - and your life will be so much better without this loser around you. Be strong - you did the best thing for yourself in the long run! I know it's trite but really - short term pain = long term gain here.
borntoshop you will be happy again - you will find someone so so so much better and more deserving of you......
Thanks for all your support and kind messages. I have been very busy, back to work on Monday, working 12h days and studying. I am still upset, was so frustrated and ate all day today. I had a blood test (looks like I have PCOS) and I always feel terrible after I have my blood taken. He hasn't spoken to me since we've split. I feel like he didn't care about me at all. This time last week I was a happy girl and this week?
OP, how are you coping? I hope he hasn't been nasty during the split! hopefully you are getting rl support, but do come back if you feel like talking.
borntoshop - you know in your hear thisis not the guy for you ! He is of a different mindset totally. I know these days are hard but you willl get through this. You will be stronger and wiser.
How are you this morning, borntoshop?
Okay, well I had only read the first post. It sounds like he is pretty useless, 23 loads of debts, bit different from say 30s, mortgage debt or something.
Xenia we all know you are blasé about money, but your debt is at least for a reason. This guy is 23 and has run this up via failed business deals with Russian chums. Not the same at, and he doesn't seem to feel the need to pay it back.
When OP called him to talk about feeling terrible about her mother that was when he dropped the bombshell on her that her troubles were nothing compared to his - he mentioned the 280K debt in order to one up her. When she tried to talk to him about the debt and ask why she had been kept in the dark about it to then she got told she was overreacting and also that this was really none of her business.
So there is potential shadiness associated with such a massive debt (hints of 'Russian friends'), compartmentalising his life into business, family, and the OP -- the various parties have never met, dismissing her feelings, one upping her when she needed support.
Lots of red flags.
xenia just debts but shady. Moved 12 times in 3 years and his parents ( I paraphrase): are loaded landed gentry types but refused to support him at uni so they haven't spoken since. OP also has massive inheritance.
I'm very, very sorry that this has happened to you. FWIW (and it's probably very cold comfort at this stage) I'm sure you've done the right thing. Look after yourself - do you have real life friends nearby who can take you out for wine and reassure you?
Just a note to say I hope you are feeling better. Just seen this thread and it reminded me of my narrow escape. If they don't tell you these things before asking you to marry them, then WORRY! I had a similar, but not such a huge debt, situation and my father was possibly more worried than me! It took a while for the fog to lift and for me to realise he was sponging from me and get out very fast. People like this just drag others down. Always thinking their next big break is around the corner if only they had enough money... It really isn't. My ex used to boast terribly and his friends used to snigger behind his back as everyone knew it was champagne tastes and lemonade money. It was very embarrassing but he couldn't see it. You don't want to have the rest of your life with someone like this, believe me. You will look back and think 'Phew!' Keep looking forward
Come to this thread late and you've already dealt with this. Just to add, it's ok to be sad at the end of the relationship you thought you had.
He's not the man you thought he was, it's ok to grieve for that man. Eventually you'll meet someone who does meet the expectations you had of this man.
I only read the first post or so - that he had a debt, not what else he might have done. What else has he done?
Xenia that is bollocks. This is not about the amount of the debt. It is about how this man has treated her as a human being he supposedly loves and whose best interests he supposedly has at heart.
Cold comfort, but this is the better way.
Be nice to yourself. Don't run yourself ragged working. Take a little time to appreciate your own strengths and try to cast off doubt. You are doing the right thing and being faithful to yourself. Sometimes it is hard to see how you are putting yourself first when your result in the short term is heartbreak. If you have a photo of yourself as a girl of about 12 or so, look at it and remember you are protecting that girl's future right now.
If you love him you could not marry (to avoid financial implications) but still live happily together but with totally separate finances. It's perfectly possible and ensure you never pay for anything of his and vice versa. My debt is near £1m because of divorce. I am very good with money and earn quite a lot. If £1m isn't a problem his comparatively tiny debt is nothing.
Oh, love, it's so hard.
Wallow under your duvet today, for after this you have a fab life ahead of you, especially with the values you've been brought up with and your strength of character and integrity. Any man would be privileged to have you. I know it's no comfort to you now, but hang on to those character traits, hold your head up and plunge into life.
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