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What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 22:51:21

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rhondajean Fri 11-Jan-13 07:40:22

How are you this morning? Did you manage to sleep?

Im heading to work now but I'll look in this evening and catch up.

Spree Fri 11-Jan-13 08:28:19

I have just read your post and am perhaps about 6 months further along than you.

I made H move out for about 5 months but we are back together and trying again.

All the emotions & how you feel are normal and I still experience some of them today.

He has to do the heavy lifting at this stage, becoming super dad and husband isn't good enough.

He needs to work out why he feels it is ok to do what he has done.

You have read NJF but he needs to read it too, I would also recommend he reads "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" - available as an e-book.

Hard as it is, take this time on your own to focus on you - I had individual counselling sessions which were very helpful for me, lots of exercise (helps with the anger).

My H also did a lot of internal work on himself, going back through his childhood to understand his behaviours and how he allowed himself to become this person.

I still struggle and it is an arduous uphill slog and I don't recommend this path - I started off doing this for my DCs but there are still days when I question my sanity.

Notthecat - heartbreaking thread, am so sorry for you. I am amazed you still find it in you to describe him as "a good man" because, just from what you have told us on this thread, I am sorry, but he is NOT a good man. He may have some good qualities but a good man does not behave in the way he has. We're not just talking about a stupid ONS which some people could work their way through if it was that single solitary event. Your husband did far more than that. He was not a good man when he cheated on women before you (which you say he did) and he is not a good man when he cheated on you with other women (plural).

I wish you every luck in the world but you can do SO much better than this and deserve much better than this. Maintaining an amicable situation for your boys is important but other than that, have no more to do with this man. Please.

dequoisagitil Fri 11-Jan-13 11:17:17

Well done, op. I hope you find clarity and a way forward. smile

So sorry op sad

This is NOT a good man. This man has crushed your self esteem and broken your family up for a cheap ego boost and because he wasn't getting enough sex. A good man wouldn't do this.

It will get easier and better. Hold onto that feeling of strength you had when you first kicked him out. You will be fine x

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 11-Jan-13 13:23:20

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Notthecat - sorry to ask what may seem like a blunt question, but WHY do you want the two of you to survive this? Are you telling us you are happy to carry on in the same way as before? Because, I'm sorry, the likelihood is that this particular leopard isn't going to change his spots. Do you really want to spend the next 5 years wondering if he's behaving himself? Are you saying you are happy to remain married to someone who thinks so little of you that he feels it's OK to sleep around? Possibly risking your health? Thinks so little of his family that he constantly risks it falling apart by cheating on you?

Sorry, but I don't get it.

Spree Fri 11-Jan-13 13:35:20

You are not a mess, you are going through a very traumatic time in your life, learning that the person who should've had your back, has betrayed you instead.

This trauma has been likened to PTSD - be good to yourself, be kind to yourself, don't expect to be able to function as normal.

Have you any family or friends who could help you eg. give you a break by cooking you and DC meals?

What about just keeping a journal of everything you are feeling? It can be quite helpful and cathartic sometimes to put things down in writing.

As for feeling sad, angry, that is all normal for this stage. One thing my counsellor helped me with was telling me to allow myself to feel these feelings, that it was ok.

Hugs to you, and yes, one day, one step at a time, things will get better.

dequoisagitil Fri 11-Jan-13 13:39:06

It just means you're numb. You are so obviously not a hard horrible person.

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 11-Jan-13 13:45:11

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Notthecatspyjamas Fri 11-Jan-13 14:01:06

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Notthecat - am sorry to sound such a naysayer but, generally, once people get to a certain age they are what they are and find it very difficult to change. And experience and reading enough threads on here would tend to back me up that your bloke is unlikely to change.

Now, I can't say for 100% certain your bloke will cheat again. Not every criminal reoffends. But it seems far more likely he will than he won't, doesn't it? And sometimes those risks aren't worth taking. Look at how you felt a few months ago. How you feel again now. How will you feel if in a year's time you learn more unpleasant truths.

Yes, some can change. But usually they are those where it was one drunken stupid mistake of an ONS or a relatively brief physical or emotional affair. Something that was a one off, out of character.

Your bloke cheated on his ex. You told us that. The likelihood is he cheated on previous girlfriends too. While with you he had at least one affair and two ONS that you know about, and one of those while you were pregnant with his child.

That is pretty despicable in anyone's books and is not the behaviour of a good man.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 18:31:05

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 18:31:38

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 19:01:34

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emess Thu 24-Jan-13 19:57:57

Sorry to hear about this. He is messing you about, keeping you believing that deep down he's good - but he's not. Somebody wiser will be along shortly I'm sure. Meantime, look after yourself - you deserve better than he is treating you!

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 20:26:50

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Whocansay Thu 24-Jan-13 20:36:31

OP what he's doing is making a 'plea bargain', because he's trying to get rid of his guilt by hurting you. This is not the act of a good man. He is a cheat and a liar and he doesn't even appear to be sorry for what he's done.

I would advise getting angry and getting rid.

Ahhhcrap Thu 24-Jan-13 21:34:42

OP so sorry to read your thread, so much of what you've put resonates with me, and I'm sure others. Firstly the way you feel and what you are doing is completely normal in the situation.

I come to the conclusion that some people 'just can't help themselves' when it comes to being faithful. My exH deleted his FB account after I'd caught him cheating. I think it was easier to remove the temptation than actually deal with it - a cowards way IMO.

You will get through this! You will become stronger! And you will be happy again!

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 22:00:37

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LottieJenkins Thu 24-Jan-13 22:14:34

He says he has but has he...........? can you check?

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 22:24:21

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PatriciaHolm Thu 24-Jan-13 22:24:39

Sweetie, you have to listen to what he's telling you. Essentially, he's confessing that he can't stay faithful, even to a woman he loves and who he has children by. He can't do it. He has been unfaithful to you multiple times. He isn't going to change, and essentially he doesn't care to. He's got away with it every time so far, and as far as he's concerned, will continue to do so.

You are worth so, so much more than this, and so are your boys. They don't need to grow up thinking cheating on your partner is normal and acceptable.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 22:27:03

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