Heartbreak

[rainbowdiva]

When I decided to divorce my husband after 13 years, I suffered true heartbreak. Three years on and I have ended another relatively short relationship (18 months)
Im going through similar emotions. Do you have to suffer heartbreak and "grieve" for every ended relationship to fully move on? Does it get less or do you become better able to cope with the range of emotions and ups and downs? Im 36, I don't want to keep going through heartbreak... :-( I dont want to come across as feeling sorry for myself, but i feel really hurt. Any advice?

[SoleSource]

My break up was four years ago and still not over what he did to us. I am trying to change my life but get stuck. Since having tnerapy I am giving other ecperiences with people a chance and find I do feel and react differently. I too scared and too soon to give love a chance again for me. I am still feeli.g that most men are just hurtful, game playing cold hearted pigs. I am 38.

[rainbowdiva]

Hi solesource, sorry to hear you're feeling stuck. I know that feeling too unfortunately. I generally dont think that most men are game playing etc, i guess there may be a bit of that in everyone?
I generally cannot be bothered, i am turning to food and have put on weight unfortunately, but i need to get a handle on it before it gets out of control. I am fe up and know i need to make an effort to get back to gym, go out etc, i just have no desire. The relationship was bad for me, but i still miss him..

[SoleSource]

I need a guy to prove me wrong. I unwittingly pick bad boy types :(

I cannot be botheted with drama or people taking what I have said the wrong way all the time etc..

[laleila]

Hi can I join please? sorry you are all feeling so low, I know what you are feeling. The guy I'm seeing at the moment is so hot and cold, sometimes doesn't reply back to phone calls/texts for days on end, then acts like nothings up.

I don't think he is actively 'game-playing' but its mind-fuckwittery and my self-esteem has dropped massively. In fact its disappeared. But if I was to act the same, not text back etc, I would get called a mind-screw. Double standards and bloomin' hard work! I'm 37 and honestly feel like its all over for me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think what happens, over time, is that you learn to retain more of an emotional distance. Early loves are always heart-on-sleeve stuff with great highs matched by great lows and I think it's natural, as you get older and wiser, to make yourself less vulnerable by keeping a little bit back, being less tolerant and not being so naive and trusting. It would be an extreme, not to say sad, response to simply give up on relationships all together.

[rainbowdiva]

Hi thanks for your replies.
I am feeling a little better today, although not sure how long it will last! My confidence is very low.
He was so needy and analysed everything, me not replying to a text etc when i was genuinely busy with my young son, at work or at the gym. I felt expected to answer straight away, like i was on call 24/7. I have a 4 year old for that!
laleila, at 37 is it worth it, you have to ask yourself? I knew it wasnt but didnt want to give up. I think i was craving company, which can be sought elsewhere, although it isnt always easy is it?
At 36 I am feeling it is all over for me too :-( will i have a chance to have another child now?
CES, you are completely right, I was in that place of being less tolerant, keeping myself back etc but i went along with it, perhaps i have to ask myself why? when he was controlling etc. was it the attention he gave me?
I am not a drama person either. Just wondering where do i go from here?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

After 18 months it's easy to relax and let your guard down. Where to go next? Don't beat yourself up about it & enjoy your independence

[OliveandJim]

DP and I had both very long breaks in our 30s from relationships or even dating, flirting etc... DP for 7 years and I for 5 years. it really cleared the air, our heads and when we found each other we knew exactyy what we wanted to give and to get from being with someone else. I'd recommned break. We're in our 40s now and have a young son.

[rainbowdiva]

OliveandJim
that is exactly what i am going to do. I am pleased that has worked for you and your DP, you were both at the right point in your minds and life. My ex-boyfriend was supposed to be a bit of fun really, i made it clear i could only take things slowly but he didnt listen to that, i felt forced almost to do things i didnt really want to do. I felt i couldnt say no for some reason. My ex-husband was not that way at all, they are completely different personalities. I am going to have a break completely now and come to terms with things. But is still hurts and i miss him. It is the closest i have felt to being a family. I really dont want to get depressed in the true sense, I have had moments when i have burst in tears, hopefully it will pass

[GentleLentilWeaver]

I am also planning a complete break from dating/flirting/sex, etc. I can't wait TBH because I think it's exactly what I need to do. We could start a thread for those wanting to do this sometimes, perhaps. There were a few recently about people choosing to stay single and feeling very positive about it but I don't know how to find them as I can't remember what they were called.

Heartbreak is a pisser and it is similar each time, of course you will be different each time though and will cope differently as you get older and wiser. Really time is the only thing that helps a bit, that and not moping but getting out there being social and doing things you enjoy. I things ease for you soon. :) I am getting over heartbreak also and it gets a bit easier each day (with the odd relapse). Hang in there.

[rainbowdiva]

GLW, are you in a relationship now of sorts or have you just decided in your own mind? yeah time is a healer, it just doesn't help right now. I dont really know what i enjoy. I am in a position where i could start a new career, i really want to have a circle of friends. I do at work, just not really out of work, just one person to go out with. I want to lose a stone and get fitter and i have made that start today :-) Im hanging in there, but just feel the physical pain. A thread to deal with this would be useful i think

[rainbowdiva]

Feeling a bit of a mess today. Any tips for coping when you just feel like you are going to burst into tears? is this anxiety?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's straightforward sorrow. When you've pinned your hopes on something and it doesn't work out the way you planned, it's upsetting. Best solution is to look after yourself, keep busy, treat every day as a fresh start, spend time doing things that make you feel better or useful.... and don't give your brain too much down-time to wallow in sad thoughts.

[rainbowdiva]

yes, i think i need to go back to basics. My ds started school today, so i am emotional anyway. Is no contact really the best way to go?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely. 'Out of sight, out of mind'. It's the wallowing that's the destructive element, not the pain itself.

[SoleSource]

I blame my wallowing on not javing a child that can see or sprak, I miss hos company. Rock and hard place.....ffs