Are you EVERYTHING to your partner

[dizzybiatch]

My dh and I (and 3 kids) live 200 miles from where we grew up and have left our friends and family behind to move with dh's work.
I have found our relationship has suffered and recently I have realised that I find lots of pressure from being the only other significant adult on his life.
When we recently visited home for a few weeks i foundhim having his best mate around made life easier for me. He would go off with him and do stuff and there was less pressure for me to hurry home if I went off to do something. All in all I found it a much healthier situation.

Dh of course doesn't see this at all. Infact when I have mentioned this to him he takes it quite personally.

ANyone have a situation where you are literally everything to your partner? Not sure how to remedy the situation without my dh feeling I am being unkind.

[firawla]

No, im not and my dh isn't for me either. not that i dont love him, but we both need friends too and need to spend time with friends separately. I think thats healthy. not sure how to broach it with your dh though if he takes it very personally.
does he mind you having friends and doing things with friends even if he doesnt like suggestion of him spending more time with his friends?

[Mumsyblouse]

No, definitely not, and nor is he to me. I like to have friends (old friends, colleagues), family, interests (ok, Mnetting), long term goals (career) and son on in my life, I would hate to think my husband looked to me for everything, but we do have a large amount of independence in our relationship and it may not suit everyone.

[Helltotheno]

No I'm certainly not everything to my partner nor vice versa. It's good to spread the lurve in my opinion. You should ask him what he would do if something happened to you. Also, irrespective, you should still make your own life and politely tell that you will go out with your friends and you don't intend giving up hobbies etc because of him.

He's not being reasonable really. With 3 kids, the sum total of his wellbeing can't all be on you.

[CailinDana]

I would be everything to dh if i didn't force encourage him to keep his interests going. We do spend a lot of time together and are each others' best friends but over the years i have made very sure we both have our separate friends and interests. Does your dh complain if he reckons you're out too much?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

No, not everything. We do spend a lot of time together though, because we moved here for work and so aren't particularly close to any old friends/family etc.

We both have hobbies and interests, some of which we participate in together/as a family, but we do do things independently of one another and I think that will increase as our children get older (they are 17 months and 4.1 atm)

Your DH is very unreasonable to try to restrict your movements, unless what you are doing or how much you are out is having a detrimental effect on your family.

[Proudnscary]

Good god no!

I love my dh but I need LOADS of space and my own time, friends, work etc.

But can you clarify...do you mean he doesn't want you to have your own friends/life/interests outside of him or do you mean because of your situation ie moving miles from your friends and family?

There's a huge difference.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Yes I've had clingy boyfriends before but they didn't last long. Far too suffocating. Think you have to be honest with him rather than try to save his feelings on this one or nothing will change. Don't rush home so that you can be his entertainment, set time aside to do your own thing, and encourage him to develop some new friends at the same time.

[PurplePidjin]

No, and when he moved in with me (from about 100 miles away) i packed him off to the local running club (his hobby) to make friends!

How can he appreciate and miss me, and vice versa, if we're constantly in each others' hair?

[Lucyellensmum100]

Me and my DD are everything to DP. He has his work, but he works for himself and i give admin support. He doesn't really have friends, its just me, because i don't socialise much at the moment because im not working he doesn't really see anyone other than us. I have friends but no one i see regularly, do have the occasional (very occasional) night out or lunch with friends myself and i like to have other people in my life. Id like more just now but its not a big issue for us. It works for us.

[CherryBlossom27]

I've recently realised I'm the one who needs to get out more DH asked when the last time I had any time out without him and DS and it was a good three months ago! I'm going to join up to a local Zumba class (killing two birds with one stone as I need to lose baby weight too)!

It does creep up on you without you realising! I would get some leaflets or info about local clubs/gym and tell your husband he needs to pick one and you'll pick one and you'll both have an evening off separately.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Me and DH are very close and always have been. We both have friends but don't see much of them and are quite happy to spend our freetime together. He is most certainly my best friend. But we don't put each other under pressure to be at home etc and know that we need our own hobbies away from the home and DC otherwise it all gets a bit too intense.

Mind you pre DC we were happy to spend all our free time together.

[dizzybiatch]

Thanks for the replies.

I have made friends where we live through my hobby and the children whereas he only knows a few dads (husbands of the women i have met)

He feels he only needs his best mate.

Sometimes i feel he does resent my having other people i want to spend time with. We do argue about this because he will say things like 'oh desperate to get away from us' and makes out its a joke but I'm not sure if its because he is left with the kids at these times. He works away and so I am always with the kids unless he has them.

On going issue for us that i do feel would ease if we lived near his best mate and his parents. When they are round the pressure is off me slightly.

If i bring this up with him he would definitely say i was out of line and making something of nothing. But I never felt this way in any other relationship so Im sure its not me.

[NCForNow]

I have been because DH is from another country. It has been very very hard indeed. Recently he has made a friend (not easy when you're in your 30s and male and busy with an anti social job)

I have been so pleased as the new mate has DC and is a SAHD....as my DH works from home, they can do "man things" together like gardening and helping one anther with DIY.

They are reciprocally pleased with one another!

[dizzybiatch]

NCfornow your post made me laugh!!

My dh does need a pal here. He did have one but he moved away. We were friends with the whole family.

My new mission will be to find him a manpal!!

[Lottapianos]

I feel like I am almost everything to my DP. He has no real relationship with his family, hates his job, has no friends and no self-confidence whatsoever to go out and meet any other people. I don't particularly enjoy my job and have loads of family problems but I have great friends and can be out pretty much whenever I want to be. He's never been jealous or had any problem with this.

It's hard to be honest. He's a wonderful person and we are very happy together but it feels like a huge amount of pressure. I feel like I am 100% of the happiness in his life and I really wish he had fulfilling, exciting things going on apart from me, for his sake even more than mine

[Happylander]

I started to see someone who did not appear to really have much of a life outside of work and I said that to him and his reply was 'I have a life now I have met you' I also asked him why he didn't go out with his mates and his answer was 'friends are more hassle than they are worth' Needless to say it didn't last long.

I think both people need to see their mates and have interests outside the family. Not all people do think that way though. I always wonder what people talk about if they only spend time with each other as I run out of things to chat about LOL

[Lueji]

I found it a problem too.
It didn't help that he had social anxiety too, so wouldn't even join the local group of men who played footie at the back of our house.

He's an ex now.

[babesdontlie]

Yes,

we both work from home (he has an office I have a work room), our kids are grown and left home.

We do literally spend 24 hours a day together and are, at our own admission, very insular.

We go for meals out, days out, holidays, walk the dogs etc.

It works for us.

[DameEnidSpink]

Pretty much yes.

DH is a loner so doesn't really need friends and makes little effort in maintaining any friendships that he has had. He comes from a dysfunctional family too - he last saw his siblings ten years ago even though 2 of them live less than an hour away.

He detests much of his job and is always looking for something else.

He has his hobbies that he immerses himself in and is happy for me and the DCs (all much more sociable than him) to do stuff without him.