Help me accept that this is as good as it gets

[lazycoconutree]

I am so unhappy I don't know where to start!

'D'h and I have been married for 12 years. I made the decision to leave a very stressful but exciting career after dc2 was born 3 years ago because I felt I just couldn't do everything. DH was very supportive of the decision.

Since then I feel that our relationship has slowly but very steadily declined. A year ago I started to do some freelance work.
I knew when I left work that the majority of the house work and child care would fall on me and I am ok with that.

But dh whilst being a great dad is just not what I want as a husband.
The relationship has to work on his terms.
We talk when he has time, we go out if he wants and only when it's convenient to him, if I want to discuss anything (mostly to do with dcs) then it has to be done when he's in the mood and if he's busy then a discussion and decision arrived at within 30 seconds!
Most evenings after dcs are asleep he's working, or out with friends. He travels between 10-14 days out of every month for work. We can only have sex at night and if he's in the mood.
He spoils the dc all the time and I'm always the bad cop, having to instill routine and discipline.
I know that I am responsible for the more mundane things but why do I feel like I'm alway always the bad cop?
Whilst he's fantastic if the kids are I'll or need anything of him, he's completely insensitive to how I feel. He never notices or appreciates any effort I make........
So why don't I leave?
He's a great dad. The dc adore him. Apart from his complete insensitivity to me, he's a good person.

So what is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that life changes and maybe this is as good as it gets?

[Yama]

Sorry, I can't help you accept such God awful treatment.

My Mum as depressed when I was in my early teens. It was an awful time. My Dad was never a prick to her by the way.

Not that it's relevant but when my Mum returned to work she changed, became much happier.

I guess what I'm trying to say that even though your husband is nice to your dc, they are not idiots. They will notice you.

[tumbletumble]

OP, it sounds to me as if you might be better suited returning to work rather than being a SAHM. Is that an option?

[amillionyears]

Does he know anything of what you have just written?
That is a very long list.
Write it all down including what you want him to do to change,and show it to him.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Why should you accept it? Your life sounds depressing and you seem to be putting up with it for the sake of your children.

[AnyFucker]

nope, sorry, I can't help you with this one

there is no way you should be accepting this unsatisfactory arrangement

my advice to you ?

go back to work

make him do his share

his arrogance is unfounded and I really don't know who the fuck he thinks he is

if your H is Richard Branson, then I take back my post

otherwise, he needs a Godalmighty kick up the arse

[Pollykitten]

I think MN struggles with these kinds of problems... there is no clear 'leave the bastard' thing going on. You need to learn that being assertive is right and proper and to find a way to do that so whatever the outcome of your relationship, you are better of for having been assertive. You don't have to live with lovelessness - that's not part of the deal. Think about what is important to you and start to take steps that don't require his approval. He'll either come with you or he won't.

[lazycoconutree]

I can't go back to ft work as it's not really worth it in financial terms.
I have almost no support network except for DH family, who are great to him and on the face value but not really supportive when I need help. My family are great but live hours away so not really able to help or support in a realistic way

I have lots of friends but not really many close friends. As I just don't want to let anyone close to me. Dh was my best friend and now knows exactly how to exploit my weaknesses so I just don't feel that I can trust people.

And mostly I'm just sad.
How did my life turn out like this? Where did I go wrong?

[AnyFucker]

worth it for what ?

financially, maybe not

for your self-worth...it may be worth thousands

to stick it to your arrogant H...millions

to make sure you have the status and earning power to kick him to the kerb if need be or when his self-entitlement gives himself permission to fuck an adoring 20yo secretary...that is fucking priceless

when my kids were small, I worked virtually to pay the childcare (for 2 dc at one point) but I maintained my career and my exit if need be

I would never, ever advise any woman to give up a promising career to live in thrall to a man like this

big mistake

[AnyFucker]

Polly, you speak for yourself

[lazycoconutree]

I started freelancing with the view to go back to work once dc are in school. Until then it's just not realistic to look at full time work.

On the surface dh is the perfect husband.
But it's the sheer loneliness that gets to me.

He pulls his weight with anything regarding the kids.
And over the years I've learnt to become very self sufficient in almost all other aspects. It's not even that lack of support that I find hard

But I'm constantly sad and that sounds so juvenile.
I mean on the surface I have everything. I'm very lucky and I am grateful.
But if I ever need anything or I'm sick or need help or back up then he makes me feel like there is something wrong me. That I should be more grateful, more supportive of him, more self sufficient.
Less needy.

But how?

[Ajaney]

Agreeing with ANYFucker, I work 2 days per week and DS is in nursery. My wages cover the nursery and I am left with the grand total of about £25 a month after travel costs. I would do it for nothing, its my adult time.

Sounds like you have more than one DC, They are entitled to 15 hours a week in term time free care from the term after 3rd birthday.

This would be my first step, get a part time job and go from there.

[amillionyears]

Do you think he loves you?

[MiniTheMinx]

Did you Dp behave like this towards you when you worked? It seems that as your status changed from independent to dependent his perception of you changed. This is fairly common now because just as most women want a career, most men now expect women to pursue a career and not always for the right reasons. Although feeling 100% responsible for meeting the financial needs of all dependants can make some men feel resentful. Some seem to struggle coping with their own feelings about the responsibility. Is this a possibility ?

[Margerykemp]

Go back to work even if it's just for the pension contributions

[RandomMess]

This was a bit similar as to how things got between dh and I although for different reasons.

In the end I issued an ultimatum - there was no "us" anymore and I booked a therapist for joint sessions, it has helped hugely.

Again I was just so so so alone, it was unbearable, he had been my best friend and then just "disappeared" on me on an emotional level.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

You're constantly sad, you're lonely, you're confused, you actually write that your dh knows now how to exploit your weaknesses to make you feel like shit.

Everything is on his terms.

Even sex.

Well it's not a relationship for you is it. It might be a working arrangement for him and he probably enjoys basking in the relfected glory of being Mr Nice. He just aint Mr Nice though is he.

What was your previous exciting career? Given what he's putting you through now packing coat hangers sounds more exciting tbh.

He's ground you down. get some control back (petition him for divorce) and join a ceilidh club or something. if he doesn't 'come with you' on this then you're better off cutting him loose.

[Mumsyblouse]

I think going back to work might also be good for you. Your husband has taken advantage of your willingness to step back from your career path for the good of the family, and unfortunately you have paid a very high price for this, in terms of loneliness and your sadness. Your youngest will be in nursery this year (aged 3) and I would get some childcare, get back to your job and start looking at your options in terms of separating. You may not actually go through with it, perhaps he will have a sudden dawning that losing you would be a disaster, but it will give you a good idea of what it will be like to go it alone. You are going it alone anyway if he is away that much and out almost every other night. I think it will stop you feeling powerless, which is the feeling underlying your sadness.

What would he say if you sat him down and say 'I feel I've lost you, lost us?'

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Can I just say, as a generic aside, that 'booking a therapist' or 'getting counselling' is so right, but so effing impossible unless you're loaded, both of you want to or, frankly, you can actually find someone who is any damn good.

MNHQ has the power and good reason to create a Topic on here providing a list of counsellors in each county/town recommended by people on here and why, (ie what issues they were helped with) including contact details and cost of such counsellors etc - so that 'getting therapy' isn't such a bloody expensive and often hopeless mistake. There's another thread going about narcissists for example and how most counsellors or therapists now jack shit about such a PD.

[Mumsyblouse]

I've reread your OP, and basically, he thinks you are a junior employee of his, which is why you have to do everything to his timetable and he gets cross if you are ill. He no longer sees you as an equal or important :( You need to restore the power balance, this isn't working.

[RandomMess]

UnlikelyAmazonian very very valid points!

I got our therapist recommended to us from someone who works in that sort of area.

Financially it's been a struggle, but cheaper than divorce and maintaining 2 seperate homes.

I currently see a counsellor on my own via the NHS and OMG we just don't "gel"... he doesn't get me at all!

[tribpot]

I'm assuming from your narrative that this change of attitude accompanied your (joint) decision for you to become a SAHM? In the previous 9 years of marriage he didn't assume everything was on his terms? Or in hindsight, do you feel one of the pressures on you to become a SAHM was actually because you were having to do everything on his terms, and it was just less pronounced when you both had the constraints of work to work around?

Being (unusually) charitable, based on some threads on MN, there seems to be a pattern of diminishing the non-working partner that some spouses fall into (learned behaviour from childhood? Our subconscious measurement of our success as human beings based on our income?). You owe it to yourself and to him to see if he's just fallen into lazy thinking rather than being an out and out shitbag.

You absolutely do not have to live like this. But that doesn't have to mean your marriage is over.

[tribpot]

Btw I posted the above before I read your comment Dh was my best friend and now knows exactly how to exploit my weaknesses so I just don't feel that I can trust people. What does this mean, OP?

[solidgoldbrass]

Firstly, your life is NOT 'as good as it gets'. You are a human being and deserve to be treated as a human being, not something that's somewhere between domestic appliance and domestic pet. There are men out there who are capable of percieving women as human, sure - but if there isn't one handy, it's better to be on your own than with one who considers you a lesser creature than him.

Secondly, it's fine to tell him to treat you better or get out. He's not more powerful than you, he's not your owner, he's just another human being. And if he's worth keeping, he will address his own behaviour if that's making you unhappy.

[Moanranger]

I have been married nearly 25 years and never ONCE did I consider giving up my career and it has been the salvation of me, the best example for my DC and given me parity at all times with my DP. Get back to work, even if it COSTS you - (on soapbox for mo..) why there is this current trend for women to fantasise about finding well-paid hubby and quitting work beats me. Yah, childcare is a hassle ( I could write a book..) but self-esteem is priceless.

[Chubfuddler]

Your op made it sound like your husband is being thoughtless and your relationship has got a bit lost in the humdrum of family life. What you said later makes it sound like he is deliberately cruel. Which is it do you think? Because if it's intentional cruelty my advice would be very different (and along lines of LTB) to what it would be if it's thoughtlessness (what AF said).