How to deal with a football obsessed DH?

[Cheekychops84]

my DH is totall obsessed with footy:( he will not only watch his own team but every single match which could be a Wednesday night 2 matches Saturday and 2 Sunday as we have sky sports which he pays for. This means we do nothing as a family such as cinema swimming park etc I do it alone which is tiring as we have 3 DD's youngest is 4 weeks. If football isn't on he is v good but during the season it's up to 4/5 matches a week. It's getting me down . I've spoken to him about it , raged about it, stayed out all day but nothing works he jus doesn't compromise :( .

Am I being damn right selfish? Or shall I grit my teeth and get on with it? I dnt want to say we split because of that stupid game of football as wen it's not on we are doing fine ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It doesn't matter really whether it's football, fishing, golf or scottish country dancing. If it's taking up a disproportionate amount of one partner's time to the extent that they are neglecting the family, they're being selfish. I'd keep raging if I were you.

[crestico]

well just think of it this way - it could be much worse - he could be down the pub drinking and wasting money at the same time (if he is actually at the pub at all), or spending upwards of £70 a match following a team -- by going to the matches. (plus the obligatory chips and pints and potential 'lads nights out')

i agree and completely understand that it's no good if you're feeling neglected -- so you really need to communicate this to him (preferably when Altrincham vs Brighton isn't on, jk).... but that being said - compared to some of the problems you read about on here it really isn't that bad.

Is there a way you can arrange things out of the house with him involved which he can't say no to? Or would he just ignore it and stay in by himself?

[MadBusLady]

You're not being selfish. He's currently prioritising a hobby over his family.

But maybe it's fixable if he organises his time better. Football's only on in the afternoons, isn't it? Could you do family outings in the mornings, or better still could he take the kids off your hands in the mornings and take them out himself, to give you a breather? He gets plenty of breathers, it sounds like.

[Lueji]

You two should agree on the maximum time dedicated to watching football.
Say, his team plus two games per weekend?
If he watches two on the same day, it should free up the other day for family activities.
Or at the very least to have one full day every other weekend.

He could always record some games, as I'm sure if he loves football that much he will just like to watch it for the sake of it, regardless of the result.
Otherwise, just go out with you and listen to it on the radio.

[Cheekychops84]

He doesn't go to the pub which he brings up and I agree I'm lucky there. No if it's any of his family need him line sisters etc he will go if it's mine uh uh no way hosay! He will literally stay indoors all by himself . Thing is raging gets me no where except us both being miserable. Im wondering if the ignoring route and going out all day may help.

[MadBusLady]

Oh, and if he says "But I like my morning lie-ins!", tell him he has to choose between lie-ins and football. He can't spend no time doing weekend things with his kids, it's not fair on anyone (and he'll regret it).

[Cheekychops84]

I just suggested radio he sed no I want to watch it I love my football :(

[Numberlock]

Football's only on in the afternoons, isn't it?

I suspect his 'addiction' also includes the pre-match build-up, post-match analysis, MOTD on Saturday and Saturday night and that other programme after it about the lower league teams, am I right OP?

[Cheekychops84]

He does do lie ins 11 am he is ready then foot starts at 12. I'm kidding myself aren't I I'm gonna end up splitting over this as all your suggestions I've tried he his gets angry and can't see why he can't do what he wants to do. Then he says that I go out all the time but I say cause ur sat in front if that all the time!

[Cheekychops84]

Not really if he had the chance he would watch the build up an bit after but I ask to change it which e will let me. But if sky aren't showing the match he will watch sports news all the time for updates :/

[Numberlock]

and can't see why he can't do what he wants to do

I'm struggling to see how you can move on from that!

[Numberlock]

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?

[Cheekychops84]

8 years , he wasn't like this to start with but since he has got sky sports last year it's become obsessive . Has anyone else this problem?

[MadBusLady]

He does do lie ins 11 am he is ready then foot starts at 12.

Ha, thought so. If he won't rearrange his time to accommodate HIS hobby around his family, then you are in a bit of a dead-end aren't you.

Let's not panic yet though.

It doesn't sound like your conversations with him are particularly calm. It sounds like there's a lot of tit-for-tat "Yeah but you did this... etc". Is that something you could work on, just having a calm conversation? Or do you feel you have you tried this, and he turns it into tit-for-tat?

[Cheekychops84]

I have tried this Yes I've tried ignoring, not talking to him, huffing and puffing, yelling, sitting upstairs all day watching my programmes, going out on my own (I do this all the time) , yelling , moaning, talking calmy, trying to compromise, think I should call it a day tbh and ask if we be civil and try living apart for a while and see if we are both happier that way?

[Cheekychops84]

Oh and he also tries to wind me up as he knows I hate it by laughing at it and shouting and clapping and singing etc then when I tut or say could u turn it down he gives me this look of utter anger and I think Oooooops

[MadBusLady]

That seems a bit drastic but you are clearly at the end of your tether and very upset by it. I guess you'd have to be prepared for him to say "Fine!" and flounce off and not come back. Would you be prepared for that?

Is there anybody else you could confide him who might be able to reason with him? His parents or brothers/sisters? You mentioned his sisters have kids, would they be sympathetic to you?

[Charbon]

A few things stand out in your posts you know.....

You say 'he pays for it' (Sky) and that you're 'lucky' that he doesn't spend his time down the pub.

This is family money so actually you're paying for it.

Comparing his bad behaviour with men who display even worse is always the wrong thing to do.

There's also a middle ground between talking about it, raging about it, ignoring it, sulking and retreating and hoping he'll get the message.

You start from the position of writing down what you want from the relationship and how you'd like your family life to be, as joint parents. Right now, it sounds like you run your family life on very traditional, gender-based lines where as long as the man is paying for his selfishness, it's acceptable and where you as the woman are expected to look after the children in the time this hobby (it could be anything) absorbs him.

Then communicate your dissatisfaction and unhappiness calmly. If he takes you seriously, he'll offer solutions and compromises. If he doesn't and reacts defensively and angrily, he doesn't take you seriously and suspects you'll put up with it indefinitely.

In order to be taken seriously in any situation in life, we have to have a bottom line that others believe. We have to be prepared to follow through in the consequences we give people fair warning about. So you need to decide if you are prepared to hold out for what you want - and whether you have the courage to walk if you don't get what you need from this relationship.

[MadBusLady]

Ooh, I x-posted with that latest post. He doesn't sound very nice, cheeky. He tries to wind you up, and then turns on you in a way that makes you afraid?? Urgh.

Is there more behind why you feel like you need to get away from him?

[Spuddybean]

Can you add up the time (say 10 hours per week) and explain that it is only fair you get that to do your thing without the children? Can you get up at 9 and just go out? plonk kids next to him in bed and say you'll be back at noon for your 3 hour shift?

Ask him if he genuinely thinks 10/12 hours a week of peak family time is fair and what kind of father he wants to be and be remembered as. Does he want to miss this precious time which he wont get back? What do your children think? Are they getting used to an 'absentee' father?

Perhaps if you calmly ask him these questions he may come to his own conclusions.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My friend has the same problem but her kids are a lot older than yours, she enjoys spending time with her girlfriends and her DH manages to combine his obsession with football with a good attitude to household stuff plus frequent nights out together as a couple. They're OK.

I don't think 'at least he doesn't go to the pub' is an argument, by the way. It's like an alcoholic saying 'at least I don't do drugs'. He's behaving selfishly and antisocially. Doesn't matter that it's football.

[Cheekychops84]

He is v traditional in his ways, thing is wen footie isn't on he is hands on with them, can't really leave 4 week old as I'm bfeeding at the mo. I will have a talk but he gets all defensive and will prob say f u I'm going then he is not v understanding in growing to hate him I really didn't see myself on my own with 3 kids :(

[Spuddybean]

Agree with the others, i hate the 'race to the bottom' argument. My dad is an aggressive person who spends a lot of time and money in the pub but it is always justified with 'at least he isn't a gambler'. He has a friend who is the same and his wife says 'at least he doesn't hit me' . Very depressing.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'V traditional'.... you mean a chauvinist pig?

[Cheekychops84]

Plus dnt wanna leave the kids not fair on them to b stuck in cause he watching that crap