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ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

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weeonion Sat 06-Oct-12 19:29:22

OP - hope you got through today ok and managed to get to speak to your friend from work.

BerylStreep Sun 07-Oct-12 03:32:00

sad sorry to hear this.

Are you satisfied that there isn't anything more recent?

Am angry that he is trying to blame you by suggesting it is your fault for not giving him enough sex. This is not your fault.

Don't be bullied into making any quick decisions. His need for a quick decision from you sounds odd, like he has detached already, and is waiting for the go ahead to move on. Sorry, that may not be what you want to hear.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 14:43:34

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AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 15:07:48

but I also felt free and strong and relieved for the first time in years

Hold that thought.

If you stay with him, you will never be able to trust him and this will eat away at you. It will probably affect how you are towards him and then when he has his next affair he will blame you again

I know it's hard, but there is more to life and love than feeling how you are feeling right now.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Thu 10-Jan-13 15:15:27

I have read NGF and went for an STD test as he never used condoms. He has done neither.

I am sorry. But he does not seem to be trying very hard to win you back.

He is not even protecting you, should you have unprotected sex with him again, which does not sound advisable.

(((Hugs)))

dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 15:21:26

He hasn't done everything he could to set things on the right path, because he let you go through having an STD test, while he hasn't taken responsibility and had one himself too. That's pretty poor.

I think how you felt during your separation is significant.

Staying with someone after something like this is hugely painful and up and down. Only you can decide whether it's worth the struggle and pain that will be ongoing for months/possibly years yet.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 16:08:02

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dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 16:22:16

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low.

I think the temptation to keep things quiet can be quite destructive in itself. It can seem like if you're open about what happened, there'll be pressure to end it or that it'll affect everyone's view of you/dh - and if you end up staying together, it seems like more harm caused than there would have been trying to get through it quietly. But it does cut you off from more support and it does mean you feel you're living a lie to some extent, while also letting him off the hook so he doesn't face the full consequences.

Have you done any counselling?

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 16:33:28

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dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 16:40:43

Maybe try another counsellor? I'm not surprised you didn't go back!

Those things that cheaters do that let you twist yourself into knots and think you're paranoid or ill are horrendous. I don't know how they justify it to themselves - I suppose they are in a place where they're detaching emotionally and laying all the blame at our door.

dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 16:53:58

Maybe you should ask him to move out again. I think him being there makes it difficult to see clearly. I know that mine could make anything seem reasonable and in his presence I was fine - but when he wasn't around I'd start questioning everything.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 17:07:07

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dequoisagitil Thu 10-Jan-13 17:14:59

No, I didn't. I think it was a mistake on my part, to be frank.

I've never really had the time to myself to know what life would be like without him or for him to be exposed to the consequences. I'm about a year further on than you and I feel it's papered over, yet to bring it to the surface again at this stage seems unreasonable when he's tried hard. sad I should probably take some of my own advice.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 17:26:21

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seventheaven Thu 10-Jan-13 17:27:06

Hello op, I'm very sorry to read about your situation, I can not give you real hugs so cyber ones will have to do.

I'm thinking of practical things that you could do;
If I found myself in your predicament I would insist that he leaves. Unplug the phone/turn off mobile and buy a cheep pay as you go to give yourself some thinking time (give your new phone number only to trusted people), block him from any online means of contacting you. You need some space to get your head straight. Go and seek legal advise, contact gp, getting a counsellor to help you thru this will help, it will also be helpful to have this situation recorded in your medical notes and how it has been effecting you. Inform the school, nursery etc. Collect up all legal documents, bank statements, passports etc, photocopy give to solicitor and keep all safe (family member?). Arrange access with children to take place at a family/friends house if you can (or at least make sure someone is with you when he comes to take kids out. Do not let him have access to them in the house (you need space and pref not to see him for a while). Loose your keys when he has gone and change the locks, log this with your solicitor (not legal but will give you peace of mind that he can't just walk into your healing/get your head together space.

If you have good family/friends inform them of your problem, talk to them, gain support for you and your family. Be kind to yourself, you will roller-coaster, some days you will feel strong, use these days wisely. On the days that you feel washed out and drained just go with that and try to do things that you want to do rather than things you feel that your should be doing. So spend an hour in the bath or watch a film during the day whilst eating chocolates with a friend.

You do not have to do any of this to a time scale, just take one step at a time. If you do decide to split then you must clearly explain to him that you need time to think and give yourself that time. He can always see kids with help of others, until you feel strong enough to converse with him direct, until then do it through a solicitor.

This probably all seems like rubbish advice, but can only look at this from a what would I do pov.

Best of luck and you are not alone, many here will help.

DragonMamma Thu 10-Jan-13 17:48:54

Hey Cats

Glad you came back to update, I've posted a bit further back and often wondered how you'd been getting on.

I'm not surprised you've been through the mill and I'm not sure what to suggest, I'm sure more wise women than me will be along shortly.

Although, if I were in your position I would be struggling the same way you clearly are. Not just because of what it is but the length and depth of his deceit then obviously not crawling on his knees daily, for forgiveness.

I don't think many women could forgive him for what he's done so don't for a second think you have to stay a minute longer than you want to.

I've been in the situation where I just want to switch my mind off because I can't get things out of it and I just want a rest from feeling anything at all. It's draining and soul destroying to be trapped with your own thoughts constantly.

If you can only deal with the situation when he's around then maybe you've got to call it a day? I know I had to with my ex Dp and that was for a much lesser 'offense'.

You'll be fine eventually, we all are. We'll just have a few more battle scars...

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 18:42:21

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 22:08:07

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daylily Thu 10-Jan-13 22:20:59

A lurker here but I hope you are ok Cats, you will get through this.

rhondajean Thu 10-Jan-13 22:27:25

Hi not the. I'm just catching up. What a lousy time you have been through.

Where has he gone? Are you ok right at the moment?

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 22:27:43

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rhondajean Thu 10-Jan-13 22:31:52

Your boys will be fine.

You tell them dad has had to go sty somewhere else for now because you and him both have lots to things to do but that he still loves them very much and so do you and he will se them at (teatime/weekend/whatever).

I think you did the right thing. My honest opinion, he thinks he's got away with it and I wouldn't be surprised if after a brief period of remorse and good behaviour he was back at it again. But even if I am wrong, you can't sort your head out with him there.

Do not hate yourself. You did not create this situation, he did.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 10-Jan-13 22:33:51

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MumVsKids Thu 10-Jan-13 22:39:09

When you say he has gone, do you mean he has moved out?

MumVsKids Thu 10-Jan-13 22:45:49

Sorry, I've caught up now.

Fwiw, I am five years further on than where you are now, except I was the me having the affair sad

DH and I spent almost 3 months apart before deciding to give it another go.
We've been to counselling, talked for hours and hours, shouted yelled - you name it.

We've also had two more DCs in the last five years.

It's not easy, every day there are reminders for him of what I did, and he struggles massively with that, but what I can say, is that in five years, I have not put a foot wrong IYSWIM. My phone, pc, iPad are open to him, nothing is password protected.

I am open and honest to a fault at times and day by day we get a bit stronger.
We will make old bones of our marriage, but only because we both want to.

I deeply regret my affair, and the whole 4 weeks it lasted. I wish everyday I had a rewind button.

Do feel free to pm if you want to talk anymore x

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