Has anyone revived a sexless marriage?

[Haggismcbaggis]

Namechange here. Have been a regular MNer for over 4 years...

DH & I married for 11 yrs, together for 16. We have 3 DC, youngest of whom is 4.

Basically, we have never had a great sex life. When we first got together, it was long distance so we did have sex whenever we met. But largely once together longterm, we had sex rarely and when we did it was always instigated by me.

Also - it was never fantastic. I enjoyed the intimacy and so on. But shamefully I have never had an orgasm with him. Only ever on my own. When together I said this didn't matter, or even more embarrassingly I sometimes just faked because I didn't want to admit that it took so long to climax.

Over the last 8 years - we really only had sex in order to procreate. Ironically, I thought this might be the time we ended up with a regular sexlife. But we have been blessed with great fertility - each of our kids was conceived after the first month of trying for each iyswim. There was no sex in pregnancy whatsoever.

After the last DC was born I actually think we went about 2.5 years without having sex! Incredible isn't it.

It just got to the point that I was so fed up being the person who initiated sex that I never did. I felt like shit not being desired or wanted. Also during that time I had a mirena coil and that killed my sex-drive. And then the whole thing became awkward and embarrassing because we hadn't done it for ages & ages.

Bottomline - I have told him recently that I was thinking of leaving because I am so unhappy having a sexless relationship. But I am guilty of being dishonest in the relationship re; faking. I am resolved not to fake ever again. Now I am older I know that it does take some effort and that it is Ok not to be able to climax with penetration only.

This shocked him. In every other way - we have a great life and get on well. BUt I find the lack of sex makes other irritations harder to get over. I don't want to live like a brother and sister. So he agreed to do something about it. And I am resolved to do so too. I bought a copy of Mating in Captivity as recommended on MN on similar threads to this. I need to read it too. I have suggested counselling but he is resistant to that.

I do have a good sexdrive - particularly mid-cycle so we have had sex a few times recently. When he initiates it - it does feel as though he is carrying out a chore. Often he doesn't climax himself and right at the end he "runs out of steam". I think (well know) he has low sex drive - although he may
wank sometimes I think. I am wondering whether to suggest he sees the GP about getting his testosterone levels tested. Maybe we should try Viagra?

I have also ordered a couples vibrator thing yesterday (v tasteful etc from Coco de Mer) - but the thought of introducing it makes me so scared. We have never ever used such a thing in the bedroom. Also - I find it very difficult to orgasm when I have had a drink. But having had a drink is the only time I feel brave enough to initiate sex. Hmm.

Sorry. This is long and rambling. I do find him attractive - but wish he could lose the 2 stone he really needs to lose. I think he still finds me attractive.

has anyone ever come back from a sexless relationship with a male with a low sex-drive. Am I on a hiding to nothing here?

Thanks if you have managed to read this...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Breaking it down very clinically, there doesn't appear to be much wrong physically. Everything works when required but the 'chore' description suggests little enthusiasm. A mental problem therefore. He could be repressed, have negative associations with sex, may have been abused. He might not find you desirable or - not as uncommon as you may think - he could be gay. A good friend who was married with children and who later came out as gay once confided in me that he could 'go all night' with his wife but never get excited enough to climax.

Forgetting sex for a moment, are you intimate together in other ways? Do you cuddle and kiss? Shower together? Hold hands in the street? Would you ever chat lighheartedly about a TV or film-star being sexy?

[Haggismcbaggis]

I have thought of both those things - repression/ some form of abuse and whether he's gay.
I would very much doubt he's gay. We have a large number of gay fry ends and I have never seen any kind of frisson or connection. But who knows.
Repression or abuse might be more likely. Hard to bring it up tho.

We do cuddle and kiss, and hold hands. But could do more of that. I've never been able to do any sort of fantasy chat (of that's what you mean re film stars). As to normal chat about celebs well I an telling him about x, y & z all the time. .

I mentioned to him last night about getting his testosterone levels checked. Symptoms (according to Dr Google) - include steady weight gain, lack of energy, occasional erectile dysfunction and low sex drive.
He fits the profile for all of these. Went down like a lead balloon when I mentioned this. He recently had a health check with Bupa as part of his job and he said surely they would have checked that. But I am not sure.

[Haggismcbaggis]

Gay fry ends??? Damn phone. Friends of course

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think testosterone levels would be covered on a general health-check, no. Then again, lifestyle choices such as diet, exercise, smoking etc can quite easily result in weight-gain, lack of energy etc and that would be covered. If he has erectile dysfunction then a GP would be appropriate.

Re the film stars I meant the type of conversation where you'd see a good-looking person on the screen and remark that he/she had a nice bum. i.e. is sex on his radar at all or is he a cold-fish in all regards?

[Haggismcbaggis]

Yes there is erectile dysfunction in so far as - he sometimes loses his erection before climaxing.

No - I don't think he has ever commented about a film star , celeb or anyone we know in a sexual way. I'm not sure that
makes him a cold fish. I have wondered is he asexual?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's either totally asexual and has no interest in sex whatsoever, or the thing that turns him on is too embarrassing to admit to. Does he masturbate ever?

[Haggismcbaggis]

I think he does masturbate - yes. But not excessively (as in I don't think it accounts for lack of sex-drive).

I read another thread you are on Cogito, where the woman is 27 husband a pilot. Her situation (and that of some people who have posted there) - sounds very similar to mine. Seems its surprisingly common. And it adds to your sense of feeling crap. The common myth is that all men want sex all the time, and if anything its women making headache excuses.

If only!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If he can masturbate there's some image/thought/stimulus he can conjure up that arouses him and therefore he isn't asexual. In your situation, I'd be curious to know what that stimulus was.

[Haggismcbaggis]

That's good advise Cogito. Are you a sex therapist or similar? You seem v knowledgeable. Thank you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not a sex therapist, sorry. Just a Miss Marple type that likes a puzzle & finds medical/psychological matters interesting :)

[TellyBug]

I know you say that minor irritations are harder to get over without sex but is the rest of your relationship ok? Seems a shame to throw a whole life together away. If he is generally not interested, what about opening your relationship up for you to have it off elsewhere?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The irritations are the rest of the relationship, that's the problem I think. The OP says 'we have a great life and we get on well' but if there are constant irritations, deep-seated unhappiness and no intimacy into the bargain, getting on well isn't a solid enough reason for staying married. It must feel very hollow and unsatisfying to always have this nagging away at you. From the few lines you've written OP, I don't think you would be at all comfortable opening up the relationship.

[Haggismcbaggis]

What I was trying to explain was that one of the reasons for a healthy sex life is that it is a glue that helps keep a relationship together. Having a young family is tiring and can be tricky - and I do feel like my DH and I are a "team" (to coin an annoying Americanism) in may ways. But I feel that bind would be stronger if we had a "proper" sex life. I feel this lack of erotic itimacy leaves us vulnerable. Me, in that being desired and wanted, is such an attractive prospect - that if I came into a situation where this was in offer I might be tempted not to resist.

But I am not miserable, not generally unhappy. I just feel that this piece of the jigsaw that I was able to put to one side whiles kids were very very young is not something I can forgo any longer. I love my husband. I don't want an open marriage I don't think (because I don't think I could have sex with other people without it leading to emotional betrayal ).

It's hard to know what to do.

(although according to some media type who just DM'd me - the answer is to go on some tv show where they send you away for the weekend and you speak to some specialists. Er ok - that sounds excellent [hmmm] )

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh yes... ... no better way to deal with personal, sensitive subjects than to explain them to Jeremy Kyle...

Personally, I don't think being happy with your sex-life in a marriage is part of the jigsaw. I think it's the flat surface you rest the jigsaw upon. Without intimacy, you're just flat-mates.

[ThemissingO]

Viagra won't make him fancy you- it will make him harder for longer.
But being overweight and unfit can cause ED- arteries get blocked just like in the heart, or he just runs out of steam- bit unlikely though in a young(ish) bloke.

If he can't come, then that is a form of ED yes, but does it have psychological reasons?

No one has mentioned the obvious- could he be gay? Lots of gay friends?

There are lots of married men with children in the closet.

Some couples can survive in a sexless marriage, if it's what each of them wants, or at least accepts.

You can't. The fact that he won't try counselling, and dismisses the testosterone test ( as if it was done which was unlikely as it's a specialised test) seems to say he is defensive and hiding the truth.

My money is on his being gay, or bi- and not admitting it to you or himself.

Would you raise this with him?

[OneMoreChap]

Gosh.

What a sod. Viagra may help if his erection is a bit weak, and it might add confidence.

It's a tragedy when one partner has a higher sex drive. Is he resenting you for something? I understand if there are underlying issues, it can make a partner feel less like intimacy.

If you can't talk it through, you will just have to draw a line under it and move on. Accept the relationship is actually moribund and leave. Well, more likely tell him to leave.