Not sure where to post this.
I'm currently on mat. leave and have 2 DDs, DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 6 months. I hate my life and no-one knows it. DH works long hours, never helps with anything around the house, I do everything, from putting the cereal and milk back in the cupboard/fridge every morning to all the food planning, cooking and all childcare - although thankfully DD1 has a nursery place some days and we have a cleaner. I have a high powered job I don't want to return to after the stress of returning after DD1 and doing the above landed me with a breakdown.
We have no family close by. I resent my parents an my ILs. My parents because my mum is an alcoholic and my dad is useless. I've bailed them out financially and dealt with their emotional issues for YEARS - I couldn't wit to leave home and go to Uni to get away from their depressing failings. I then spent years getting a good job so that I could afford to save them financially (which I did numerous times when they pawned wedding rings etc). Managed to avoid them selling the house to pay off credit card debts by giving them £20k. When they come to visit mum usually starts sneaking off for her secret vodka swigs between 2 and 4pm and is slurring by 7 and staggering soon after - we all ignore this and pretend it's not happening - I'm afraid if what the confrontation would do - that I'd completely break mum and dad for exposing the dirty secret I suppose.
The ILs favour my SIL who leads a charmed existance. She live much closer to them and gets free childcare from them everyday. She's had many weekends away, nights out and time off. Her kids are always being clothed and given toys and games by the ILs, her lavish wedding was fully paid for, her husband has inherited a packet and they're just buying a massive house. I try really hard to just suck it up and mind my own business but it just compounds the shtness of my life TBH. I've had one day away from the kids in 3 years and DD1 is a real tantruming challenge and it's wearing me down.
I have no close friends (plenty I see for coffee but no-one who'd send me a birthday card for example), last year SIL didn't even send me a card. Whenever I try to raise how I feel DH is useless, he doesn't understand and seems to find it all a bit perplexing and a bit of an inconvenience. I don't feel cared for by anyone and I'm pig sick of being the one who takes care of everyone else. My favourite time this year was recovering in hospital from my CS as it was 2.5 days of someone else taking care of me - I cried when I left.
I really don't know how to get out of this mess. My life seems to consist of one long trudge, I can choose to trudge in different ways (back to work, SAHM, more childcare/less childcare) but it's all sht to be honest. I've felt suicidal but my parents would really lose the plot if I did that (kids are too young to really be bothered for long and DH would find someone else, he's young enough but I know that I shouldn't do that to them) so I just stay stuck, trudging along. Turning up to all the baby coffee mornings and singing groups and the rest of it pretending it's all lovely when it's not. I hate everything about being trapped in this life. I wish I hadn't married DH. I feel like putting my walking boots on and just going.
This is getting stupidly long and waffley so I'll stop now - should also say I've namechanged for this, I use the site quite a bit. Not really sure what I think this will achieve but I'm on my own at the mo so wanted to get this out of me.
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Relationships
So sick of it all
hamandegg · 19/09/2012 21:52
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