How Do I Move On?

[LostandLonley]

New to MN Long Post.DH has moved out after 36yrs of marriage this July.2011 asked DH several times if he was having an affair, which he always denied, DH made it very easy to find details of OW ,never passworded phone, kept dashing to another room to text etc.Worked away more often,would not disclose his whereabouts.Confronted DH when I found firm evidence to which he replied he had had an affair with his much younger P.A. but all over, as she called off affair when DH would not leave me for her.I wanted to work on our marriage, we went to relate etc but still had nagging doubts, his drinking was out of control. DH frequently emotionally/verbally abusive , getting into fights, always angry, all very out of character.One night DH hit me , blacked my eye and walked out , returning at 5am next day. Next evening found DH talking to OW on phone, pleading for her to take him back. Asked DH to move out to which he replied,OW not yet saved up enough money to leave her DH. Eventually with the threat of informing his office & OW DH(although she still remains in her marital home) he moved out, on the day he left it was like a stranger had moved into his body. Why does a previously loving man turn into a monster? Why could DH not sit down and discuss like an adult? He has ignored emails for the last 6 months from our two fine DS who live & work abroad, . I have not turned DS against DH, but they are incredibly hurt by his behaviour and now want nothing to do with DH.DH has drained money out of joint account and refuses to answer letters re divorce.Found good solicitor and setting wheels in motion, but how do I move on from this.I am an only child.Very few friends as spent most of my time with DH at weekends, he was my world. Feel lost and lonley, the pain is almost unbearable, why do some men behave like this, when they no longer want to be married. How in my late 50's do I start again? Every day seems longer than the last!

[Mum2Fergus]

Hi there, you'll find many here who are better experienced to help you than I...Im sure they'll be along soon. Just wanted to pop in and let you know you're not alone x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Why does a previously loving man turn into a monster? "

You will get no satisfactory answer for that, unfortunately, but you can waste a lot of your life wondering. Bottom line is he's extremely selfish, he took a risk, things haven't gone at all his way and he's a really, really sore loser. I knew someone else similar age that totally rejected his grown-up children in similar circs. It was like he was trying to pretend the past hadn't happened.... reinvent himself.

There are lots of ways to start fresh. I started with holidays. Not singles ones (grim) but the more adventurous type of thing to exotic locations where I met some truly fascinating people. Then there are hobbies and activities. I joined a local community singing group, for example and have made some good friends. Local authorities have lists of courses, activities and things. You could get a job or volunteer in the community. It's important to find things to do to keep yourself busy and stop yourself wallowing or mulling things over and over. One day - and you'll just have to trust me - you'll realise you haven't thought about him for a week.

Glad you've got a good solicitor. Look after yourself.

[LostandLonley]

Thank you Mum2Fergus and CogitoErgoSometimes, cant seem to stop crying today,I am not the most confident person you will ever meet and this has floored me. Lots of helpful suggestions- thanks.

[Tryingtobenice]

This will sound flippant, but it's not meant to belittle how big this is, just a suggestion for when you are ready. Grab a female friend and go on holiday. I would suggest New York, it's really invigorating, if a city can be invigorating? And American men are not shy and reserved like the British breed, you will have men check youout and chat you up (late fifties is prime babyboomer!). It's not love or a long term solution but a damn good pick me up.

[Punkatheart]

My darling girl. I am always so sorry that this happens to such lovely sensitive women. I am a year and a bit along - been through it all - serious suicidal thoughts, sobbing, worrying about ex (I would recommend to kill that one and concentrate on yourself - it was the biggest mistake I made.)

It hurts. I know. If you are anywhere in the southeast, I would be happy to meet up and share our stories - the amazing sisterhood here helped me so much. Or you can private message me.

One day at a time. Keep this thread for you and put everything you feel on it - no matter how negative. We will hold your hand.

I still have bad days and the pain - well it cuts really deep. But I have truly moved on and my life now is better, with better people. It will be for you, I promise. Better, or your money back!

Hugs.

[Mrsgorgeous]

Similar story her too. Still in shock nearly seven months on. My ex has also drawn a line under his old life and doesn't talk to my children. The youngest, 20 is devastated .
I don't know how or when we will get over this but like punkatheart and so many others on here tell us, we will.
Wishing you well, it's good to talk and know that you're not alone xxxx

[LostandLonley]

Thank you Punkatheart and Mrsgorgeous, your posts have made feel hopeful and sad at the same time, that so many of us are in the same boat. Children no matter how old do not deserve to be treated in such a way. Have spent the day completing paperwork for solicitor, and feel a little more in control now I have posted. On my return looked at the mess I have been living in so will make a start on house and myself. NO! me ist and then home. Thanks xx getting there one day at a time.

[LostandLonley]

playing on the radio... Loving the Sound by the Overtones a song about moving on after a breakup, how apt , turning up volume. xxxx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Get 'I Will Survive' on the headphones and shake your booty!!!

[Abitwobblynow]

You see, if he didn't turn into a monster and blame you, then that would mean that there was something wrong and selfish with HIM.

It hurts so much, but as the lovely ladies say, one day at a time. Continue to be a good mum to your S's, and get out there. It doesn't matter what you do or volunteer, one thing leads to another.

Really, this is what you must do. Feel the fear and reach out to other people anyway.

[maleview70]

I think some men in the 40's and 50's become extremely disillusioned with their life. They think what has happened?where has my life gone, is this it? A report yesterday said the suicide rate in this country has increased dramatically in middle aged men. Business failures, redundancies, feeling of inadequacy. It doesn't take much for some men to have their heads turned by a younger model and to suddenly feel alive again, special and needed.

Some men embrace their family life and look forward to their retirement years with their wives and look forward to seeing their children flourish and help with grandchildren, whilst others fear this and see their ever dwindling youth slowly get taken away from them. The thought of having to look after kids again at that age to some is horrendous.

Your dh sounds like one of these. I feel for you as it won't really e anything you have done although he must have been unhappy with his lot to do this.

It will take time for this pain to go away but it will and a new chapter begins.

[LostandLonley]

Thanks for your post maleview, I understand DH was hating the thought of retirement and of growing old, DH is an over achiever at work, brings in lots of business,I can see that would be hard to give up but I struggle with the fact he was unhappy with his lot as we had an active life skiing, rugby matches, walking holidays and such, your comment about grandchilden is ringing true though, (no GC yet). The point about his younger model is, as his P.A. she got to see his salary,bonus and the lifestyle he led. There is already talk of them planning a ski holiday next year. In fact doing all the things he did with me. Excuse me for being cynical but I cant help but feel DH has been played in a big way, maybe it justs helps me to feel that. OW was certainly good at the flattery, judging by her texts referring to him as George Clooney, when he is more of an Alan Carr. (Do men really fall for this ego massaging). DH wasnt short of attention at home either. Was the violence his way of making sure he burnt his bridges do you think , or is part of his new younger macho image?

[onanotherday]

I wish I could offer advice, but I too have a STBXH who walked on the eve of his 40th, Im a few years older. denied OW of course and everything was all my fault. " kids and just me, no family. Ive driven my self mad trying to understand, engage him in 'talking'. But just, only just thinking that its a waste of time. But we are strong liovely women who deserve better, and I hope that there are still lovely men who can appriciate the finer models, not just the new ones! Fingers crossed for you!

[Strawhatpirate]

I don't really have much experience on matters like this but I'm sending you all my good wishes :( I think you should do something lovely that you've always dreamt of doing. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you have a wonderful future ahead of you and everyday (although they might hurt) will get a little bit easier x

[LostandLonley]

Long post sorry, So I was doing a little better, had ignored some of his texts, refused exDH offers of help in home and garden. (Is this just a ploy to show he is maintaing home on weekly basis?) I had returned to work after few months off, now that I can actually concentrate and had an evening or two out with friends. Life did not seem so bleak. Then xDH called round on pretext of collecting mail. I wouldnt let him in, given his previous DV, so he rang and the conversation escalated into a slanging match in which I was to blame, lots of hurtful things said. After which I emailed OW's DH simply asking him to contact me,(which he didnt) I did not give a reason in the email but from this OW's DH confronted her and guessed real reason why she was saying they had "PROBLEMS" and why she was wanting out their marriage. For a few seconds I felt empowered and was not letting these two bully me emotionally/financially anymore, so why now do I feel so undignified, why do I feel like I have let myself down, I am not the guilty party and OW was leaving her DH at some point. I have read posts for and against re "telling " and most say dont. Why do I beat myself up about this?
Cant cope today,feel like I am back where I started, Credit Card statement came this morning with transactions showing them " nesting up" meals out etc, just added to the pain!

[LostandLonley]

Should read "in which I was to blame for the affair"

[fizzfiend]

The real question here is not why men (and women) do this, but how to move on. I just wanted to tell you what has and hasn't worked for me, having been in a similar situation and now a single parent.

I hate self-help books, but read 'Why Men Love Bitches' by Sherry Argov. Guess I was looking for answers online and this book seemed to crop up a lot. It's not about being a bitch...but it completely changed my attitude. What a lot of mistakes we women make...it just told me how to be strong and in control without lots of annoying psycho-babble and jargon.

Don't expect to be alright overnight. It takes time. After two years I still get dark cloud days. The days when you just can't imagine ever being properly happy again and can't be bothered even to brush your teeth. I'm slowly figuring out what works for me and I think for most people:

read baggagereclaim.com....this was the start of my recovery from the pit of hell (Samaritans, Prozac, suicidal thoughts, etc). My the author is one amazing woman. Expect to think "does she know me?"

exercise...it just works...those endorphins make your skin tingle and give you a rosy glow

talk to a handful of close friends, rather than everyone. If you're always talking about your crap, you never get away from it.

Drop a load of cash at amazon buying brilliant DVDs...dramas, comedies. I was never a TV person, but this was the only way I could forget my crap for at least an hour.

Don't blame yourself...we women are so great at this. Read the bitch book which will make you realise that we must be strong, even if we don't have a job/husband/partner/money, etc. My attitude changed almost overnight reading this.

Accept that maybe you won't meet someone to be by your side. This is hard. But easier when I talk to married friends (most of them) whose husbands ignore them/have no respect for them/hit them/do what suits them. I would love to have someone, but right now I am just appreciative of my loving kids and incredible friends with sore ears and wet shoulders. The grass is not always greener.

Figure out what YOU want to do. I kept trying to do the things other people wanted me to do/what I thought I should do. That was so bloody stressful because I didn't want to do those things (get a certain job/move house/dating websites, etc) and I would beat myself up about it. It's my life...that was a revelation!

Invest in your friends and worthy causes. I helped friends move house/collect kids, etc and started helping out at school. Before I was too lazy...now I know what a wonderful feeling it is to help someone out, even in the smallest way.

Hope these help. I was a horrible mess at my lowest. I still can't see the future, but I keep trying to look for one. You will get there too.

[LostandLonley]

Dear Punkatheart, It's been a long time since I posted,(thank you for your lovely message), so you may not want to reply. I feel like I live my life on a rollercoster. One of my lovely sons came home for a month in October (both sons live and work abroad) together we sorted out house and home, waded through the paperwork, cooked fine meals. I returned to my part time post. When I dropped him off to the airport I cried all the way home but carried on but now I have hit a wall , I am not sure if it is because of the festive season-I had to leave a shop, I could not bear to look at Husband cards. I have lost all my energy, on anti depressants, off work once more. I used to walk the coastline 15-20 miles every weekend and now I struggle to walk the dogs for 10mins, I cant see the point of anything. I try to pretend to my sons all is well (fake it till I make it) when we skype as I know how they worry and they feel helpless so far away. I have been out with friends occasionally, the effort it takes to get ready is immence. Is this how it is? I have spent the last two days in bed. I dont want to be like this but when i am asleep I can stave off the crying that consumes me each day. When does it get better, will it get better? I hash conversations/events over and over what if etc etc. I took the good advise and joined a choir, even this seems to consist of couples and old abandonded women like me, heartbreaking! Sorry this is long but desperate to know if it gets better/when it gets easier.

[raskolnikov]

Hi Lost

Your situation is very similar to mine - my exH left after 17 years of marriage and 3DCs for a secretary at work 15 years younger. This was 5 years ago. They now have 2 babies. My teens see him most weekends but he is always cross and stressed (a workaholic) and we haven't had a conversation in over a year because of the passive aggressive stance he took and I got fed up of trying to smooth the waters.

I'm fine now, what did I do? I went to Zumba, running, the gym, joined several Meetup groups for walking, live gigs, horse-racing events, got a 2nd job in London and met people I'd never have met otherwise. I made new friends and got closer to my existing ones, I've had several wonderful holidays with my kids - unusual, adventurous things exH would never have done and started doing DIY. (Most of these I didn't keep up for long, incidentally, but having a go taught me a lot about myself.)

I did get depressed for weeks at a time but friends and family pulled me thru, I started online dating with very mixed results and I am now in a happy place. The first couple of Xmases were extremely difficult but I got thru them (its just a day after all). I would suggest you plan your Xmas - are your DSs coming here or can you go to them? Allow others to look after you too, you are allowed to lean on friends and family at this difficult time. Plan good things to do in the New Year and take each day a step at a time - its horrible and difficult and depressing at times, but you can get thru it.

PM me if you'd like to chat - hugs.

[Springhasarrived]

Hi Lost. Just want to add my support from a similar situation.

The part that really resonates with me is the abandonment of the "children". Never will I understand how the father of wonderful young people could just write them out of their lives. It really is heart breaking. As for Maleview's suggestion that it's because they dont want grandchildrenl, I am lost for words. You abandon your children in case you are asked to do a bit of babysitting, when and if your children ever have children of their own???

Lost, I do feel very positive about my future and I dont know why, other than to say I have one life. Live it to the full every day.

[ktef]

Oh lost. I am so sorry. I wish I knew you in real life, your post makes me want to hug you. Keep posting please? People here can support you. You can tell us exactly how bad you feel, you don't need to pull any punches, but just keep posting. You are not alone. Things will get better. Xxxxx

[LostandLonley]

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and support. I have had a bad few days, not getting out of bed, sleeping the day away to avoid the crying that seems to consume me. Christmas cards are arriving addressed to us both. One from his brother wishing us well and hoping to catch up (someone else I have to tell). A brochure for a trip we had planned next year. A letter to say the decree nisi will be pronounced on the 13th December. Feeling small and insignificant. Trying hard today to have a better day, thanks to you all.

[Springhasarrived]

Oh, Lost, my heart goes out to you. Glad you are trying hard. Well done.

Have you thought of trying counselling? I've been going since Ex left and it has been outstanding in helping me in many ways.

If you live anywhere near me I would be glad to meet you for a coffee . PM me if you want.

[Santasapunkatheart]

Just checking on LostandLonley...I hope that things are OK my love.

Sending hugs....to everyone in a similar situation.

Last year I was genuinely suicidal. I had planned everything and I was very close. This year I am stronger. Still angry. Still sad somehow. But people have shown me love and support. Mumsnet saved my life last year and I see more clearly now.

Some people are cowards and perfectly lovely women (and men) and left behind as if they do not matter. But they DO. They are the ones being strong for their children, holding things together, building a new life. It's hard but we have the moral high ground. We stayed! We are loyal! We are good mums (and dads).

Don't forget it, ladies and a high five to you all.

[LostandLonley]

Bless you Santasapunkatheart ,Spring and ktef,
Doing better, albeit a bit wobbly, have returned to work, tidied the garden , walked several miles with dogs at the weekend. Still crying - baby steps for me.
Silly I know, when I wake up, I look to his side of the bed in case this has all been a terrible nightmare. Then reality kicks in.
P@H very glad you are here in this world, your words help me enormously.
Planned a walk for Boxing day regardless of weather. Onwards and upwards is my new mantra.
May 2013 bring you all that you wish for.