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What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 09-Feb-13 19:40:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 19:48:08

Stop reacting.

Just be.

What happens when you do these knee-jerk, emotional responses is that you regret them later - and all your power gets lost.

Do something different.

Pause for a moment and think about you.

Not him, not what he's done, not what you should do in the moment.

Get some help. Proper therapeutical help. Go talk to someone. Or several; therapists, solicitors, a good friend - and rant here.

Words from him are cheap. Actions speak louder. He's 'done' nothing much, apart from lie.

Practically speaking, how can you be smart here and break away from him?

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 09-Feb-13 20:01:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 20:24:43

OK I now have a large wine.

I think bad is right too. If you want to show how smart you are you could, for a start, step back a bit from the situation. Act like an observer to what is happening with Mr Gobshite. Treat it like a series of dance steps - one does one step and the dance partner does another accordingly - and so they fit together in a series of movements. Picture it literally if it helps.

That's what you and he are doing. You know it so well you have forgotten how you learned it, it's like second nature. Well, all you have to do is notice how you respond to what he says (because he's DOING fuck all). Once you begin to see yourself in the dance you can do a different step next time. He can only do what he does to you because you are in it together, I'm afraid. You are enabling him to act like a twat. But you can stop that. You can't stop him being a twat but you can stop helping him to be one by stepping away.

When you can do that you'll begin to see what other's are seeing. HTH

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 20:27:26

FWIW by the way, I kicked out my DP on yesterday. Compared to your sorry-arsed bloke mine was an angel and he drove me INSANE!!!!!
So it can be done.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 09-Feb-13 21:33:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 21:38:35

Being smart means getting the means together to live an independent life.

Making sure that you get your full share of equity if you own your house and it has to be sold. Or getting to keep it for a few more years if you've got very young children and FT work's going to be difficult right now. If you've got older kids but have shelved your career, taking steps to make a new one or get back to where you left off. Re-training, upskilling. Getting out there and meeting new people, or re-connecting with those who you once valued, but fell by the wayside when you did the whole married with kids malarkey. More immediately, get some therapy of your own to help with your your shattered, roller-coaster emotions and lost dreams.

The only caveat to this plan is don't do it if you're still hoping he'll miraculously change and it will all come right in the end.

Assume he won't.

If he does, promise yourself the only conditions will be that he gets his act together, gets some proper therapy and owns up to being a selfish dick all his life and realises that's why he can't keep it in his pants.

This bloke didn't get like this overnight.

There will have been 100 examples of shitty, entitled behaviour where he's put himself first over the years. Look back and recognise them for what they were. Stop idealising him as ever being a great husband and father. He might have passed for a reasonable one at times, but I doubt he's ever been 'great'. Look at your whole marriage in the round.

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 21:40:12

Please stop these knee-jerk threats that you don't have the strength for just yet to follow through on.

You're not yet there yet to say you want a divorce and he knows it.

Ahhhcrap Sat 09-Feb-13 21:40:48

Good for you OP

Seems he only agreed to do what you want him to when he absolutely has to.. He should have been begging you when you needed it, not just because you are now sticking up for yourself! Take control... It can only get better! Look after yourself hun x

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 09-Feb-13 22:08:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 22:08:55

Agree again with bad.

You are not ready to follow through. Like I said, this is another part of the dance. Take a step back.

What is your first, honest gut reaction? To shun him but deep down think "at last he's seeing how good we are, that's exactly what he needs to do"?

Bugger what he needs to do. What YOU need to do is detach your mind from his. Think for yourself.

You have two choices. Either accept him exactly as he is OR do something different which is only about you.

And I'm fine actually, thank you for asking OP. I didn't need to be strong. I think you can dump the idea that you have to be strong to get rid of this fuckwit. Because if you subscribe to that idea you will never do it whilst you are engaged in trying to change him. That will only sap your energy and leave you feeling weak. I just took a step back and began observing him.

It was easy after that.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 22:10:09

OP tell him to go.

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 22:21:39

You don't want a divorce.

Yet.

So right now, unlock the loo and come out like a grown-up.

Start talking and be honest. Tell him that you'll watch and wait to see what he does over the next few months without having to be told and you'll start getting on with your own life.

If he does what's necessary without a broom up his arse or the constant idle threats of divorce, you'll be in a stronger position to make a decision once you've got your own self back on track.

By that time, you might find you don't want him. Either way, assuming he walks the talk and you reinvent yourself, you'll both be better people and parents, either together or apart.

buildingmycorestrength Sat 09-Feb-13 22:24:40

He felt good about himself after counselling...hmmm...he got to talk about himself a lot and have someone 'validate his feelings' I expect.

Not. The. Point.

You don't need this.

You and your kids deserve better.

Choose a brighter, happier future.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 23:35:24

OP I sincerely hope you aren't picking him up and dusting him off hmm.

Buzzardbird Sun 10-Feb-13 03:34:43

Are you ok?

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