being swore at

[desperateforaholiday]

My dh told me to fuck off in front of our children the other morning, I admit I was brassed off with him as I had got up with them again, so when he strolled downstairs I said rather sarcastically that he may as well go back to bed (all rather childish I know).
Things have been really frosty since, I asked him last night if he was going to apologise and he says he cant remember saying it. Then he said 'IF I did say it then I do apologise'
I just dont know how I feel about this, could he have really forget he said it.
Im not very good at arguing and struggle to get my point across.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He said it because you heard it and if he's trying to claim he 'forgot' saying it, he thinks you're a fool. There is seldom any justification resorting to verbal abuse... usually means the person has lost the argument and is simply lashing out. Swearing in front of the children is totally unacceptable. If it's a one-off, accept the apology on face value perhaps and tackle the getting up with the children problem together when you are both less tired and in a better frame of mind. If this happens a lot, it's a serious problem.

[desperateforaholiday]

Thanks, it doesn't happen very often, over the last few months he's called me selfish, lazy and pathetic, all isolated incidents, most of the time we get on well. I get up with the kids most days then work in the afternoons, he does most of the cooking and looks after the kid's as he doesn't work.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry, but several isolated incidents make a pattern of behaviour. Being repeatedly insulted by someone who is supposed to love you is not normal or acceptable. Sadly, too many people use name-calling and criticism as a way to knock their partner's confidence and control their behaviour.

I'm sure you get on well a lot of the time but if he's only pleasant when he's getting his own way, that's not good at all. If you find yourself hanging back and not saying what you want for fear of getting a mouthful... if you're careful how you behave around him... if you find yourself worrying about 'what will DH think?'... then stand up for yourself and nip it in the bud.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How old are your children?. No child should hear their mother being spoken to like that; they could easily go onto copy him and treat you with the same disdain.

What relationship lessons is he and by turn you imparting to these young people?.

What do you get out of this relationship now desperate?.

Telling you to f off as well as being called selfish, lazy and pathetic (that's projection on his part) on previous occasions does in my opinion amount to emotional abuse. Such verbal abuse is very damaging, this is all about power and control.

Such abusive men are not nasty all the time but what is happening here i.e nice/nasty is a continuous cycle. You await his next outburst, more of the same.

[ecclesvet]

TBH if the first thing I heard when I came downstairs was a sarky dig about how selfish and unnecessary I was, I'd probably tell that person to fuck off too. Maybe not in front of the children, though.

[desperateforaholiday]

I know I was being sarcastic but I am exhausted, I work, I get up with the kids most of the time, I do half the cooking and cleaning, if the kids wake in the night I get up to them, I still am gutted he told me to fuck off, I dont know what I get out of this relationship, most of the time he is loving, he's a good dad, im going to talk to him when he gets in later.

[delilahlilah]

ecclesvet he doesn't work, and he can't even be bothered to get up with the children, even though he knows that she does have to go to work, and you don't think she has any cause to be tired and irritated and snap at him?
An undeserved sarky dig is something different.
If this was a man posting about his DW not getting up in the nights/ mornings with the kids when he has to work and she's staying in bed and doesn't work would you think that was fair ecclesvet?

[izzyizin]

When you talk to him make it clear that if you decide that he's not enhancing your life in any way and that you intend to divorce the tosser him, he'll be the one that fucks off as you'll be staying in the marital home with your dc.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

desperate,

"I dont know what I get out of this relationship, most of the time he is loving, he's a good dad, im going to talk to him when he gets in later"

I think you find that talking to him will be a wasted effort.

I do not think you get anything out of this relationship at all now.

Abusers can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. Also they are not nasty all the time; if they were no woman would want to be with them. He will not change; this is who he is.

He is patently NOT a good dad either if he treats you with such disdain and swears at you in front of the children. What does that teach them about relationships?.

Women as well in emotionally abusive situations like yours often write the good dad comment when they themselves have nothing positive to say about their man. To me, "the most of the time he is loving" comment smacks of denial on your part. He only cares about his own self, you and the children are but mere possessions to him to abuse as he sees fit.