Contact arrangements when STBXH lives 3hr drive away

[duffybeatmetoit]

Just been dumped by DH who has moved 3hrs away. DD is 5. I have no experience of contact arrangements and what is reasonable. DD will be living with me but financially/practically he won't be able to travel every weekend. I can't afford the petrol to take her to him.

Any experiences or suggestions as to what would be reasonable? How do you manage Xmas, birthdays etc when such a distance is involved?

He won't discuss with me the reasons for wanting to separate, all I know is that he thinks it's permanent and not a trial. I don't want to let her stay with him until he has talked to me about what's going on and discussed future arrangements but is that reasonable?

I'm assuming that there will turn out to be an OW, can I insist that he doesn't play happy families unless I know about it?

Advice much appreciated.

[duffybeatmetoit]

bump

[zxcv123]

Hi. I'm sure you must be reeling from shock right now and keen to know the answers to your questions. It must be maddening that your H is refusing to talk to you about it. Although it's hard, try your best to keep this pain separate from the issue of contact with your DD. The guiding principle that all courts work by (and that you should work by to, even if you don't go to court) is: do whatever is in the best interests of your DD.

Assuming there's no violence/abuse, it will be in your DD's best interest to maintain a good, solid relationship with her father. If he lived round the corner from you, he could ask for up to 50% care. The fact that he's moved himself 3 hrs away means that this will not be possible. Many non-resident parents who live at a distance from their DCs seem to manage every other weekend and up to half the holidays. Christmases and birthdays are always a bit tricky. If you are amicable, some families manage to come together on those days; others share the time so that one year is spent with Mum and the following year spent with Dad. Some people go to court and get their arrangements approved by the courts; other people just muddle through and make arrangements between themselves. Whatever works well for your DD is fine, and you may well find that arrangements need to change as time goes on and your DD grows up.

Some NRPs always travel to visit their DCs (at their own cost), other parents split the travelling 50/50, some even meet in a motorway service station half way to transfer the DCs. (I've done this & I wouldn't recommend it personally, it feels a bit grim).

At age 5 your DD is plenty old enough to stay overnight at her father's. I'm afraid that you cannot dictate whether he has his OW there or not. As long as she's safe and happy that's all that counts really.

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet? Make sure you get the right amount of maintenance from your H and speak to the child tax credit people too. The fact that you are now a single parent might make a difference to that.

[CinnamonPreztel]

My ds is 4, his father lives 3 hours away. Ds has been staying with him for 4 days a month in one go. However now he is starting school this will not be possible so ex has him for 1 weekend a month, 2 when he can afford the petrol. We alternate christmas', and ds spends birthdays with me but ex is always welcome to join us and he has done a couple of times. I hugely recommend Skype. My ds gets anxious when going to his dads I think the time in between visits is too long and so he needs contact throughout the week. Skype is great as they can see one another/play games etc. Good luck!

[duffybeatmetoit]

Thanks for the advice. Had a bad evening with DD as she has been talking about finding ways to make her daddy come back and live with us again. These ranged from being very naughty to hurting herself. Crying her eyes out and needing loads of cuddling. The line that daddy is working away doesn't suffice anymore.

He's not good at putting her needs first so it is going to be a struggle to get him to commit to keeping to arrangements.

[duffybeatmetoit]

zxcv Haven't spoken to solicitor yet as until I hear more from him I don't know where this is heading. As he's not talking to me at all I can't sort contact out either. Before this all happened he took her away camping for a couple of nights but admitted leaving her sleeping alone in the tent whilst he went for some beers. He had a vague arrangement that someone else would keep an ear out for her but I worry about him doing this again and something happening. She could all too easily wake up and find herself alone and set off to find him and get lost and scared.

Cinnamon does your ds happily chat on skype/phone? DD often can't wait to stop talking so that she can do something else instead. I don't want to force her to stay talking in case it makes her even more reluctant to talk.

[zxcv123]

Oh yes, if he's not pushing you for contact then you can just let things be for the moment. I suppose I was thinking more of what you could do, over the long-term.

Could you contact him and say that your DD is upset and needs to have some certainty around what is happening? You should both really speak to her together if at all possible (putting on a united front). I read some books at the time, and they all seemed to recommend making sure that she understands that although you two have split up, you still both very much love her and will remain in her life. At age 5 she will probably have some very basic questions around where Daddy will live, will she have a bedroom there, can she bring her toys with her, will she stay at the same school etc. As she grows up, she may question why the two of you split and it is best to have agreed as unhurtful/unemotional party line as possible (even if this is not necessarily the truth.) I went along with: well, do you remember when you were 4 and you really, really liked Bob the Builder and now that you are 5 you don't like Bob the Builder anymore, but prefer the Tweenies instead? Well the same thing has happened to Daddy and me. We used to really like the same things and now we don't, so we've decided we would all be happier living apart (...said through gritted teeth, but it seemed to do the trick!)

If you google it, I'm sure you can find books written for your DD's age about parents separating. They might help put her mind at rest a bit.

We've tried Skype over the years, but at 5 I agree it's tricky to get them to talk much on the phone. It all seemed a bit artificial at that age, easier when they get older I would say.

You say it's going to be a struggle to get her father to commit to keeping arrangements. You'll find this is a very common problem for many of us single mums! The best advice I can give is to encourage her father to make arrangements, but don't tell your DD about them until you are certain he is on his way. That way if he doesn't turn up for whatever reason, even though inwardly you'll be annoyed, your DD won't be upset. I never, ever rely on my XH turning up - even when he's supposed to be taking them on holiday - I always have a back up plan. If he changes arrangements at the last minute, we just go out and enjoy our day.

[duffybeatmetoit]

He's told her he's coming tomorrow - not me. MIL told me he was coming. God knows how it will go.

[porcamiseria]

Oh OP, I felt so sad reading about your DD

I dont know enough to advise, one massive question for me is, is he a good Dad usually? as if yes, lets the courts arrange and be open to it

do you have money? or dependant on him?

good luck , and good advice from zxcv123

[skyebluesapphire]

My STBXH decided the marriage was over and walked out. It is a huge shock, no prior discussion, he just went.....

DD 4yo found it very difficult. Five months on, she knows that he lives somewhere else, but she still says things to me - most recently was "I dont love you any more until Daddy comes back". She also seems to think that when he (finally) moves into his own place out of his friends house, that we are all going to live there.

I just give her lots of cuddles and keep telling her that I love her and that Daddy loves her, but Daddy lives in his own house now.

On the plus side, me and her are so close now, its lovely

[duffybeatmetoit]

Skye - I see you are exactly in the same boat. DD tried to hide all the car keys this morning so that nobody could go anywhere. He just says that she's not enough to make him stay.

I can't do this happy families bit when he thinks so little of me. He's made it clear that there is no future.

[Offred]

What zxcv123 says is good about what to tell your dd but, and I know this sounds horrible, if you are not sure it is the truth I.e. that you both lover her and will continue to be in her life then I would not recommend telling her that. I know if my DH and I split I would be able to tell the twins that and mean it, we would be able to and happy to share childcare. However it simply isn't true about my ds and dd's dad and I have always struggled with what to tell them because actually I'm not sure he really loves them, I know he doesn't want to be a father to them and he often let's them down. I think telling them lies wouldn't help.

[Offred]

I keep saying it but I think you need to get the ball rolling and apply for mediation to discuss contact and your concerns about dd's safety in his care. If he has moved away and you are concerned about her safety I don't see how he could expect to take her for long periods 3 hours away from her home.

Re: an ow. Contact should always be child orientated. It isn't best from children to be introduced to every gf/ow. What your dd needs is some time to adjust to her daddy and mummy in their new roles and lives and this is much better to do without any playing happy families crap which actually will just make dd upset and angry with her dad/ow most likely and therefore you by proxy. Her dad needs to focus on building his relationship with her first before he introduces ow. The only way it would be reasonable to insist ow sees dd is if dd was staying in her home for the contact visits but other than that it is perfectly reasonable to expect that for now he focuses on seeing dd and doesn't bring an ow along to contact visits until she has adjusted and until he is sure that the relationship is a stable one so it doesn't cause upheaval to dd if it goes wrong.

I have made this argument successfully in family court when my xp moved into ow's home although he was over the road practically not 3 hours away.

[CinnamonPreztel]

No ds does not talk happily, he would rather be playing with trains! So what we do is we speak with each other on Skype and wait for ds to join in. This typically works for us, I will say "Hi daddy what have you done today?" etc etc. He will be on speakerphone/skype so ds can hear and eventually he comes along to find out more/share his stories. Sometimes i will say "Well me and ds did...." or bring up ds in some way "ds ate..." and he will come to elaborate. If he's still not participating maybe I act "silly" and give wrong information so ds comes along to correct me "ds ate ice cream for dinner" queue ds coming along saying "no I didn't I had pasta!" and then prompting conversation :p

[skyebluesapphire]

My STBXH suggested that I could take DD to him sometimes as I live in a "shit place to get to" (the place that he lived in before I met him and he remained in quite happily for a further ten years with me)

In mediation the subject came up. I said NO WAY. He looked at the mediator and said "see what she's like"...... The mediator said I can see you have strong feelings about this. I said yes, he left the family home, he walked out on me, he moved 30 minutes away. He can damn well come and collect his daughter. Ive been left with a £700 a month mortgage to pay. I cant afford the diesel to run around with our DD when its his access and his responsibility to get her.

i did collect her from him tonight as I was passing through his town anyway. He texted me to say thank you for picking her up. I said it was only because I was passing through and texted back to say thanks anyway, I still appreciate it.......

Arsehole.

He talked about moving 3 hours away to Wales at one point. I said you need to think of DD and stay closer to home. I would certainly not be driving her halfway to Wales.....

[omfgkillmenow]

I live an hour away (I moved) and we do the meeting up halfway thing but she was 8 and mature for her age, now she is 16 i make her get the bus to the halfway point.