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How often do you argue? What is normal?

(50 Posts)
Nc4567 Tue 28-Aug-12 21:09:45

Just that, really. What is normal in a relationship?

What do you consider an arguement? DH and I (together for 9 years, married for 6) have never ever had a screaming match, we have never sworn at each other or shouted any abuse, and very very rarely raised our voices at each other.
When we disagree, we talk calmly, both hearing what the other says, but often we agree to disagree!

dranksinatra Tue 28-Aug-12 21:15:42

Argued a handfull of times in over ten years.

LemarchandsBox Tue 28-Aug-12 21:16:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow Tue 28-Aug-12 21:53:11

Depressingly, I think it is HOW you argue.

Arguing in my house is completely futile. His immediate reaction is 'no, it isn't'.
Then we have to argue about the definition.

It is a power struggle which he must win, and I never realised.

Proudnscary Tue 28-Aug-12 21:55:40

Yes I think it's not about how frequently but in what way - and what the atmosphere's like and how you related to each other and speak to each other.

But in answer to your question, we have about two massive shouting matches a year, one or two angry arguments a month with no shouting and about two fairly good natured squabbles a week...!

Offred Tue 28-Aug-12 22:02:43

We have never had an argument in more than 4 years. I think normal is pointless. Healthy is the question and healthy will depend on who you are as people and how you interact.

Kaluki Tue 28-Aug-12 22:08:58

We have had about 4 major arguments in our time together. One about an ex gf who wouldn't bugger off and the others about the kids
They aren't big shouty arguments - and we always made up straight after.
We've both been in bad relationships before and don't want to argue so only do it when we really have to iyswim grin

Badgerina Tue 28-Aug-12 22:09:06

DH and I used to argue a fair bit, but I was in therapy and since I've made progress, and completed 2 years (grin) it has really helped us enormously. The arguments weren't about "us" they were about childhood ishoos and trauma.

These days, we bicker but are good natured and humorous about it. If we shout (which we sometimes do and really there is nothing wrong with shouting!) we always talk to DS about why feeling angry and shouting is ok. He knows that even when you shout and feel angry, there is still love and always "a way back" by calming down, communicating and helping each other, lovingly.

Kayano Tue 28-Aug-12 22:12:16

Mainly bickering

Argue maybe 6 times a year? Every other month(ish) ?

But we take the piss out of each other relentlessly. I tell him I don't need
To iron his clothes because his belly pulls the creases out, he tells
Me I need to put my belt
On with a boomerang etc etc blushgrin

Kayano Tue 28-Aug-12 22:14:36

One time we had a massive fight and he punched a hole in the door. He didn't hit it that hard but it was a 70s plywood job

blush I'm ashamed
To say it but I was very excited by this as I had wanted new doors For ages and we got the whole downstairs Doors done lol

That was about 6 years ago though

Annunziata Tue 28-Aug-12 22:19:11

DH and I bicker all the time and 'fall out' at least once a week. But we very rarely properly argue.

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 28-Aug-12 22:20:10

I'm not sure we have ever had "an argument". We do sarcasm, taking the piss and a bit of light bickering.

axure Tue 28-Aug-12 22:30:50

Used to have massive ding-dongs all the time when we were younger and under more stress cos not much money etc.Have both mellowed with age and have a rational discussion about things, which is much better.

Ratata Tue 28-Aug-12 23:20:54

5 years and zero arguments. We don't agree on everything but if we don't then we just talk about it and come up with a solution. We have both had blazing arguments when we were in past relationships. Both hated it. Then found each other and were so relieved that nothing is an argument. Neither of us believe that arguing is a good thing, blazing rows etc. Maybe it works for some but not us.

Just my 2 cents...

Nc4567 Tue 28-Aug-12 23:24:47

Just sick of arguments, but trying to work outif I am being over sensitive...

recall Tue 28-Aug-12 23:27:03

About 4 times a year with minis about twice a month, and little snappy outbursts, once a week

recall Tue 28-Aug-12 23:31:00

Nc i think that arguments are reasonable, a chance to communicate honestly, and a sign that we both care enough to thrash it out. We will argue, then keep our distance for an hour, then bump into each other and start sniggering

megandraper Tue 28-Aug-12 23:34:00

No arguments here (married 5 years) - we do disagree about things, but don't get het up about it. I do do grumpy snapping sometimes though (when short of sleep, harassed by DCs etc.) but he doesn't rise to it.

howdoo Tue 28-Aug-12 23:34:34

Like others, have never had an actual screaming match. We don't argue often but when we do, we are (obv) annoyed at the time. But we are BOTH pretty good at saying sorry (I learnt it off him TBH), and they are proper apologies nowadays (my DH used to say "I am sorry that you were upset" until I set him straight that this was passive/aggressive nonsense and not an apology!)

It's helpful if you can work out what is really bothering you, IYSWIM, as it's often not the thing you're rowing about. Try not to get personal - you can never take it back.

Maybe try the whole, you talk and then I talk thing?

Not helpful I know, but an awful lot of people just really want to say their point again and again, and are crap at listening. This is where an I'm sorry can go a long way to diffusing anger...

Dryjuice25 Wed 29-Aug-12 00:56:11

Everyday we are under the same roof. But these arguments are futile so now i tend to walk away to cool down or conserve energy.

I hate it. But I get drawn in by dh acute disregard for common decency and respectful behaviour towards me or dcs.

BadLad Wed 29-Aug-12 03:57:32

So far no arguments as such. DW is very practical and says her piece without saying anything intended solely to hurt, which makes solving problems much easier.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 29-Aug-12 04:55:00

Depends what you define as an argument. I remember visiting an exBF's family and his parents bickered quite forcefully all the time. I referred to it as arguing, as to my ear it was. He said 'that's not arguing, that's the way they talk, arguing is quite different'. There was a lot of low level bitterness and resentment in their relationship and this habit had formed. It was disagreement, expressed in a way that suggested they only tolerated each other. If that's not argument it still isn't something I'd want to live with and struck me as one big, ongoing argument about their mutual dissatisfaction (until they split up after 30+ years over an affair he had).

I find similar things with some friends who are (to my ears) constantly rude and sarcastic to each other, which I think is much worse than arguing about something and resolving it. They'd probably see it as a normal way of speaking to other people.

GnomeDePlume Wed 29-Aug-12 05:16:15

Over 20 years married here. We dont agree about everything and also recognise that we both have things we are less than rational about.

Agree with others that it is the way you argue but I also think you have to look at whether either of you provoke arguments. Not provoking arguments isnt the same as walking on egg shells.

Boobz Wed 29-Aug-12 06:08:49

2 or 3 proper blow outs a year I reckon (normally hormone related - have been pregnant or breast feeding with 3 children for nearly 4 years now).

1 very angry argument probably every 3 months.

And 2 or 3 disagreements followed by death stare but then everything is normal 30 seconds later, in a week I should think.

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