DH, single, or first love? (v long sorry)

[Piningoverlostlove]

I am a regular user but have NC as DH knows my usual NN.
I have 2 issues which although are separate issues seem to have become intertwined recently.
1st things with DH have been really shitty for the past 3 years mostly due to lies/drink/drugs etc and ultimatum after ultimatum hasn't helped. I've told him several times I want to split he won't have it he usually agrees wen I say it, then the next day he'll either pretend the conversation didn't happen or say he wants to work on it for kids sake.
This has basically resulted v recently in me shutting down completely emotionally. I do anything I can to avoid talking to him and it makes me feel sick when he tries to touch or kiss me. which in turn makes me feel bad because this is when he's trying to make an effort.
When I think back I realise that we have always been wrong for each other, conversation has never really flown easily for us, we have very different interests and opinions on most things and disagree constantly. We have basically lasted so long through a series of unfortunate circumstances and bad decisions. I started seeing him because he seemed much more mature and he was handsome and the list/infatuation did last or around 2 years at which point I fell pregnant so we got engaged then I miscarried, and we rushed through the wedding because I was desperate for the baby id lost. Then we had ds and dd. now (5 years since the wedding) we don't have a lot of money to distract us and we are now getting to know the real people underneath and I don't think we're right for each other.

2nd I have never lost touch with my first love, he wa my best friend who I could and have literally sat up all night talking crap to, this still happens occasionally and on the times we have seen each other in person the chemistry and electricity is amazing! We split because at the time I was in a rush to grow up and he wasn't so I split thinking we want different things. (see subsequent bad decisions above) I'm still in love with him v deeply and to this day he's my only real friend whom I can tell anything to without worrying he would breach my confidence or fear of being judged.

Thanks if you've got this far I don't really know what I want to come from this thread but I don't know what to do now. I'm stuck in a loveless marriage that just won't end and pining after someone who probably doesnt see me that way anymore.

[Lueji]

Three things:

1. if drink and drugs are involved, then leave the bastard. It shouldn't matter whether he agrees or not
   
   
2. you should not make leaving H conditional of getting together with your first love.
   
   
3. your first love could well become a disappointment as well. You could have been just as miserable.

[Piningoverlostlove]

Drugs wise it was only cannabis do not "hard" drugs as such but e has now stopped this. But when he stopped the drinking increased he has now said that he will tone that down, but tbh I think it's too little too late now, so he thinks IABU because he now wants to change 3 years later and I don't know if I can be arsed waiting to see if he means it this time.

I feel unsatisfied and a bit dead inside ATM and the only thing keeping me going is daily texts from ex.

He refuses to leave and I can't/won't either we have 2DC and I have nowhere to go, the way I see it it's a lot easier for him to stay with his parents or get a small flat than for me to get another house big enough for me and DC. I'm in a mortgaged house in negative equity so we can't sell and obviously as we're not renting we can't just go our separate ways.

ATM I'm just trying to get through each day but I just keep thinking that I'm only 26yo and surely there's more to life than this.

[Piningoverlostlove]

I don't really want back with ex as such but would like if my friendship with him didn't have to be so distant and secretive.

I think ATM in my ideal life I would be living alone with my DC, but maintain regular contact with ex.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think 'single' is your best bet for a while. Your marriage does sound like it was on pretty shaky foundations and should probably be given a decent burial for everyone's sake. Rather than keeping on hashing up the old problems of accommodation and so forth, I'd suggest talking to a solicitor about making it formal and taking the consequences on the chin all round. It'll be very tough given the money problems but you'll have to start somewhere.

As for the old flame, of course it's lovely to feel wanted and we all need friends, but it would be a mistake to think he's the answer to your prayers. Rushing into things has been your downfall in the past and if you use him as a way to deal with the stress of a separation or a divorce you risk ruining your friendship. I don't know how many years have passed since you split up for wanting to settle down too quickly but your ex may not find the idea of taking on you and two kids as appealing as you think. He may be enjoying the distance and secrecy aspect...

Settle your life, get to grips with independence, then see how you feel about partners in general. The good ones will wait for you.

[Offred]

Yes agree with cog (again)...

Single is your best bet. If you are meant to be with your ex then it can wait until you and the dcs have moved on properly. If you don't do this it will probably make that relationship go wrong and I think it probably seems better than it really is because your marriage is so crap.

You need to make a clear headed decision about h. It is fine to leave if he has left it too late but don't leap out of one relationship and straight into another.

[Piningoverlostlove]

We definitely can't afford to sell the house or probably divorce ATM for that matter, we're in quite a bit I debt so I think for now the only way forward would probably be to separate, for now with a view to divorce when finances aren't so bad.

Re: ex we split up 8 years ago we were both 18 at the time, and we have never ceased contact. For the first couple of years it was maybe one or 2 texts a month and a text to say happy birthday/Xmas etc, over the past 3 years contact has been much more regular with a few meet ups in person (when things were really really bad) on these meetings he was just a shoulder to cry on and a similar sense of humour to lift me a little. Ex also knows DH and sees him from time to time one time they met DH told ex about our problems and asked his advice etc.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not the old chestnut of "meeting" on FB after years etc.
I can't give him up as he's all I've got right now, the friends I did have drifted away after I had DC and the friends I have now are all wives of DHs friends who knew him before me so I don't feel comfortable confiding in them about it.

[dequoisagitil]

I think you need to use the ex as motivation to break from your current horrible bloke...

And then stay the hell away from the ex.

What you don't need is some shitty bloke. What you do need is to get your head together and learn who you are and what you want. Focus on your life and happiness, not about what makes someone else happy.

[Piningoverlostlove]

I completely agree about being single (and have been fantasising about it for months) I just can't seem to get DH to agree, every time a new issue comes up he'll either suggest counselling, or go down the defensive/offensive route eg the other night when discussing it, he said "I can't see why you would want to leave, no one else would want you as your now so fat/greedy/lazy and lumbered with DC"

[Offred]

Yes, it doesn't matter that it isn't a Facebook (know the thread you mean ) thing. I get that he had been here. If he matters to you don't mess it up by coming straight out of things with your H in order to be with him. You need to work on yourself and deal with the end of the marriage first. It will be so much harder if you don't.

[Offred]

Xpost

Surely there must be a way to get him out like locking him and his things out while he is out

[Piningoverlostlove]

I wouldn't do that anyway, I don't think circumstance would allow it, as he has said that he'd love DC of his own one day, and I know I'm definitely not having more kids (just an example) although I do realise that it's gonna hurt like hell when he does find someone to settle down with.

[Piningoverlostlove]

Isn't that illegal though?
I have thought of similar actions like that. But I don't want this to end bitterly because if it does he will drag DC into it. He has brought DS (3yo) into an argument before eg "look ds mummy is being nasty to daddy again"

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's not going to agree to separate which is why you'll probably have to make it official. Some solicitors offer a free half-hour consultation

[Offred]

Yes, technically but would he really go to the lengths of using the courts to gain access again?

I was half joking really but you need to do something to get him out. He can't hold you prisoner in the relationship forever can he?

Would you leave?

[dequoisagitil]

That is emotional abuse of children. You need to protect your kids.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I can't see why you would want to leave, no one else would want you as your now so fat/greedy/lazy and lumbered with DC"

And that's not bitter already?... Not dragging the DC into it? He's trying to bully you into sticking around and has no intention of leaving of his own accord. If you don't get the ball rolling with a solicitor you could always walk out and find somewhere for yourself. If you stay until the finances or the housing market picks up your confidence is going to be on the carpet...

[crackcrackcrak]

Your h sounds like a knob and the relationship is dead.
Sounds also like you have become quite isolated too.
Split - see the ex don't see the ex it's your choice but think about expanding your social life a bit too - might be justcthecthing

[Piningoverlostlove]

Tbh confidence is already on the carpet. I do have several friends from different "areas" work, dh's friends but only 2 (including the ex, that are deep enough to feel comfortable confiding in. I am currently going to every work night out and have joined pta and DS's nursery etc with the aim of expanding my social circle so I know that this is an issue.