I really think DH would be happier without us

[belindarose]

He doesn't seem to enjoy family life at all. We have DD (3) and DS (9 weeks). He does love the children, but they seem to be such a chore for him. For instance, DD came to our room at 7.20 this morning, after sleepin all night. He groaned and moaned and tried to get her to go back to her room. I got up with her as I think that's a perfectly respectable time! Also, she deserves to have somebody cheerful with her!

He thinks the holiday we're going on next week will be 'too hard with them both'. It's his parents' (free) caravan for four nights. He's got a week off work beforehand...

He seems pissed off all the time that DS cries. He doesn't cry much, just has episodes, usually in the evening, when he screams a bit. I have him in a sling usually and he calms down.

He won't want to do anything today (except play on the computer). I've started to organise things for the children and me for ourselves and say he can come along if he wants (trying not to be PA about it).

I don't complain about the lack of time to myself (none at all - but that's to be expected with a tiny baby around).

I've been depressed in the past and am taking ADs at the moment due to antenatal depression. It's gone now and I'm not depressed. The AND was due to anxiety about how I'd cope with a new baby and DD, knowing, really, that it would be like this. He will put it down to depression if I try to talk to him about this. Beginning to think it's he who is depressed, but he'd never accept that in a million years.

I don't really know what to do. Just put up with it and carry on with the children as I am? I am a SAHM, many miles away from family.

[Funnylittleturkishdelight]

This sounds really hard for you- you're coping really well.

I think guidelines need to be established regarding shared care- you are a SAHM the only 'break' or holiday you get is if he helps out. Could you use this time off to make it clear to him you need his contribution in the home to make you function as a family?

You say you have no family- do you have any outside support?

[belindarose]

No outside support really, apart from family when they visit. My mum comes as often as she can. I'm not overly bothered about my time 'off', more sad that he seems to have no pleasure in parenting. It not a share experience.

He does do some things - has to as we have a newborn - like putting DD to bed, helping her dress sometimes etc. He was getting up with her in the mornings on his work days, but that seems to have stopped since DS stopped feeding at that time of the morning.

[Sparkletastic]

It is possible that he's depressed but you can't take responsibility for that as well as single parenting your DCs. My DH was pretty useless when our DD1 was a baby but totally pulled his socks up when DD2 came along. We mainly operated a 'divide and conquer' arrangement where we did more with the eldest whilst I was BF youngest. Family holidays can indeed be stressful as the DCs invariably don't sleep as well so I have some sympathy with that however if you go into the 'break' with realistic expectations then it can still be fun. Did he want children? If so time for a serious discussion about what needs to change in order for you to survive as a family....

[stubbornstains]

Not everyone enjoys the early years. I'd probably in respond the same way if faced with 4 days in a caravan with 2 very young DCs- holidays can be hell!

On the other hand, he seems to be bringing you all down and making your job harder. I'm a single mum, but my dad is like this when we go to visit- getting into a mood whenever DS has a tantrum really doesn't help things one little bit.

Could you explain to him that his attitude is affecting you, that this phase is hard for everyone, you can't make him enjoy it, but could he please man up and go through the motions?

[belindarose]

He did want children, yes. It is the sleeping he's worried about on holiday actually, you're right. I don't think it'll be too bad as DD sleeps okay when we stay with other people (usually!). I'm more worried that he's going to be miserable all holiday.

[belindarose]

Thanks stubborn. I suppose I can't make him enjoy them, no. But I'm seeing a future that's always like this, like he won't enjoy it when they're older either and we'll just be stuck in this rut forever.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry but I don't think this man is depressed, I think he's selfish. It's appalling that you say you're on anti-depressants because of the anxiety caused by knowing he would behave this way. It all sounds very eggshell-treading stuff at the moment. Have you tried having it out with him and telling him to grow up?

[belindarose]

No, cogito, I haven't tried that. I'm not brave enough. it's really stupid. I can't face the confrontation, even though I know it can't be any worse really.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you need to give him a kick up the backside. If you say nothing, he's getting away with being a lazy, irresponsible grouch that takes no interest in his family. He has no incentive to change. You are quite entitled to say 'enough is enough' and, if he loves you and values his family, he should take you seriously. If he is depressed, taking you seriously means he gets treatment. If he's sulking, taking you seriously means manning up and taking responsibility.

[dranksinatra]

Hopefully it will pass.
Personally I wouldn't play on the computer if there was anything to do in the house, but here I am on mumsnet!

[needsomeperspective]

My DH struggled to bond with DD2 at first. He worried about it very much. We had 2 very close together which wasn't planned that way and I think he just dreaded the extra work stress and responsibility. Now DD2 is 8 months and he is brilliant with both of them and much less moany about life being over, everything dominated by babies etc.

I think sometimes it takes a while for people to come to terms with te demands of a new baby and the impact on life. Mothers and fathers can suffer from that it's not just a male issue.

When we had our first it was exciting. And we still held out hope for some semblance of a life as a couple and a social existence. When we had DD2 I think DH sort of assumed that was the nail in the coffin of things like lie ins and dinners out etc. of course as time has gone on his worst fears either haven't been realized or he he has just resigned himself to it - not sure which!! But he seems happy enough now.

Give it time. Your new baby is only 9 weeks. He may just need longer to adapt and reconcile himself to the changing situation.

[belindarose]

Well, I'm on mumsnet too, but always when I'm either feeding the baby or supervising DD playing. It's only sporadic, not long periods of time. He played till 2.30am yesterday, so didn't want to get up in the morning of course.

[belindarose]

Sorry, x posted with you, perspective. He is much better with DD now she's older. But DS is no trouble, particularly for him!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Give it time??? The OP has had just as much time to acclimatise and has risen to the occasion, despite having AND and being saddled with all the work. This man has no good reason not to do the same thing. He's acting like a spoilt brat.

[BlackberryIce]

He's not depressed
He tired..... From staying up on the computer ( doing what?) til the small hours! And the holiday means he will not be able to do that, hence, he does not want to go!

What would happen if you had no computer?

[amillionyears]

op,what was your DH like with your first child.Was he grumpy at first and then came round to it all?

Cogito,agree that the DH may be getting away with rather too much.
But as a general rule,would you say that men and women are indeed different to each other?I have never read the book men are from Mars,women are from Venus,but from the title I can assume the gist of the book.

[belindarose]

The thing is, when I hear criticism of him (from people on here, my best friend, my mum), I get all defensive and start to make excuses for him or convince myself/ other people that it's not so bad.

He's up now and playing with DD/ sorting out in the kitchen. So that's okay. If he goes on the computer (it's to play a game, by the way) I'll ask him not to while I'm still doing household chores he could be sharing in.

[belindarose]

I think he thinks that when I'm feeding DS I'm having my 'break'.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"But as a general rule,would you say that men and women are indeed different to each other?"

Not as a general rule. I think there is a lot of social conditioning that results in some rather selfish, lazy fathers deciding that children are 'womens work' but I don't think there is any fundamental difference in capabilities

OP, of course you feel defensive when others criticise but you've been making excuses for him for a long time now in an effort to avoid confrontation. Don't 'ask' him to share household chores... 'tell' him.

[belindarose]

Okay, he's now doing genuinely helpful things in the kitchen and has asked if I want to go out anywhere today. What do normal people do in these circumstances? Do I thank him for 'helping', tell him kitchen looks nice? Tell him it makes me happy when he shares the chores?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A thank you never goes amiss. :) You could try 'It's good when we're working as a team and how can we make that happen more often?'.... build on it.

[SirBoobAlot]

No, its his house to clean as well, don't thank him for tidying it.

[TeaBrick]

It must be nice to be a man and have the luxury of choosing whether you want to be a part of family life or not, luckily most women are able to face up to their responsibilities and get on with it without bringing the rest of the family down with them.
Ex dp was like this, which is why we're no longer together. He regrets it now...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The house belongs to them both which means he should thank you as well as you thanking him. Everyone likes to feel appreciated.

[needsomeperspective]

Teabrick I think you'll did that there are plenty of women who struggle to "face up" to their new life with a new born. This isn't a gender discussion. My friends husband took to fatherhood like a duck to water whereas she really struggled to get used to it for the first 3 or 4 months. Everyone is different.