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He wants to separate

(574 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

You OK McB? Did you manage to start getting stuff sorted?

You will be doing absolutely the right thing to kick him out,get that legal advice asap.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 12:43:15

Am trying to get my head around this all whilst he is out with the kids (it's the first time he's had all three of them by himself).

I have spoken to his parents who basically said that his idea for separation whilst still living together is basically a formalisation of how he has lived for the past 2 years - coming back when he likes, laundry, ironing, housework, child care etc. done. They agreed he was wanting to have his cake and eat it.

After the kids have gone to bed I am planning to tell him theat yes he's right it's best to separate and divorce but that if he can't afford to move out he will have to sleep in a separate room, I will no longer do his washing and ironing, I will not clean the room he sleeps in, I will only buy groceries for me and the children and he will have to return to the house 3 nights a week to put the children to bed. At weekends we will do a day each.

Bluegingham Sun 09-Sep-12 12:51:18

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

FUCK HIM OFF.

Bluegingham Sun 09-Sep-12 12:54:57

Your husband is a charmer. Who's to say he won't turn on the charm again and before you know it you'll be ironing his shorts so he looks nice for the other woman, and slipping you the odd pity-shag.

He can't afford to move out? He might of thought of that before he betrayed you and your children. Repeatedly.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 13:04:29

You're right bluegingham he is a charmer. I am going to be very calm about it but I need to show that I'm a doormat no longer.

if you're determined to let him be in the house then he needs to be responsible for the children 3 nights a week and one day and night at the weekend. what you with the time is up to you but do make a point of going out for at least some of the time to make clear it's your time and he is responsible.

but this has surely got to have a deadline on it - it is no way for you to live long term.

Bluegingham Sun 09-Sep-12 13:10:30

Letting him stay is tacit approval of his behaviour. He has to go. You have to get out, and stay out, of this relationship.

TwinkleReturns Sun 09-Sep-12 13:10:44

You need to take the attitude that you dont give a fuck whether he can afford to move out or not - hes bound to have friends sofas he can sleep on or manage a dingy bedsit somewhere - thats not your concern. Do not allow him the tiniest inch which is what you'll be doing if you let him sleep in the spare room! He needs to GO! Get tough OP - he needs to face the consequences of his own actions.

While he's out I suggest you pack all his things for him so he can see that you mean business. Make it clear he IS going, end of discussion.

ComradeJing Sun 09-Sep-12 13:39:13

Such good advice on this thread OP.

He is not your problem any more.

I agree it will send the wrong signals if you let him stay.

Pack his bags & make him go tonight.

Tell him to go to his parents.

Make sure you have copies of documents he may take though payslips, account details etc.

can you transfer some money out of the joint account into your own account? If you don't have one go to a cashpoint.

Not saying clear it out -no more than half.

He may clear the lot once he sees you mean business, so be one step ahead & get to a solicitor asap.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 13:48:03

I'm not going to pack his stuff up while he's out as the kids would be really upset.

Unfortunately we have no close friends where we live and his parents are the other side of the country, so unless he pays to stay somewhere, he has nowhere left to go.

clam Sun 09-Sep-12 13:49:45

So, did your marriage vows say something different from mine? "Forsaking all others, unless you get a bit ground down by pregnancy and childbirth, in which case I can go and fuck other women"
hmm

clam Sun 09-Sep-12 13:52:03

"nowhere else to go?"
And that's your problem....why? He should have thought of that before he started shagging around.

MrsTomHardy Sun 09-Sep-12 13:52:23

Be strong OP...stick to your guns

Whether he has somewhere to go or not is not your problem.

Kick him out, and tell him to go live with the OW.

I bet the reason he does not want to do that, is that he cannot be sure that she will do his laundry and cook and clean for him, as it is most likely a fairly new and exciting romance. But he knows that with you, he will have clean clothes and he will be fed. He can fart and make a poo without killing the romance....

He is counting on you not wanting to upset the children...

What a bastard.

Xales Sun 09-Sep-12 14:10:38

It will very much become OP's problem if he goes else where and just decides to stop paying the mortgage/bills/food.

Until she has everything sorted legally then it is his house and she cannot just kick him out deserving or not.

Do what you need to to secure yourself and your children.

Good luck

That is true, Xales.

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 09-Sep-12 14:21:07

Time to get strong OP. And if you can't get strong, time to put on an Oscar worthy performance of a strong woman!

He has to go. There is a no-brainer. Don't worry about where he goes, not your problem. So, he refuses to leave. You tell his parents this. You tell everyone this. You stop talking to him, sleeping with him, cooking for him, cleaning for him, washing for him..you just stop. He's history.

YOU DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOME! Sorry to shout, and I understand that you want to be near your family (could someone come and stay with you for a few days - if so, great, he'll hate it, and you'll have much needed support). That house is your home and crucially your kids home. YOU DON'T LEAVE IT.

Tomorrow you phone CAB, you get the names of recommended solicitors and you get an appointment.

You stop blaming yourself and you start blaming him. This is his to deal with. You have to deal with the fallout and your kids. He has behaved like a prize dickhead, so he needs to realise this, and so far, you have enabled him to treat you like shit because you've allowed him to blame you.

You will get over this, you will get happy again. You need RL support. OW may be relevant, he might end up with her - he might realise what he has to lose and suddenly she'll lose her appeal - it doesn't matter. He's lost you, because you are way to good for him. Start believing this, and you'll be fine.

Detach from him. Get a bloody good solicitor and get your life back.

Saffy x

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 09-Sep-12 14:23:06

Xales - I had this issue when I kicked Twunt out - SHL said if he stopped paying the bills, she'd get a court order to force him to. He stopped. So she got an Order. Sorted. Absolute due any day YIPPEEEE!!

Eglantyne Sun 09-Sep-12 14:25:32

I don't normally post on this kind of thread, but just to say OP, that I wish you luck, and be strong. Do what is ultimately best for you and the children. (and that he has got somewhere to go, he has an OW).

CakeBump Sun 09-Sep-12 14:29:17

Hang on, HE'S had an affair and YOU'RE apologising????

shock

He's got you right where he wants you, it seems to me...

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 14:48:43

I'm not saying that his affairs are my fault - far from it. He had a choice and on both occasions he made the wrong choice. But generally speaking (although some men might) most men in happy marriages don't have affairs. He was unhappy in our marriage and I acknowledge the part I played in making him unhappy.

I do wonder though what sort of woman thinks a married man with 3 kids who still lives with his wife is a good relationship prospect!

CremeEggThief Sun 09-Sep-12 14:56:06

OP, I really think he needs to go, as it will be hell for you if he stays. Well done for thinking up your back up plan if he refuses to leave, but honestly, the best thing for you is if you can get him out. You won't be able to think about what you want while he's coming and going and rubbing your nose in it.

I can't believe the nerve of him. And I thought my STBBXH was bad.

McB "sort of woman thinks a married man with 3 kids who still lives with his wife is a good relationship prospect! "

Chances are he has either
a) lied through his teeth about your relationship, even "forgotten" to mention you & his family or
b) made out that your relationship is over you are just sharing a house for the DC;s sake & he's trying to pick the "right time to leave"

Of course she could just be a slapper who doesn't give a shit a long as she has a man in her bed!

All power to your elbow - hope you get the info you need tomorrow to help you get him out.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 09-Sep-12 15:16:47

But generally speaking (although some men might) most men in happy marriages don't have affairs. He was unhappy in our marriage and I acknowledge the part I played in making him unhappy.

People who choose to cheat instead of resolving marital issues the normal way (i.e talking/counselling etc) have personal issues and flaws.

I wonder how long he has been unhappy in his marriage for - I wouldn't be surprised if this began just before he started shagging around, OW catches his eye, in order to create space emotionally to justify cheating, he starts criticising you, picking silly little arguments and so on and then.

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