Mumsnet Talk

DH and I together for 14 years, we have DCs and have had the normal ups and downs like all marriages. About 18 mths ago we were going through a particularly bad patch ( distant, arguing loads, sporadic sex life etc). One morning we had another row over sex ( I had rebuffed him the night before) before he left for work. To this day I don't know what made me do it, but for the first time ever I looked at his phone messages later that night. I found what could have been a fairly innocent text (sent on his way to work) to someone asking how they were and hoping they were not feeling too bad. She (obviously) replied how sad and lonely she felt but it was good to be at work (with a smiley face). Immediately, my gut said something was wrong with this. Firstly, the way he signed off was the way he does with me, just using an initial, so she obviously was used to getting texts from him. Her number was not stored in his phone, so he must have known it off by heart. Also, he'd just had a row with me and I had been very upset, but his first thought is to text her, not talk to me or ask how I was feeling.

After a lot of snooping and digging (horrible) I discovered who she was. She worked in a different department but same building and my DH was senior to her. Looking at his mobile records online showed frequent texting between them, over the previous 12 mths but only during work hours. But I couldn't get the following things out of my head:

He never mentioned her yet he told me about lots (not all) of other colleagues

Her number was not stored on his phone

Why would you need to text someone at work anyway? To my mind, there is only one rational explanation - can't use internal phone system in case you are overheard and his emails would have been read by his secretary, so to ensure privacy, you text.

So I asked him outright if there was someone else and he started laughing and said no, and no he had not been even texting anyone. Maybe I was wrong and he had just been supporting a work colleague after all. I couldn't 't ask him about her specifically as he 'd know I'd been snooping and I also had decided to watch and wait, get on with life, but keep my powder dry IYKWIM.

A month ago he started a new job. He left his leaving cards out and she had signed one. A very neutral non- committal message, when everyone else had loads of wonderful things to say about him. In fact, (and I can' t really believe I actually did this, but this is how crazy this has made me ) out of 72 women who signed all the cards, she was one of five who didn't use his name or sign with love or kisses. I thought this was strange as they had been such good "friends". Back to the phone records and ther were no further texts after I asked him if he had someone else. But on his last day in his old job, he texted her that night. I don't know the content, he deleted it. The next day they are suddenly friends on Facebook after all this time ( and she has a man now in all her pictures, didn't 18 mths ago). A few days after that, I saw that he'd been looking at specific photos of her on her FB page and then looked at some porn site - specifically older women porn.I don't have a problem with him looking at porn. I am 5 years older than him,but she is probably 2 or 3 years older than me. No more activity since then. So my question is this - have I read this totally wrong? Is it or was it innocent? I'm going round in circles and am driving myself mad thinking about it again, just when I thought I'd put it out of my head.I love him and I do believe he loves me and I don't know what I'd do with it if I ever got concrete proof. I just need some advice and opinions as I don't know what to think anymore.

BTW he has form - cheated all the time on his long term GF before meeting me. I'm really sorry this is so long, didn't want to drip feed. Thank you so much if you have got all the way to the end and would really be very grateful for any replies x

Now I've written it all down it looks stupid and I feel a bit ridiculous.

I don't think you will get any concrete proof of anything happening between your DH and this former colleague, if anything ever did.
He may have fancied her, fantasised about her but there's not much you could do about this. Maybe just keep an eye on things.

A bigger issue is that you don't trust him because of his past

Until you said he had previously been a cheat i may have said you were over reacting.
It may be that because you are not getting on you are a bit sensitive.
I looked at dh texts years ago after we had not been together long.
I just told him id looked and apologised and told him aabout a text that had bothered me. He was more upset that id been worried and put me right on it.
I will never do it again but as you have done id just talk to him about it or you will drive yourself mad.

Thanks. I know that I will probably never know the truth. My gut tells me there was something dodgy about it but maybe he just got a bit too close to her and nothing else? If anything, we 've been getting on great recently, which is why I don't want to have this uncertainty hanging over me. He is an attractive man, popular, makes friends easily and women love him.

Forgot to say, she also texted him on his first day at new job to wish him luck (only her and his former secretary out of the 100 or so people he worked with). His reply was polite but cold IYKWIM.

I reckon one of the main reasons for that difficult patch you went through was because he'd got close to the work colleague, at least 12 months before. Might have been a full-on affair or a mutual crush, but it had the same effect on your relationship. Being distant and argumentative probably made you want sex less and it became a vicious circle. The point being, their texting came before the bad patch.

You might be getting on great now, but that's neither here of there. You mistrust him and with good reason because he lied to you, he looks at porn and you've both got secrets. It's not an honest relationship and if he was unfaithful then and before, it's only a matter of time before he meets some new woman at his new job. Cue him becoming distant, argumentative and....well, you know the cycle.

Is there any chance he moved jobs to remove himself from the situation? Could explain why so cold, no kisses etc?

I don't think you sound ridiculous. It sounds like he had some form of affair with her, if not physical, certainly emotional.

Had she suffered a bereavement / break up when you found that first text? Saying you are sad and lonely sounds like he may have started out being supportive of someone who was going through something, which then developed, IYSWIM. I'm just wondering, had she been off work in the period that he was doing all the texting? Perhaps with an illness / depression, and that is why she said it was good to be back at work?

I sometimes send text messages to members of my team, or my boss, but about work related issues and once in a blue moon. I certainly wouldn't know their phone numbers off by heart. Nor do I delete messages to them.

Sounds like he has realised you might find out, has cooled it off with her, and that accounts for the neutral message on the card. LOL about counting names and kisses on the card! Not laughing at you, but because of the lengths cheating spouses drive people to. Did you do a spreadsheet?

I suppose you need to decide what you want to do. Do you accept that he may have had an EA, but that it is probably over and you may never know the truth?

Or do you keep watching and looking for evidence?

I'm sorry to say that I agree with familyscapegoat.

Always listen to your instincts. I am afraid you may be on the money. The distance, squabbling etc are red flags. Also he lied about texting someone else and only stopped texting after your chat with him - this does not bode well.

I would keep a watchful eye - if you can hack into his FB account and check the private messages there you may find out more...

These are telling

His new job is in the same field, different company but a promotion from what he did before and more money. Her having a rough time could explain the "support" I suppose, but the fact is that he told me about people he worked with and their personal problems (nothing too confidential) and yet he has never once mentioned her.

Thank you Beryl, I am thinking along the same lines. That something was going on and I stupidly showed my hand too soon and he realised I was on to him, hence nothing since then.

It boils down to this really - either it was innocent or it wasn't. If he was doing nothing wrong, why all the secrecy? I understand that the wider issue here is one of trust, but that's a whole other thread. I am so grateful for the replies you have taken the time to post and while I feel really stupid it does help just to get it all off my chest. Beryl, yes I do accept that and yes I am half demented from checking all the time. If I knew one way or the other I could stop and I could live with it I think. For now, I just need to work out if I have imagined it all or not, so all you wonderful wise women out there, on the balance of probabilities, would you think it was innocent or not?

I am afraid I think he is up to no good.

The secrecy.

The lie about texting her.

Plus his behaviour at home.

You are not imagining things, you are not losing your sanity.

No you are not going mad, thats exactly what I have been experiencing with my DH for sometime now. I have snooped and had lots of info and support on here. I still have not found any evidence as yet but like you my gut is screaming yes yes yes you are right he is shagging someone else!!!!!!!!! I can't find the strength as yet to say get out of my house and don't come back you twat!!!!!!! I will though D Day is coming I can feel it.......

On the balance of probabilities, I would say he had an affair with this woman. If you'd started a thread 18 months ago just saying your husband was distant and argumentative and manipulating you into thinking that you were sexually rejecting him (when actually he didn't want sex with you, he just wanted you to take the blame for it so he could have an excuse) then I would have suggested 'affair'.

Does it matter though? I don't mean whether he has had an affair because of course that matters. I mean that you know he lied to you and had a secret relationship with another woman. Can you live with that and what it might mean for the future?

Can you afford a private investigator and get DH and OW followed?
Might be worth it to put your mind at rest.

I don't know whether he has had an affair, possibly just a close friendship but the question is what will happen now. He may have been forced to keep it under wraps when she worked in the same company and that restriction has gone.

The fact that she suddenly had lots of photos of herself and an OM on her facebook pages sounds suspect to me. Something a PI could check on - does she have a partner or not.

Even if you don't find proof perhaps you could suggest counselling / a weekend away as you are 'concerned that your relationship is not as happy as it could be/ used to be and you would never want to lose him' or something.

I think it sounds like there was something going on but its over and they know to keep their distance.its not likelyy you will ever get to know, unless he is caught out again one day and doors a full confession...again, unlikely! If you could re set your stall in terms of basic expectations, maybe you would b feel a bit more control.sorry you are in this x

Dippy, that 's good advice, thanks. I thought I'd put it all behind me, but then it comes back again, the secret texts, the card, the FB stuff, then looking at granny porn immediately afterwards . . . I've been thinking about all your replies and right now I'm starting to feel really angry. It's just crap isn't it?

You may find this link helpful when talking to him about friendships and boundaries:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizzes.htm

Cats, I was a bit flippant about the card / spreadsheet comment. Sorry.

I see this so much on here, woman suspects H of messing around, and drives herself round the bend (completely understandably) looking for some evidence to support the her gut feeling, which is almost invariably right.

Meanwhile, H engineers arguments and gaslights, so the the woman doubts herself, and very often her sanity, and often ends up on anti-depressants.

It makes me really .

Yes, I think he has had an affair with her. I think it was over. What is worrying is that he is now looking at her photos on fb - is he thinking of reigniting things?

I agree with trying to hack Facebook.

PS - what age counts as granny porn? [worried]

I know his password for FB, how do I find any private messages?

Sorry Beryl, I forgot to say "granny porn" was what he had searched for on a specific porn site after looking at (not random, but deliberately selected) photos of her on her FB page. I am 44, she is probably late forties and it looks like there are photos of her grandchildren on her page too, so I guess that makes her a granny then . . .

To find PMs, when you get into his account, go to Messages (on left column) then view these - make sure you look at the archived ones (go to bottom of page to click onto these).

Thanks for that MadAboutHotChoc - I've just done it and there's nothing from her. We've swapped cars today so I had a look in his briefcase a while ago and found what looks part of an email from someone she knows in his new job (small world) giving her the lowdown on who's who at the new company.

She is obviously so concerned about his welfare she's gone to the trouble of discussing him with a future colleague before he even started there. She has thoughtfully printed it and written "(his name) hope this will help you on your way (her name)" and yet another one of her fucking smiley faces.

Buried right at the bottom of the briefcase.

I don't know what to advise.

If it was my DH, I would confront him, tell him my suspicions and demand an explanation for his behaviour and all the texting 18 months ago.

If he said my suspicions were groundless, I would tell him that if I ever caught him doing anything like that I would be wearing his balls for earrings.

But I'm crap at holding my tongue, and you run the risk of him continuing as is, but getting better at covering his tracks.

Whatever you do, take a copy of the e-mail and keep it somewhere safe.