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What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:46:59

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SorryMyLollipop Thu 20-Sep-12 14:50:36

I don't think you will get any concrete proof of anything happening between your DH and this former colleague, if anything ever did.
He may have fancied her, fantasised about her but there's not much you could do about this. Maybe just keep an eye on things.

A bigger issue is that you don't trust him because of his past

ledkr Thu 20-Sep-12 14:55:47

Until you said he had previously been a cheat i may have said you were over reacting.
It may be that because you are not getting on you are a bit sensitive.
I looked at dh texts years ago after we had not been together long.
I just told him id looked and apologised and told him aabout a text that had bothered me. He was more upset that id been worried and put me right on it.
I will never do it again but as you have done id just talk to him about it or you will drive yourself mad.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 15:05:25

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 15:27:45

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familyscapegoat Thu 20-Sep-12 16:47:31

I reckon one of the main reasons for that difficult patch you went through was because he'd got close to the work colleague, at least 12 months before. Might have been a full-on affair or a mutual crush, but it had the same effect on your relationship. Being distant and argumentative probably made you want sex less and it became a vicious circle. The point being, their texting came before the bad patch.

You might be getting on great now, but that's neither here of there. You mistrust him and with good reason because he lied to you, he looks at porn and you've both got secrets. It's not an honest relationship and if he was unfaithful then and before, it's only a matter of time before he meets some new woman at his new job. Cue him becoming distant, argumentative and....well, you know the cycle.

DoingItForMyself Thu 20-Sep-12 17:18:07

Is there any chance he moved jobs to remove himself from the situation? Could explain why so cold, no kisses etc?

BerylStreep Thu 20-Sep-12 17:24:56

I don't think you sound ridiculous. It sounds like he had some form of affair with her, if not physical, certainly emotional.

Had she suffered a bereavement / break up when you found that first text? Saying you are sad and lonely sounds like he may have started out being supportive of someone who was going through something, which then developed, IYSWIM. I'm just wondering, had she been off work in the period that he was doing all the texting? Perhaps with an illness / depression, and that is why she said it was good to be back at work?

I sometimes send text messages to members of my team, or my boss, but about work related issues and once in a blue moon. I certainly wouldn't know their phone numbers off by heart. Nor do I delete messages to them.

Sounds like he has realised you might find out, has cooled it off with her, and that accounts for the neutral message on the card. LOL about counting names and kisses on the card! Not laughing at you, but because of the lengths cheating spouses drive people to. smile Did you do a spreadsheet? grin

I suppose you need to decide what you want to do. Do you accept that he may have had an EA, but that it is probably over and you may never know the truth?

Or do you keep watching and looking for evidence?

I'm sorry to say that I agree with familyscapegoat.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 17:26:02

Always listen to your instincts. I am afraid you may be on the money. The distance, squabbling etc are red flags. Also he lied about texting someone else and only stopped texting after your chat with him - this does not bode well.

I would keep a watchful eye - if you can hack into his FB account and check the private messages there you may find out more...

These are telling

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 19:29:15

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MadAboutHotChoc Thu 20-Sep-12 20:16:35

I am afraid I think he is up to no good.

The secrecy.

The lie about texting her.

Plus his behaviour at home.

You are not imagining things, you are not losing your sanity.

angelpinkcar Thu 20-Sep-12 20:29:17

No you are not going mad, thats exactly what I have been experiencing with my DH for sometime now. I have snooped and had lots of info and support on here. I still have not found any evidence as yet but like you my gut is screaming yes yes yes you are right he is shagging someone else!!!!!!!!! I can't find the strength as yet to say get out of my house and don't come back you twat!!!!!!! I will though D Day is coming I can feel it.......

familyscapegoat Thu 20-Sep-12 20:34:45

On the balance of probabilities, I would say he had an affair with this woman. If you'd started a thread 18 months ago just saying your husband was distant and argumentative and manipulating you into thinking that you were sexually rejecting him (when actually he didn't want sex with you, he just wanted you to take the blame for it so he could have an excuse) then I would have suggested 'affair'.

Does it matter though? I don't mean whether he has had an affair because of course that matters. I mean that you know he lied to you and had a secret relationship with another woman. Can you live with that and what it might mean for the future?

Mayisout Thu 20-Sep-12 21:19:29

Can you afford a private investigator and get DH and OW followed?
Might be worth it to put your mind at rest.

I don't know whether he has had an affair, possibly just a close friendship but the question is what will happen now. He may have been forced to keep it under wraps when she worked in the same company and that restriction has gone.

The fact that she suddenly had lots of photos of herself and an OM on her facebook pages sounds suspect to me. Something a PI could check on - does she have a partner or not.

Even if you don't find proof perhaps you could suggest counselling / a weekend away as you are 'concerned that your relationship is not as happy as it could be/ used to be and you would never want to lose him' or something.

DippyDoohdah Thu 20-Sep-12 22:02:00

I think it sounds like there was something going on but its over and they know to keep their distance.its not likelyy you will ever get to know, unless he is caught out again one day and doors a full confession...again, unlikely! If you could re set your stall in terms of basic expectations, maybe you would b feel a bit more control.sorry you are in this x

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 08:36:24

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MadAboutHotChoc Fri 21-Sep-12 09:00:24

You may find this link helpful when talking to him about friendships and boundaries:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizzes.htm

BerylStreep Fri 21-Sep-12 09:10:18

Cats, I was a bit flippant about the card / spreadsheet comment. Sorry.

I see this so much on here, woman suspects H of messing around, and drives herself round the bend (completely understandably) looking for some evidence to support the her gut feeling, which is almost invariably right.

Meanwhile, H engineers arguments and gaslights, so the the woman doubts herself, and very often her sanity, and often ends up on anti-depressants.

It makes me really angry.

Yes, I think he has had an affair with her. I think it was over. What is worrying is that he is now looking at her photos on fb - is he thinking of reigniting things?

I agree with trying to hack Facebook.

PS - what age counts as granny porn? [worried]

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 13:26:14

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Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 14:03:40

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MadAboutHotChoc Fri 21-Sep-12 14:36:37

To find PMs, when you get into his account, go to Messages (on left column) then view these - make sure you look at the archived ones (go to bottom of page to click onto these).

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 14:52:54

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Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 14:53:48

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BerylStreep Fri 21-Sep-12 15:55:51

I don't know what to advise.

If it was my DH, I would confront him, tell him my suspicions and demand an explanation for his behaviour and all the texting 18 months ago.

If he said my suspicions were groundless, I would tell him that if I ever caught him doing anything like that I would be wearing his balls for earrings.

But I'm crap at holding my tongue, and you run the risk of him continuing as is, but getting better at covering his tracks.

Whatever you do, take a copy of the e-mail and keep it somewhere safe.

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