big difference in financial position?

[twoonefive]

Recently met someone new. It is very early days but all seems to be going really well so far. The only possible issue - and this is on his side not mine - is that I have a very good job (higher tax bracket, albeit only but a few £s), nice house etc whereas he isnt working at the moment due to combination of failed business/ill health.

As I say for me it's not an issue. I've always paid my own way in past relationships (even when they were much better off than me) and am certainly not looking for a man to keep me! He has said that he feels uncomfortable about not being able to offer to pay for things (instead of splitting the bill as we do), buying me flowers & gifts, sometimes not being able to call or text me cos he's run out of credit. None of this matters to me, but I think he is used to being much better off, and in a position to do all this, whereas now he's not.

Has anyone else been through this? Can it work out? And apart from saying it doesnt matter - which it doesnt - is there anything else I can do?

[twoonefive]

Just to add I don't make a big thing about money, most of my salary gets taken up with bills and childcare so I don't have a lot of disposable income - its not like I'm flashing the cash round or anything!

[freerangelady]

For me it would depend on his ambition. I couldn't love a man who was happy with his financial situation you describe if he stayed that way for ever. However, if jis business failed due to external factors and he's a hard worker it wouldn't matter a jot to me if he didn't buy me gifts early in the relationship.

I'd only be worried in case I ended up carrying him in the future.

[twoonefive]

thats a fair point - from what I know he sees this as a temporary situation, the health issues are now resolved, and he is looking for work either employed or working for himself again (hes in building trade- obviously not great in current economic climate).

[2012OlympicOdyssee]

For me it would be a massive red flag that he is moaning about his inability to give you flowers and gifts, and cant call you because he has no credit.

Are you sure he is not hinting that you shall pay?

[twoonefive]

I don't think he is.

He's what some people might call a man's man, feels he should pay for everything, 'spoil' me etc. In my past relationships I've always paid my own way, never had presents (sometimes not even on birthdays - thanks Ex ) so I'd never expect anything like that anyway.

[ImperialBlether]

I had a relationship with a man who was like him (in his beliefs) and he said that if he was unemployed he wouldn't start a relationship. He wouldn't feel good enough about himself and he'd be putting all of his efforts into getting work.

By the way, there's nothing wrong with you expecting a presenting, enjoying it if someone treats you. Don't go too far the other way!

[gardenwalk]

I was in a similar but opposite position - lost a lot of financial security due to ill health and circumstances beyond my control. I met DH when he was peaking in his career, so on a very comfortable wage.

It worked for us because we have quite modest tastes anyway, so it was rare for us to do things that were out of my budget (even when I was on benefits, I could still treat him to cinema and a drink). He would pay for bigger things like a weekend away while I would spoil him with homecooked or handmade items, or making the effort to do things which he appreciated. We are lucky as well that we live in London so there are a lot of free things to do, but sometimes takes time to organise/plan them, which was my contribution.

As for carrying him in the future - well, DH does this now, but it's something that hasn't caused any issues for us. Part of that is probably because (rightly or wrongly) the genders are reversed, and partly because his salary is quite significantly above the HRT bracket so he doesn't notice it financially.

It is hard to deal with ill health and the impact that has on society's expectations of you, but DH has always been understanding and never made me feel like a freeloader. It is probably harder for a man in the same position as the expectations of them are so much higher.

[something2say]

Mmmm the sexism here.....!!!

Anyway I am the woman in this scenario, my partner is a lot better off than I am and I struggle to keep up with him. (I work full time tho and get a fairly decent wage and have my own mortgage etc just a lot less than he has earnt.) Anyway we make it work by not doing really expensive stuff all the time, I pay my way but as time has marched on he has seen what I can and can't afford and he covers me at times. He is quite emotionally shy and I think he appreciates the fact that I would rub faces with any and everyone incuding all animals so thats what I bring to the table.

Anyway his mac is about to run out of jiuce and I want to watch the athletics!