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porn, your thoughts on this one please

(67 Posts)
headswillroll Thu 27-Sep-12 20:58:03

NC for this one.
Your thoughts on this, please.
When DH and I first moved in together 6 years ago he arrived with 2 ful sized suitcases full of porn. Magazines but mostly DVDs. He wasn't very computer literate at the time. Although he watched it he was never so bothered, just an occasional if enthusiatic user.
I work hard and my job gets me down.
DH sometimes has ED, about once a month I would say. Mostly after I know he has been watching porn. These days DH has graduated to computer use.
I have mixed feelings about porn myself. On the one hand I can find it titillating, on the other some of my work is with abused children so I will admit I sometimes find it difficult to disassociate the porn from the abuse I am witness to every day. Also I have a teen DD who lives with us which adds to my general discomfort about it all, although she knows nothing about this.
Our sex life has ground to a halt recently, in part because of a lot of stress that's been going on with life in general.
The thing is, I come home from a tough day at work, I know he's been home from work during his lunch hour, watching porn and this pisses me off. Because my job is rough going, I do it to keep a roof over our heads and I mind him coming home and cracking one off while I'm working.
I mind that we are not having sex and even if we did he may not be able to perform because of the he's been watching porn.
What do you all think?

jenny60 Thu 27-Sep-12 21:01:54

I think he's a selfish bastard who needs to sort out his priorities.

SorryMyLollipop Thu 27-Sep-12 21:03:47

What Jenny said. He is very selfish. You are in a horrible situation because of how he chooses to view women as sexual objects.

SaraSidle Thu 27-Sep-12 21:06:50

It's affecting your relationship, so it's a problem

But have you told him?

I'd suggest having a chat with him and explaining how you feel but also asking him how he feels and listening to what he has to say. Just forbidding him to look at porn is not going to work: you are not his owner or his boss. Generally when you want your partner to change an aspect of his behaviour (other than outright abuse) it's as well to be prepared to change some of your own and reach a compromise.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 21:12:27

I'd say he's not worth your time

what do you think ?

MolotovBomb Thu 27-Sep-12 21:14:47

It is a bit odd for him to nip home to have a wank in his lunchbreak, to be honest. Also, I fully appreciate why you may have a complex relationship with pornography, with reference to your job. Your DH should appreciate that, too and be accommodating.

Have you spoken with him about this? I think that he needs to adjust his sexual behaviour and be less selfish.

headswillroll Thu 27-Sep-12 21:32:10

Thanks for asking AnyF smile
Jenny I too think he is being selfish, inconsiderate and out of order but I've read threads where an op says they have trouble with DH's porn use and they and they are flamed because there is nothing wrong with it.
Like a lot of things it's all about the context and I think in the context of our relationship it is a problem.
I just wanted to see if others thought the same.
Molotov I think it's odd too.
I have spoken to him about it in the past but recently I've been feeling low as a result of problems outside of our immediate family and I couldn't be arsed to tackle him about it until now IYSWIM? If he isn't getting lots of attention from me he turns to it. He hasn't been getting a lot of attention because of the other stuff I've been dealing with. I think that it's a two way street and I think he too should be putting the effort into our sex life rather than burying himself in porn.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 21:37:01

I have never seen an OP flamed for not being ok with their partner's porn use

you will get a few handmaidens come on to say "well, boys will be boys, just give him more blow jobs and put lots of lippy on and he won't neeeeed porn" or better still, "why don't you watch it with him?" but they are quite quickly seen off, tbh

you will get support on here for being anti-porn

but I don't think you are anti-porn, are you?

you are anti your own H using it, in preference to shagging you, which isn't quite the same

MiniTheMinx Thu 27-Sep-12 22:03:05

Wow 2 suit cases, that is quite a serious hobby.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Thu 27-Sep-12 22:08:56

I was going to say that alarm bells would have rung for me at the 2 suitcases point but I guess that isn't exactly helpful.whether you are pro or anti porn his use soounds quite compulsive and perhaps professional help would be appropriate. but you cannot make him do this. If he won't acknowledge the problem, or do anything about it, you might have no alternative but to take your bat and ball in.

headswillroll Thu 27-Sep-12 22:17:48

Mini That's what I think! Although he didn't actually do much with it until recently when I've been spending lots of time at the hospital with an ailing parent sad Despite my recent trouble I would still have wanted a sex life! Although I've had too much else going on to want to talk about it.

AnyF this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1572655-How-to-tackle-porn-addiction a couple of posts on the first page made me think the posters were saying the OP was BU.
No, I'm not anti porn but I've never seen anything that is for me. My pov is similar to that of Caitlin Moran's in How To Be A Woman ie sex is nice and good and can be good to look at but all the misogynist crap that's about is not the thing.
You are right, I am anti H using it in preference to being able to shag me.

headswillroll Thu 27-Sep-12 22:27:31

Apologies for dripfeeding, I'm trying to answer posts as they bring things up.
Karlos when he moved in with them I told him he had to get rid of most of it or I would and he did, all but a few which I knew about.

MiniTheMinx Thu 27-Sep-12 23:50:17

So you told him to get rid of it, why? because there was so much of it you were falling over it or because you do have a problem with it? Which is it?

The other thing is that if you are so busy and tired and spending time at the hospital might he be better finding ways to support you rather than selfishly allowing you to do it all while he gets his kicks. Selfish man.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 09:24:13

I don't think the porn is the issue, necessarily, it's his (I hesitate to use the word) addiction to it. The core problem is that he has a controversial 'hobby' that is having a very negative effect on you and potentially the rest of the family .... it's taking up too much of his time, making him distant/selfish, has destroyed your sex life & exacerbates his medical condition.

It's like the difference between a wine-lover and an alcoholic.... the former isn't a problem whereas the latter makes everyone's life miserable.

rafape Fri 28-Sep-12 09:54:13

So let me get this straight, you work and he works also to keep a roof over your heads. He has an occasional wank at home on a lunch break and occasionally suffers from ED (does he really ?)

Your sex life has ground to a halt recently, in part because of a lot of stress that's been going on with life in general.

I am trying to work out why it's his fault ?

regards

ecclesvet Fri 28-Sep-12 09:56:20

Do you mind him watching porn, or do you mind him wanking?

Because the first is understandable (though subjective, of course), but the second is just controlling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 10:01:48

"I am trying to work out why it's his fault ?"

You're not very smart are you?

bubalou Fri 28-Sep-12 10:43:59

WOW - throw away all the porn and tell him to get his fucking priorities straight!!!

Bubalou: Oh that will really help. The OP is not her partner's boss or owner and doesn't get to give him orders and insist on obedience. They need to discuss it between them and see if a compromise can be worked out.

bubalou Fri 28-Sep-12 11:06:17

Yer I know Solid - was just my instant reaction.

<hothead> grin

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 28-Sep-12 11:55:24

OP, it sounds like you are having a really hard time at the moment. Your job is stressful.
You are worried about your family and they need you more than usual.
Your relationship with your DH is suffering.

You have every right to expect your DH to be supportive at this time. Can you talk to him? Tell him how you feel about everything and what you need him to do to support and help you through this time.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 28-Sep-12 11:55:27

Of course she doesn't get to give him orders, but nor is she required to tolerate this behaviour if she doesn't wish to. There are times when one has to say I'm afraid if you don't stop doing this, I no longer wish to continue a relationship with you.Only the OP knows if this is one of those times or not; I don't think anyone else can make that decision for her.

sades101 Fri 28-Sep-12 12:48:38

Porn is scientifically proven to have adverse psychological effects... It's damaging to the individual and also in a relationship. I certainly don't allow it in my relationship. I would have a talk with him and let him know of your discomfort. Why is it ok for him to be getting off to other women and yet share no intimacy with you?

piratecat Fri 28-Sep-12 12:52:00

whats ED please.

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