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porn, your thoughts on this one please

(67 Posts)
headswillroll Thu 27-Sep-12 20:58:03

NC for this one.
Your thoughts on this, please.
When DH and I first moved in together 6 years ago he arrived with 2 ful sized suitcases full of porn. Magazines but mostly DVDs. He wasn't very computer literate at the time. Although he watched it he was never so bothered, just an occasional if enthusiatic user.
I work hard and my job gets me down.
DH sometimes has ED, about once a month I would say. Mostly after I know he has been watching porn. These days DH has graduated to computer use.
I have mixed feelings about porn myself. On the one hand I can find it titillating, on the other some of my work is with abused children so I will admit I sometimes find it difficult to disassociate the porn from the abuse I am witness to every day. Also I have a teen DD who lives with us which adds to my general discomfort about it all, although she knows nothing about this.
Our sex life has ground to a halt recently, in part because of a lot of stress that's been going on with life in general.
The thing is, I come home from a tough day at work, I know he's been home from work during his lunch hour, watching porn and this pisses me off. Because my job is rough going, I do it to keep a roof over our heads and I mind him coming home and cracking one off while I'm working.
I mind that we are not having sex and even if we did he may not be able to perform because of the he's been watching porn.
What do you all think?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 12:52:42

Erectile Dysfunction.

sades101 Fri 28-Sep-12 12:55:16

erectile dysfunction

morethanpotatoprints Fri 28-Sep-12 12:57:57

As you admit to finding it titilating yourself I don't think you can take the moral ground. FWIW I would talk to him and tell him how stressed you are and how he could help when he came home from work. I would joke about the porn and say I hope youv'e got enough left for later etc. Then sort your own side out like find ways to destress when you have finished work, to allow time with dh later. Tell him what he can to do help, he may not know how bad you are feeling. Many men need it spelling out to them.

Sades, that is rank bullshit. Every single study on the supposed 'negative effects' of porn has been discredited, though they continue to be cited and misquoted by pro-censorship dipshits.

bubalou Fri 28-Sep-12 13:44:59

The use of porn in a relationship depends solely on that - the relationship.

The pure amount this Op's partner is using porn and the lack of sex life between them signals a major problem in terms of balance that needs to be addressed.

There's no reason why a couple - individually or together can't watch porn and have it be nothing more than a naughty and exciting part of their sex life.

grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 13:46:12

The OP is not taking a moral high ground. You could substitute almost any activity for porn use in this story and still have a similar outcome. If the OP's partner was playing golf so much that he was too tired for sex, aggravating a back injury and mitching off household chores to get down the driving range at lunchtime... it would be just as annoying.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 28-Sep-12 14:08:10

"Every single study on the supposed 'negative effects' of porn has been discredited, though they continue to be cited and misquoted by pro-censorship dipshits. "
Eveery single one? Isn't that putting your case a bit high? You must surely know you're going to be asked to back up that contention, in which case you're either going to be here for the next 3 days, or risk being called a bullshitter.

headswillroll Fri 28-Sep-12 14:15:24

bubalou & cogito yes that's about it and thank you for your thoughts, they have helped to clarify my own.
In response to other points made. I will admit that I am conficted in my own views on the very male dominated, misogynistic porn that is pervades society. I am not anti porn in or of itself and I can find it titillating, I just wish there was more around that was from a female perspective or more geared up to female enjoyment.
I find the stuff that is most often found dull in part because the people doing it are so obviously not into it or each other and I don't find the shaven, oiled plasticity of them appeals to me either.
I will also admit to feeling conflict in my attitudes to porn as part of my job is to work with children who have been abused. Whilst my DH does not view anything even vaguely illegal I do think that the porn industry can be exploitative. This does make me question the boundaries within my own life, relationship and society as a whole but that's a whole different thread and I don't believe the answers are black and white.
I do not object to my DH using the kind of porn he does but I don't believe it should be at the expense of our sex life or our relationship.
I am emphatically pro wanking, that includes you, me, my husband and anyone else with a quiet five minutes! In the case of DH though I do not think this should be at the expense of our sex life.
cogito is spot on. It could be golf.
As for the suitcases he brought with him the collection had been accumulated over more than a decade. He hadn't looked at most of it for many years and when I pointed out the excess to him he laughed and willingly got rid of the majority of it.
So yes I do need to talk to him, I'm hoping for a quieter weekend so we can do just that.
My op was to ask for help to clear my own head and ask for others' thoughts, so thank you smile

I used to watch porn with DP.

I would not presume to tell anyone to watch it if they didn't like it, i think i stupidly advised it to someone on here not long ago though, but it was a case of post before you think hmm

You don't sound like you would forbid him to use it so you're not being his 'owner' but the times you say he uses it i understand you being pissy.. he could have used that time to do something nice for you instead smile

Good luck with talking to him, hope it has the desired result x

Apocalypto Fri 28-Sep-12 19:26:02

Agree that current porn is pretty gross and 100% with your point about "shaven, oiled plasticity".

Years ago porn featured gorgeous women in gorgeous locations with gorgeous hair and make up. They had their own breasts and all their pubic hair and it was all about "look how beautiful this one is - you can never have her, so keep buying the wank mag lads". Now you are invited to hate the women.

I don't get why anyone would want to be in it or watch it. I can imagine wanting to be Mayfair's Girl of the Year 1979 or whatever. Did the internet change this or had hard core porn always been like this?

Oh i agree with that totally they have made it acceptable to be a bully or nasty to the woman you are having sex with. The porn i am on about watching was gentle stuff pretty much what you'd get if you put a camera in your own bedroom blush

Now its horrible.

Sallyingforth Fri 28-Sep-12 23:14:12

He's getting ED with you because after being exposed to porn for so long, normal loving sex is no longer stimulating for him.
It's gone too far. Sorry to say this but I this he has broken your relationship.

Yes, Cogito's nailed it - as demonstrated by the OP's subsequent post. It could be golf, or World of Warcraft, or going to church: the point is that the H is pursuing his hobby rather than contributing to family life.

Karlos: No, the onus of proof is on people claiming that studies do prove such an effect. Because when people start banging on about that and get asked about the specifics, it's always fucking Zillman or Donnerstein or Malamuth - all nearly 30 years old and all either the work of arseholes or disowned, at least in the interpretation given them by pro-censorship people, by the scientists who performed them in the first place.

expatinscotland Sat 29-Sep-12 02:19:10

Do you have children together? If not, tbh, back in the day when I was single and didn't have children, I'd just street a person like this. Mainly because I find porn mostly very exploitative and unimaginative and am not interested.

A chap who showed up with two suitcases of porn wouldn't have made it through my door, tbh.

I didn't have time for adults who were so attention-seeking they needed this stuff or who make me feel I work lots of hours therefore they need it. I'm not their sex toy. I'm a human being.

Best of luck, but if I were you I'd cut my losses and move on.

differentnameforthis Sat 29-Sep-12 03:33:44

Can I ask, if he was 'cracking one off' (urgh, horrible term) while you were at work BUT not using porn, would that be an issue? Because you are placing a lot energy into being mad about that, it would seem.

sades101 Sun 30-Sep-12 17:57:49

solidgoldbrass Porn is bad whether you want to disagree or not. Seen as you felt the need to respond in such a way I shall reply accordingly... I am not pro-censorship, I am pro-humanity and think that most of the porn out their degrades not just women, but also men. I find porn the RANK BULLSHIT, not my previous opinion. The fact that someone will actually argue porn as something positive is beyond me. Get a life :/ If people want to watch it then that's their get up, but to actually defend it is something else. Take a look at yourself and think is that really something that makes me or the world a better place.

Its the sexualization of women that have made most of my friends not breast feed their children, because they can't do it in public out of embarrassment. I mean for fuck sake it's the reason we are here today and purely because of the sex industry they feed their children formula. you look at tribes that don't have access to porn etc and the women and men walk around naked and it's just normal.

Pathetic go and get real sex instead of wasting time watching other people doing it :/

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Sun 30-Sep-12 18:01:40

So you're not going to justify what you said then, sgb.
<gently places sgb back in the "bullshitter" box>

sades101 Sun 30-Sep-12 18:07:12

also really you are the person who is being brainwashed SGB as the porn industry and sex industry in general makes people slaves to advertisement, if you look at some of the stuff that gets banned from tv or not shown (things that involve showing our government for what it really is, or showing us what is really going on in the world) does it make sense that all of the sexual stuff that is plastered everywhere for our children to see isn't banned for our everyday viewing and yet what was going on in Syria was not shown to us until months after it all started happening. I mean ffs get a grip on reality, what's more important and yet your sat there pathetically arguing porn, when I am talking about something that actually matters.

LadyRainicorn Sun 30-Sep-12 18:10:39

You know what, I think half of this 'sexualization' is in people's own heads. Taking breastfeeding as the example, I breastfeed everywhere and it's not like I'm particularly discreet (Im clumsy and have big norks). I've not been embarrassed and no-one has ever been remotely bothered.

In relation to the op, I agree with cogito's golf analogy but perhaps the fact he's having a wank IS relevant. Op wants sexual pleasure also, seems a bit mean to be making time in your work day to pleasure yourself but not give a shit about your romantic partner in your free time. It doesn't sound like he's facilitating any reciprocal wank time is it?

sades101 Sun 30-Sep-12 18:15:01

well every time I turn on the tv most adverts have a half naked woman in, that's not in my head... when I drive past bus stops there are big pictures of half naked woman in advertisement campaigns, when I look at the front of most magazines, in newspapers, plastered over the internet. How can that be in our heads? I think it's more that you have become to used to it all and don't really see it, try looking out for it and you'll realise just how many images that have a sexual nature to them you are seeing a day

MolotovBomb Sun 30-Sep-12 20:25:00

"and purely because of te sex industry they feed their children formula"

Sades, that sounds hysterical. (Not 'haha' hysterical. I mean really hysterical).

MolotovBomb Sun 30-Sep-12 20:32:50

Oh, and the comparative point about 'tribal societies' and our western cultures: they often don't vaccinate their babies; infant mortality rates are infinitely higher. Some non-western societies practice clitoral mutation on little girls.

Western and non-western societies are incomparable. (You'll find lots of data to back that up).

It could be argued that such societies are actually fearful of female sexuality.

All cultures have their collective problems an there is a lot wrong with western culture. I just don't think all that ails our society can benblamed on pornography.

MolotovBomb Sun 30-Sep-12 20:35:09

'mutilation' not 'mutation', sorry.

Pfft i BF in public and DP didn't like it! I fixed him with beady glare and said it was because he had been fucking immersed in porn and its crappy ideas. And loudly stated that tits were for feeding babies.

He started supporting me then. If any man finds the feeding of a baby in public sexually titillating he needs a kick in the cock.

Karlos: SO have you got any links to a decent, peer-reviewed, replicable study that demonstrates measurable harm from viewing porn? You're the one claiming that they exist, after all.

Sades: You are now coming across as fearful of sexuality in general. And all these 'wonderful' tribal societies that are porn free are not generally societies that give full human status to women. Besides, most people would rather put up with a bit of porn than high levels of infant mortality, malnutrition, death in childbirth and hardly any clean water...

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