How does a man cut you off from all your family and friends?

[MsLydia]

Obviously it happens over years but how do they do it?

[Gumby]

They are arsey when you go out
Arsey when friends phone
Passive aggressive stuff that makes you think it's not worth the 3 day sulks for a cuppa with your mum

[Nuttyprofessor]

I know someone that tried this. He filled his Gfs head with ideas about how people didn't care about her, their motivation for doing things, telling lies about things they had said. She ended up arguing with everyone.

[StillGettingItWrong]

In my case his behaviour made it so that my family stopped asking me to things so as to not put me in a position where I had to make excuses for him. He would be moody/grumpy/rude and I used to find it embarrassing and excuse him/justify it by saying he'd had a hard week at work etc (like he was the only person in the world who worked "hard" ). I've found out since I left him that my family called him POD - Prince of Darkness because he could suck the life out of a room

[SilkySmith]

I was one of the cut friends, he did the exact same with other friends of hers, he created a problem with us out of thin air and pretty much made it really uncomfortable for us to be anywhere where he was.. and he went everywhere with her.. he made it so in her mind WE were the problem so she ended up arguing about it with is

[StillGettingItWrong]

Oh and wrt friends, he would willingly "let me" go out but the 3 day long sulk post-night out made it not worth it. Took me years to work out this was not right and I'm not a stupid woman

[Scarredbutnotbroken]

They divide and conquer. Some do it overtly by just being such a knob to your friends that you fall out. Others do it more covertly. Exp used to make bitchy comments about a friends of mine who although was a bit hard work and not everyone's cup of tea, was MY friend fgs. In hindsight I can see who he was threatened by.
More recently he must have found it hard to find fault with any of my mum friends but one of them is quite independent and pulled him up about being a bit smothering once - he must have rubbed his hands with glee because on the back of one exchange he tore her to pieces behind her back and never let me forget he didn't like her.
When we split one of the first things he did was make a nuisance of himself with a married couple who are v dear friends of mine who gave me a lot of unsolicited practical help post split. For a whole I felt like he might be able to wreck that friendship - he tried v hard but they stood their ground and made their loyalties v clear to him - I feel v lucky
He tried to drive a wedge between my mum and me a couple of times but failed miserably - no match there!
He did all sorts of manipulation and has lighting though overcome years to interfere with friendships - he must have been exhausted

[Scarredbutnotbroken]

Nitty professor - exactly that was what exp did - wanker.

Also it can be really subtle but if you ate feeling isolated - they have succeeded

[bleedingheart]

Divide and conquer, so true!
My old housemate was in an emotionally abusive relationship and only had the confidence to raise issues with her BF by saying that myself or our other housemate had pointed out poor behaviour on his part. He told her we were jealous or bitter lesbians . What was interesting was half the time, we hadn't said anything, she just used our names to voice thoughts of her own, yet she still bought his BS. We obviously stopped saying anything. She convinced herself he was misunderstood and every now and then he'd turn on the charm or tears and she realised that only she 'understood him.'
In my own experience, my EX was so jealous and anti-social that I thought it was easier not to see other people. Such mistake!

[CogitoErgOlympics]

The grumpy thing is common but sometimes they dress up their isolation tactics as an extreme form of togetherness and that's less easy to spot. They 'love you so much' that they convince you that all you need is each other. At first it's very sweet that they want to spend every waking hour with you and you're quite happy to oblige. It's flattering that they're miserable when you're not there, so you rush to their side. But then they start checking up on you, making you feel guilty if you're with other people, and they're only worried because they 'love you so much'..... and it can quickly turn into an unhealthy possessiveness.

It's less obvious and therefore more sinister.

[Scarredbutnotbroken]

Being anti social is another big tactic. I really notice how friends partners can make the effort to go to socials and actually just milk around without either being really awkward or needing to be the centre of attention because they are just relaxed people. Actually, thinking about how other men behave generally helped me identify a lot of EA behaviour in Exp

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I have had this subtly done to me. But the worst case I know happened to my best mate. We were young at the time. But her bf was so creepy.

If we met for lunch he would keep calling her name as she walked away from him in a "you better be a good girl" tone. If I was with the two of them he would constantly be holding her hand, hugging her, twirling her around.

Always a "look at me not her" attitude. It got to the point she wouldnt tell him we were meeting until the last minute.

Eventually I just got so fed up. We never fell out as such. But for two years she just disappeared from my life. She got in contact out of the blue once they had split.

[IslaValargeone]

My experience was like StillGettingItWrong

[ninah]

sometimes a man like this will be alert to vulnerability and low self esteem. If you don't truly believe you are likeable it might be the case you feel flattered by his attention

[foolonthehill]

Cleverly...gradually and subtly..over minor problems, with deep "sympathy" and great perseverance. especially those friends/family who might "see" him and understand what is going on.

[garageflower]

I almost had it happen to me in the early days of a relationship. It didn't happen but I certainly became less of a good friend and family member for a while. It was easier to keep him happy and not feel guilty all the time. He was scared I would leave him if I had a better time with others. Had to repeatedly point out that I loved him and it was his behaviour alone that would force me away.

It did, in the end.

[toptramp]

Mine succeeded in convincing me that my parents were rap by slagging them off. It was a drip, drip, drip effect. I was young and naive. I am good mates with my dad now.

[SirSugar]

My friends didn't give a damn about me - apparently

My mum cared more about her cat - apparently

If I organised a rare evening out there was the dismissal fight just before I left and then a wave of the hand with ' go on then, just go', no goodbye, or enjoy yourself. Wouldn't speak to me when I got home either.

[Mrsjay]

they will say that so n so isnt the friend he thought they were, they will also say are you REALLY going out , they will just drip little comments they will also say things like you are much better than them , It can take years for them to destroy you,

[joanofarchitrave]

They make it about loyalty, because in some cases they genuinely can't see why anyone wants to see anyone else except their partner. If you want a social life, it's the same as wanting to be unfaithful. If you want a child, it's the same as wanting someone else (direct quote from my first husband).

[Mrsjay]

they will also say things like I am no good in company i dont like it so you stay home and don't socialise unless it is their friend and then they are life and soul of the party,

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

It's not just men who do this to women. My ds has a controlling partner, he's not allowed to talk to me, dh, or ds2 about her, though he'll cheerfully chat to ds2's gf.

Which was how I heard that the wedding cancelled for this year, will go ahead in 2014.

Apparently.

[ImperialBlether]

That must be really hard for you, OldLady. I can't imagine how awful that is for you. I'd want to stage an intervention if it were my son.

[MsLydia]

I can identify with some of your comments so much. Thank you.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I hope you are ok OP.