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Are you staying in a relationship for the sake of the kids?

(15 Posts)
CordeliaStarling Mon 27-Aug-12 20:25:26

If you get along ok and their are no arguments or violence can it work? I feel certain that there are lots of couples who wouldnt be together if they didnt have dc.

SoSoMamanBebe Tue 28-Aug-12 08:54:44

There are and I was one of them. Now I am happy with my family and my children are happy too. DH and I probably get on better than most.

Helltotheno Tue 28-Aug-12 10:01:43

It's absolutely possible. Plenty of people do it and do it successfully.

whatdoithinknow Tue 28-Aug-12 10:53:25

Am interested in this thread as have just posted in OTBT about similar thing...doesn't it get you people down though having loveless relationship when you could be with someone who gives you that feeling? But then i totally get that that person will not be your childrens father so he wont be giving them that totally adored feeling will he...oh its very hard, not sure what is best really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-Aug-12 11:05:18

I'm sure there are thousands of couples staying together for the children and sacrificing their own needs for companionship or affection in the process. There must be a big bubble in the divorce stats after the kids leave home. Whilst I'm sure it 'happens' therefore, I think that's a long way from saying it 'works'.

SoSoMamanBebe Tue 28-Aug-12 11:12:39

What's OTBT?

But it's not 'care' less. The big change for me was seeing couples who i thought were madly in love, shagging and touching all the time who were not able to cope with some basic challenges and then realised that my husband is a very sensible, reliable sort with a great sense of humour and I'm pragmatic too. Ergo, we co-habit really well. Our kids give us so much joy that just because I don't fancy him (sadly a terribly lay and after a decade i just cannot be arsed any more) does not mean that i don't like living with him and sharing the child rearing.

Yes, I sacrifice a passionate lovelife but, and in a recent stroke of luck, the man that caused me to contemplate leaving my DH many moons ago recently made his first ever move and it was the most god awful text i have ever got. He plummeted in my estimation as he sounded like a teenager. I wish i could have shown it to my younger self when all i felt was a lightening bolt.

FussArse Tue 28-Aug-12 11:13:05

I know of 2 couples who stayed together until their kids went to uni and then split. It was amicable. In 1 couple, both dated discretely (each partner aware of it). In the other couple there was no dating until after the split (and still hasn't been afaik). 1 of the wives recently told me that it hit her kids very hard even though it was amicable and they were at uni.

FussArse Tue 28-Aug-12 11:15:12

I know another couple who should have divorced but are staying together until the youngest leaves. I would say they are causing far more harm to their kids than good by doing so. The screaming, fighting and verbal abuse in their house is tragic.

Athendof Tue 28-Aug-12 11:31:13

I couldn't sorry, despite the fact I had a very good friendship with the ex, we could laugh our heads off and both enjoyed the company of our child.

I tried to do it for 6 - 7 years, I felt totally dead inside. We decided to end it before we got to the point of resenting each other presence so much made things got ugly.

I have not found another man I want to settle with and had a horrendous time during the divorce process but even so, I look back at those years playing happy families with a man I no longer loved, and I cannot believe the diference, it feels as if the sun has come out.

whatdoithinknow Tue 28-Aug-12 12:18:36

Off the beaten track soso... I dont know what to do for the best really. Sometimes i think we can make it work and that the bad times are due to tieredness or stress but i worry that its much more, and i dont want to get half way through my life and have huge regrets. Also i suspect he is also only staying for the sake of seeing his DD as much as poss which makes me feel crap as I am quite sensitive and i pick up on lots of little things which make me feel less than appreciated sad

CremeEggThief Tue 28-Aug-12 13:55:13

I did for four years. No arguments, verbal abuse or any other nasty stuff. I honestly believed it was more important for DS to have two parents together than to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't desperately unhappy most of the time, more unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

What happened? He left me for an O.W. in June. It hurts like hell and I'm very upset about how badly things ended.

But I don't miss him one bit and I hope one day I can trust enough to try to meet someone who makes me happy and puts me first. In a nutshell, I feel I did the wrong thing staying with him, albeit for the right reasons.

Athendof Tue 28-Aug-12 16:32:01

And one thing more, I apologise in advance as some people may find it rude, you don't need to reply with your thoughts on the matter if you don't feel like it, but... I have noticed that most people that say tgey are staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children, are actually staying because they are afraid of change.

Because believe me, it takes quite a lot of courage to take the plunge and start a life as a lone parent. I was also in that frane of mind until I realised that I had been living my life taking one day at a time for several years, today I have lot of worries, before I felt dead.

Feckbox Tue 28-Aug-12 22:49:01

I think many who stay because of the kids mean, so they can both be around their kids all the time. Not really because the kids want it

Athendof Fri 31-Aug-12 13:48:46

I tend to disagree... It is the fear of raising children alone especially if either parent has been staying at home and doesn't have a reliable income to depend on.

To be honest I don't blame them, I was in the same position for a long time. i thought I was the only one, but now that I am divorced I have found it surprising to have so many people tell me that they are only staying because they don't want themselves and children to be poor, which I can testify is a very very valid concern.

So I resent it a bit when people get onto their high horse saying they are doing it for the children, when in fact they are staying out of fear. TBH, if you really care about the children you wouldn't want him to grow thinking that a loveless marriage, or, an abusive relationship is "normal" and what is to be expected.

I understand however, that there are some very loving and good marriages where "passion" is not a very important part of the relationship, and as long as both parents are happy with the situation, that is not a problem or a reason to split.

Mumarch Tue 11-Sep-12 16:13:44

I had to get my husband out of the house, although I think I am still in love with him on some level. Mysterious condition makes him live in a state of denial about real life, has not had a job for years, and yet hypercritical, hypocrite, very very moody, horrible to youngest child, snappy and rude, and so demanding. Reached crisis point - he would not take any medical intervention seriously - been apart now for 2 years, him living stress free life at mother and sister's expense. Me taking all responsibility as usual, but without having to deal with him as well. Lonely yes, but much easier. Just wish the after effects of all the stress would lessen - panic attacks are horrible. I don't hope much, but do wish he would at least explore the idea that behaving like an arse for many years, whatever the reason and not helped by long standing cannabis dependence, was what ended his marriage, not my getting him to leave.

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