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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time :-)

(993 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Sat 25-Aug-12 17:42:34
DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 26-Nov-12 10:46:01

Hello Skye
Another new week. Any news about your mortgage application?

skyebluesapphire Mon 26-Nov-12 14:16:06

only that it they have all the necessary paperwork. They wanted to know if there was a court order for the maintenance, but my solicitor said that one would only last a year anyway, so we didnt do one... bank statements prove what he is paying each week.

I gave XH some post last night and wrote on it - please change your address, you have not lived here for 8 months and we are divorced!.....

Had some more come today so have written on it, no longer at this address, redirect? and chucked it back in the post.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 26-Nov-12 14:41:30

He's still not got all his mail redirected? Lazy. Hope anyone he owes money to knows he's moved out.

skyebluesapphire Mon 26-Nov-12 19:09:14

He's had a redirection since April, for 3 months at a time, so he should have got one, it could just be postman error, but yes it really annoys me that he hasnt changed his address. He is always on the phone to his subcontractors, or emailing them, how bloody difficult would it be to do a round robin and tell everybody??

Yes, it worries me that the baliffs might turn up one day!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 26-Nov-12 19:21:03

Well hopefully that won't happen.

Hope your work is going well, I should say.

Getting mini Skye an advent calendar?

skyebluesapphire Mon 26-Nov-12 20:52:36

MS came home with a Hello Kitty advent calendar from twunt last night. All excited, then got royally pissed off with me when I said she can't open it til Saturday, lol.

My cousin, her godmother, made her an Advent Calendar for her first Christmas. Its fantastic, all material with pockets to hold sweets and chocolate coins. We reuse it every year and put coins in it, with extra big ones for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Stupid twunt texted tonight to say that his solicitor was chasing because I hadnt filed the Absolute.....!!! I text back to say, well your solicitor is crap, I received it on Thursday, we were divorced on 19 November.

What a twat. But at least I had the "joy" of breaking it to him....

Poor MS is talking tonight about how daddy is going to take her to Cornwall on holiday "one day". I had to tell her that this might not happen and she said, it will, daddy said so...... I hope to God he doesn't let her down....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 26-Nov-12 21:10:11

Ooh fabric calendars we did those a few times. Ran off my feet trying to get little items that weren't all sweeties just a variety of things - even resorted to raiding Kinder eggs for plastic toys one year. Spent a fortune and by the final year bought a tin of Quality Streets!

We have a fabric one, but it has felt shapes to put on the calendar.

As for his post I would return to sender with his new address.

Twunt solicitor must have gone to the same school for idiots as he did.

Unfortunately all you can do is make sure you don't make promises to MS that you can't keep. He will have to deal with MS disappointment when she old enough to make him understand his actions and the effect they have on her.

skyebluesapphire Mon 26-Nov-12 22:11:08

Twunt solicitor must have gone to the same school for idiots as he did

this is the same solicitor who repeatedly chased my solicitor for my form E, then when I asked twunt what the hold up was with his, he said they hadn't asked him to do one! I was quite cross and said well tell them to stop chasing me when they havent even given you a form yet!

and he has been paying a fortune for this service!

SpiderManMum Mon 26-Nov-12 23:11:26

Hi Skye, I've been away the past few days so I missed your announcement. I'm sure it feels very bitter sweet. Its good that it brings and end to the 'formalities' but very sad for what was and what could have been. I know I am going to feel exactly as you do. I had a message today to let me know that nisi is on its way and that upset me enough.

Onwards and upwards though, we've made it through the darkest days so it can only get better, hopefully...wine

skyebluesapphire Tue 27-Nov-12 09:44:48

SMM. Sorry you are upset too. It is upsetting, each stage is just so final and you hope that they will come running back shouting that they have made a huge mistake.... even though you know it could never work now anyway......

thats how screwed up my head is now, lol. I almost feel worse in some ways now because it is final and there is no going back. Nobody understands, they think that because I have divorced him, that I must/should be over it by now, that I should be happy about being divorced.

I'm just so very sad at the loss of my life, at the loss of the man I thought I would grow old and grey with, that my DD's life has changed forever.

A couple of days ago, she was talking about him leaving and she said that she really wanted to go and live with him when he left and that he said that she couldn't and she was really upset. i told her that little girls stay with their mummies because they look after little girls better and asked her if she was happy and she said yes, but its just so heartbreaking. Who knows whats going on inside her head. I could kill him for that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 10:27:23

I can only imagine what it's like and if anger gives the strength to keep going, use it.

Family is more than parents and siblings when you're growing up, does mini Skye see your extended family, cousins, older relations?

Keep a diary in mini Skye's bag, detailing her school and social things she needs taking to or at which his presence is required - as she gets older she'll be vocal telling him about events.

Do you and mini Skye ever do exercise together, I don't mean go to a gym, stuff like swim? Cycle? One of those dance dvds?

You've got your own social stuff planned, is it too soon to look at next year and think about a spring holiday abroad for yourself somewhere warm?

Present and future, that's where to focus.

skyebluesapphire Tue 27-Nov-12 11:01:07

Yes, a diary is a good idea. My cousin gave me one, but I havent used it yet.

she sees my parents and brother all the time. all her cousins are a lot older than her, but some of their kids are younger. he has great neices/nephews that he takes her to see sometimes.....

We put on the Wii and do dancing and singing together. We went swimming every day on holiday, but dont go often at home.

I cant afford a trip abroad, but will plan a short break in the spring with her, either in Cornwall again, or somewhere else.

Skye

Does MS school have any family workers. My DC school has a team of 3 family workers who the children can talk about ant issues or we can mention that we feel that dc needs a bit of help.

They also run family learning were we can do things with a child while that at school.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 11:20:27

I must have heard the diary idea on MN many a time it must have sunk in!
Was just thinking, use anger positively eg burn off energy.

Could do with more exercise myself, we can't have pets so walking a dog is out of the question, am wondering about a trampoline!

Trampolines, I think it depends on your pelvic floor Donkey grin. Mine gone after 2 9lb + babies.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 11:29:43

grin not so much that as having had arthritis since my 40s wheredidiputit definitely won't be on the 2016 olympic trampolining team!

SpiderManMum Tue 27-Nov-12 22:06:42

Skye we are mentally in such an identical place. I know it isn't exactly surprising given our idiots walked at the same time but reading your posts it sometimes feels like you are taking the words from my mouth.

I keep daydreaming (usually when driving shock) that at some point soon the idiot is going to turn up asking me to stop the divorce as he's made a huge mistake and although I know it would never be the same again, I would take him back and work at the marriage. I even sent on the email to him from the sol informing me to expect the nisi shortly in some sort of pathetic attempt to test the daydream..

The reality is that whilst my heart craves this, my head knows he would never do it and even if he did, I should never consider him worth the effort, ever. We promised our lives to these men and they threw us away like worthless pieces of shit sad

I've been thinking about the effect of all this on DS as well. I was trying to wrack my brains to see how much I could remember from being 6 and younger and apart from the odd major event, it isn't really very much. I am so hoping that this is the case for our DC's too. If so, then hopefully they will grow up not remembering the year of devastation our twunts have put our little families through and are left with memories of how we as mums tried to give them the best upbringing that we could thanks

skyebluesapphire Wed 28-Nov-12 10:55:36

I've got the end of term meeting with her teacher next week, so I will discuss it with her, but I know that they said that she was fine last time. MS is one of the most caring children in Reception class. They say that she is always first to comfort a crying child, or to help a new child or a preschooler... That is a lovely thing to hear as a mum.

I really want to change my name. I only took his name due to marriage and if we are no longer married, then I should not have his name. But it is also MS name and she knows my name and I don't want to confuse her, but I really really want to change my name.......

Friends want to go and see Dolly Parton 9-5 The Musical next Feb, so thats something to look forward to! lol.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 28-Nov-12 22:18:11

Felt quite choked reading that, SMM. I'm no expert but if you and Skye continue to love and cherish your DCs and do your best by them, surely they stand as much chance of growing up into capable well-balanced individuals in their own right as any children from relationships where parents stay together.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 28-Nov-12 22:32:08

Regarding names Skye I have heard friends say they would keep their names the same as the children's at least until such time as they or their ex remarried. I don't know but I think you can just revert back to your maiden name very simply, just notify bank, doctor's, DVLA etc that you now wish to be known as whoever you were before changing to ex's name. As usual, <disclaimer> not a legal expert, etc etc. Thinks: would you be a Miss or Ms?

skyebluesapphire Wed 28-Nov-12 22:33:20

These men have a lot to answer for. They walk out on their wife and child, they become cold and heartless, its all me me me, new clothes, splash the money around, (but not on their kids unless its useless pieces of plastic crap)...... and think that makes them father of the year.......

while we are left behind to pick up the pieces of ourselves, our kids, our lives, our jobs.... if we dare to try and tell them how we feel we are just putting pressure on them or being ridiculous.....

my DB said today, that MLC, 7 year itch, all the cliches, hit my XH at the same time and the other cliche of attractive young girl thinking he is the bees knees finished him off....

tribpot Wed 28-Nov-12 22:42:45

I think you should consider changing your name, skye. I know mini-skye is aware of it but how often does she ever hear it mentioned? (On the other side of the coin, I don't have the same name as my ds despite being married to his dad - he has never once asked why not!)

My mum kept her married name when she and my dad divorced (I was a little younger than mini-skye) - by the time I was 7 she had remarried and so had a different name again, I'm not sure how this all was really meant to help me have a sense of stability! In reality, I wasn't bothered what her name was - she was my mum and that was all that mattered.

skyebluesapphire Wed 28-Nov-12 23:25:01

Yes. I don't want his name any more, I only took it because we were married. If no longer married I don't want the name. I also use it in my business but that can be changed also....

I think I would feel better without his name. I feel like a fake now because I'm not a Mrs and I'm not his name....

I just don't want MS to be affected . My counsellor said it could be too confusing for her.. The other day walking back from school she was saying I'm MS XXXX and you are S XXXX. So she does know my name...

I just don't know what to do :-( I really don't want his name...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 28-Nov-12 23:43:40

Don't know whether your maiden name and married name sound good together. What if you reverted to your maiden name and gave mini Skye your surname as well as her dad's? That way she'd have both your surnames? Think you'd need her dad's approval though.

Thing is ex has his name, mini Skye loves her dad and maybe you could just say, she will always be his daughter so her name stays the same, but you aren't married any more so you get to change your name back to what it used to be, it's her name and she gets to keep it, how special for her and Daddy etc.

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