Loving someone vs. being 'in love'

[qumquat]

I love my DP dearly but I don't think I've ever been 'in love' with him (or anyone else for that matter), apart from fleeting moments. This matters to me sometimes and not others. I'm mainly pragmatic: I'd rather be with my wonderful DP than blindly in love with a man that's nowhere near as good as him. I love being with him and have zero complaints about him or our relationship, apart that lack of extra spark, which I think might be missing - but since I've never had it who knows? Maybe I just don't know love when it comes up and slaps me in the face.

This niggle has led me to hit a stumbling block that I can't seem to get over. I can't commit to marrying him, the thought absolutely terrifies me. I know I'm treating him extremely badly and wasting his life as well as my own. He would marry me tomorrow; I decide (internally) I can do it one day then start doubting the next. I sometimes think my doubts must be my inner voice telling me something is not right, but then I think of all the people who were once 'sure' who are now divorced and wonder if going into marriage not blinded by falling in love is actually a good thing. I have absolutely no desire to split up with my wonderful partner, just can't bring myself to commit fully. What is wrong with me?!?!?

I would appreciate your thoughts especially from anyone who's ever been in this situation.

[ladyWordy]

If the thought of marrying him terrifies you, don't do it. You can add 'yet' if you need a get-out clause, but my thoughts are that this is the worst possible start to a legal commitment. Stick with a love commitment for now.

Maybe (maybe) your inner voice is telling you something is not right. Who knows?

If it's any help, I had a friend who was in a turmoil like this. She really couldn't decide, and her thoughts were similar to your own..... But her BF was very keen. He kept on at her. In the end she gave in, her rationalisations being similar to yours. It didn't end well, as he revealed a side to his character she had no idea was there.

Not to say that's typical or will happen to you, and I'm sure others have more hopeful stories to share. It's just that IMO you should sit tight and enjoy your relationship until you know for certain you want marriage yourself. 

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The difference between being in love with someone and loving someone is the difference between passion and a friendship. All marriages should be based on friendship but the best ones have a dash of passion to keep things interesting. If you're in this much doubt, are treating him badly and are finding it hard to commit because there is no extra spark present, break it off and save everyone a lot of heart-ache. Because, sure as eggs are eggs, one day and when you least expect it, someone will come along who provides that spark and then you will really regret your decision.

Mind me asking how old you are?

[carefulobserver]

I'm the same as you except I have been in love once with a man who was emotionally abusive. Never felt anything like that strength of feeling since (15 years ago when I was very young).

I have, however, had relationships I was happy in. Far happier than in the one with the man I was "in love" with, and in which I came to develop a deep sense of attraction and affection. And these made me realise that love comes in different forms. The crazy intense passion is just an evolutionary mechanism that has served the purpose of persuading humans to recreate. It isn't actually any indicator of compatibility or that the relationship will be a particular happy or even healthy one. It has only drawn me towards someone who was vile and pathetic, and most of my friends who are madly in love are with men that treat them pretty badly too.

There will always be a small minority of the population who are unbelievably lucky enough to fall in love with someone they are truly well suited to and who treats them well. But if you look at the divorce stats I think it's clear to see that this kind of love is rare.

I still feel depressed about this from time to time but I try to compare myself to the millions or even billions of people who are worse off than me. In love, but in abusive relationships. Or living in an arranged marriage with someone they can't stand. If you have a partner who you describe as wonderful, you have far more than most people. But it's still hard. I understand.

[dequoisagitil]

I think if the thought of marrying terrifies you, you shouldn't do it. Just don't. You would regret it.

He may tick all the boxes, but marriage is something to be entered into with hope & joy.

It doesn't mean the relationship has to end, just don't get deeper in.

[ladyWordy]

The crazy intense passion ?.. isn't actually any indicator of compatibility or that the relationship will be a particularly happy or even healthy one.

Oh that is so true careful. Very good point indeed; I wish I could emphasise that to someone I know, right now. :(

And I'd agree with Cogito, that if you marry Mr Good Enough where there really is no spark, you are incredibly vulnerable to someone walking into either of your lives who does fire off sparks. What to do then?

Friendship and a dash of passion are the best mix, not either/or.....if at all possible..

[izzyizin]

The clue would seem to be in you've 'never been in love with him or anyone else for that matter' apart from 'fleeting moments'.

Were you denied love as a child, or was the love you were given conditional and withheld if you failed to measure up?

If not, you may simply be more grounded than most and less prone to get carried away by giddy feelings of infatuation/lust.

I suspect that you are deeply in love with your dp and that your fear of the commitment that marriage represents may be rooted in feelings of 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' and that what is alleged to be 'wedded bliss' may be more akin to 'wedded stress' than others let on.

Many have found that entering into marriage with 'hope and joy' can turn into a 'give up hope all ye who were foolish enough to enter here' scenario once the honeymoon is over

Of course you could take the Sydney Carton approach and regard it as 'a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done' because, IMO, altruistic love is the most enduring love of all.

[BeeBee12]

Being in love with dh to me is thinking he is the most attractive man to me on top of having the most suited personality to me.We are best mates like 2 pieces of jigsaw but I want to have sex and touch/cuddle him all the time.

Its like I cant get enough of him like a drug.We have spoke about this before and both said the same thing.I dont know if its evolutionary or what it is but it feels 'right'

[Lueji]

Trust your gut feeling.

There may be something off in the relationship and nomecessarily to do with being in love or loving.

[qumquat]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond in such detail. You've all given me lots of food for thought. I imagine I sound a lot younger than I am: I'm 33 and desperately broody- which adds another angle to my stress! I think I'm acting very immature in relation to this issue, just need to make sure I mature enough in time to make a decision before it's too late...

[tiptop2]

I have recently spilt up from my boyfriend, exactly same situ. 34, broody, wondering if the grass isn't greener and perhaps I should stick with my lovely but no spark dp. I took the plunge, split up and although its a massive shock and I do sometimes feel like I might have missed the op to have kids with a decent bloke, I know it was the right decision and therefore feel a massive sense of relief. I think you need to really consider him in all of this. Is it fair for him to marry someone who's not really in love with him? Seeing friends with babies highlights how much more pressure goes onto a relationship, do you really want children to get messed up in all of this? Ofcourse it is your decision and perhaps if you took a break you might realise how much he does mean to you but I would very seriously listen to your gut.