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Please help me to finally make break from stbxh..need yr support.

(35 Posts)
DippyDoohdah Wed 26-Sep-12 20:03:59

Hi. I have posted before. Was originally 'Blinkeyblonk' and had a lot of support when first posted about husband, turbulent relationship, supporting him through asylum and some very concerning behaviours and punitive/aggressive tendencies of his. Left me (short episodes) during 2nd pregnancy and after 2nd child just born. Is of middle Eastern origin and whilst has been here for over 10 years, has not moved forwards. Is not responsible (ex drug user, still recent cannabis and cocodamol use) and will not work officially as resents paying tax. Our differences and my resentment at how things have panned out mean we are now divorcing. Have had support re the emotional abuse with him and my (probably irrational) fears that he could ever try to remove our children from this country. All that said, divorce nearing decree nisi (I have spent 2k and he lies about his cash in hand full time work and claims legal aid for his solicitor!!) and I had, yet again, entered the land of ambivalence and tried to see if we could have some kind of relationship (lived seperately for over 18 months),..but its been a false calm, me just trying to keep the status quo. And never being able to imagine sharing a bed with him again, let alone financial respobsibility to support our children/my mortgage.. Today I did not 'cause an argument' but dipped my toe outside the stepford existance of the last two months by saying that he really needed to give me some money this week as I am struggling hugely ...of course it was all his poverty and relentless borrowing and ended up with him asking me for a loan! When he got angry (i asked him why he got into this situation every week) and I asked him not to (again) shout at me in front of youngest ds, he lost it. Cue rant about get divorce finalised, and even him making a pledge to not work at all rather than give me money. I do feel that this has given me the last sign that he and it will never change, he is a poor role model for our sons and that I needed this reminder. but for some odd reason i still need mumsnet vallidation that i am doing the right thing by refusing to get reinvolved. I work almost full time with a diffucult client group, am near risk of repossesion and on antidepressants. I would greatly appreciate the support of any of you/opinions, whether you recognise me from before or reading for first time. I really intend this to be it. finito. But need a bit of girlpower...

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 19:38:31

I think your son's answer tells you all you need to know. In his lovely, clear almost 5 yr old way he has given a very stark account of his experience of being parented by his father - of being controlled by fear. It won't teach him anything as he grows up - just that if you are bigger and more frightening you can get your own way. He is being taught to bully in a nutshell.

In your shoes I wouldn't hesitate to lessen contact as much as possible and I would certainly restrict all contact for yourself.

I would really emphasise how it is wrong to bully and, as said above, always absolutely insist on respect and consideration from your boys for yourself. I'd also get them into doing domestic stuff as part of everyday.

I would take some time to write a long list of all the things you could do with your boys at the weekends. Why not make the most of stbx's absence and invite their friends round or get them joined up to some activities that mean you get a bit of a break?

DippyDoohdah Mon 08-Oct-12 20:41:45

I fell like all I have to choose from is the devil and the deep blue sea.and he's not the devil, just damaged.but so am i.. don't know if can do this alone.he is being nice but feel more and more pressured, is wanting sex and I just don't feel it

foolonthehill Mon 08-Oct-12 21:05:15

why would you feel it.
he is pushing your buttons because in his eyes you are something he possesses and has rights over.

You are not possessed by him, you are an individual worthy of respect and love, this man is preventing you from getting either of these things

DippyDoohdah Mon 08-Oct-12 21:31:50

I don't feel worthy of those things...I feel empty and too far away from my real self to get back.still scared its me that is deficient and I just don't see it..I do still feel love for him but cannot imagine wanting to give myself to him, sexually, ever again...o can imagine doing it, but not feeling good about it

foolonthehill Mon 08-Oct-12 21:38:42

Don't do something because you feel distant, detached and obliged, it will make you feel worse.

I feel empty and too far away from my real self to get back Could you be depressed?...common symptom

You have been through a lot and have done well but are slipping back in some ways (understandably), you really are worth something much much more than this. he has decimated your self belief, value and esteem. Is there ANYONE who could help you claw it back?

I agree that your sons are not being helped by having their dad around. You can stop them from seeing him at least for the present.

slambang Mon 08-Oct-12 21:50:17

Dippy - my dh is middle eastern too. Sometimes he is a great dad and husband. Other times, well, not so much. But he never ever thinks its OK to make his sons afraid of him. And he never ever withholds money. (It's our money -not mine or his).

Do not use or allow him to use his culture as an excuse for abuse. His behaviour is inexcusable and very evry damaging to your children. This is not a cultural difference. angry (angry with him not you).

DippyDoohdah Mon 08-Oct-12 21:50:24

, fool.thank you.I cannot just stop contact though..I have no grounds to do .I am giving everyone confused messages.date for decree nisi set in November but am wondering whether to just put all divorce on hold or whether to know some issue will arise between us and actually we will be divorced thereafter anyhow.....
And even if we could both move forwards together, there are some things I cannot tell him and some honesty that can never be there, and it haunts me.am even dreaming about it!

foolonthehill Mon 08-Oct-12 21:55:07

I think you need to go and look at these issues with a counsellor who understands domestic abuse. Can you get in touch with Women's Aid locally and get a support worker, or discuss over the phone.

You need some,clarity. you have lost sight of the REASON you decided to divorce him and are letting him back inch by inch. that may, in the end be what you decide to do...but please make it a DECISION not a slide into despair.

For what it is worth I would keep going with the divorce.
You are not really making sense on here. you are giving lots of reasons why he should not be in your/the DSs' life and letting him in more and more. you need RL support and to find the inner strength to get on with life without him (and yes, as you know, I do understand and I do know it is hard)

DippyDoohdah Mon 08-Oct-12 22:01:30

Thanks slam.am so confused about his culture/psychology.I can handle the money bit,I never rely on that and always make sure can cope on my income alone. The worst thing is, sometimes I hear him coming out in me when the boys keep on and on....I don't want to be that person.
But can he win, I wonder? When he comes round now, he is on the boys straight away.part of me thinks its his show of support to me as a parent..but the rest of me thinks "why can't you take it easy, you don't see them enough to get this cross with them".....

foolonthehill Mon 08-Oct-12 23:09:59

you don't see them enough to get this cross with them".....quite,

supportive parenting does not mean jumping in at the deep end when the other parent is already 6 feet down, it's defusing the situation and reducing the anti, not upping it (sorry so very many mixed metaphors...too late for brain).

Make a list of the issues,

issues with you, with Dss and money and everything. Take a good long look at it.

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