Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
He wants to separate(587 Posts)
My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.
We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.
Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.
On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.
That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.
He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.
When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.
He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.
I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.
I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.
He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.
I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.
Well it's my last night in the family home. Feels strange being here now like its not really our home anymore.
Feeling a bit sad tonight, I know things will get better, but at the moment it feels like my family is broken.
You must be so sad, which is so very understandable. We are wishing the best for you, lots of us here anytime you need us. Things will be better soon, try to think of this a nice clean start!
Wishing you lots of love and happiness in your new home McB.
Things can only get better
Best of luck with your new start . I think it will be really good for you. Here's some and for your virtual housewarming.
Hope everything is going fab in your new home OP
Just a quick update...
We've been in our house for a couple of weeks now and everything is going so well. The new house is lovely. The children are really happy, DD1 has a new best friend (my God daughter) and they are always in each others houses playing and having sleepovers. She starts her new school on Tuesday and is really looking forward to it.
Both the older children have stopped asking when daddy is coming back so I think the new house is helping them to come to terms with the we situation.
My STBXH has started banging on about the children meeting the OW and although I'd prefer them not to spend time with the woman who encouraged their father to leave them and was shagging him in a cheap hotel for 5 hours when he was supposed to be visiting his children, I'm not going to stand in their way. I'm agreeing to everything he's asking for and not giving him and the OW the drama and common enemy they crave.
The OW has never had children, so I'd love to see her cope with baby vomit, a tantrumming two year old and a six year old who is prone to teenager like strops and attitude. Hopefully it will bring home to her that these are real little lives she's helped to mess up and that married men come with cases full of baggage...
That's great re the DCs settling in well - sounds like the change has been good for them.
Yes, OW and ex do need a bit of reality and you will need some time and space for yourself.
Just a quick update to say DD1 started her new school on Tuesday and she absolutely loves it. It's a very small school - there are less kids in the whole school than there were in her year group at her last school. It's so small and friendly and we drive through beautiful countryside each day to get there.
I also had my first counselling session this week so I'm finally feeling that things are on the up.
I think if he asked to come back now I'd tell him where to go. I feel happier than I have done for the last two years!
Thats amazing news. You sound so happy. I feel so proud!!! x
Thanks for updating, the cream always rises to the top xx
That's all brilliant news, I'm really glad for you. You must be so relieved that your children have settled in so quickly
Thanks for your messages we really are starting to live our lives again. After months of watching the kids go through hell wanting their daddy back, it's great to see them on the road to revovery. As I write this my eldest two are on my bedroom laughing their heads off. Three months ago I could never have imagined that happening.
Wonderful - looks like 2013 has got off to a brilliant start. Long may it continue!!
Excellent, well done you!
Amazing, you've done so well!!! You will continue to grow and develop and change all for the better and your kids are going to be so much better off More happy days to come no doubt! Whereas your ex won't be able to say the same. Justice is done!
have you been looking after this man all the time you have been with him? You have children to look after, how much support have you from him? what about your needs? A loving couple are available for each other. I am reading that you are taking the blame and excusing his immature behaviour. if he is not up to the job as husband and father he is no good for you, bringing you disapointment. if he is not capable to be the above loose him loose, or insist he goes to counselling with you. You so are worth of a good partner, and to be happy.
Am feeling so gutted.
The other day I looked at my bank account online and noticed that my STBXH had paid £100 less in child maintenance this month. I texted him (being very polite) to ask whether this was a permanent reduction or whether it was just for this month. He texted back saying "sorry I forgot to let you know, I'm so short of money it's all I can afford at the moment, I should be able to start paying the full amount in April".
Okay, not ideal but I didn't push it. Today his credit card statement came through - for some reason Royal Mail has included him in my redirection - and I find that he's spent £191 on flights. Easy jet helpfully put the date of the flights on the transaction details and the date is 14 Feb.
I feel so gutted that he could short change his kids for three months but is obviously taking the OW away for Valentines Day. I'm not sure whether to challenge him on it or not as challenging him would make him aware of the fact that his credit card statements are coming to me and also that I looked at it.
Am now trying to think of ways to force him to admit that he's going away that weekend. Any suggestions?
You could ask him why he is short of money and see if he admits it. But this man is not to be trusted to support your DC.
Is there any reason why you are not going through the CSA?
Don't tell him you have seen the statement. But keep it, and future ones, for CSA and possible future legal action to get your child support paid. "Forgot to tell you"
When he picked up the kids last night (at 10.15pm wtf) I asked him whether he could look after them on the weekend of the 15th February. After an awkward silence he said that he couldn't because he'd be in Barcelona!
I suggested that he thank the children for the lovely break they had bought him and the OW through the reduction in their maintenance.
What a wanker! Have been following this thread and you're doing so well! What did he say when you said that?
He claimed the whole thing cost £40! (Yes he always made the mistake of thinking I was stupid). I said I reckoned the flights alone would have cost nearly £200. Ten he realised that somehow I really did know the truth.
When he got back to his flat he rung me up and blasted at me for not providing a Moses basket for our 8mth old baby. I nearly laughed. Although he managed to spend £600 in ikea with OW (despite the fact that she already had furniture of her own) obviously beds and a cot were not on the shopping list. Good job his flat is a two minute walk from mothercare...
You are doing so well! You're becoming fabulous and he's becoming
Thanks soup! I feel that the children and I are becoming a stronger unit every day. And since moving home I have rekindled so many friendships with people my husband "didn't like" and I'm so grateful they are still for me despite the fact I never really saw them when I was married.
Through counselling I have realised that I minimised my husband's behaviour when in fact he was a controlling, abusive, arse.
My life gets better every day. I don't think his is but I really don't care about that any more.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.