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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time :-)

(993 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Sat 25-Aug-12 17:42:34

This is my new thread - title thanks to tribpot

Links to my previous threads for my own information.

tribpot Wed 21-Nov-12 19:07:05

Don't leap in and offer him a solution, skye! He said he was thinking, let him think. This is for him to manage, not you to manage by proxy.

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 19:43:01

I agree with tribpot.

Sad as it is for your DD stop managing him and giving him options. If you don't you will be doing it for the next 10 - 15 years as he will never stand on his own two feet and get his thumb out.

Remember he managed to move out, join a gym, buy new clothes, get contacts, rent a house all on his own.

Just because this isn't about him doesn't mean he shouldn't get his thumb out.

You tell him there is an invitation in DD's bag on hand over regarding a weekend he is on duty your job is done. He does/doesn't RSVP and the mum's at school come to you you are 'sorry but she is with X that weekend he should have contacted you'. End of your participation.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 20:19:00

Trouble is that I know he won't see it that way and if i tell him it's his job he will just say that I am being pathetic and ridiculous .... His favourite words if I dare to suggest that it's something he should do rather than me.

I can't win whatever I do with him.....

tribpot Wed 21-Nov-12 20:21:48

Sure, but I don't think Xales and I are suggesting you tell him it's his job. You just say there is an invitation. He said he would think about what to do - great, leave him to it then. You say nothing.

Key phrase from Xales: end of your participation.

This is his problem to sort out, not yours to tell him it's his to sort out.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 20:29:20

Ok, yeah, see what you are saying. Just hate to think of MS missing out on things, but this is her life now isn't it and nothing I can do to stop it being split at weekends. :-(

tribpot Wed 21-Nov-12 20:36:28

I know - but this was his choice, to manage his relationship with his dd directly rather than with you. All I think you can realistically do, other than remind him the party is coming up, is let the parents organising the party know it's his weekend and you've passed the invitation on to him.

It's really not rocket science for him to decide whether he wants to take her to a party or not, but he really has to be left to decide for himself.

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 20:39:19

It's shit and it is sad of MS.

If he doesn't do it you have to remember it is not because he can't do it but because he can't be bothered to do it.

It will be his selfish actions and attitude causing it. Your DD will see this.

Especially when it comes to having to spend freezing Sundays bored in the cold so her dad can perv over younger women in short skirts playing netball because he thinks he is young hip and trendy and they are not laughing at him support his best mates Mrs...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 21-Nov-12 21:28:23

Skye of course you want MS to have the best time possible and this is the thing, if you start off co-parenting post-divorce by organising him and running her social life, he is going to stay lazy and, like he's always done, figure Skye will fix it .

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 21:39:38

I know. One of the many reasons he left was because I organised his entire life..... But he couldn't organise the proverbial in a brewery...

I don't know what to do about the Christmas Play... I've told him he can find the newsletter online to find out about school events, so feel that's it. But if he doesn't look at it and misses the play it will be all my fault for being a bitch and not telling him about it...

But by what you are saying, I shouldn't say anything to him

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 21:45:36

Put a copy of the news letter if you get one in the bag. 'X there is a news letter re the xmas thing in DDs bag for you' end of your participation.

tribpot Wed 21-Nov-12 21:55:47

Yup, or even a white lie - I got two copies of the newsletter by mistake so I've put one in for you.

Won't a form come round asking for how many tickets parents want? I've never thought before about how divorced parents manage this but there is basically only one form, I guess the child could send two requests back and be given two envelopes with tickets in, but that would be horrific. So if that's how it works at your school, you actually will have to notify him when the form comes out (and he you if it arrives on a day when he picks her up from school).

If it isn't, <meh> he missed a Christmas play. And bucks his ideas up for next year. Lots of parents will miss it because they can't get time off work.

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 22:12:44

If it is one where you have to order tickets by a certain date. Send him a text 'Christmas thing is on X date at and time, I have to order tickets by Y. Please let me know day before Y if you want one so I can add to my request'. Again your job done.

No reminders no chasing.

If he doesn't reply he doesn't get a ticket.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 22:41:36

They do two shows 1pm and 6pm so I was hoping I go early and he goes late...... Tickets were limited to two per family last year. He wouldn't take the time off work (it was 2pm) so I took my mum.

So actually , screw him, he couldn't be bothered last year!

tribpot Wed 21-Nov-12 22:46:04

Hmm yes, that paints it in a rather different light doesn't it? I think you so want to compensate for the divorce that you think mini-skye will be traumatised by stuff that in reality she's rather used to. (Which does not make his behaviour excusable, it just makes it not linked to the divorce but rather his own selfishness).

I'd just let him know when the request form for tickets comes out - say it'd be nice for dd to have a parent at each performance (which is true), assume the 6pm would suit him better but he should please advise as the deadline for the request is [x]. And then do not chase again, repeating Xales mantra 'end of your participation'.

skyebluesapphire Thu 22-Nov-12 12:32:02

Decree Absolute arrived today, very sad.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 22-Nov-12 13:28:25

thanks ((hugs)) Not what you ever planned for, not what you hoped for, I know, but here's to the future and better times x

McBuckers Thu 22-Nov-12 16:03:27

Big hugs.

Have been reading your previous threads. You've really been through it.

I know it's very sad but it's not just the end of your marriage it's the start of your new life and the first step on the path to future happiness.


tribpot Thu 22-Nov-12 20:34:33

Sad day skye but we all agree with Donkeys and McBuckers and wish you all the best for a happier, more serene future in which you can enjoy life to the full. Eat the elephant one piece at a time.

skyebluesapphire Sat 24-Nov-12 01:06:49

Is partying with the girls in Weston Super Mare....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Nov-12 11:37:17

With mugs of ovaltine and in bed by 9 pm. Or not!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 25-Nov-12 00:15:40

Hello Skye hope you had a great time away with your mates.

You spotted the reference on another thread, poor lady it rang a few bells - OH walking out, upset DCs left crying for daddy/stepdad, doting MIL who won't hear a word against precious son, some invented faults and blaming anyone but himself sad ...

Whereas you have come through the storms and turmoil facing a bright future smile.

So how was your trip to WSM? Was the tribute band any good?

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 25-Nov-12 13:00:20

Hi Skye - sorry you felt said about receiving the Decree Absolute, I know how you feel, it's the finality of it all; the lost future and all that.

But hopefully you'll see it soon as a positive thing; the final line is drawn on that chapter of your life, and you have a whole future - a blank canvas - ahead of you to colour as you wish.

Regarding him and your DD, I really think it's time now, in order for you to fully move on, to step back a bit, and let his relationship with her flourish or not, with less involvement from you. You cannot, with all the will in the world, make him and her have a great relationship - she's little, so when he's with her, it's totally his responsibility, not yours.

Regarding stuff like party invites and Christmas plays, if I was you, I'd get a diary to keep in her bag for handovers, and write down stuff in it for him. Your job is then done. If he forgets something, then it's down to him. Stop taking responsibility for him as her dad.

What worries me most, is that you still care what he thinks of you. You often say stuff like, "but he'll think it's me not telling him' or 'he'll blame me' etc. This has to stop right now my love. Why on earth should you care what he thinks of you? It doesn't matter at all. His thoughts or opinions shouldn't cloud your day, or give you a seconds thought. Please try and work on this, then you can fully move onto the great future you deserve.

Saffy xx

skyebluesapphire Sun 25-Nov-12 14:00:19

It's not that I care what he thinks, its that it makes life very difficult to arrange things due to the way he reacts to me. If I say, its your weekend, its your problem, you sort it out, then he says that Im being childish, ridiculous, why cant I act like an adult etc. It then becomes nasty again and becomes very difficult to make arrangements. When I suggested going back to mediation, he said that if I would act adult about everything, there would be no need for mediation........ So its not that I care what he thinks, its that as soon as i say something he doesnt like, he turns on me......

I know exactly what he thinks of me, he wrote it in a 2 page letter after all.... he told his brother he will always care about me, well somebody who cared about me would have had the guts to talk to me. I despise him as a person.

My head and my heart are in two very different places. I divorced him asap for financial reasons..... but emotionally, I do still love him and I can't just switch those feelings off. I know that only time will have an effect on my feelings, or meeting somebody else, but Im still very much grieving for the loss of my family life and for the loss of my XH even though I know its not right.

I had a good chat with my friend at the weekend and she said, if he came and knocked on the door and wanted to come back, I would let him and my heart totally agrees with her, but my head knows that he deceived me, lied to me, betrayed me, refused to communicate with me.........

I have been so strong in a lot of ways and several friends said that I am in inspiration for the way that I have dealt with this, but only time can change the way that I feel.

I had a brilliant night in Weston on Friday. 8 of us went and we had a meal, the TT tribute band were crap, there were only 2 of them for starters, lol. We went on to a pub with a little dance floor and had a good boogie, it was a really good laugh. Had a laugh with some young lads, way too young for me, but good fun though. We went back to her blokes house at 2am and partied a bit more until 4am. Had about 4 hours sleep, then went to watch the Twilight film in Weston.

Had a fantastic weekend. If I'd still been with him, I wouldnt have gone because I felt that my place was with my DD and H, even though 5/8 of us were married women, I never felt it was right to go on girlie weekends when I was married.....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 25-Nov-12 14:28:16

2 in the TT tribute band, very funny, am glad you had a laugh and let your hair down.

You are very honest Skye even after all this heartache to admit if he came back begging you'd be in two minds. Well, heart and one mind. No wonder people say it's like a rollercoaster of emotions.

skyebluesapphire Sun 25-Nov-12 14:45:25

My friend knows me well and she can see that my heart is still very much involved and she knew how much I loved him and thought he was my soulmate...

my counsellor is getting me to see that he wasnt the man that I thought he was and that while I was exactly what he wanted to start with, at some point he resented that and turned it against me. Also, I was drawn to him as he was so quiet and helpful, after growing up with a MCP for a father, I went for the complete opposite.....

I wouldn't take him back, my head knows that it's not right, but my heart still wants him sad I am being honest. There is no magic pill to take away the feelings..... even though I hate him, despise him, now think that he is untrustworthy, disloyal, dishonest..... none of them traits that you need in a husband....

One of my friends has just picked up with a new man, so there goes another drinking buddy.... She asked her H to leave, so she is ready to move on... her H wont give her a divorce, so its looking like she has to wait 5 years, which is killing her..... everybody wants what they can't have...

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