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Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

(350 Posts)
Alicetravellingviawonderland Mon 03-Sep-12 16:59:54

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

AnyFucker Fri 07-Sep-12 21:01:29

that is very sad, offred

you can reject those views though, we all can

they are not the sum of our parts

there is such a thing as free will and respect for yourself

if I had internalised all the messages I got from my upbringing, I would be one sad and sorry individual right now

when you demand respect from yourself, you command respect from others

innit

grin

Offred Fri 07-Sep-12 21:13:46

It is. It is why I am comfortable with hating porn now! I always did but felt I was wrong and abnormal as a teen to feel that way. Did my time as "cool girlfriend"... Not ever again!

AnyFucker Fri 07-Sep-12 21:19:58

glad to hear it smile

sonofmine007 Fri 07-Sep-12 21:26:10

Porn. What kind of porn? Judging by your reaction I would assume it was the worst kind involving children and/or animals I'm just going to be frank here. Or was he watching adults having sex including oral, anal etc? As someone said, I really think you need to take a couple of deep breaths and get a grip. I actually feel sorry for your husband in that the guilt he's feeling has reduced him to being physically sick! You both need to sit down and talk about this openly and clearly because to be honest anything else will just be pushing it under a carpet and he's going to find other ways to satisfy his need (which by the way has nothing to do with your sex life/you not being sexually fulfilling.

Your ego is bruised because you didn't know it was happening and you're shocked because of the length of time it was going on. Two separate issues so you may need to deal with yourself first before you can come together with your husband and talk about this.

He should be able to tell you why he likes it and you need to be able to listen with out butting in, looking shocked, disgusted or any other way that will make him clam up because believe it or not there's a deeper issue here and this "discovery" may just be what you both need to get to the heart to it and make your relationship stronger.

He didn't go out and sleep with anyone or have an affair. Keep things in perspective, that's key to communicating through this.

Consider this, watching "blue movies" as they used to be called can actually spice up your sex life, I mean couples having sex etc, your man might actually prefer this and again bring a whole new dimension to your sex life but it will be what you both want and can openly discuss including the stuff that you're not keen on.

Here's to better undertanding and a stronger relationship.

Alurkatsoftplay Fri 07-Sep-12 21:30:28

Absolutely, son of mine, When will women realise that men are visual creatures - they have to watch women being fucked up the arse regularly, otherwise they will die - your relationship would really suffer then, wouldn't it?!

Houseofplain Fri 07-Sep-12 21:31:55

They won't die...they'll just go elsewhere. You've been warned. Wimmin know your place.

Offred Fri 07-Sep-12 21:33:08

Yeah here's to being wanked all over and having your arsehole ripped open...smile

Spuddybean Fri 07-Sep-12 21:58:29

I found out that it's a bit like females and shopping

For some reason this is really making me laugh. In fact the whole post was very funny. <i am sleep deprived however> The word females in particular. I love being referred to as that, it feels so scientific.

PretzelTime Fri 07-Sep-12 22:14:18

I found out that it's a bit like females and shopping
I found out that it's a bit like females and shopping
I found out that it's a bit like females and shopping

Yeah that was good one. I'm rofling here.

Offred Fri 07-Sep-12 22:34:38

I think my favourite was the one about finding ethically produced porn... Oxymoron...

Offred Fri 07-Sep-12 22:37:20

Fair trade organic outdoor reared porn, low air miles and transported by cycle grin

Fairenuff Fri 07-Sep-12 22:37:25

It was the 'pop some sexy knickers on' that got me grin

I started a reply a few times but, well, what can you say really?

leguminous Fri 07-Sep-12 23:24:48

"I think my favourite was the one about finding ethically produced porn... Oxymoron... "

Oh, for fuck's sake. Yes, clearly it is impossible for anyone, ever, to get in front of a camera and cheerfully perform consensual sex acts for other people to view, without being coerced or abused. No, it's not to be found in the vast bulk of what's out there online. Doesn't mean it doesn't fucking exist. But go ahead, split your sides, I'm such a poor deluded fool, yes?

Fairenuff Fri 07-Sep-12 23:36:49

When we talk about the widespread abuse of women in porn, why is it a 'political issue'?

If people talk about child abuse or even abuse of animals, no-one says that is a 'political issue'.

Just the abuse of women hmm

I don't get that sad

hellymelly Fri 07-Sep-12 23:39:47

Haven't read the whole thread- am off to bed- but like hully am rather appalled at how many women think porn use is fine and that the op has wildly over-reacted. Personally I could not stay in a marriage with someone who continued to wank over brutalised and exploited young women. I don't think its "healthy" and "well adjusted", I think it is vile. I have two dds, can't imagine ever feeling happy that some bloke would get off on watching them have sex, and if I wouldn't want my daughters in images or films like that then why would I think its ok for someone else's dd?
OP, I understand that this is a big shock, I will read the whole thread tomorrow and comment properly.

marykat2004 Sat 08-Sep-12 00:00:20

When I was growing up most of my friends' dads seemed to have porn mags under their beds. If the kids knew about it I would think the wives must have known. We just thought it was funny. But the "porn" was tamer then. There was also porn channel on the cable TV box. Kids couldn't access it, but we knew it existed and what it was. I'm not saying porn is right, I'm just saying porn was there long before the internet. It's something a lot of men look at.

The biggest non-issue Relationships has ever encountered. <gavel>

Offred Sat 08-Sep-12 06:57:03

Leguminous - when sex acts are performed for money it rather erodes the concepts of consent and free choice yes...

Alurkatsoftplay Sat 08-Sep-12 08:31:55

I don't think it's a non issue, clairefromwork. The op was clearly very shocked as I would be.

You can see the effects of porn all over this board, from guys who can't be arsed to have sex with their wives but are watching porn all night, to the guys who progress from porn to chat lines and affairs, to the guys who are expecting their partners to be hairless and constantly up for it.

Try telling these women it's a non issue. It's a New issue and it does need a response.

When my daughter comes to me and says, "my dp expects me to do this and that because hes watched porn all his life and that's what he expects women do" what am I going to say to her?
"oh suck it up darling, men have needs..."

thebeesnees79 Mon 10-Sep-12 14:05:20

well said alurka! I guess we are supposed to just put up with it because hey men are visual creatures!
All I can say is that stuff on porn is not what goes on in rl as long as a partner respects that.

waterlego Mon 10-Sep-12 14:36:58

Eeek. It's unfortunate that someone cited Jenna Jameson as being an 'empowered' porn star. Extract from an online article about her:

'Since her dad was always working, her and her older brother were unsupervised most of the time - allowing them to become promiscuous with drugs and sex. While a young teen, she lost her virginity to a boy while passed out drunk at a party. She was later gang-raped by several boys from another high school when her family had moved to Montana. That experience was one in which Jameson was convinced she was not meant to survive.'

Not exactly conventional teenage years. Can you see how Jameson might have a not-entirely-healthy self-esteem and attitude to sex?

I actually didn't realise until a few years ago how sordid the porn industry is. I learnt a lot from MN and other articles on the subject. I had watched it from time to time but had never felt quite right about it and wasn't sure why, until I read up on it. I would never watch it now. I have also educated my OH on the subject and I don't believe he watches it any more. Our having a daughter has probably helped changed his view too. If he did still watch it, I'd be disappointed because he knows my ethical objections. I wouldn't leave him over it though.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Sep-12 14:45:16

WL, your experience and attitude to porn echoes my own.

h3rbm Sat 19-Jan-13 22:33:08

The reason men turn to porn is that they are not getting enough sex. I propose the following solutions:

1. Abolish the internet.
2. Abolish computers.
3. Abolish television.
4. Lifetime imprisonment for supplying girly mags.
5. Castrate all men after producing offspring or before age 16, whichever is the sooner.
In the meantime just have sex with the hubby.

minnieroll Sat 19-Jan-13 23:40:29

NEWS JUST IN - WOMEN WATCH PORN TOO! shock This thread reads like Mary Whitehouse's secret journal.

OP - If it's the fact he's not sharing this element of his life with you - GET INVOLVED!!!

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:45:51

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