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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A 3rd for me a 4th for him, some help please!!!

13 replies

ScarletBadgers · 07/09/2012 15:06

Hi everyone I'd really appreciate some help. Being a mum is what I love most and I really want a 3rd child. Due to lots of different factors neither of my previous pregnancies were happy experiences. What I'd love more than anything is to plan out and enjoy a 3rd pregnancy. I'd love another child and I know I am already blessed with 2 and a wonderful step daughter but I just don't feel quite complete yet. Dh has said no. A firm no. Not now not ever. Since then I feel sad ALL the time. I can't get my mind off babies. I suffered a miscarriage last October and don't think I've moved on. Dh was happy when we found out I was expecting and obviously devastated when it happened. I'm confused as to why he doesn't want another. Am I being selfish? I can't see either of us changing ourminds any time soon. I just want rid of this longing feeling. It's really starting to affect our marriage and I'm sick of feeling so sad all the time.

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CailinDana · 07/09/2012 15:15

You're in a very tough situation but unfortunately you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you're not going to have another baby. You simply can't push someone into having a child when they don't want one.

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ScarletBadgers · 07/09/2012 15:41

I know this and I never would. Someone at work said to stop taking the pill and I was horrified! I don't know how to move on. I get confused at how he can be happy when we found out I was pregnant and yet not want to try for another after a miscarriage.

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CailinDana · 07/09/2012 15:43

I know how consuming wanting a child can be. Would you consider counselling? Talking it through with someone impartial might help you to come to terms with it.

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ScarletBadgers · 07/09/2012 15:49

That might be an idea. I feel so selfish as I already have 3 lovely girls in my life. I love my hubby dearly and hate that this is such an issue. I've even been thinking that it might be a deal breaker. I'm only 25 and its hard to hear that I'll never have another child.

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WoodlandHills · 07/09/2012 15:52

I feel a little bit like you OP

Have 2 dcs, 6 and 3, DC1, the 6 YO was from a prev disastrous marriage and DC2, the 3 YO is with my now-DH

the pregnancy with my 6 YO was awful for many reasons, and he was unplanned. I split up with his dad when he was a few months old and met DH when DC1 was 18 months old.

the 3 YO was kind of planned, we were madly in love and the pregnancy was blissful, it was lovely having a baby with someone I really loved and who loved me back. The birth was amazing, she was a lovely baby and is a lovely little girl. And we both adore her. I really want DC3 and would love to go through another pregnancy and birth with my husband who i still adore like mad. But he is not as keen as me :( I think men think more about the practical aspect of it all, ie, money, space in the house, time factors etc whereas women often are more led by their hearts.

Anyway, I don't know if this will help but I just wanted to let you know that I understand the all - consuming urge for another DC. Its not clear in your OP - but are your other DCS with your DH?

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CailinDana · 07/09/2012 15:56

25 is very young to be ending your child bearing days, I agree.

Have you and your DH talked in depth about this? Could the miscarriage be putting him off - is he worrying that it might happen again?

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ScarletBadgers · 07/09/2012 16:09

Yes my 2 girls are with him. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. My opinion is always sod the practicalities! But yes he is prob thinking of time and money etc. He might be scared about another miscarriage. It was a tough time for all of us. I just can't see a future with no more children. We've talked at length about it and he just says no. It's because he just doesn't want any more. I think he is scared that I might still feel unfulfilled if we have another. Which I can understand. I've felt fairly empty since the miscarriage.Counselling might be the way to go before I'm one of those mad old women with loads of cats and dolls!!!

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s0fedup · 07/09/2012 16:19

hi, just wanted to let you know I could have written your post myself.
H wants no more, we have 2ds and he wants no more noise, mess, night wakngs(i do all the getting up so thats a bloody cheek!) and he says we cant afford it, we can.

It totally fills me with anger that he just gets to say NO and thats it, there is no compromise to be made...
So sad

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javotte · 07/09/2012 16:24

I feel the same OP. I am pregnant with DC3 and DH has made it very clear that it is our last child. I wanted a bigger family. It breaks my heart, but I know he won't change his mind and I want to be with him more than I want a 4th child.

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WoodlandHills · 07/09/2012 17:39

Oh OP I don't think he is being fair tbh :(

Before you sadly miscarried, if he was happy you were pregnant why is he so against it now?

You are so young. Your childbearing years shouldn't be over. How old is he? Could you maybe persuade him wait a few years, as you have years ahead for childbearing. Use the time to get some savings in place etc, and of course the younger DC will get less dependent on you as they get older so it will be easier having a baby in the house when their older siblings are that much older iyswim.

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WoodlandHills · 07/09/2012 17:41

BTW, you are soooooo lucky you have a good relationship with your step DD. I have a "step DD" too, she is 16 but I have never met her as she won't see her dad (my dh) anymore :( which also means she has never met her little half-sister. I'd give anything to have her in our lives. sorry, bit of a tangent there!

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Paralympia · 07/09/2012 17:42

I understand that regret that your first two pregnancies weren't happy, as my two children were born in a relationship that was abusive. However, now, although I realised I can never reclaim that time, I can never go back and 'get it right' I am looking forward to a relationship that is not about children!!

Even if you have a planned pregnancy in a happy relationship, your first two children will STILL have missed that. You CAN'T change the past but you can change the future as they say. A platitude I know but......... A child doesn't strengthen a relationship. It might tie you but it doesn't strengthen a relationship imo

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ScarletBadgers · 07/09/2012 17:54

Thanks everyone! I have a great relationship with my step daughter. She is almost 7 and been a part of my life since she was 15 months. We are very close and I love her the same as my other children and always tell ppl I have 3 kids. Saving some money and seeing where we are in a couple of years is a great idea. He could feel differently after all. I think he is looking forward to some me and him time as we've never really had any "us" time or that period where you get to date as we always had his daughter on his days off from work. I understand that and look forward to it too but I'd like my children tobe close together. We are fairly young (he is 31) and I just hate the thought of no more little ones. It's not something I can force and perhaps I might feel differently after counselling. After all I suppose I'm still probably deeply affected by my miscarriage. You are all very nice and helpful. I'm glad I joined and posted. Thanks :)