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He wants to separate

(574 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

ShellyBobbs Tue 23-Oct-12 16:25:55

Sounds like she might not even be around on Christmas day and he's shitting himself?

CremeEggThief Tue 23-Oct-12 17:09:10

How bloody dare he! angry

McBuckers Tue 23-Oct-12 20:26:35

DD1 saw the "For Sale" board outside our house and went to pieces. I tried to explain it to her last night and she appeared to be okay with it - cried at first but then was quite excited about the thought of a new house where she doesn't have to share a room with DD2. But as soon as she saw the board tonight she cried and cried. I feel so bad for her. And her twunt of a father has no idea what she is going through at the moment.

McBuckers Tue 23-Oct-12 20:28:37

I really feel like spitting some vitriol on the "hollow laugh from the OW" thread. Am barely containing myself.

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 23-Oct-12 20:39:15

Forgive me is this "set pieces" Dad again, if so he is used to picking the choice bits of parenting isn't he. Drops a bomb on family life not once but twice yet tries to wheedle his way into sharing Christmas.

GeekLove Tue 23-Oct-12 21:46:33

Spit away my dear! It is what we are hear for. I remember earlier on in this thread and you are SO much more stronger now. What sort of things do you and DCs like to do but which he hates? Now is the time to do that!

McBuckers Thu 25-Oct-12 16:23:29

Well twunt is here picking up the kids.

He's showing them the PowerPoint presentation of the photos from their trip out on Sunday, but not before telling the children that mummy wouldn't let them watch it.

He's also trying to argue about the Christmas arrangements in front of the children!

Grrrrrr

CremeEggThief Thu 25-Oct-12 16:31:35

He has no right to undermine you like that, McB.

I know your DC are very young, but is there any way he can have contact without coming in?

Any news on the viewing/rental house btw?

Tell him if he continues complaining he can have them on Boxing Day instead because you have been given to understand you are actually being incredibly tolerant under the circumstances.

Is there a half way/mutual place he could get the kids so you don't have to see him or let him in?

McBuckers Thu 25-Oct-12 16:39:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiventhree Thu 25-Oct-12 22:21:10

McB, Im sorry he is still showing how vile he is. I think it may be worth saying to him that if he raises issues in front of them to wrongfoot you, or makes snidey comments, you wont meet him in the house but at the door, or even through a third party.

You do not have to take this type of treatment, and it would be a good boost to your self esteem, and good practice, to not let it happen in future. You might like to point out to him that this would inconvenience him more than being polite and reasonable would.

Who the hell does he think he is?

McBuckers Fri 26-Oct-12 01:12:40

He is vile. I tried to make myself scarce by sitting in the garden away from him but he just came and found me and started shouting in my face.

He's completely re-writing history now, he's now saying that he didn't go out with her on our baby's due date and didn't sleep with her until we'd separated when he's admitted doing both previously and I found the evidence to prove it.

He keeps calling her his "new" partner a point I always correct with "affair" partner.

He's so angry that I'm moving to my home town even though when he suggested they were both moving to the town where me and the kids are I told him me and the kids would move so we wouldn't have the issue of bumping into them when the kids are there.

I think he's basically angry that he can't control me any more. I always used to give in to him. Not any more.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 26-Oct-12 07:09:58

Yes you are right - he has lost control of you so he is angry now.

Because your DC are witnessing his nasty outbursts, you should do handovers at the door - have everything ready at the door. He should not be able to get inside or go in your garden. Or will a friend or neighbour be able to stay with you during handovers?

McBuckers Fri 26-Oct-12 07:23:36

His parents are down over half term and he wouldn't dare start anything in fron of them.

I'm to blame too because when he starts I don't walk away.

CremeEggThief Fri 26-Oct-12 11:01:31

No you're not to blame for any of this...

McBuckers Fri 16-Nov-12 18:54:11

Thank you everyone for your supportive messages. I've now found a house in my home town and will be moving into it before Christmas.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to come home and for us to be a family again but I think once we're in our new home I'll be able to move on and start a new life for me and my beautiful children.

Onwards and upwards I guess...

Doha Fri 16-Nov-12 19:41:34

Good luck McB...

New house, new start. Don't look back the best is yet to come

Keep posting and let us know how your getting on

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 03:30:12

Had a text argument with husband this evening. He phoned for the children - like he does every evening - and as sometimes happens, neither wanted to speak to him. I encouraged them to talk but they wouldn't, so from my POV I'd done my bit.

He then texted me to say that when the kids don't want to speak to him he wants me to give him a report of everything they've done that day.

I said no and that if he wanted to know what the kids were up to every day he should be here and if he doesn't want to be here he can find out what they've been up to when he visits them.

Am I being unreasonable?

DistanceCall Tue 20-Nov-12 04:22:23

Not in the least, McBuckers.

"he wants me to give him a report of everything they've done that day".

Who the fuck does he think he is? Your headmaster? Your line manager? You are a grownup, and you don't owe him anything. NOTHING AT ALL.

Perhaps he should start to wonder why his children won't talk to him.

FFS, what an utter git.

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 06:46:27

McB, involve your FIL at all parts of negotiations. My instinct is to keep his parents on your side (don't badmouth him to them), because his Dad will probably be the only one he will not want to cross.

And, you must get a solicitor.

Practise some broken record (you know, saying nothing but the same thing in reply to WHATEVER he says):

you fired me as your wife
you chose this
it is not up to me to manage your parenting
this is the freedom you chose

etc.

DO NOT ENGAGE. McB, he is not interested in you. How you think, what you feel, how you hurt, what you want. If you try and get him to hear you, do you know how many times you will fail? Every single time. 100% failure rate, don't set yourself up for hurt. (BTDT too many times).

Just like it takes two to make a marriage, it actually takes two to talk. He doesn't want to listen, and he wants to blame you. So do not engage at all. Do not let him into the house, meet him at Maccy D's or the park for handovers.

Always remembering: you chose this.

McBuckers Tue 20-Nov-12 07:52:51

Good advice Wobbly.

I feel like he's still trying to control things, and trying to paint himself as some sort of victim when I assert my boundaries.

He said that he'd like to see the kids more often but that he'd "been given his days". He sees them on Sundays and Thursday afternoons and the reason he can't see them more is because of his job, not because I'm preventing contact.

When I move drop off and pick ups will be done at the front door by a friend of mine who lives round the corner so I will no longer have to see him.

I don't want to be a bitch about things because I think there's still a part of me that would like him to come back so that we can be a family together again, but on the other hand I don't want to put his needs before my own, that's not my job any more.

McBuckers Tue 04-Dec-12 12:44:16

Well my STBXH moved into his shag pad with his OW Sunday. It feels a bit weird knowing they're shacked 5 mins down the road. He phoned DD1 up that night and in his jolliest voice "guess where daddy is? I'm in X [name of our town], isn't that great!" DD1 got quite tearful and he honestly had no idea why she would be upset knowing that he's just down the road with OW instead of in the family home.

He's coming to move the rest of his stuff out tonight. Am not looking forward to that.

Have thoughtfully included in his boxes all the anniversary cards he sent me saying how happy he was, how every year just got better etc etc. maybe that will jog his bloody memory!

Doha Tue 04-Dec-12 19:56:09

when are you planning your move McB?

I would be tempted to put in a bottle of wine in the box with a thank you card to the OW--thanks for setting me free, he is yours for keeps you have my undying gratitude and sympathy.smile

McBuckers Tue 04-Dec-12 23:23:10

We're moving on 20 December.

He was here tonight to see the kids. He didn't sign the contracts for the house sale, didn't move his stuff out and was vile.

He kicked me me on purpose and pretended he was merely standing up after crouching down at DD2's cot and then shouted that I was an unfit mother.

Am so angry with him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 04-Dec-12 23:29:22

He is a vile bastard

If you bruise from the kick, get it photographed and press charges. This jumped-up little fuckwit needs to feel some consequnces for his actions.

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