Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How often do you argue? What is normal?

(50 Posts)
Nc4567 Tue 28-Aug-12 21:09:45

Just that, really. What is normal in a relationship?

We never argue. Disagreements are worked out through talking. I never thought I'd be in a relationship like this - it certainly wasn't the one modelled by my parents.

LST Wed 29-Aug-12 06:39:38

We raise voices, scream, shout and swear when DS isn't in. But we bicker most days. I'm a 'nag' and he's lazy. We always go to bed happy though smile

Lovestosing Wed 29-Aug-12 09:22:45

When we first got together we were very young and I'm ashamed to say that I loved the drama of a big argument, so we were either all over each other or shouting, although mostly the former. Neither of us have the energy for shouting matches anymore, we bicker a few times a week, probably have a mini fall out once a month but make up quite quickly and have a big blow out once or twice a year now. We love each other a lot but I have a quick temper and I'm overly defensive and DH is quite snappy and grumpy at times so it does lead to arguments. We're happy with the way things are. Yes, we solve and converse rationally most of the time but when we argue it can help resolve issues too. No harm in it I say!

MolatovBomb Wed 29-Aug-12 09:28:57

Ive been with DH for 12 years; we've been married for 4 years. We don't argue much, but it does increase in frequency if one or both of us are stressed. Even then, we don't scream and shout. Our tendency is to get snippy with each-other, then one will say something like 'what's the matter?' then we'll talk about what's really up.

I hate to see him upset. He's better once he's talked (so am I).

headinhands Wed 29-Aug-12 09:33:01

Two proper arguments in 11 years but even then it's me being the arm wavy/plastic bowl throwing drama lama. He just stood there looking all sensible and confused. Nothing takes the wind out of my sails quicker!

We do disagree and have heated discussions but they're never abusive and it seems we're equally careful not to hurt each others feelings. And we don't end the conversation until we are both satisfied. I have no idea if it's normal or not but it would take some convincing that there's something unhealthy about how we communicate.

My previous LT relationship was very volatile. Maybe I have just grown up?

bubalou Wed 29-Aug-12 09:36:21

We bicker - but almost always in a jokey way and that's about 2 x a month.

Think we have 1 'argument' a year.

We genuinely get on very well and don't keep much from each other as I find we work best as a couple this way.

It used to be more when we weren't maybe as happy as we are now or when DS was younger and I was even more tired etc.

Sometimes a proper fight is good.

NC4321 Wed 29-Aug-12 13:32:54

it does depend on whaat else is going on. Me and DH argue a lot but that's because we have a child and he never helps me with him in the mornings and I am very sleep deprived which makes me feel resentful. he thinks I am negative all lthe time (which I can be) but a lot of it is me trying to explain why things he has done are just not workable. There's a lot of 'but i did this for you so why are you complaining that I didn't do that' in our house sad

I guess it's bickering but nothing ever seems to get resolved so it feels like one big long argument.

FunnysInLaJardin Wed 29-Aug-12 13:42:08

we rarely argue and don't bicker at all which is the most soul destroying ways to argue IMO.

We have been together for 24 years and argue most likely about once a year. We have learned how to head them off, but sometimes if we are both tired we just have to get it over with.

bubalou Wed 29-Aug-12 14:03:59

When I say bicker 'funnysinlajardin' I mean a 30 second bicker - back and forth joking / stick pointing about how he let the recycling build up.

A bickers not that bad. I think I know the type confused

HazleNutt Wed 29-Aug-12 14:16:14

What is arguing or a fight for you? I was just reading a magazine article where they asked the same question and in one couple, the woman said they never argue; the man said that oh, about 10 times per week.

QuietTiger Wed 29-Aug-12 14:51:00

DH & I don't argue, but we have the odd "frank discussion" where I'm being hormonal, unreasonable and irrational due to pregnancy which usually is caused by me exploding over something stupid that's upset me.

We might disagree over something, but as a rule, we discuss it calmly and reach a compromise. We don't tend to bicker, never, ever "row" and always try to resolve the problem there and then. We also never go to bed angry.

slipperandpjsmum Wed 29-Aug-12 15:04:01

I suppose it depends upon personality types. Some people are more fiery that others and will argue more but don't think its a reflection of the health of a relationship. There are lots of ways to fall out. I have a friend who doesn't speak to her dh for a week which I would hate!

We argue less now that we are older - maybe we are just too tired these days!!

ThePieWhoLovedMe Wed 29-Aug-12 15:27:42

Never had a row/argument/name calling/ shouting - with DH (been together 12 years).

Very occasionally he will piss me off and I just tell him.

Headagainstwall Wed 29-Aug-12 15:42:50

With my ex, constantly. I used to say I hated all the arguing and he would insist that everyone argued all the time, that it was normal, and I was oversensitive for not liking it.

With my DH, about 3 times in 6 years. Much better.

Ex used to use eastenders as an example of normal people arguing. Ha. Who the fuck wants to mirror eastenders?!

I always used to feel that I had never recovered from the previous argument & nasty things said, before the next one started. He always got over it very quickly so didn't see a problem. Everyone's different, I suppose.

HecateHarshPants Wed 29-Aug-12 15:47:50

Depends what you mean by argue. If you mean disagree on an issue and exchange views and attempt to reach agreement - then lots.

If you mean toe to toe screaming at each other, or personal insults - then never.

Everyone is different. It's how you feel about it that matters. Some people scream at each other every day and feel ok about it. Others don't.

OliveandJim Wed 29-Aug-12 16:31:04

I'm from a Latin culture where shouting and arguing is perfectly acceptable. My parents argued all the time and what I learned as a child is that winning the argument or being right is not important but saving the relationship is much more important so I also witnessed every argument ending up either in laughter (my parents laughing at their own stupidity) or with one of them saying sorry you're right to the other.
DP hates shouting and arguing and he doesn't know how to resolve conflict because he was brought up to avoid it like the plague. I shout a lot less since I'm with him but I do give in alot more just to save our relationship. I say loads of Of course darling and I miss make up sex...

ouryve Wed 29-Aug-12 16:38:21

We bicker about little things and tend to express mild annoyance quite frequently (actually, I think it's me what does most of that!) but we don't have big arguments. Probably because things don't get to fester or escalate, which is good because with 2 kids with SN and some pretty challenging behaviour of their own, we can't afford to waste mental emotional energy on being unreasonable with each other. Grievances have to be sorted out as a matter of priority.

BerylStreep Wed 29-Aug-12 22:40:03

We argue too much, and I hate it. I often say to myself, and my DH, that this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life, and there have been times when I have told him I long for a divorce. sad

We average about one really screaming shouty argument once a year, (although there have been times when it is more) but there are squabbles almost every other day, sometimes more than once a day.

It definitely has an effect on the closeness of our relationship. We get on and try to raise our DC as best we can, but there is very little intimacy left.

summerintherosegarden Thu 30-Aug-12 00:07:18

Maybe once every few months - always over the same things - but we both hate it, so after a few minutes of arguing one of us will be the bigger person and apologise and it'll be over immediately. No holding grudges, no leaving the room/going to bed angry.

summerintherosegarden Thu 30-Aug-12 00:09:16

Beryl - sad - is there any way you can pre-empt the arguments and avoid them? There are certain topics that I know will get me riled up (DH is very placid, not easy to get him riled up, so I know that I'm the one that creates any tension) so if I can feel myself getting into an argumentative state I try to remove myself from the situation...is there any way that could work for you?

BerylStreep Thu 30-Aug-12 09:08:58

Summer, I don't know. Recently DH is the one who has been very argumentative - he sees it as 'standing up to me'.

After he tried to start yet another row this morning, I have told him that all he is doing is hammering another nail in the coffin that is our marriage. I have told him I no longer love him, and I am not going to live my life like this anymore.

It's a shame, because other than the crap state of our relationship, we have quite a nice life - 2 lovely DC, financially stable, good friends, lovely house, and a lot of the time we can be amicable. For me, there's just no love left, it has been slowly eroded away. Probably as much my doing as his, to be fair. sad

whatsthehurry Thu 30-Aug-12 09:19:36

Shouting arguing - no, but when I have done or said something inappropriate (which most of the time is unknown to me), I get sent to Coventry for 2 - 3 days - I merrily carry on chatting and as usual, but very little comes back. Then slowly, it returns to normal. Sometimes I have to ask what I have done wrong - it's always me - and then at least I know the reason for being blanked.
Every time I tell myself that this can't go on, but on it goes. Really at the end of the road now, and realising it will never change - a real confidence destroyer as every time I open my mouth, I wonder whether I've put my foot in it again.

summerintherosegarden Thu 30-Aug-12 11:36:34

I really am sorry to hear that Beryl. I am young; my marriage is still pretty new, so I can't really offer any advice, but I hope that between the two of you, you figure out a solution that works for you both and your DC, even if that is separation/divorce.

QuietTiger Fri 31-Aug-12 14:54:06

whatsthehurry it is not "always you", it is your OH being a twat. What you describe is emotional abuse - you never knowing what the "ground rules" are, wondering if you are right or wrong all the time, being "punished" for what someone else perceives as "inappropriate"...

If you OH loved and respected you, he wouldn't be treating you like this. To put it into perspective, if I "offend" my DH, he'll tell me that I've upset him and then either give me a chance to "defend my action" (e.g. I said no to someone after he had said yes, so undermined him, but I did it because I knew the bigger picture and once I explained, he was OK) or to "say sorry" because it was my fault (e.g. when I said something that embarrassed him in front of his friend). I do similar with him, we have good communication and that's how it should be. Everyone makes "mistakes", but in a good relationship, you know what they are straight away - you are not walking on eggshells all the time.

cantmakecarrotcake Fri 31-Aug-12 15:31:59

We never argue. We might raise issues that bother us, but it never ends up being shouty.

Both of us are pretty laid back though and fairly self aware. I know full well when I'm being hormonal or unreasonable and just seethe in silence until I'm being more rational - only then do I actually say something and I'm able to do it calmly and with a sense of humour (many a true thing said in jest).

It helps that a) I have a 'housetrained' DH (thank you MiL) b) we have similar thresholds for dirt/mess and we have a cleaner and c) we have our finances set up in a way that suits us both very well.

I'm ashamed to say I do snap at toddler DD though, but that's because we're both frustrated. At that point I leave the room and get DH to take over.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now