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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time :-)

(993 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Sat 25-Aug-12 17:42:34

This is my new thread - title thanks to tribpot

Links to my previous threads for my own information.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 18:57:52

new thread for those of you lovely people who are still interested in my pathetic life, lol

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 18:10:47

Anybody can post here and nobody that doesn't want to read your thread has to. There's a breadth of life experience on MN and lots of posters have cheered you on and you've usually been receptive to people's ideas. If you fancy staying here in Relationships why not.

You can vent here, what was that film tagline years' ago? In space no-one can hear you scream Well they're generally a nice nest of vipers not aliens, tell us where you'll be.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 17:48:51

It looks a bit lonely over there, no traffic, lol.

maybe i'll have just one more thread here to get me through christmas lol

Midwife99 Tue 11-Dec-12 17:36:39

Maybe post in Separation & Divorce?

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 13:28:02

lol. Thanks. I will have to think where is best to "live" now, lol.

I, too, will follow the continued heroic adventures of Skye and Mini-Skye as they conquer 2013 - just chuck us a link to the new thread. smile

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 11:13:58

thanks smile

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 10:43:44

thanks for you, chin up.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 10:42:44

They won't chuck you off Relationships if you're posting here next time I don't imagine. It's all about support... Lone Parent? I don't know how much traffic Divorce/Separation gets but where you go I'll follow (sounds sappy but YKWIM).

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 10:29:26

mm. I was thinking about what to do next for my thread.... I suppose I shouldn't stay here as Im not in a relationship any more..... If I go to Chat it will disappear in 30 days or something......

so what should I do? I still need support :-(

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 10:25:10

If he didn't act like Dad-of-the-year when he does do something, suspect it wouldn't grate on Skye as much.

Soon be another full thread Skye you'll be thinking up a new title! Will you stay in this topic section?

You can ask the school to make sure he gets a copy of any letters etc. Takes you out of the equation Skye. x

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 10:14:13

I wasn't saying that he did anything wrong with that, but as usual, it was me that checked that he had read the newsletter and knew when the play was, it was me that picked up a form for him to get a ticket. he then didnt show up for the weekend due to his illness, so didnt get the form, so I emailed him and told him to ring the school to get a ticket. so I did all that and he sends me a message saying that he managed to get a ticket, making it sound like it was a real effort.....

He hasn't seen her for the past two Wednesdays due to his work.... so I am pleased that he is seeing her this week as he hasn't seen her for a fortnight now.

My counsellor said that I shouldnt have done any of that as its down to him to sort himself out now, but if he had missed the play because I didnt tell him when it was, it would have been all my fault sad despite the fact that everything is in the newsletter, if he doesnt bother to read it, its my fault for not telling him stuff.

Midwife99 Tue 11-Dec-12 07:13:10

I think it's great that he has a ticket for her play & will then take her out afterwards. I don't really understand what he did wrong with that? Could you try for MS's sake to be more accepting of his attempts to be a loving father?

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 21:07:45

this is where it all becomes so awkward, because although he shouted a lot about his equal rights over MS, when it boils down to it, he only wants to see her if it doesnt disturb his life...... which is totally selfish.... he also chose to move 20 miles away, when he could have stayed nearby (glad he didnt though, would hate to keep bumping into him)...

he text tonight that he has "managed" to get a ticket for her play on Weds so he will see her in that and then take her afterwards. Im glad he "managed" to get a ticket. It is soooooo hard to pick up the phone isn't it.......

I've lost that desperate feeling again, my hormones definitely have a lot to answer for... I don't know if the anti d's have made it worse.....

I remember that i always used to tell XH when I was due on because I get really bad PMT so I would warn him. So if I was a bit stressy or snappy, he would know why.... but he used to react stressy if I was stressy and then I would think, well I've got PMT, what's your excuse?!

AutumnNowBleakMidwinter Mon 10-Dec-12 19:03:34

You make very valid points Xales, and in an ideal world that`s how it would be. I have to admit I am looking at the situation purely on how it will impact on the little one, rather than any financial consideration. After all, her emotional well being is what the arrangement is all about. I personally would not want to bring in strangers, however reliable, this early in that arrangement, and risk unsettling her. Skye herself is not happy with that. After school club is quite different, and something she is probably more familiar with. You are quite right, of course, to say that if needed this should be the responsibility of whichever parent she is with, on any given day.

Xales Mon 10-Dec-12 18:08:35

I have to disagree with you Autumn

Why should Skye have to give up work at a cost to her or make arrangements and pay out of her money if her ex has a work commitment? She doesn't see any of the extra money he makes so she loses out and has to do all the running around. Her work is as important, in fact I would say if he is likely to go bankrupt her work is MORE important than his. He is messing with that!

If he cannot see his DD like he has committed to he should be the one getting his finger out and booking the after school club not Skye.

If he has a cold or is feeling unwell he can still look after his DD just like Skye had to when she was sick, if he is seriously ill yeah then it is better but just a little unwell? He doesn't stop being a parent when he is unwell or she is. Or he can book a babysitter to look after his DD at his house so that he does not disrupt Skye's plans.

All the flexibility has been very much one way as far as I can see so far.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 18:00:26

I agree with that too, I said in mediation that the whole point of access is for him to see her, but I think they were trying to make the point that if he had her in the holidays and had to work, that he should be able to put her in childcare same as I have to.

it was only because somebody said above that its his responsibility to have her and make arrangements ....

Mini Skye just told me that she wants to invite her dad to her birthday party.... Not til March thankfully so will cross that bridge when we come to it.

AutumnNowBleakMidwinter Mon 10-Dec-12 17:52:10

"he said in mediation that if he couldn`t look after her himself then there was no point in having her".....I agree with him here Skye. If he has a genuine reason - i.e. illness or an important work commitment - then she is better staying with you, rather than with strangers, checked out or not. As time goes on, you will probably feel able to be a little more flexible, as long as you know in advance. For Mini Skye`s sake, there will have to be some give and take. Obviously if he starts to cancel for no good reason, that`s a whole different ball game, and you will deal with it, if/when it happens.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 16:33:50

He wouldn't do it anyway because he said in mediation that if he couldn't look after her himself then there was no point in having her .

He has moved to a town where he only know OW and her H.... and I don't want strangers looking after my DD if he hasn't checked them out sad

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 16:29:54

Sounds reasonable Skye but whatever you ask of him he may ask the same. You know your friends and their offspring but he could argue you don't know what happens behind closed doors.

Btw "insist"or request /suggest?

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 15:58:44

If I insist that he has her and sorts out childcare can I insist that he uses a CRB checked person?.... He doesn't have any family or friends who are suitable, he said that himself in mediation...

It would worry me that he wouldn't get them properly. It's different here because I know everybody and all the babysitters are friends kids etc.

tribpot Mon 10-Dec-12 14:55:28

The aspects of your life that you can't control (any more than you did whilst you were with the Twunt, it only seemed like you could - his finances were on a slow spiral then as well, weren't they?) are understandably preoccupying you. Having constantly to have a back-up plan ready for if he lets you down is exhausting - and I think you simply shouldn't do it. He can't look after mini-skye on his access day, he makes arrangements to have her looked after. You will need to enforce this because it's not in his interests to take responsibility for his own childcare needs.

The deception with another woman is a red herring - it truly is. He would always have walked when the going got tough. You would never do that - never.

This is a rough time of year for sure, it's also the first Christmas of a new, better, more honest life. You've survived this year with flying colours, under extreme pressure.

Midwife99 Mon 10-Dec-12 14:52:07

No one is suggesting that you shrug your shoulders & say I'm over it now. It is early days - but it's been 9 months & time to look to the future, a new future, a good future. You're really lucky in many ways. I'd love to not have to pay twunt2 off out of my equity somehow & that he saw DD more than one or two nights a month. You are in a good position honestly. You have so much to look forward to with MS.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 13:25:57

autumn - I nearly fell out with my counsellor last week... I said that I was going to go back to my maiden name and she said that I shouldnt because of how it will affect MS. I said that I am not Mrs SBS any more because I only took his name because I married him, therefore if I am no longer married then I am not a Mrs and I am not SBS, and that I need to go back to my maiden name.

I told her it was very important for me mentally, to not have that name any more as I am no longer that person... but she was adament that it will be bad for Mini Skye and that I shouldnt do it.....

I was insistent that I need to do it and that MS will be ok.... (although I was very annoyed with twunt for telling her when I havent mentioned it to her yet as she doesnt need to know...)

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