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Please help me to finally make break from stbxh..need yr support.

(35 Posts)
DippyDoohdah Wed 26-Sep-12 20:03:59

Hi. I have posted before. Was originally 'Blinkeyblonk' and had a lot of support when first posted about husband, turbulent relationship, supporting him through asylum and some very concerning behaviours and punitive/aggressive tendencies of his. Left me (short episodes) during 2nd pregnancy and after 2nd child just born. Is of middle Eastern origin and whilst has been here for over 10 years, has not moved forwards. Is not responsible (ex drug user, still recent cannabis and cocodamol use) and will not work officially as resents paying tax. Our differences and my resentment at how things have panned out mean we are now divorcing. Have had support re the emotional abuse with him and my (probably irrational) fears that he could ever try to remove our children from this country. All that said, divorce nearing decree nisi (I have spent 2k and he lies about his cash in hand full time work and claims legal aid for his solicitor!!) and I had, yet again, entered the land of ambivalence and tried to see if we could have some kind of relationship (lived seperately for over 18 months),..but its been a false calm, me just trying to keep the status quo. And never being able to imagine sharing a bed with him again, let alone financial respobsibility to support our children/my mortgage.. Today I did not 'cause an argument' but dipped my toe outside the stepford existance of the last two months by saying that he really needed to give me some money this week as I am struggling hugely ...of course it was all his poverty and relentless borrowing and ended up with him asking me for a loan! When he got angry (i asked him why he got into this situation every week) and I asked him not to (again) shout at me in front of youngest ds, he lost it. Cue rant about get divorce finalised, and even him making a pledge to not work at all rather than give me money. I do feel that this has given me the last sign that he and it will never change, he is a poor role model for our sons and that I needed this reminder. but for some odd reason i still need mumsnet vallidation that i am doing the right thing by refusing to get reinvolved. I work almost full time with a diffucult client group, am near risk of repossesion and on antidepressants. I would greatly appreciate the support of any of you/opinions, whether you recognise me from before or reading for first time. I really intend this to be it. finito. But need a bit of girlpower...

DippyDoohdah Wed 26-Sep-12 20:41:34

Do i sound like a nutter? Not sure why looking for validation

Abitwobblynow Wed 26-Sep-12 20:45:24

I read a book today, sorry dipped into it in a bookshop but it was very handy in that the chapters on abusive men were mostly the excuses we give and the self talk replies we need to give to ourselves to break free.

Didn't write that very well... So, in your case your excuse 'he has no one else so I must rescue him' gets a lot of sentences you say to yourself to unhook yourself 'he chooses to be like this and it is not my job to rescue him I must rescue myself and d' etc.

tribpot Wed 26-Sep-12 20:49:36

It's hard to read that much text with no paragraphs but am I right in thinking you're living with him despite being nearly divorced? But you're now wondering if maybe you should give the marriage another try? WHY?

He's not an ex-drug user, he's still using. He pays nothing towards his children and nothing towards his taxes, so he's cheating you and the state. So a criminal, a sponger and an abuser. Do I need to say any more?

Pfft my ExP would rather not work than pay child support so therefore hasn't worked except cash in hand for 15 years.

The guy is an arsehole you are so totally well rid.

foolonthehill Wed 26-Sep-12 21:12:29

Hey blinkey/dippey.

Glad you've come back to post,
Glad you are divorcing,
For heaven's sake get him out of your head, out of your wallet and out of your life.

I know he is the Dcs Dad but that is a different matter. keep their relationship separate from yours.

Re work: I found that I had to rethink work in order to function. if you can't manage then think about other childcare options, other work options and other lifestyle choices. The world is big and we are not obliged to stick to the tracks we are on. make it work, I know you can.

DippyDoohdah Wed 26-Sep-12 21:13:13

No we live separately but have been spending a few hours as a"family" a couple of days a week.last time I did not dance to his tune he blanked the boys for 3 months.deep down I know I know i've only been in this farce again to a) get a boot of support with boys, one likely aspergers syndrome..awaiting assessment , the other has terrible twos!..and also for a bit of financial support. he gives me money when we are together ish, but pulls right back when animosity.should not be like that, should it??
He is charismatic,a charmer,a victim,a manipulator, a child, a punisher, a chameleon. Apologies re lack of paragraphs, it was me trying to get it all down..!
things..that is disgusting that he can do that..and for 15 years my God!
Yrs I have let myself feel responsible..to rescue to him.I took that role initially a lot, so I have to blame myself really.why do I keep trying to give it another chance? So my sons have Dad around, so I never risk a cross continent custody battle and because I think he will be a dreadful ex. Not really right reasons to stay married though is it...

DippyDoohdah Wed 26-Sep-12 22:07:58

Hifool good to hear from you too..I meant to message you and Mumsy when I disappeared before.
Have to stick to job as overpaid and cannot afford to retrain..but following yr analogy I am not stuck on this carriage forever and I will get off at some point!
Just started "too good to leave too bad to stay"..I hope he behaves badly enough for the next few Weeks to just get me to the decree absolute.,I do crumble when my toddler sits there looking sad and says "I want my daddy"..then I feel guilty like I am stopping him from having that..

Do not feel guilty that you were kind and he took advantage x

foolonthehill Thu 27-Sep-12 10:27:58

Do n ot feel guilty. the way we behave has consequences...you teach your boys that already. Time for dad to learn it too.

DippyDoohdah Thu 27-Sep-12 22:24:04

Yes..when I eventually answered the phone to his calls tonight, he spoke as if nothing had happened yesterday.
I calmly pointed out that I am not prepared to keep living like this and he queried what my issue is?! I feel he again tried his best to make me feel that his threats to not work so to not have to give me maintenance, demands to finalise the divorce, shouting at me in front of son..etc...that these are somehow normal and sweep under the carpet material. When he got that I was serious, he warned me (not for the first time) not to "play with his mood" (don't say or do things to piss him off)...that's not my concern, what's the point in trying to get him to see himself, he won't, will he??

DippyDoohdah Fri 28-Sep-12 12:24:29

So he is having the boys for 6 hours on Sunday.what do I do with myself.do I ask where he is taking them and then what they have eaten, poos etc? The more conversation the more atmosphere, but I need to know those bits.yes?

foolonthehill Fri 28-Sep-12 23:28:12

Not really. The boys will tell you where they went, what they ate (well the rubbish anyway) Poos will come when they do, and you can feed exemplary meals for the rest of the week. Don't torture yourself. If you trust him to have them then you need to trust him (easy to say I know) keep the talk to a minimum between you. it does you no good.

Now make some plans for that time....papers in bed, books, work, housework. make sure you get some fresh air and exercise...it will help you more than worrying.

Oh Lord i sound like your mother....

so have (((((((hugs)))))) tooo

DippyDoohdah Wed 03-Oct-12 15:11:02

It was ok, fool, but I did not leave UT there and got back into "talking"..we had a calm talk today where we both had time to say, uninterrupted, what we felt. I talked about concerns and a few past issues, he just came up with a massive list of complaints and differences. In particular he does not see what I see that he is fat too heavy handed as a parent and also he does not believe that men and women will ever be equal. WE both feel completely let down by each other in the last two years and do not trust each other or feel close.and he is annoyed I have put on so much weight. Blames a lot of his anger on me. Even road rage was because I had done something a day our so before that did not fit with his expectations and was still angry..although I had thought all was fine. I really have to leave him alone and finish the divorce don't I? But I an still terrified of going under and that one day I will wake up and some how he was right and I was mental..even though everyone else says I am fine, deserve more etc.my poor boys..I think their Dad will disappear. I feel sad and still paralysed, but at least it was a calm conversation and not a trauma...

redtulip68 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:03:28

I know exactly how you feel about the 'cash in hand' business. My STBXH recently gave up this professional career of 14 years to avoid paying any contribution to his children.

He is not signing on, he is working cash in hand at any job he can but as its not legal he claims he has no income to live on each week and that his new partner, the OW he left me - his wife of 12 years and his two children for, works as a cleaner and is near pensionable age. And to add insult to injury there is not a thing I am entitled to, becuase I work part time above the 16 hours limit. Cant reduce my hours because it would be financially viable! But he contributes nothing and my children are now having to go without a winter coat because as he said 'Its not my responsibility. Ask the CSA.' what an idiot!!!

DippyDoohdah Wed 03-Oct-12 16:42:36

Red tulip..sorry you are in that situation.with my stbxh its more volatile,I feel like he gives me money if I am acting like he wants me to act, little or nothing if w are not getting on.I probably need to accept this as a more amicable ending..but I don't get it.when I think of my life without him I feel awful, but cannot see how it would ever work without me surrendering myself almost completely

Red the best you can do is report him to the fraud peeps and hope they do their job .. I know how you feel trust me, but you know, we have managed for 15 years without his money i'll be able to hold my head up high one day and know i did the best i could for my babies. He won't be able to ..

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:13:06

Dippy, it's natural to find it hard to imagine life without the person you thought/planned to stay with. But believe me, it will change and you will feel perfectly ok about singledom in a very short time.

At the mo tho you are not giving yourself the chance to disengage emotionally from your stbx and every contact brings you nearly back to square 1 emotionally.

What you need to do imho is restrict all contact to the minimum. Don't speak to him - communicate via text/email as much as poss. Let your emotions get hauled back in under your own control and not left out to get trodden all over by an inadequate twat or misguided ideas of benefiting your sons.

I would advise you to really think about 2 things that I am confident will apply here:
1. He will NEVER change
2. He will have a very detrimental effect on your sons' attitudes to women. You therefore have to compensate by insisting that you are treated with respect and consideration by them all thro their childhoods.

DippyDoohdah Fri 05-Oct-12 06:47:56

Marking, thank you for your reply.you speak sense to me. One of the issues is them missing their Dad, him coming round and when we talk, he can say basically unreasonable things in a reasonable way.he has such a strong sense of self I think. And on an ongoing basis I struggle to fill time at weekends so I let him come round/go out together and it helps, but then I keep slotting back into couple behaviour.
After Wednesday when we talked, he did an about turn that evening, my weight does not bother him except for my health, he wants us to be together as a family. You are right,I do fell guilty about splitting the family up.but when my boys burst into bedroom in morning happy,I imagine that if he was here,I would be mediating between them in tears and him angry (was not a morning person!). He has some intrinsic really good qualities but I always come back to this issue with his anger and our totally different views on parenting and discipline.sorry for the waffle

DippyDoohdah Fri 05-Oct-12 06:59:30

I know I should not have done this but I just did so here goes..tell me if I am over reacting in thinking this says a lot: I just said to (nearly 5 year old ds) "when you and bro came into mums room this morning and jumped on the bed, what would it have been like if daddy was here?". Ds replied "he would have shouted at us and I would have cried...when you tell me off for things I can speak back and say sorry but when daddy gets angry I don't know what to say". I asked if he was scared of daddy and he said "sometimes when he is angry yes". I know Dh would think this was appropriate as boys need to fear their fathers and otherwise can be out of control later.he thinks I do not discipline them but I really do..time out, sanctions etc, I just don't believe in losing control in response to their behaviour

joblot Fri 05-Oct-12 07:15:08

Why on earth are you considering being with someone who's in my opinion a fascist? He doesn't think men and women are equal? Really that's so bad in so many ways and I'd suggest means your relationship can never work. Really seriously bad for your dc too.

Do yourself and them a favour and get well rid

DippyDoohdah Fri 05-Oct-12 08:11:52

Job lot..sometimes I feel like that too but there are cultural differences which account for some of it perhaps (he is middle eastern)..what do you think of above IE what ds this morning? ..so confused, he has just come round and picked them both up for school/nurser "to help out" and they were so happy to see him

joblot Fri 05-Oct-12 09:32:48

Your h can believe what he likes, especially re fear of fathers. My experience tells me this is absolute bollocks. I work in social care, scared kids don't often grow up to be happy well adjusted adults.

Think about what you need. He isn't treating you well, no excuses. That's not good for you or your dc. Put you first. Easier said than done I know. Maybe get some counseling?

joblot Fri 05-Oct-12 09:37:43

And it's positive they can tell you their feelings and fears. If they are to continue seeing him this trust in you will help them feel safe and hopefully be safe too. They clearly understand already that their dad is an angry man, but they love him as he's their dad. Having good people who can be trusted and confided in, helps kids be resilient

mrkidd85 Fri 05-Oct-12 14:29:31

Women need to think carefully before going with a middle eastern man. I'm not saying they're all like this but their culture is all about the man. Women are seen as inferior - it's ingrained into them.

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