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He wants to separate

(587 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

cremeeggboycotter Fri 18-Sep-15 20:48:40

Wow just read this from start to end- what a transformation! So pleased for you McBuckers wine

McBuckers Fri 18-Sep-15 19:15:55

Hi MagicalMrsMistoffelees

Thank you for your post.

in answer to your questions my ex hubby has the kids two weekends a month. Handovers used to be awkward but are now lovely. My ex comes in, has a coffee if he wants one and the children get ready to go and it's all smiles, and I love that! My boyfriend and my STBXH even manage to converse and have a pleasant conversation - it's brilliant! One time, over Christmas, we were all doing some Disney dancing game on the Wii and it was fantastic!

I met my boyfriend (soon to be fiancé) on Match. I had very few expectations when we met, he wasn't 'my type' I thought we'd have a few dates and go our separate ways but he is amazing! He does all my housework and ironing (even though he doesn't live with me), loves my kids, is amazing in bed (sorry if TMI) and looks after me in every way my husband never did and I never thought amazing men like him would still be out there. My boyfriend is AMAZING! (He looks like Iron Man too - how lucky am I!

My ex came to pick up the kids this evening, and we had a good laugh together and then he went. And for the sake of our children, this is how Handovers will always be.

TiredOfPeople Fri 18-Sep-15 16:20:16

That's wonderful, such a happy update yay you!! I always wonder how people manage to meet such wonderful men after their cheating bastard husbands leave them, it's like it's always meant to be smile

CakeUpWall Fri 18-Sep-15 15:16:31

What a lovely update.

Thank you for coming back and proving that even through the depths of despair, there can indeed be a bright light shining at the end of the tunnel.

Hopefully you have given a bit of strength to those who are still going through the unbearable stage. thanks

Fontella Fri 18-Sep-15 15:13:38

Yep, I read the whole thread from start to finish and it's made my day!

Well done you, and for everyone going through it now – this thread is an inspiration.


lotrben17 Fri 18-Sep-15 15:07:15

i've just read the thread and I'm really glad this is a happy update!

Wow - I've just read through this.
You did so well when it all fell apart and now you have the future you so richly deserve.
Really glad you updated.
It's really heart warming to read that.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Fri 18-Sep-15 11:55:39

Read your thread in full while up feeding my baby last night and was thrilled to see your update at the end.

It really gets my goat how these cheats not only lie so easily but, when they are found out, have the nerve to blame their spouse for everything from not supporting their long hours at work (even though that actually means lots of time in the pub), to not giving them enough attention and putting he children first, implying were 'driven' have an affair! They then go further by claiming their spouse is the unreasonable one when they refuse to be walked all over regarding contact with the children or meeting the other woman / man. Ugh.

Well done for getting through it. How did you meet your new partner? Does your ex still see the children?

janaus Fri 18-Sep-15 03:01:16

I don't have any advice, in a terrible situation myself, but my best wishes to you and your DC, you can do this

PerpendicularVincent Thu 17-Sep-15 23:04:36

Brilliant news x

McBuckers Thu 17-Sep-15 22:34:00

Thanks NickNacks! When he left I thought my life was over - little did I realise, it had only just begun!

NickNacks Thu 17-Sep-15 22:27:07

Wow that's amazing. So pleased for you! grin

McBuckers Thu 17-Sep-15 22:20:46

Wow - I love reading this again - this was me two and a half years ago. I can't believe how brilliant my life has become since my cheating husband left! I have now met THE most wonderful man who my children adore and he adores them too. My husbsnd and the OW unfortunately don't sound that happy (but that's not my problem) I look back at my posts now and can't believe how I tried to make excuses for his cheating.

Thank you to all those Mumsnetters that helped me back on the path to happiness.

McBuckers Sun 17-Feb-13 02:26:20

Am so miffed off. STBXH took the mistress for a stay in Barcelona for Valentines Day and what was I doing? Looking after three children who all had a vomiting bug. His parents are staying with me and the girls over half term and tomorrow they are spending the day with my STBXH and possibly the mistress too. I understand that they need to have a relationship with their son but it feels so weird. I love them to bits and I can't stand the thought of them spending the day with the woman who helped to break up our marriage and destroy my children's family.

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:54:07

Teeny - I think latest affair started the week after she started working in his office. I remembered him saying they had a new girl starting a couple of weeks before DD3 was born. And lo and behold on DD3's due date he told me he was going out for a few drinks with his boss when actually he was out with her. All was well when he was on paternity leave - he was saying how he wanted to spend more time with me and the kids. But 2 weeks after going back to work it all changed!

Seenenoughtoknow Fri 01-Feb-13 13:49:33

Haha! Leopards and spots and all that....she'll work it out in time... Really best of luck to you - your children would be proud of you if they were old enough to understand. Xx

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:18:17

seenenoughtoknow - I think she must already know he can't be trusted as when I found out about her I emailed her and the last one he slept with and told them together that they had something in common - shagging my husband!

It's all roses with them at the moment but give it time...!

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:13:44

Thanks frustrated it sometimes feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but we are getting there!

frustratedashell Fri 01-Feb-13 12:21:45

amazing thread! youve really got it together now OP. Well Done! Carry on being strong and not being too cooperative lol

Seenenoughtoknow Fri 01-Feb-13 11:41:12

Wow, have just read (most of) this thread and wow again! Well done OP - you must be so proud of how far you've come. Fabulous advice from the other posters too. Well done McB smile!

If you are ever near the other woman, don't forget to give her a bit of 'friendly' advice to keep a really good eye on her boyfriend as he really can't be trusted around other women - I'm sure she'll make his life a little more claustrophobic after that wink

CremeEggThief Fri 01-Feb-13 11:28:47

You can only be responsible for any debts in joint names, McB. So if your name isn't on the loans/cards, you're not liable.

God, I HATE your STBXH! He is one of the most unpleasant people I've read about. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again grin.

Mimishimi Fri 01-Feb-13 11:20:59

I think only if the account is in your name too. Why do you even check his texts on a weekend? I'd just not reply at all if it wasn't his agreed access time. Nor evn check them so that he'd go crazy wondering why you hadn't ( because usually there's a little tick or time stamp to let you know if and/or when the person you've texted has seen your message) . You're under ^no ^obligation to arrange Facebook times for him.

TeenyW123 Fri 01-Feb-13 11:19:30

Are you sure he's been WORKING long hours and have those trips away REALLY been to do with work?

Methinks this fornication has probably been going on a long time. Wake up, Honey! Sort you and the DCs out to YOUR satisfaction, and let him get on with it.


McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 11:03:22

Good point Mimi!

As his wife could his creditors come knocking on my door if he defaults?

He's now sending crappy texts because he was supposed to do FaceTime last night and decided (without warning) to go to ikea instead and not bother doing it. He's now demanding to FaceTime tonight and is throwing his toys out the pram because I've said that the kids and I have plans this evening so he'll have to do it tomorrow.

He really is a little ball of anger at the moment I'm surprised he hasn't spontaneously combusted yet!

I'm so grateful to my counsellor for giving me the strength to stand up for myself at last!

Mimishimi Fri 01-Feb-13 09:39:08

Don't tell him about the credit card statements ... Let him figure it out but just make sure that you are not linked to the account in any way or you might find yourself liable for any debts he racks up. Not opening them, or at very least steaming thm open if you can't help yourself, would be a good idea. If I were you, I would be very tempted to a) send all three kids over every second weekend and b) make yourself agreeable by not letting the weekend of the 15th bother you, he can have them the weekend before and after. I can still remember how haggard my then childless SIL was after two hours of looking after DD ( our first). Imagine what a whole weekend of 3 might do for OW wink.

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