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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time :-)

(993 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Sat 25-Aug-12 17:42:34

This is my new thread - title thanks to tribpot

Links to my previous threads for my own information.

Ooh, your lucky mum! I just had a mental shopping spree at m&s - I'm afraid to say I spent more than half of it on flowers, choc, cake and wine .. but I also need new pants (promised myself some good 'uns after this LO is born) so perhaps that would be the whole budget. . . . oooh it would be lovely!

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Thu 06-Dec-12 21:03:02

In my head I have bought several marzipan chocolate bars, hello kitty yogurt covered raisins for MS, cheese and onion crisps, a couple of meal deals and some yummy desserts, lol.

sad but true. I never buy clothes in M&S, very rarely pop in and treat myself to something yummy.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Thu 06-Dec-12 21:14:40

You sound better already! What a great treat, congrats. See, luck's turned already.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Thu 06-Dec-12 21:28:48

I thought that Madness song was very moving <sticks tongue out at Izzy>

As everyone else says, of course you feel sad, emotional, teary sometimes. It's all relatively new and you have been through a terrible few months.

Hmmm £100 at Marks and (lots of), a couple of posh ready meals and a big Christmas pud!

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Thu 06-Dec-12 21:33:29

izzy actually this very neighbour who has dropped me this year, is the one who is usually on her own because her H works away 2 days at a time and because he is always here for Christmas, he is always away for NYE. This year, we had already discussed spending it together as always (last year we all went round to our other neighbour who had just split up with her H....)...

so in fact, we have always spent NYE with her so that she wasn't on her own with 2 kids..

this isn't the first time that she has dropped me if a better offer comes along so I should be used to it. It just upset me that we had already discussed plans for this year, and she knows how hard it is going to be for me, yet dumps me at the first invitation she gets..

twunt always used to moan about NYE and how he would rather be at home as he didnt like drinking, yet this year he has arranged to go somewhere so won't have MS for me....

I just want to go to bed for a very long time and wake up and find that its summer, that I have no feelings for twunt at all and that Im happy.

captainmummy Fri 07-Dec-12 08:27:27

I'm at home for NY too Skye, it's my exdH's turn to go out. I went out the past 2 years, but I'm actually looking forward to staying in, bottle of wine, chocs probably, watching Jools Holland with my boys (they are a lot older, 13 and 15) and will be in bed by 12:05! I have no desire to go out into the cold and wet and dark. Me and my log-burner will be just fine.

Agree that this weather/time of the year is really depressing, no wonder we decorate the house with tinsel and lights. And eat!

Perhaps we can do a meet up here on NY as I won't be going out either.

I agree about the weather I have just slipped and slide 3 dc to school, thank god it is just around the corner.

It's hard trying to keep upright while holding a 3.6y and a 5y up and stop them from falling, while watching my 8y as car just pull up on the pavement with out paying attention to people/children on the pavement.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Fri 07-Dec-12 10:14:37

Tread carefully folks, (winces at memory). Yes NYE not very spectacular round here, Hogmanay I should say, one of these years DH & I shall get organised and throw a party. When other people have close family and relatives it's only reasonable they put them first, feel a bit of a 5th wheel sometimes but we've had some good celebrations, just have to make the effort. I don't know why we don't go away really!

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Fri 07-Dec-12 18:03:29

GGRRRR!!!! stupid arse faced twunt faced arse! texted earlier to say that he is feeling sick and dizzy and has gone to bed and will let me know how he is tomorrow ASAP.....

I text back, yes ASAP as I turned down a party invite on Sunday for MS, plus I have plans tomorrow night. If you cannot keep to your commitment, then you will need to pay £20 for a babysitter seeing as it is your night to have her.

He text back OK. I will let you know ASAP.

So it screws me for going out, for MS going to a party, for me working all day Sunday. I spent last Thursday in bed/running to the bathroom with a tummy bug. Who looked after MS then????? Not him!!!

I am so sick of this and another fucking 14 years ahead of me!!!!!

Xales Fri 07-Dec-12 18:34:34

I am hard I know so feel free to ignore me.

The answer isn't let me know asap tomorrow.

The answer to his text should be that is a shame, I expect to see you at normal time to collect DD.

I also think if she is unwell on his day unless she is seriously ill and it is worse for her she should go with him and he should deal with her.

He is not fun dad, he is dad. He should deal with the shitty stuff as well.

I think you also need to point out that him screwing your work is risking your income and he has to have her no excuses when planned. This may need to be done through more legal channels if you are still sorting finances.

He can book a baby sitter at his place if he needs to, not inconvenience you.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Fri 07-Dec-12 18:38:57

I know, but he just doesnt see it like that.... I did point out about the work thing the other day and said that every Weds he doesnt get her, I will either lose £40-£50 in income, or have to pay £3ph for childcare...

He just doesnt get it does he....

I just dont feel like I can ever plan anything, because he always turns it upside down....

I suggested going back to mediation, but he said that if I were to act adult about everything, then it would not be a problem..... wanker

dondon33 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:48:02

You mentioned a few pages back (yes I've just been catching up) that no-one is following - I, like many others,still read your posts Skye. I don't have anything to add and often don't have time to sit and reply but just want you to know I think you are fab! smile
As for NYE - don't let it grind you down, imo- it's over rated, I'd much rather spend it with those/the one I love. I've often been snoring my head off before the clock struck 12 but I've wished my sons a happy new year before hand.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Fri 07-Dec-12 22:44:15

All those following your thread are sending you positive vibes {or something like that}. Skye, we may not walk a mile in your shoes but sure as hell want you to get through this and know you're doing the right thing, for you and mini Skye ; this is absolutely not going to grind you down.

<Waves pom poms determinedly>.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Fri 07-Dec-12 23:03:03

My counsellor offered me another block of sessions today as she feels that I've reached some sort of crisis point... I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I would never do that to MS, but I have got quite low.

She wants to address why I feel lonely and why I fear that I will be on my own for ever. Also, I talk about XH a lot, still trying to work out why and I need to accept what's happened and move on...

She was very vocal that I should not change my name as it will affect MS, but I was adament that I need to do this for my own sake in order to move on. She feels that I don't know who I am...

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Fri 07-Dec-12 23:18:56

ForeverAutumnNow and blackcurrants both picked up on the idea of more sessions with your counsellor, it's very good she suggested this.

Keep posting here love if it helps, it's not always easy to keep up a brave front with family and friends; that said, they probably pick up on your cues so if you seem all right one week they'll think you're out of the woods and of course life goes on around us and they think, good old Skye and assume you're coping okay. If you're usually one of life's copers their attention wanders but it doesn't mean you're on your own. This time of year and the sad events of last winter are probably playing on your mind, that and the Madness show which was bound to stir up old memories of earlier times.

Btw I haven't forgotten reading your posts on other threads, upbeat and positive and supportive of others, that's why I think this is a temporary dip and you'll rally through with a bit of help.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Fri 07-Dec-12 23:43:45

I tried to explain to my counsellor that Im just so sad that my XH didnt talk to me, that he could just walk out like that, that he treats me like Im being unreasonable all the time, how could he just stop loving me, and so on and so on.....

and she reminds me that he had OW to talk to, that he walked out because he is unable to receive criticism, unable to communicate within a relationship, that he is acting like a child and striking out at me, because I have caused his problems.... she also said that if he has just shut his feelings off, then one day they could come flooding back, but that I now know, that he is unable to meet my needs within a relationship...

Im so sad that MS will grow up without her dad around, that he didnt love her enough to try and sort things out with me before it got too bad... then I remind myself that OW muddied his thinking....

he has got a new mobile phone number he texted to me today. I really dont understand it because he has had the same number for years, and its on all his advertising for work, unless he has employed somebody to answer his phone for work and got himself another phone, but that doesnt fit with what he is doing with getting work off the internet and subcontracting it...... I realise that its none of my business now, but it does worry me again, that he is spending yet more money, on yet another thing that he doesnt need..... I worry that he will go bankrupt because then I might not get the maintenance. Once the mortgage is sorted I will be £250 a month better off and that makes all the difference to me. If he stops paying maintenance, then that will be that saving gone!

I know that I will be ok ultimately, I just hate him and despise him for everything he has done to us, yet I still cant switch off my feelings for him

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sat 08-Dec-12 00:11:22

I've read on other threads sometimes people suggest getting a cheap phone with a number they give to ex, purely for contact regarding their child and any arrangements, so it's only used for that sole purpose, could that be what he's doing?

Regarding dropping you and walking out, you speak of it now as though it was sudden, but he could have initially developed, let's call it a rapport with OW over many weeks before you twigged something was happening. Sharing grief over a miscarriage, that would sound very noble and kind to a trusting pal. The ridiculous thing being, you and OW's husband wouldn't suspect anything untoward was going on because decent people don't cheat and decent people don't pick their best friend's partner do they?

You wouldn't be able to unpick any lies or delays getting home or 1000s of texts because you were busy looking after him, looking after your DD, working having set up your own business and doing what grown ups do, not skulking around whispering to your best mate's wife or watching her at netball matches when his best mate thought he was off being Disney Dad...

He doesn't like dealing with anything or confronting problems so he couldn't bear to alert you to anything wrong. Stayed where he knew his bread was buttered, home comforts, loving wife, maybe you nagged a bit but anything for a quiet life; fill every waking hour when not with you (or even when you're outside in the garden with mini Skye and your mum visiting, or cooking his dinner), texting and chatting with OW, maybe daydream with her about holidays abroad and what they'd do once she finished her uni course.

If he habitually runs away from all life's troubles, he did what he always does, dodged any responsibility and chickened out. Just to be sure he agreed to see you and sleep with you and don't forget, just to put the boot in, hand you over a long list of your faults, that really put the tin lid on it for most of us outsiders reading about it - how fucking dare he?? And his family might have at least kept contact with you to stay close to mini Skye - not happening.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sat 08-Dec-12 00:13:09

You are worth so much more than him Skye, living well is the best revenge.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sat 08-Dec-12 00:23:19

this is what the counsellor hit upon today, that I dont value myself. that he has made me feel worthless, that I have failed in marriage, and failed my DD, that I drove him away..... but his problems are his own and that all I ever tried to do was help him.

she said that the pattern will probably continue again, that he will get into financial trouble, meet somebody, they will feel sorry for him, he will move in with them, they will rescue him and so it will begin again.....

and most importantly of all, it wont be MY problem..... to remember that I divorced him ASAP for good financial reasons..... but that also, that is why I am now crashing, because now I am divorced, my heart is catching up with my head and its all coming to a head and Im just crashing.

also, Im working too hard, not getting enough sleep, all of which is going to make me feel bad...

I can see it all, but struggle to snap myself out of it

dondon33 Sat 08-Dec-12 12:51:06

Very good words from your counsellor Skye.
You've gotten this far, to have so much sorted and you found the strength to be where you are today both for yourself and MS - you should be very proud of yourself.
I'm not surprised that everything is catching up, especially with the divorce, it's all kind of final, even though you knew there was no going back, absolutely no way, never, it still hits you head on to see it all in black and white.
I'm sure the time of year is totally not helping sad be with the people you love Skye, try to take care of yourself (eat and sleep as well as you can) in a few short weeks this difficult year will be behind you and you can focus on a happier, healthier future for you and MS.

Donkeys last comment is so true.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sat 08-Dec-12 17:39:21

So stupid Twunt text this morning to say he has "serious temperature and is confined to bed and unable to drive" So I have spent a lovely day with MS and some friends at soft play and a local Christmas Fayre and we have both had a great time. He has agreed to pay for a baby sitter tonight.

Then at 5pm he texts to say he feels a little better now and if I could drive her to him he would have her. I text back that it was too late now as I have made arrangements for today and tomorrow now due to his serious illness.......

MS has had a fantastic day today, which she wouldn't have had if she had gone with him and tomorrow we are having lunch with my parents which is something that we never get to do very often now. There is no way I can change my plans again.......

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sat 08-Dec-12 18:26:57

Quite right Skye what is this, lazy-arse-itis or has he been dumped? It matters not - he can't expect to pull your strings like a puppet-master.

SpiderManMum Sat 08-Dec-12 18:30:14

Christ he really is twunt of the highest order isn't he! How bloody dare he text asking YOU to run MS over to him at 5pm. So assuming you did, she would arrive at 6pm in time for him to open a can of beans and put her to bed to avoid having to pay a babysitter. Obviously it isn't so that she can have quality time with her father!hmm

You did exactly the right thing Skye, do not under any circumstances change your plans for this idiot anymore. It is now time for him to finally step up to the mark and take responsibility for his Dd without expecting you to be there to wipe his arse for him.

Not surprised either that everything is catching up with you. Your divorce has, for good reason, been very fast and whilst your head is busy with sorting the practicalities of finances etc its a bit easier to push the emotional aspects to one side. Now the pace has slowed with the absolute coming through and Xmas creeping up upon us, it easy for all the sadness to bubble to the surface again. I feel as though I have just lost an entire year of my life, like I've been in a dream world so I can't believe its almost the end of the year.

Im doing my best to put on brave face for DS regarding Xmas as he is getting so excited bless him, but deep down I just wish all the happy smiley people would bugger off grin. It was my wedding anniversary this week as well so particularly crap especially when I received a card from friend that I (obviously) haven't told yet.

Xmas and new year eve are going to be crap, lets face it. Again no way around it so time to pull on the big boots once more and wade right the way through it.

AutumnNowBleakMidwinter Sat 08-Dec-12 19:08:55

I love to hear about your fun times with Mini. I have her in my minds eye when you talk about her. She is a little beauty, and I saw her lovely name when you accidentally posted it. It suits her down to the ground.

Whilst it`s very true that whatever your XH does from now on is nothing to do with you, it takes time to break the habits of a lifetime Skye. Especially when you fear that his stupidity may impact on you, financially. You are doing everything in your power to move on, but it takes as long as it takes, and no two people are alike in that respect.

I have the feeling that your encounter with the guy on the internet may have set you back a bit too. It would have done with anyone, let alone someone with emotions still raw from a divorce. There will be a right time for you Skye, and a Mr Right too, but not until you have gone through the healing process. When my precious husband died, from all the things said to me I always remember "Grief is the price we pay for love". This is so true, and when we lose that love, be it through death or divorce, the grief has to be lived with and endured.

Have a lovely day with your family tomorrow.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sat 08-Dec-12 23:41:30

Grief is indeed the price we pay. I'm in the pub , drunk, have to be home by midnight for the babysitter, my weekend thrown into disarray by Twunt.

I just want life to be simple.

Sounded out some people tonight if they will be out on NYE.sounds like some will be out. So I won't be alone lol.

I'm actually quite drunk now lol. The lads I was talking to have gone home but never kind. I think I picked up a new client tonight lol. It's all about the networking..,.,

My life is not what I thought it would be but it's still a life and a pretty good one at that.

Ignore my drinken ramblings! I still think all men are pricks!

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