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Hi there all, I have been slowly thinking I am going mad as my gut feeling tells me my DH is having an affair. I have done all the things that have been suggested on here he either is very good at hiding it or isn't and just want to put this feeling to bed. Is there any ways that have you have found your evidence. I have tried the mobile phone, he deletes all the texts and history and history from the computer, as he explains he has always done it as he doesn't like to clog up the memory. I have gone into the bill. I have tried the give me your phone for the day, which he hasn't done as yet but has had prior warning now. DH I phone doesn't leave his side most of the time but on the odd occasion it does. I just can't help feeling I am missing something, any advice please.
Truly awestruck at your story Mammy, your patience and initiative
Thank you Yoggi for being so honest, and thank you for the information re the memory, I was fed that one, oh it slows it down if you don't delete history. I know he looks at what I look at as once he came out with "where did you get that from MN" "I have always deleted my texts and history" Thank you fiventhree, Cahu and Beyrlstreep also for the advice and your personal information. It all helps to build a picture. His phone texts have calmed down a lot lately so not sure what is going on, my feeling is that its cooled off or broken up at the moment or they are not around. He is letting the DCs use his phone and ipad to play games which he used to get annoyed with say a month previously. He is always downloading stuff on the computer, whether its music or films but its constant, he while time he is at home he is doing something with the computer, getting really pissed off and down about it all and just need to change something although I have made a lot of change within the last 12 months, so scared to give up my job which I am contemplating leaving incase it all goes tits up and I am left without income. I know he would have to pay but it would be a battle.
Look at the settings for his internet history (found by using the spanner icon) - he might have set it up to clear automatically every time.
Check for a second mobile - car? work bag?
Over and over again there are threads on here about secrecy with computers and phones. These devices used in that way are toxic to relationships. I'm a past offender. I'm working things through and one major change is that laptops, phones, iPad, etc. are now totally open all of the time. All passwords are known, nothing is erased. And frankly, that's how it should be all of the time otherwise these suspicions are bound to arise, why wouldn't they when there is no technical reason to constantly clear history.
Computers and phones keep history because doing so enhances functionality, it saves typing and helps a user recall web sites used. Forms are auto-completed so remembering passwords isn't necessary. In general, having a history speeds things up not slows things down. Any yet despite the software companies doing a great job of enhancing usability, people are keen to switch all that off! That analysis blows it all away really doesn't it.
Another reason you could express to him. When I was in max-security-lock-down mode I couldn't make available to DW things that she or the family would need in the event of an unexpected incident happening to me or both of us. She or my kids wouldn't have been able get onto the computer to find out details of bank accounts, trading accounts, investments, etc. It always niggled me at the time and now all of that is out in the open.
Re the comment about the spanner icon and other technical details, you have to remember that things are different according to the type of computer, the operating system it runs etc. The spanner is a feature of Chrome but other browsers have different icons.
If you do some searching on the Internet you could find many ways of getting into devices and monitoring usage. The trouble is you need to be a bit tech savvy and to have the time. For example, not many people realise that there's a method of booting Windows so that you can type any password you like into the logon screen and get full access. Astonishing, but true. I won't post more details in case it is seen by someone who shouldn't see it, but it's all there on the web if you look for long enough to find it.
But frankly, what you need is simply a discussion. If he knows you use MN then all you have to say is that in every case where people are so secretive there's always a bad reason, and therefore secrecy won't be tolerated.
Thank you Yoggi, I do know his password to get into the phone etc but as he erases everything there is no point looking is there???? until he forgets to delete his calls texts or browser history etc but being away for a few days aweek he has the time to do all of that where as me have not looking after two DC's all week on my own. Although it was mainly my descision I am in this situation, DH working away and me on my own with the DC's. His claim to fame is that he has always done it. He may have well done but I never had any reason to snoop then. He did let slip once that he reguarly rang another woman he used to work with when I stated that I didn't feel happy with that he said that he wouldn't do it anymore and that was 3 years ago. So this may have been going on for some time and its only now I am beginning to realise what all of the behaviour and signs were.
So he has form for this kind of thing?
What do you want to do OP?
I am not sure if he has done anything in the past. This ow was a friend apparently before we met. When we were dating he used to call around to see her for a coffee and was quite open about it. He also used to go and chat to his BF wife, nothing going on there but the BF blatantly fancied DH. I was surprised in conversation once when he let it slip he still spoke to the one he used to see before we started seeing each other, she is married with two children and works in the same company as DH. I don't know her but I used to work with her husband who incidently didn't like my DH apparently. Bit confusing I know but I used to work with DH. So may be this ow is still lurking in the background. I know her name but have never seen anything with her name on it unless its under a mans name. Although the calls were made from work to a work number, so no trace anywhere very clever, this is going back 3 years though. Thinking back DH behaviour was pretty bad then, very moody, always shouting at the DC's never happy at home. I had a feeling then but thought I was wrong. Anyway going out now with the DC's. In reply to Madabouthotchoc. I don't know what I want to do, turn the clock back to pre moving house and staying where I was.
"no point looking?"
Depends. If it's an iPhone then no, there's no point. If it's a different kind of smartphone then maybe. Most of them contain a small MicroSD card. This can be removed and reinserted without turning the phone off. You can stick it into a USB adapter and copy the entire contents to a computer within a few minutes. If things like whatsapp and other messaging programs are being used they often leave a lot of information behind on the MicroSD card. As I said earlier, it could well be there but you need to be a bit technically savvy to know.
There are quite a few apps available which appear to be one thing when in fact that are a 'digital locker' of all the stuff you want to hide. Again, the MircoSD card trick works with many of these but it's know what to look for.
I'd fall back to the straightforward approach - tell him it all stays open and undeleted all of the time or you don't tolerate it/him. It's the only way to deal with people like the 'old' me.
Ok. Forget the iphone. Concentrate on the PC. Download a program onto it called webwatcher. It will cost you but IMO worth every penny! This is how i caught mine out. Find out all his passwords, check accounts out while you know he won't be on them. FB, read the archived messages. People often click the little x thinking it deletes the message. No it sends them into archive lol.. msn, WW will record conversations from both sides if my memory serves me correctly. Be aware you WILL see some fucking painful stuff. If you find anything out be careful when you confront him he may turn violent. And after you've found out, and before you've confronted him, try to find out the pin to the iphone, take it with you when you confront him and leave the house, go to a friends house for a couple days, keep the phone with you. You may find that he emails the slag / s to warn them that his phone has been stolen. (by checking his emails which hopefully you wont have told him you have access to ) and anyone phones or texts the phone, tell them what he's done and who you are. Then plot revenge lol. So sorry you're in this position
OP please do not get webwatcher if your h is internet savvy and has, eg, Norton.
I just did a simple search for you are google has lots of evidence that it will be blocked by Norton.
I looked for you, a I got desperate enough myself to try some spyware (was it spycombo?) which did the same thing- cant remember the name- but norton detected it and blocked it immediately.
Only a private detective is likely to know what will work at this moment, as Norton etc update all the time.
If you cant face the hassle of all this, then your only options are to
- watch quietly until he slips up- he will, too
-tell him what you suspect and refuse to back down, for weeks if necessary
- chuck him out, because who wants to live with constant suspicion.
I did, and it made me ill. I was bloody well right, too.
Instinct- a great teacher and the best voice you have, and far more subtle and complex than anything else. It is the computer in your brain detecting that threat.
Norton didn't detect it when i used it and it left no trace on the pc as its web based not pc based iykwim but that was three years ago lol
Be aware that when i used it i was desperate and it was bloody well worth every penny i spent on it.. the subscription runs out after a set period of time though think its a year but that was ample enough for me to A: Find out what fuckery he was up to, and B: Be assured it had ceased
Bit of a problem if he remote wipes it, isn't it.
You've decided he's guilty. Do both of you a favour and say you want to split up.
fiventhree you are of course absolutely correct that instinct is a wonder but it doesn't give you flat out proof
If he really is up to something then he will eventually slip up. Mine did.
He got cocky (har har) and stopped being so careful because he was convinced I had swallowed his lies. So when he accidentally brought his secret phone home instead of leaving at it at work like he had done for the previous year, I found it because I was always on the look out.
He will make a mistake eventually, but sadly you may well go round the twist waiting, I did
Never EVER download web spyware/keloggers.
Unless you really know what you are doing. Most at home won't. As not only could they be easily blocked. There is a reason for this......
They are logging and recording packets of information from your pc. That's everything from passwords to banking.
Yes i forgot to mention prior to all this one day he left his phone at home.. but as i said before, have a flounce at some inconvinient time and make sure you take phone with you on your strop/visit to the shop ect any reason to leave the house will do, then don't go back, stay at a friends for a day or two with the phone see what happens
Things and Bogey- I do think watching and waiting is a good idea, but it works best if they dont already know you suspect.
Bogey you said you were driven round the twist- so was I.
It took me five and a half f..ing years to find out, and the key thing was, the day I decided to trust my instincts, I still had no better or firm evidence. Even at Relate he denied after that.
The one thing is, though, most men dont want to leave the relationship even with an affair. So when I just moved out of the bedroom and infuriated him by saying I believed he was a liar and that he would never convince me otherwise, he tried like buggery to do just that for the next 6 weeks, all them time which I stood firm and stayed in the spare room and generally kept away from him between Relate sessions.
When it finally dawned on him that I wasnt shifting and never would, then I got the truth (which was quite shocking, the number of women involved).
It was damn hard but a lot better than what I had gone through the previous five plus years, playing cat and mouse with a cheating liar. Sure, you go half nuts that way. (In fact at one pint towards the end my h swine of an h, to deflect, actually started gaslighting me and suggesting that I was a bit mad. From what I see on here, it is a fairly standard cheaters response.
I was told that the pregnancy was causing me to be paranoid and perhaps I should ask the MW if I had ante natal depression. He would have quite happily seen my popping pills that could have affected our baby rather than admit what he was doing. He could see that I was falling apart, he knew that I was ill and he made it so much worse out of selfishness.
It does seem to be standard, but I am still at the depths they will plunge in order to try and protect themselves and their vile shagfests
TBH I think its been off and on for a long while now or may be its been a few I really don't know. The day starts off ok then he will get himself into a mood usually about money we will have a row as I am fed up of explaining where the money has gone mainly on food. Nothing ever gets spoken about a living hell really and at times I bloody wish he just would piss off with who ever it he is shagging as they are welcome to the miserable control freak twunt. I told him he spends too much time on the computer and said he should get help as I think he is addicted. It stopped him going on them for a while anyway.
I used webwatcher and have found out my partner was meeting men for sex. It's easy to install and takes you through the steps to avoid norton picking it up - takes a good half an hour or 40 mins to go through steps though.
I'm glad I did it now thought sorry about what i found out
OMG entertumbleweed, I will look into it, although he uses the iphone and ipad most of the time would it pick up any of the stuff on them?
You can download a "find my phone" app onto them. Ostensibly these are if they get stolen you can track them via GPS. In reality you can also use to see whether he is where is says he is.
My friend did that ,bless her but her DH found out and made her take it off. I haven't got an Iphone so I can't do that. I am going to read through all the threads and plan my strategy. I think the best way is to let them drop themselves in it as from a lot of your experiences they have in the end. It may take a little while but as I have said before I believe everything happens for a reason, hopefully for the greater good.
A friend of mine with a VVV internet savvy DP downloaded it and it collected enough evidence to be used in the following court case for him downloading child porn and grooming kids on the internet.
As i said and personally experienced, the things you see and read may scar you for life. Reading that your DP thinks someone has a very tight pussy when you have just given birth to his baby never goes away but it allowed me to see the number of women involved, when, where, what he said to them, and i could make out that they had told me. He still doesn't know what i did to this day. I advocate it to anyone who is worried. Either the subscription runs out or you can remove it from the pc after its done its job. Small price to pay for peace of mind IMVHO but i repeat be aware that you will see some things that will make you physically sick.
Being suspicious isn't enough to make one 'chuck them out' yes there has to be trust in a relationship but believe me i trusted my DP 100% even when things were glaringly obvious (well now i know anyway) i still 'believed' his version of events. He even invited OW to our house for a cuppa in i can only guess was some sick stunt to make me think, if she comes to my house she can't possibly be shagging him behind my back.. omg i cant do this sorry, basically, if you want to know for SURE download it, but be ready for the shitstorm.
There are other ways of finding out, though, and maybe these are worth exploring first. Problem with DP is that he was very good at covering his ass. WW blew that wide open. I am glad i used it though i do wish i hadn't been made painfully aware of EVERYTHING sometimes
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