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Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

(350 Posts)
Alicetravellingviawonderland Mon 03-Sep-12 16:59:54

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

pictish Mon 03-Sep-12 17:02:25

I think you're totally overreacting. Looking at porn isn't some big secret! You make it sound like he had an 8 yr affair or has a secret child!!

I'm not saying you are supposed to be delighted about the porn or anything...but I do think you need to get some persp[ective and see this for the small fry it is.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 03-Sep-12 17:04:13

On-line porn is addictive sad. The only way to cure an addiction is to go "cold turkey".

I'm so sorry but your either gonna have to get rid of your broadband or your dh. I am 99 percent sure that while you have internet access in the house he wil access pornographic websites. Usually when your in bed.

Alicetravellingviawonderland Mon 03-Sep-12 17:04:24

It was a big secret that he chose not to tell me for 8 years thanks - that's pretty big in my book

Alicetravellingviawonderland Mon 03-Sep-12 17:06:32

Hmmm, feel getting rid or banning things isn't really dealing with the issue though but I appreciate your thinking

elastamum Mon 03-Sep-12 17:06:48

I am surprised you are so shocked TBH. Whilst I am not a big fan of porn I have a houseful of men here and I would be more surprised if they had never looked at it hmm

WipsGlitter Mon 03-Sep-12 17:07:07

Well he probably knew this was how you would react. I've no idea how common it is, fairly though I would say.

AllOverIt Mon 03-Sep-12 17:07:16

I understand how you feel OP, I'd be a bit gutted too. Be prepare for others to come on here and tell you you're completely overreacting and that it's 'nothing' sad

pictish Mon 03-Sep-12 17:07:48

My dh occasionally looks at porn, but he's not addicted.

I can't find it in me to care about it, as it's not problematic for me and doesn't affect our relationship. He's discreet, and I'm disinterested in what he's doing anyway.

There is nothing in the OP to suggest this guy has a problem! The problem lies with the gravity his wife is giving it. Imho. Sorry OP.

Helltotheno Mon 03-Sep-12 17:08:10

Looking at porn isn't some big secret!

Well it was in the case of the OP's DH hmm

No suggestions OP, except that if it was what he calls 'normal' porn, why would he have kept it a secret? Can you get the PC and find out what type of porn it was? I wouldn't necessarily believe anything he tells you.

Tiago Mon 03-Sep-12 17:08:20

Was it actually a secret or just something he didn't bother to mention? Did he look at it all the time or just sometimes?

elastamum Mon 03-Sep-12 17:08:26

Just because he might look at porn occasionally doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Apart from your recent shock, how is your relationship?

Aboutlastnight Mon 03-Sep-12 17:08:50

I'm no fan of porn but to talk of throwing out someone you love over it, is a very strong reaction.

You obviously need to talk about what the dealbreakers are in your relationship, and it's for you both to work this one out. But try to keep some perspective - no one is perfect, good people do silly things and it's not like he's gambled away your house, had an affair or been charged with the crime of the century.

Aboutlastnight Mon 03-Sep-12 17:10:02

"On-line porn is addictive"

really?

Shakirasma Mon 03-Sep-12 17:11:13

I'm sorry OP but I think you really need to get a grip.

Your reaction says a lot more about you and your insecurities than it does about your DH.

It's not unreasonable to not be pleased about it but you really need to get some perspective before you and DH can have a sensible discussion about boudaries etc.

pictish Mon 03-Sep-12 17:11:17

"I'm so sorry but your either gonna have to get rid of your broadband or your dh."

Is it ok to chuckle a little?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Sep-12 17:11:32

Some perspective.... a lot of very healthy, well-adjusted men & women look at porn in private the way a some people read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' in private. It doesn't necessarily mean an unsatisfactory sex-life, lack of love, infidelity or that there is an addiction. Masturbation isn't abnormal. If it upsets you this badly, he should stop looking at it certainly but I don't think counselling is necessary.

Tiago Mon 03-Sep-12 17:12:06

And why would you want to throw him out? Seriously? You say he is a good father, you have a good sex life, etc etc. Yet you want to chuck him out because he does something that he has told you he views as normal.

Sorry OP, but unless there is something more I really do think you are massively overreacting.

TheHeirOfSlytherin Mon 03-Sep-12 17:12:49

he says it's only something he did now and again

So why do you think he is addicted?

You are overreacting A Lot IMO.

OwlLady Mon 03-Sep-12 17:13:16

what's normal is that most people tell each other things I suppose and if you had no idea for 21 years that he used porn i suppose it is a shock but I am also a bit hmm about the normal porn statement, but it depends how you view porn and its relationship to women

ThePigOnTheWall Mon 03-Sep-12 17:13:34

It doesn't sound to me like he's addicted. And if he knew he would get this reaction, I'm not surprised he didn't mention it

Laying aside my feelings about porn for one moment, I just want to say to you OP that you know that him wanking isn't a betrayal of you. Or a personal slight. It's something that most people do, whether they are in a relationship or not

TheHeirOfSlytherin Mon 03-Sep-12 17:13:49

Maybe he kept it secret because he knew the op would be like this?

elastamum Mon 03-Sep-12 17:13:49

I read Fifty shades of grey on a plane the other week - does that make me a porn addict! shock It was crap BTW, wont be reading the rest....

Goldchilled7up Mon 03-Sep-12 17:15:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

pictish Mon 03-Sep-12 17:15:21

Yes...I like a good old wank myself...and guess what? I'm not ever always thinking about hubby while I do it.

Our marriage must be in terrible danger!!!!

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