Friendships: where do you draw the line with how you let people behave?

[Whatadiamond]

I am very disillusioned right now with many of the friends I have in my life. I know everyone has their bad points, but I am getting to the stage with many friends where I feel they are taking advantage or walking all over me. I've tried looking at the positives in these friendships, and there are some but I'm not sure the positives outweigh the negatives. But then I will end up friend-less if I just stop contacting them all. Where do I draw the line? At the moment very few of my friends are making me happy.

[TheBirderer]

I try to be understanding of bad behaviour on the part of my friends if it is out of the ordinary or due to life circumstances- grief, financial trouble, infertility and other such examples. I know stress can cause people to act in ways they otherwise wouldn't and sometimes they lash out.

However, the way you talk makes it sound like your friends use you quite a bit and do this habitually. These aren't very good friends. If this is how they always are you might be better off without them even if it does mean you have to start over and make new friendships. Also, sometimes people attract "friends" who treat them badly without realising that it's happening- people who use them and feel they can get away with it. They can be very good and finding people who will put up with their outrageous behaviour and move onto the next person when they finally stand up for themselves. Do you think this could be happening here?

If you find yourself feeling constantly let down by people who take advantage and treat you disrespectfully then it's probably them, not you. Please don't talk yourself into thinking the problem lies with you.

[CrapBag]

If they are not bringing you joy and just causing anxiety then is it worth the stress?

What are the good points and what are the bad? Other people may be able to give you some perspective.

I have dumped friends that have been a waste of my time. It just got me down that I had been there for them and they just weren't there for me.

[mermaid101]

For me, it was when I felt pretty much as you do: disillusioned and taken for granted (among other things)

However, I actually ended up with more and better friends once I had distanced myself from these people. The friends who were more on the periphery of my life, started taking their place.

I'm much happier now and feel like the friends I have now are a much better "fit" for me.

Is it one person/group in particular you are feeling this way about?

[Whatadiamond]

Birderer, I think you could be right, I do in a way attract people that are users. I don't know though if perhaps I'm just not tolerant of people, although I do try and give everyone a fair go and make allowances for their situations.

CrapBag, to give a few examples:

One friend continually suggests meeting up then 90% of the time either forgets or cancels with an excuse. We were meant to be going out tonight, as suggested by her. I text her this morning to ask if we were still on for tonight. Her reply: "Oh shit I forgot, I'm going out with X now. Perhaps we could go out next week instead?". She does this all the time, but doesn't seem to do it to others. I haven't replied to her yet today, I am too cross.

Another friend makes catty comments all the time. Nasty put downs, enough so that I realise she's being horrible but others all just laugh as what she's said. We meet up at play centres in groups with our children, and her comments are normally aimed about my children or about my clothes or my house, and they are almost disguised as a compliment but with a sting in the tail.

[Whatadiamond]

mermaid101, no it's lots of friends, across the board really. I have one or two that I don't feel take advantage but many others do

[puds11]

What have you posted about this before? The examples you have given sound very familier.

[Whatadiamond]

No I haven't puds

[CrapBag]

The second one sounds like a right bitch. She knows what she is saying then disgusing it as a joke in case you pick her up and she can say she was joking. I would definitely get rid.

The first one sounds very draining and I would distance myself. I have no time for people like this. Its damn right rude and it isn't rocket science to keep track of something you have organised to do with someone. If you are the only one she does this with, I would get rid too. Doesn't sound like it is typical of her. She sounds like she is using you as a backup in case she has nothing better to do. Sorry.

There are far better people to be friends with. I am always surprised that people like this actually have friends anyway. Maybe there are others that are feeling the same way as you are.

[mermaid101]

Reading your other post, I think you've hooked up with the friends I don't see anymore. They were exactly as you describe!

I agree with the OP. I think these people treated me badly because I let them. I was much younger and had pretty low self confidence and was initially grateful that they were friends with me.

With hindsight, I wish that once i had realized this, I had just let them go. What actually happened was that there was quite a long period when I realised they were treating me badly and was too scared to stop seeing them as I thought I would be alone. It led to years of me feeling really bad, dreading seeing them, but still going out with them. I don't think I was great company for them because I was on edge and defensive.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, now you have noticed I would just end the friendship (in whatever way you think is best).

Do you have other friends/acquaintances around you who don't treat you like this?

[TheBirderer]

Even if you dumped all of these rubbish friends and only had a few people left over, or not even that, I think you'd still gain an enormous amount of peace of mind knowing that there wouldn't be any more shitty behaviour and insults being directed your way. I think it would help your self-confidence as well because these put-downs must be wearing you down. The second women sounds like a bloody teenager and I would avoid her and all the people laughing at her jokes. Scummy behaviour.

[something2say]

I think - cease making plans with people who don't show up, and maybe they won't bother suggesting it again? If they do, just say can't, maybe some other time, maybe next week?? and if they press the point, tell the truth - you never show up, you always ley me down so not thanks, see ya!

I have been thro loads of groups of friends as I moved about a lot when I was younger and it was hard making friends all the time.

I remember one friend took the piss out of me in front of everyone at a NYE party. I was so upset. I left asap the next day and then didn't ring her until she rang me in Feb to invite me to her bday. I said no. I said she had taken the mick in front of everyone, and I suspected she didn't rate me that much, so no I wasn't coming back then or ever. I never have been back to see that group of friends and I am proud of how I handled that one.

I remember I used to go raving with a group of girls but their boyfriends always made us late - cos they were hanging round other women done coke off tables - nice. I said, look we need to find some other people to go out with. They dropped me for that. Looking back, what the hell was I even thinking to hang out with them in the first place??


I have learnt that if it feels wrong, it probably is wrong, so don't worry about it, just handle it. The world is full of lovely people, avoid the shit ones and you don't even have to have a row about it, just avoid them - they'll soon get the message!