Yellow roses make DH cry..

[Less]

We haven't seen DH's parents in 8 years, long story, but they made life very difficult and eventually despite 12 years of me trying very hard to make sure they kept in touch, DH decided his life would be better without them (which is hard to argue with, but sad for me coming from a family where this type of situation is inconceivable)

Anyway, DH's childhood memories are happy and his upbringing v similar to mine until he was about 12, when his mother became estranged from her father. As a result DH didn't see his grandfather for the last 12 years of his life (he died c. 12 years ago) and was told by his parents that he didn't love them anymore and didn't want to see them (his grandchildren). When he died we went with DH's family to empty the house (they still inherited!) and it was absolutely full of photos of these grandchildren he apparently didn't love.

DH didn't seem that affected by it at the time, (would have been late 20s) but recently he's told me that he has a recurring dream of his own retirement where he spends his days tending his grandad's old garden (where he spent a lot of his early childhood) and the yellow roses he had. He really cried over it, which is v unusual for DH. He was most upset that he'd had this belief that GD didn't love him, when the house suggested that he did, i.e. very angry with parents.

This was all such a long time ago and it's heart breaking to think he's been suffering all this time. What can I do to help him?

I also worry that my DC are in the same position, although we haven't told them that grandparents don't want to see them, they don't have any contact. Also what will happen to DH emotionally when his parents inevitably die?

FWIW I suspect both his parents suffer with depression, but they would never seek any help.

[GoldenGeek]

Oh your poor DH!

It sounds like he is mourning the lost relationship he could have had with his Grandfather. He will be having lots of thoughts of his own feelings & also what his Grandfather went through.
Be gentle with him, listen and if you suspect he needs more maybe suggest some counselling?

As for your own children, my GF cut me out of his life for not being true family (adopted). I didn't suffer any the worse for it. My other GF died before I was born, my GM when I was 3 so I've never had really, and I've been fine.

[TheSilverPussycat]

I am sure people will be along to suggest counselling, which may be a good idea.

It is sad that your DH's parents lied about the GPs, but lovely in a way that DH found out they did love him. Of course he feels robbed as well. My suggestion is for DH to plant a yellow rose bush in your garden. Symbols are powerful, especially ones that need tending.

[springydaffs]

oh that is so sad - but tbh it is typical of the type of thing people see a therapist to work through. Your DH sounds very 'healthy' emotionally in that he has expressed his grief and feelings of loss, guilt, heartache. He is grieving and that needs some delicate handling, best left to the professionals. You could read up about grief and complex bereavement. He won't be the only one - grief is such a biggie even when the situation is straightforward. If he has a recurring dream about it then his subconscious is sending an alert signal for him to get it addressed. bless him. perhaps while he's there (seeing a therapist) he/you both can work through your feelings around his parents and how to handle things with your kids etc.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This is one of those reasons why severing contact with difficult people is often not the best solution. DH sounds like he needs to express his anger to his parents directly in order for the upset of the dream to be resolved and, for that, he needs to restore contact. He can't apologise or reconcile with his late grandfather, obviously. Late 20s he clearly was affected by discovering the lie but didn't tackle his parents for whatever reason at the time. Now he's older, has children and there's that whole thing that hits you in mid-life which is tied up in mortality, regrets and the consciousness that you're the same age as when X, Y or Z happened. Cutting contact just leaves all the questions hanging unanswered, unfinished, and it's not his parents that are hurting or having nightmares, is it?

[springydaffs]

my ex had a stupid amount of photos of our kids around his house. but my ex was an abuser - who also had full contact with the children btw - who lugged around a sad sack of stories about what an evil woman I was to have left him. I left him because he was an abuser.

so things may not be straightforward on that count. his parents could have had a very good reason to cut contact. by the same token, he could have a very good reason to cut contact with his parents. therapy, sharpish - both of you if that would help him.

[zebrazoo]

i think golden geek is right, he is mourning the lost relationship and love, and experiencing the overwhelming feelings of a child (since he was a child before it all went wrong). The flowers and the dream make it all the more poignant and real for him. I lost my grandmother in a similar way as a result of my own Dad and still weep sometimes 20 years later, I have to catch my breath when I smell her perfume in the street.

[CailinDana]

Photos are not proof of love.

Having cut contact with his own parents, your DH should be aware that there are often legitimate reasons why an adult and their parents don't talk, and consequently why the grandparent/grandchild relationship breaks down.

That said, it sounds like he is grieving and that is normal. He needs to work through that and you can help by talking to him about it.

[CleopatrasAsp]

Photographs are just photographs, they aren't an indication of how much someone loved or did not love someone else. If your DH had really wanted a relationship with him would he not have contacted them? if he was in his late twenties when his grandfather died there had been a long time since he became an adult to make some contact. I'm not criticising your DH by the way, just trying to make the point that sometimes it is easy to be sentimental from a distance.