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Evidence/snooping

(167 Posts)
angelpinkcar Tue 21-Aug-12 08:19:19

Hi there all, I have been slowly thinking I am going mad as my gut feeling tells me my DH is having an affair. I have done all the things that have been suggested on here he either is very good at hiding it or isn't and just want to put this feeling to bed. Is there any ways that have you have found your evidence. I have tried the mobile phone, he deletes all the texts and history and history from the computer, as he explains he has always done it as he doesn't like to clog up the memory. I have gone into the bill. I have tried the give me your phone for the day, which he hasn't done as yet but has had prior warning now. DH I phone doesn't leave his side most of the time but on the odd occasion it does. I just can't help feeling I am missing something, any advice please.

KirstyWirsty Tue 21-Aug-12 08:25:10

I'm sorry you are going through this .. I went through it myself last year and it is terrible

Trust your gut - I let me 'D'H persuade me that I was paranoid and imagining things .. and my gut was right all along

Not sure of what advice to give - we went for counselling and he denied all through that as well but I found 'proof' - a card he had written to the OW

I take it he is being distant and critical?? You could always tell him that you've had enough and you want him to move out for a while and see if that shakes things up a bit?

TurnipCake Tue 21-Aug-12 08:47:46

Sorry you're going through this, thinking you're going mad is enough, it's a horrible feeling.

I guess it depends on the context; by the sounds of your relationship generally, accepting you may not find evidence doesn't seem enough?

I wish I had trusted my gut. I knew my ex was playing away, I just didn't know the extent. Eventually I went through his phone because I thought I was going mad and it confirmed all my suspicions.

I'd second Kirsty's idea, not to kick his arse into gear but it sounds like you need some space to work out what you want etc.

Hope you come to a resolution smile

Looksgoodingravy Tue 21-Aug-12 13:06:33

Sorry you're going through this Angel, I think I recall you from the previous After Infidelity thread?

I found out more info on dp's iphone by going into the 'search iphone' screen (swipe until you get the keyboard coming up) but I think it was just fluke that some messages (or part of) remained as when I clicked onto the message it didn't open up anything else, he'd actually given me his iphone after he'd confessed to meeting an old 'friend' but things just didn't add up, he was far too upset when he told me about it for it to be just about meeting an ' old friend' about a week later I decided to take a look at his phone, I tried her number in the search box so started entering 0 when a message OK sexy xxx came up and then I was like a dog with a bone, found a few other messages which opened up a whole new can of worms!

I'm not that savvy with technology. Has he got lots of contacts on his phone, dp had actually saved the 3 women 'friend's under men's names!! which is why I found a man texting dp 'ok sexy xxx' rather odd.

KirstyWirsty Tue 21-Aug-12 13:14:49

Yes my DTBXH had texts from 'Jim Scott' (a colleague from work) with kisses on the end ...

Months before I had spotted that he was the more frequent contact on the phone (I was checking after I found the flirty texts from RP** - no firstname because he didn't know how to spell Rhona he said - Yeah right!!hmm ) and didn't think anything of it - wish I had looked in more detail as I would have spared myself another 5 months of grief..

If he has an I-Phone Skyebluesapphire has some App to track her iphone and his if they got lost and that is how she found out he wasn't where he said he was so you could try that??

KWx

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Aug-12 13:16:11

If you don't trust him and you're living in an atmosphere of suspicion, the relationship is over. You're unhappy at the moment because you can't find any proof. You'll be just as unhappy if/when you find proof. If you're being suspicious & accusing him over nothing, you've blown it as well. It's a lose-lose-lose. So assume your suspicions are correct and take it from there.

Agree with Cogito.
You don't need proof to tell someone it's over, it's a waste of more time spent being unhappy.

Malificence Tue 21-Aug-12 13:36:19

Not true, people need to know what's really going on for their own sanity, it must be abject torture to have that instinct kick in / know something isn't right but not know what it is.

KirstyWirsty Tue 21-Aug-12 13:38:41

I needed to find the proof - otherwise it would have been made out that I was unreasonable in breaking up my family

AGilchrist Tue 21-Aug-12 13:44:08

Are you really happy living like this?
Is it possible its paranoia? It does happen.
Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life looking for proof he is cheating?
Are you going to turn round in 10 years and realise you have wastes them trying to catch him out?
On the other hand he could be cheating, but I would leave if I was happy.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 21-Aug-12 13:46:42

If only life were that simple, you're not happy, you're suspicious, end it, move on.

In my case it was a MASSIVE wake up call for dp, we are still together and are working through it, I'm giving him a second chance, not for everyone I know and who knows in 12 months time I may decide that I can't do this but I'm willing to try and make it work, he has proved to me that he is devastated by what he has done.

Angel - it is awful suspecting knowing that things aren't right, go with your instinct. Have you tried talking to your dh?

OneMoreChap Tue 21-Aug-12 14:06:15

Difficult position.

Very hard to prove a negative, and if you don't find evidence are you going to think there isn't any? Probably not. You don't trust him for whatever reason; get rid. You'll be rid of the worry, and he can find someone to trust him again.

If you think he's at it, you may well be right; I tend to delete history/temp files regularly, but some folk do more often, so no evidence there. I always used to delete texts, but on my iPhone I don't, but he may differ.

I'd let DW have my phone if she wanted to check it... but not during the day, as I work on it - and if I was bang at it, the phone would be clear. If he's dodgy he could easily have a cheap PAYG mobile - which you'd see no bill for; he could use private/incognito browsing to access a separate gmail account...
If you checked his underwear for semen stains it could be leakage/wanking...

There is very little evidence you can necessarily get - other than following him...

The cleft stick is that if you do talk to him, and he is innocent, he knows you don't trust him... sheep for a lamb?

angelpinkcar Tue 21-Aug-12 14:23:13

Thank you all for your comments. KirstyWirsty you have hit the nail on the head re your comment I needed to find out so I wasn't the unreasonable one breaking up the family. He has given me his phone today, nadder, just his mum ringing him and crap emails so far. Don't think its going to prove anything have been out for 3 hours today shopping and DC's said he was on his ipad all morning so thats why he isn't bothered, probably gmailing or whatever its called. I am also a bit techno phobe and he is a gadget man. He called me a fat munter last night he claims he was joking but he looked very serious. He has no respect for me and constantly argues with me about money. I think I am just looking for an excuse to leave as not been happy with him for a long time. So the insults, the money, the quickly changing the page when he is checking the on line bank account to his credit card account and got very defensive when I enquired why he was using the card again after we have just paid it off for the second time. I get blamed for being a spender when in fact he has been the one to

angelpinkcar Tue 21-Aug-12 14:37:55

spend. Anyway thanks again will see what happens and if there are any improvements. I always end up looking the bady and a new one he comes out with is that I am always turning things around to make out he is in the wrong. Well he is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I do break up the family there is a hell a lot of things to sort out which is very daunting. He said also I must share with you that its the reason why he doesn't talk to me about anyting because I will turn it around so its his fault , I can't work that one out either. So he drinks 4 cans of beer asks me if I am up for it and then goes to bed if I say not if you ask like that.

OneMoreChap Tue 21-Aug-12 14:47:09

Think you're right angelpinkcar I think I am just looking for an excuse to leave as not been happy with him for a long time. He sounds a tosser, and if you leave/chuck him out you can get plenty of help here in sorting out the steps to separation - so don't let that put you off.

MissFaversam Tue 21-Aug-12 14:52:03

Don't think you need to look for evidence of an affair, he sounds like a nasty bastard anyway, that in itself is enough to leave.

angelpinkcar Wed 22-Aug-12 07:41:46

Morning all, he is a tosser but all my friends and family think he is a good bloke. My Sister doesn't like him and thinks I have changed since being with him. I am not sure if he actually likes women which I have told him in the past as I try and work him out which is pointless really. MIL quite a demanding woman and is constantly texting him and phoning him on his days off. I think there are a lot of complex issues with him and his family as they all seem to be living with a front up if that makes sense like they are hiding something. I don't think he has much love or respect for his mother although he would never stand up to her. Its really weird. Think she has a lot to do with it. Although at the end of the day its between me and him and its slowly deteriorating, week, by week. It got so bad around January time I actually contacted a solicitor for advice re the finances, never followed it up. For me to do that it must be bad. The other thing is that I have been looking for what is making me so unhappy, is it my job? So I have had a sabatical from work, is it where I live the area the house, So I moved down near the coast near to DH parents, move was for better quality of life really, kids love it and are having a fantastic time, I am not as love it here but I have no family near me, a few friends but can't go out as DH works in London 4 days a week and refuses to try and find a job down here. He did say once may be its me that is making you unhappy and maybe you should leave me. Also he never wanted to move here so one reason why he won't consider job move within his company down here. I still can go back to my job which is in London but would mean uprooting DC's and changing their schools again in 12months. Sorry for long reply. Its helping talking it out on here with you guys.

Springhasarrived Wed 22-Aug-12 08:01:44

OP you have my sympathy. My situation was very similar to yours. In fact when I finally got the evidence I needed a friend said to me that I had mentioned a year before that I thought he was having an affair. I said I hoped he was as it was the only way I was going to get rid of him!

Like you I dont think I could have got him to leave without evidence of the OW or it would have "all been my fault". He became nasty and incredibly controlling. Like Kirsty I eventually got a lucky break and he lost his phone. I lent him an old one of mine. I knew the texts were difficult to delete and I got him with one he had missed. I knew who it was, it was just a question of proving it.

Could you steal his phone, turn it to silent and hide it? That was if nothing comes up you could accidentally hide it and say you have just found it under the sofa or something? I know others would just say leave the bastard but I could not have anywhere with him like that with him. I totally understand that feeling.

A year down the line he has no relationship his children and blames me for telling them we were spitting up before he did! nothing to do with anything he has done or continues to do.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Aug-12 08:41:02

If you're unhappy with a man that treats you with no respect, is insulting and can't be trusted then you're entitled to walk away and never look back. You don't need evidence of his infidelity to justify your decision. Your family and genuine friends should take your word for it that the relationship hadn't worked out and anyone who is determined to think he's a 'good bloke' will carry on regardless of evidence.

What I found, when my ex-H left, was that most people I knew actually did think he was a tosser but had gone the 'good bloke' option because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Once we separated they all heaved a sigh of relief and I got their true opinion.

So again, no need to scrabble about trying to pin something on him. What's happening already is enough grounds for a separation.

angelpinkcar Wed 22-Aug-12 10:05:00

Thank you very much for that its made me feel a bit better. What is the point of trying to find the evidence. Think he learnt from the last time, he was living with someone when I met him, he was very shady about it when I met him, I did not persue it when I found out and said I wasn't interested while he was living with someone. Apparently it was on the rocks as she had major trust issues with him, so the bloody alarm bells should have rang loud and clear then. He then left his ex and we started dating, so he has always had one waiting in the wings before he has moved on. So learning from his mistakes he won't get caught out this time as his ex caught him out last time by finding spare clothes for going out hidden. He had gone out with me, this was before I found out he was living with someone. Do they ever change????? I would like to think he has grown up since then with two DC's or am I being niave? I also remember the way he used to speak to his ex on the phone before they broke up which is a lot like the way he speaks to me on the phone. Thats why my gut instinct is saying he is seeing someone else. Does that make sense? If its in them to cheat they will always do it. We watched cheaters together one evening and he said I don't know how people do it I am a rubbish liar and wouldn't be able to do it - quote. I thought "Yeah Right"

angelpinkcar Wed 22-Aug-12 10:09:12

Sorry also don't know what to do re staying where I am, do I stay in a lovely place with no help as if I seperate from him his MIL won't help me, or move back to where I was nearer my family, friends work. I really don't know what to do for the best, I know its up to me ultimately but just looking for advice on what would you do if you were in my situation. Feeling a lot stronger since talking to you guys, big thanks!!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Aug-12 10:14:31

What's that hackneyed phrase about marrying the mistress creating a vacancy? If you sense there's a pattern, there probably is a pattern... you know him better than anyone. If you know he lied about when his last relationship ended, you've known he's not trustworthy from the start. Probably always been a little sensitive to a repeat. The remark about the cheater TV prog sounds like a case of getting your retaliation in first hmm. Same way an elderly aunt might claim 'of course, I never drink' when you've seen them with a sweet sherry at Christmas.

Leaving the whole potential affair thing to one side, however, he still sounds like a PITA. If you don't like him any more - and you're the one married to him, not friends, family or anyone else - then that's all the rationale you need.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Aug-12 10:18:05

Do whatever it is you want to do. Short-term, if you stay in a lovely place with no help and get him to move out help can always be arranged. Might cost him a few quid to replace his mother's contributon, but that's part of his parental responsibility. If you move to be nearer friends and family it might take longer to organise but that's good as well. Obviously weigh up the pros and cons but often the cons are not quite as bad as they might look on paper.

bubalou Wed 22-Aug-12 10:25:25

I don't know what help I can offer other than that you don't sound happy.

If you do need the proof then I will give you the same advice I gave a fiend last year.

She suspected her DH of an affair. She started looking through things etc and he caught her looking at his phone - she would say 'who are you texting' etc and all it did was alert him to the fact she was on to him. He would also delete everything - history on laptop, texts, calls etc.

I told her to try and 'appear' to ignore all signs. Don't question him - don't pull him up on anything, avoid touching his phone etc. It was hard but she did - he thought he was in the clear and got careless - 3 weeks later her DH went in the shower and left his phone in the bedroom - she seized the opportunity to look & sure enough he had messages on there from another woman.

This is just in this case. If you are unhappy you should leave regardless but I know what you mean about not wanting to look like your breaking up the family, no doubt the bastard would love to be able to blame you.

smile

MammyToMany Wed 22-Aug-12 10:59:29

I am going to sound sneaky and awful but I was desperate to find out if exp was cheating on me but he had two phones, a blackberry and and iPhone.

He would never leave them near me until he worked out how to password the bb then he quite happily left it laying around knowing I couldn't do anything with it.

So I waited a few weeks until he was over confident and whilst my phone was on silent I sent him a jokey text (he was sitting next to me) and secretly filmed him putting the iPhone code in. It was always to fast for me to see properly but I could watch it back over and over and found out what the code was. But I couldn't get hold of the phone for a while so decided to just sit on the info.

With the blackberry, I left him a note one morning saying I'd had an email from tmobile saying there was a problem with the account and he needed to email them the following information. I included a reference number that he would have to send and asked for his phone number, pin and password. I wrote down the email address that I had created especially (I used mail . com as I could include the word tmobile in the address) he emailed the information and I picked up the email and then had the password!

I had both passwords but no phones! I saw the iPhone in the footwell of the car - he always left it in the car, and waited until he was asleep and sneaked outside and stole it. I turned it off and hid it under the bed until he was at work. From that I found he had been on dating and casual sex sites, had lots of profiles and messages, photos that looked to real to have been downloaded from a porn site. I could also read his emails on it. I turned the phone off and left it hidden, he was so cross with himself for losing it.

Waited until he had drunk to much and was crashed out in bed and took the blackberry from his bedside table, took it downstairs and put it on charge hoping he would think that was where he had left it. Read his texts and found the evidence I needed.

He is now exp, I know what I did was sneaky and underhand but I felt I was going crazy. I also felt I needed a valid reason to end the relationship for some reason.

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