She is a good friend but she lies. is it worth?

[complexo]

We have been friends for over a year now and our children get on really well. I've seen her lying to other people before, really silly things like telling people she has a GP appointment when she doesn't want to meet up, this kind of thing. I was expecting to be lied to as well and have the feeling this has been happening but couldn't quite prove it until last week when I came back from my holidays and suggested a quickly catch up at the end of afternoon at the playground close to hers. She replied few hours after saying that her child would be until late night in other's friend's house. Than another friend calls me later and says that she has been to the park and saw few friends there and mentioned lier's dad with lier's child and the other friend she was supposed to be having a play date with. So I felt liar made unnecessary excuses to me as clearly her husband went to pick up her child and her child wouldn't stay at friends house until evening I think. Than yesterday she sent me a link asking my opinion about something she wanted to buy in Argos. Today I invited her for a day out with us and she said she couldn't because she needed to go to an Argos shop (1,5 hours away by bus) to buy her thing there, they didn't have it anywhere else. So I checked the website again and yes they do have it in our 2 nearest Argos specially in the one close to where I invited her to go to...and isn't a coincidence that she has a friend who lives exactly where she is going today?? Honestly I really don't mind to be turned down I understand people are busy I don't think she is keeping me away because we already arranges to meet on Wed after school. But her behaviour puts me off tbh, I think it is childish and I feel I can't trust. Sorry it is long. Anyone with an opinion or similar experience?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Can't abide liars. Can just about tolerate the type that exaggerates because of insecurity but lying about silly things like Argos or trying to fob me off would just annoy me. If she's otherwise a nice person you should call her out on it. "If you don't want to meet up tell me the truth rather than spinning some yarn about" etc.

[BalloonSlayer]

Well if you are finding yourself doing stuff like checking Argos to see if she is telling the truth then it is obviously really getting to you, and time to back off.

It's odd isn't it - you say she is a good friend but if she lies about going to Argos what else is she lying about.

I know a couple of people who tell ahem "tall stories" about things that happen/have happened in their lives, to the extent that I have worried about them and then later found out that the thing I was worried about wasn't actually true. I like them both very much but I keep them at arms length. I can't handle liars at all.

[complexo]

It is so amateur as well. Her child being picked up by her father in the park where everybody goes clearly someone would see them there and could coment to me, why lie saying the child would stay in the evening at friends house?? Also she sends me an Argos link than lies about the thing being availabe in a very far away Argos when I can quicly find out it isn't true. She must be thinking I'm really dumb. I guess I care because my Wendy tried to befriend her and when she came to ask me what my problem with Wendy was I told the truth. I tought Wendy's magic wouldn't work on her but maybe it is.

[DivineInspiration]

Doesn't everybody do this, sometimes? It's more polite than refusing an invitation with "Sorry but no, I can't be bothered/don't really want to spend time with you/find that activity really boring." I don't want to go to my colleague's babyshower next weekend: I like neither baby showers nor my colleague. So I gave my apologies by saying that DP and I have prior arrangements and wished her well. In fact, we've fuck-all planned for next weekend.

I don't think the problem here is her lies, more that she clearly doesn't consider you the good friend you consider her or at least isn't as keen. She's making up excuses not to meet with you. Unless she's wonderfully amazing and you can't live without her, I'd take the hint and stop trying to invite her out; if she wants to maintain the friendship she'll contact you; if she doesn't then you'll know she wasn't a real friend anyway and you can move on with spending time with other friends/making new ones.

[BalloonSlayer]

Oh leave her and Wendy to it then. Sit back and enjoy the spectacle as the Wendy and the liar lock horns. It'll be like King King v Godzilla.

< thrilled at knowing what a Wendy is >

[ClippedPhoenix]

Who's Wendy?

As one of the other poster's said just keep her at arms length. Some people just lie to get themselves out of things where the simple truth would be fine. God knows why they do this, it's rather silly really. I'd laugh and tell her there's no need to fib.

[StealthPolarBear]

what's a wendy?

[izzyizin]

My dearly loved and much lamented late aged relative always said that she'd rather have a thief than a liar because you know where you are with a thief and can lock your valuables away.

For me, liars are thieves too as they steal time and energy that can be better spent on honest folk.

Occasional little white lies to spare blushes and not cause offence are one thing; habitual lying is a whole other ball game and your friend would appear to be in the habit of telling porkies on a regular basis.

You're never going to be able to trust a word she says and, for me, this would be more than sufficient reason to end the friendship or relegate her to the status of unreliable acquaintance.

What I wouldn't bother to do is call her on it or engineer any sort of confrontation as she'll inevitably tell more lies.

[BalloonSlayer]

There is a thread about a friend who has suddenly stopped talking to the OP, and has now appropriated all her friends who have now also stopped talking to the OP. The OP does not think she has done anything wrong and when she asks what she has done she is told that nothing is wrong, yet they continue to leave the OP out and ignore her. The OP called the first "friend" Wendy just for the sake of making the thread easier to understand.

Many other posters have come out and said that they have a Wendy in their lives too.

[BalloonSlayer]

Link to Wendy thread

[complexo]

I don't think she tells little white lies/excuses because I see her doing it to other people and even her husband all the time. I knew she would be doing it to me at some point but having prove and this be so petty is really sad. I guess I will go to this last one play date on Wed than step back. It is a shame as our children really love each other. But I really don't want to waste energy with mind games.

[GroupieGirl]

At least she's only lying about Argos...I had a friend who used to come out with some spectacular whoppers. (Think being picked for the olympics or tea and cake with celeb type fibs!) Eventually the funny side wore off and I distanced.

[izzyizin]

[complexo]

Sorry I can't link the Wendy thread I'm on the phone. Wendy is basically an Queen Bee or gang ring leader who picks someone from a circle of friends to bully / ignore etc. Much like mean girls at the school playground. I'm sure someone who is English native speaker and participated in that thread can explain better.

[brass]

drop her

[complexo]

Oh X post. I will ignore whne she says she adores me and I'm her best friend. She can go be best friend with Wendy than.

[Bartusmaeus]

It's just really childish isn't it?

I had a friend like this...when we were teenagers We drifted as I was fed up of hearing tall tales and full-on lies.

Some people are just so used to lying that it's like second nature.

My DB is a bit like that, until it blew up in his face quite spectacularly - he'd lied about a tiny little thing YET AGAIN. If he'd owned up straight away to having forgotten to do something it would have been salvageable. Instead he lied and the whole thing escalated and and SIL kicked him out for a few days. He always used to say what he thought you want to hear instead of the truth, especially if you were likely to get annoyed with him.

[complexo]

It is almost like they want to create a soap opera for themselves

[Mumsyblouse]

I don't think any of this is terrible lying. You called her, she said her child would be busy til late, it turns out they are in the park with the other child, so that was true, they were busy with that child. She said she was going to a far away Argos, how do you know she didn't decide to buy something else in the same shop, not just the thing she linked to you? And, if she changed her mind, stayed in and put her feet up, so what?

You sound like you are over-monitoring her everyday behaviour, and she is resorting to telling quite small white lies to stop you getting huffy and offended (e.g. over her going to see another friend which is a perfectly normal thing to do).

Sorry, but I was expecting a proper liar, I know someone like that and their lies were amazing and so obviously untrue, this is not one of those cases.

But you are not obliged to be good friends, perhaps a bit of distance all round would help.

[BerylStreep]

Some people just need a lot of negative energy in their lives.

It is a bit strange to check argos availability though.

Time to back off, for your own sanity, I think.

[complexo]

Well there were other strange occasions that she has let me down and the excuses didn't add up mumsyblouse...and I've seen her doing it to other people. I'm not monitoring her everyday behaviour and as I said I really don't mind be turned down I will carry on and have fun with my daughter anyway. Someone's said that we all say white lies, well I don't, I say things like: no thanks I can't be bothered / I'm tired / I'm feeling too lazy /I would rather clean the house or even 'I can't stand seeing another child in front of me today a part my own coz I have no options....maybe I loose brownie points for this but it feels so good telling exactly what you think and feel I wouldn't change for nothing. Maybe that is why I was wendied so easily.

[LittleFrieda]

OP, I often make small deviations from truth in order to spare the feelings of someone who invites me to do somehing that I really don't want to do.

'I hope you have a lovely time at your line-dancing with the naked Chipperfields evening. I'm unable to make it but I'm sure you'll bring the photographic evidence into work, so I won't have entirely missed out.'

[complexo]

LittleFrieda I'm sure this is the right way to do it, no wonder I was never a popular girl. Maybe I will start be a bit more gracious.

[Proudnscary]

I too think it's a bit odd that you checked the Argos thing...it would never have occurred to me to do that.

I'm with you on the telling the truth front though. I do occasionally tell white lies to get out of something but I've learned as I've got older than it's rarely necessary. You just have to say 'Sorry I can't make it, another time' or whatever, not many people press you on why not.