OD and playing hard to get when you've never met them!

[lookslikeacoconut]

This seems a bit trivial compared to others' threads on here, but I'm getting really nervous and need some help from OD experts!

Is it ok to meet someone halfway for a first meeting when you live 30 miles apart? 

This might seem like a classic case of over thinking things, but I've read The Rules (he he) years ago and it's kind of drummed into me that the man always does most of the running, ie comes to you or at least travels further than you , initiates most of the phone calls etc, and you let him - otherwise it seems like you're keener than him. 

BUT ! Do you think that need apply when you've never met? All bets are off when it's the first screening, surely! 

I've had lots of emails and texts with a guy from POF (he he!) he asked to meet and said he'd come to meet me (so far so good) but then he started talking about getting a hotel so he could have a drink as he'd be nervous. 

I don't want him to do this!! 
It's a mid-week meeting, I've got work at 730 the following morning, I just want to have a quick drink to see if I like him! 

Don't know what his motives are, he could either think his luck is in, or just want to make more of a night of it cos he's travelling a bit of a way, 

If I say let's meet somewhere we both drive to, so I can scarper if I don't like him (and scarper if I do like him!) , will that be 'acceptable' under the rules? I know many MNers think dating rules are a pile of bollocks, but I'm a bit of an advocate actually, as they seem to have worked for me before 

[chickenwingsmmmm]

Following 'the rules' has worked out in the past I assume? Or has is failed.

[chickenwingsmmmm]

He wants a hotel as he is hoping you will sleep with him. Sorry.
if it wasn't he would stay in a hotel but suggest meeting elsewhere so you didn't get the wrong impression.

[ImperialBlether]

In my opinion, if a man you haven't met says he wants to meet you in a hotel for a drink, assume drink means shag. I'd also assume this was going to be a one off.

[StuntGirl]

1. Ditch these silly 'rules'.
   
2. POF has a reputation for attracting people looking for no strings sex. Bear that in mind.
   
3. It's midweek, you have work the next day and it's just a casual meet up. Tell him the current plan doesn't work for you, offer an alternative and see what happens.

[solidgoldbrass]

The Rules is bullshit unless you want to end up with a man who thinks women are second-class humans and that sex is a kind of currency you 'repay' him in for whatever hoops he's jumped through.

Meeting in a hotel is safe enough; it's a public place and you can leave whenever you like. And it's not unreasonable for him to choose to stay overnight in a hotel if he wants to. Though it is possible that he would like the date to end with a sexual encounter (which again, isn't a bad thing to want) - or he could be in an allegedly monogamous relationship with someone else and looking for a bit of fun on the side, which may not be what you want.

[SundaysGirl]

If it were me and someone suggested a hotel during midweek to meet I would assume they were after sex and be wary they had a partner as well. Trouble is via emails and texts it's easy to hide other relationships, I've online dated and I usually ask to see them via webcam at about 5pm on a Monday for example where a wife and kids would usually be pretty hard to hide. Oh and I also 'spring' it on them when we are in contact say via text / IM and so on. Most people have webcams in their laptops and so on, or can buy one for peanuts at a local supermarket very easily. If they are cagey about getting a webcam and also about talking at times where you would expect it to be 'family time' (i.e outside of office hours) ON CAM then I challenge them about a relationship. This helps me to see whether they are who they say they are in terms of appearance and goes a little way to ferreting out whether someone is attached but keeping that bit quiet. This all sounds a bit strict but it has led me to catch a couple of guys out that way!

Sorry to sound pessimistic but it sounds a bit didgy to me.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Yes sounds fairly suspicious that he is mentioning a hotel. If he was genuinely that nervous about the date I don't think he would be mentioning his need to have alcohol. Also if it is genuine I would be a bit suss about someone so freaked out by the thought of meeting you that he already knows that he needs to have more than one drink.

I would get back to him and suggest you meet somewhere that can be reached by public transport or suggest lunch or a coffee somewhere. 30 miles distance is really not that far and meeting in the middle means its only a 15 mile drive for each of you.

I read The Rules too btw and whilst some of it is helpful i.e. don't appear desperate, give a bloke a chance to show he likes you, I wouldn't take all of it too literally. With online dating it's important not to put your eggs in one basket so you seem to be reading a lot into this, I'd register on the more established dating sites and wait for responses from those who do appear to be looking for a genuine relationship.

[dequoisagitil]

It's actually more simple than you're making it.

Tell him that a mid-week meeting at a hotel is not suitable/convenient for you. Say you want to meet on a more casual basis than him travelling out 'specially and then being disappointed if it doesn't work out.

If he won't pay attention to your valid concerns now, then he'd be a shit partner in the future.

[lookslikeacoconut]

Thanks everyone, I think I will just heed what you say and keep my level head on. 

I said lets meet midweek, no mention of meeting in a hotel, just him saying he'd get one so he could have a drink!

I'm really not being naive as to what he might want - he is on pof after all! I'm treating the date as practice really.

Im no bloody expert, but Rules SEEM to have worked, if only to teach me not to force a situation - and realise it's what people do, not say, that matters.

Just not sure how to proceed with OD when Contact has just been emails, nothing invested yet.
Deq you are right - I'm over complicating it, think I'll sign up for a paid for site! 

[hollyscots]

Meet my hubby on pof...we had a similar distance and our first date was at a hotel about half way...we were both driving...we enjoyed a lovely night in front of a fire drinking lemonade. I didn't want the evening to end (it's strange but I knew he was the one) but when it did we walled to our cars and went our ways...no kiss as had read the rules hahaand he was fine with that too..fast forward a few dates and off we went. Bought a house in the first year, married the second and currently Ttc! He's wonderful andwe would never have meet if not for OD! got my friends on it and one meet her husband too and they have kids now. I emailed and dated quite a few off pof and I never meet anyone who was looking for sex or didn't act like a gentleman the whole time...id be inclined to meet up...if he wants to stay at the hotel as long as you make you're position clear then what's the harm? X

[lookslikeacoconut]

holly your story definitely restores my faith in OD! Thanks

[LemonDrizzled]

Looks I met a lovely man on POF a year ago, and chatted for ages 8 weeks by email. Eventually we met for a drink half way between our houses (twenty miles apart). We didn't kiss on the first date but both wanted to. (I jumped him on the second date!)

I am currently sitting on his sofa after spending the weekend with him and his family. We have been inseparable and make each other very happy. I haven't had an argument with him yet either - he is impossible to fall out with.

Stay safe but don't write off POF because it is free. There are genuine nice people on there among the weirdos.