Advice about a friend visiting...

[OnlyMe1971]

Hi,

Just need some objective advice about this.
I have a friend from my schoolgirl days, we were very close in our teens and 20s but she used to put me down slyly and especially when I turned from an ugly duckling into well perhaps not quite a swan but after years of no male attention I started to dress nicely and gain some self confidence (had a very abusive upbringing) and for the first time when i was 21, a boy I liked liked me back. So this is when the real problems started iwth my friend. She would literally nab any boy/man I liked from under my nose. It became a little toxic and I found it all very hard to deal with. She had her issues and I had mine and she seemed to be consumed by jealousy and then I also started to feel threatened by her anytime I was in a relationship adn she played on this.

Roll on to our late 20s we grew up, grew apart I moved away and so did she and I found love in my mid 30s, had children and was happy (still am mostly). She became pregnant after a one night stand and had the baby and went through a very rough few years. I visited her once after her baby was born and it went okay. She went through a lot of turmoil at that time. She seems to be fine now though. I don't think i was there for her during that time as I was dealing with my own demons.

She visited me once when i was at the start of my current relationship and I felt so nervous of her being around I could not relax. I see her once/twice a year when a group of us meet up for a girly weekend away, or when I go back to my hometown, but we naturally grew apart after she had it out iwth me one day years ago, I just listened and I didnt'tell her what i thought of her behaviour over the years.

I thought I was over and that she couldn't hurt me anymore but just recently she has announced that she is going on a trip for work to the city where I live and she wants to stay. I was immediately stricken by panic. I was so stressed thinking about it... I didn't know what to say to her and I still don't.

Part of me says that I should give her a chance and let her in but another part of me wants to protect myself from her and from being hurt by her again. The thing is, she can hurt people but noone is EVER allowed to say anything to her, I have held back so much over the years and I am done with it.

I was thinking of suggesting that we meet up (somewhere neutral) for a drink/dinner but I know she'll be disappointed and will want to stay here.

What would you do?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You say 'no'. She'll just have to deal with the disappointment. This person isn't a friend, she's just someone you used to know. You owe her nothing so don't let her bully you into an invitation. Life is short so spend it with people that make you feel good and who like you for who you are.... not for what they can get out of you.

[ZiaMaria]

She's not your friend. Say no.

[oldraver]

I wouldn't want to meet up with her never mind host her in my own home. Life is too short to have people around you that stress you out and dont give anything to your life. Whether I would tell her what I felt depending on my mood.

For what reason did she 'have it out' with you ? I wouyld email her and say you would rather not host her/meet with her and say you were hurt by her previous behaviour

[PedanticPanda]

Does she actually want to stay with you to catch up and mend the relationship, or just to have somewhere free to kip?

[maudpringle]

I would leave her in your past.
She sounds awful hard work for a friend.

[LadyMud]

"Just say NO"

Not "Sorry, no" or "Sorry, not convenient" - simply NO. Don't give any false excuses or tell any lies - just NO.

But you might want to soften it by arranging to meet for a coffee/drink somewhere. Then you can judge whether to follow it up with a meal.

After all, it's a business trip, so her employer will presumably be paying the hotel bill. It's not costing her anything.

[OnlyMe1971]

Well her work will put her up so that's not an issue, but she said that she would like to "see you, catch up and maybe even stay and see your boys, what do you think?"

The thing is I still have to keep it civil as I do see her a few times a year as we are part of a bigger circle of friends, and I would be quite close to some of the others in the group.

DH immediately said "you HAVE to put her up" but he just doesn't get it... men eh?!!

[likeatonneofbricks]

if you've really mived on, then no need to try and please her, is it!? just say 'no' and if she dioesn't like just say 'sorry but it's not convenient for me and the family', or something like that. If she goes in a huff, so what - you can do without her - and she knows how she treated you in the past!

[21again]

No NO NO....

[sugarice]

She sounds nasty!. Say no, it's not convenient for you at the moment and who cares if she's disappointed, it's your house and your decision. Don't let her bully you , you've moved on in your life .

[likeatonneofbricks]

why are you worried that she is part of hte bigger circle? you real friends there would understand if you tell them you fell out bofore ot just that you dislike you, who cares what the rest of the circle think (they probably woudn't even be interested if she gossips about you).

[OnlyMe1971]

I wish I had the self confidence to be so decisive and single minded about it. Yes she is hard work but she can also be very nice, sweet and great fun. But you are absolutely right. I need to put boundaries around it and not give in.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

""see you, catch up and maybe even stay and see your boys, what do you think?"

You think you're "unavailable.... Never mind, have a good trip." Don't explain it any more than that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" was immediately stricken by panic. I was so stressed thinking about it... "

When an old friend gets in touch with me I am excited, happy, anticipating a good old chat and a few laughs over a bottle of plonk. Please trust your own reaction.... panic-stricken and stressed = not a good idea.

[SavoyCabbage]

I wouldn't see her. Who wants a big meanie for a friend.

If you do see her......don't put yourself down.

'so how's work?'
'great. I'm really enjoying it and it's really going well'

If you see her in the presence of your dh, make sure he knows he is on your side. Men sometimes don't notice all that sly bitchiness. He will need to be on full alert.

[brass]

meet her for a drink but it's not convenient to stay overnight .

You could also arrange someone to call during the evening so that if she is being hard work you can have an 'emergency' which urgently requires your attendance and leave.

[blueglue]

I do not understand why you would even consider letting her stay. She sounds horrible and is a negative influence on your life. Say no, it's not convenient. You can add any excuse you like if you feel you need to. I wouldn't meet up with her either when she's in town. Why would you meet up with someone who you feel so worried about that you have to meet on neutral ground?! (unless they were related to you and you had to keep family harmonious)

Don't be so nice OP. I used to be nice and I am tired of people taking the piss/using me and I won't tolerate it anymore. Now I am not so nice

[MrsTrellisOfSouthWales]

A breezy "Oh, we don't have the space to put you up! Things are hectic right now but I hope to be able to meet you for a quick drink on one of the evenings"

[chocolatemedals]

Sounds like she spent the early part of your friendship using you to make herself feel better about her self and when you didn't 'fit the profile' anymore she turned against you. She probably knows how she has behaved but might think you are too daft to have noticed. You're not. I would tell her you are too busy at present and will see her at the next catch up. Tough on her if she doesn't like it, she shouldn't treat her friends with contempt.