how often do you have sex?

[sunnybreeze]

my partner have been together for nearly 6years and have two young children together - 2 and a half and 5 months.

He works full time, Im on maternity.

We never have sex! In the last year we have had sex twice - once at Christmas and once earlier this year. Other than that there has been very little sexual contact - i may have assisted him half a dozen times, but not actually done it for him!

Am i bein unreasonable? I don't want sex, he does, but i just don't want to do it.. Im getting worried that he will have an affair or leave me.

Is this normal or am i bein totally unreasonable? He says that it is a problem in our relationship.

[thedevilisinthedetail]

Nothing helpful to say but I am like you and just don't want sex at all with DH. We have only had it twice since ds conceived and he is 15 months old. I have no interest either so think YANBU but also don't think it is healthy or sustainable. How is the rest of your relationship?

[sunnybreeze]

Not great to be honest. We have good days and bad days.

He says that things would be better if we had sex and released some stress this way rather than taking it out on each other.

I just can't bring myself to do it although a know there is a problem as we are not physical at all.

[boodles]

I honestly don't think that many people really answer this question honestly.

It is all well and good him saying that your marriage would be better if you had more sex. Reply to him that if your marriage were better you would WANT more sex.

[Bonsoir]

Sex is a great way of relaxing together and forgetting the stresses and strains of everyday life. It definitely oils a relationship.

[Rubirosa]

None since the beginning of June. Before that we were averaging once a fortnight I think but seems to have fallen by the wayside recently.

[ShowOfHands]

Doesn't matter what everybody else is doing, what's happening in your relationship is either right for you both or not.

I have an 11mo (and a 5yr old) and post birth, particularly while bfing and sleep deprived, I just do not want sex. I feel touched out with my body just being a vessel which caters for the physical demands of other people. DH understands this completely and also understands that intimacy, affection etc can be achieved without full blown sex.

Can you start by thinking about what you do want? Time? Support? Sleep? Help? A cuddle? Desire isn't something you just switch on. It's a natural conclusion. If the avenues to it are blocked ie you feel tired or in demand or pressured or a million other things, it just seems like the most unattractive prospect in the world.

[blackcatsdancing]

the sex drive does leave women when they have young children (it did for me too) but sex for most couples is part of the glue that holds the relationship together. My ex and i later split up. He wanted more sex, i wanted more help with the baby, he started staying out late and lying about where he was, i suspect he started seeing someone else but by then things had degenerated so far i didn't really care much anymore as my needs weren't being met- as his weren't either. I was very young at the time and we weren't really suited so it was never going to last long term.

On my side i should have placed a bit more importance on him and a bit less on the baby. Sex for women is often cited as use it or lose it. I know it isnt true for all women but it is for me. I can go for very long periods of time without sex when i've been single without caring . If you want to improve your relationship i'd reccomend trying to get your sex life back on track. its not all down to you though, he will have to make an effort also. My ex used to just expect me to want to have sex when there had been no warm up, and i started not wanting him to even cuddle me or kiss me , as a cuddle or a kiss always led to him thinking i would want to have sex. well actually a cuddle on the sofa some evenings, some little touches throughout the day, a nice kiss from time to time and a bit more help at home and then i'd have probably been more amenable to his advances! I think he thought it would be like when we were first together, well long term sex lives are never like that.

[Sunny08]

I don't want this to sound insensitive but just coming at it from another perspective. My husband and I resumed having sex about 2 - 3 weeks after the birth of my son (18mths ago), we go through stages but it is always around 5 - 6 times a week, we always go to bed together, we always kiss each other hello and goodbye etc. Our 'encournters' don't always result in actual full on sex but is based around intimacy, closeness and time together.
I recognise my husband needs this level of intimacy and do I. Maybe it is more to do with the sort of people we are but I think both of us would feel rejected or that there was a problem if the other no longer wanted this.
My point being don't focus on the sex maybe and focus on intimacy and touch, if this leads to sex etc that's great and if it doesn't that's great too. It is the initiamcy that matters IMO that is!

[blackcatsdancing]

that last bit wasn't clear. i wanted more affection but i didn't want that if in his head any touch i accepted meant the green light for sex.
I agree with what showofhands said, think about what you want and tell him. You probably do feel right now like you never want sex with him again but if little changes start happening you may gradually feel quite differently. There should be no pressure on you to have to have sex until you want to but likewise there are many ways to combat this and to increase your own desire for him .

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

As a pg mother of a 13 months and 5 year old I understand what you're saying.

I don't sleep in bed anymore. Once my head hits the pillow I pass out

However, as much as I understand how you feel and you absolutely don't have to have sex if you don't want to, it is still very important that you and your dh are getting some alone time to be a couple.

How does your dh feel about it? Is he supportive of how you feel and accepting, or frustrated?

If I were you I'd have a good chat with my dh and just make sure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet as it were, and if things need to change then it's something to consider.

But any understanding dh will accept that as a mother of young uns, your priority is not sex ATM.

FYI, when I'm pg we generally don't have sex at all. Once baby is 4 months ish, maybe twice a week ish. Not a rule though. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then hard cheese dh.

Don't beat yourself up about what others are doing. What works for you and dh is what's important. I know of a woman who dresses up every night so her and dh can have porn sex!! And she doesn't even like it !!!! Crazy, silly woman.

[KentuckyFriedChildren]

My sex drive never left when my dcs were tiny. We don't have loads of sex but it is fairly regular. It's more to do with dhs job that its not more regular as we are not in the same bed every night. If we were I suppose twice a week maybe?

[flyoverthehill]

YANBU, but if they dont have sex (just cos your pg, or running yourself ragged after a toddler) they will go elsewhere. Do a bit less cleaning and a bit more lovin'. Men dont cheat because the house is a bit mucky, but they do if their not getting it. They actually don't see this as cheating, more like just checking their still God's gift (should that be git ?) This isn't your fault, but it is your problem.....oh shit I'm starting to sound like my mother .......better go and burn my judgey pants !!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Cantthinkofafunnynickname]

Not often enough - only when I see my FWB (x2) which isnt often enough

[BertieBotts]

Have I walked into a time warp?

If your husband has an affair, he's an arse. Even if you never ever had sex this is no justification. You don't OWE him sex. You are not RESPONSIBLE for his sexual "needs".

[knickyknocks]

I agree with Bertie. Not sure if do a bit less cleaning and a bit more lovin was necessary. It's not 1962.
All relationships go through peaks and troughs of sexual desires. Right now, being in the midst of first trimester nausea and vomiting, I couldn't think of anything worse than DTD. My hubby hasn't complained about the lack of sex or anything. We love each other and I know he wouldn't contemplate going elsewhere.

[SoreenSiren]

My kids are a lot older but I still remember worrying myself sick when they were babies because I really didn't want sex. Think it's a natural feeling due to hormones and tiredness, probably nature's contraceptive. If your partner wants more sex, try explaining to him that you need to feel loved and cherished to feel close enough to him to want sex. It's then up to him to make the effort to do what's needed - spend more time with you, be more helpful with the kids or around the house or whatever.

Try not to worry about it too much, though. If you can concentrate on caring for each other everything else will sort itself out. Good luck!

[rachelfruitloop]

I have 2 DSs, 5 years and 2 years. DH and I have sex about once a fortnight (or 3 weeks!) I hardly ever want it, but I am very tired and have a low sex drive anyway. DH works shifts, which also doesn't help. DH would like to do the deed more often. We have had discussions over the past 2 years about how I feel a bit overwhelmed by my "obligations" as a mum and a wife, and can completely relate to what BlackCatsDancing has said about any sort of touch of affection being seen as a green light for sex. It's much better when we're clear about communicating what we want - when we start cuddling, I let him know if there's no chance for it. Or he let's me know if it's just a cuddle he's after or has more on his mind. I find that if I don't have my guard up, sometimes I actually feel more in the mood after a bit of cuddling. I think the communication is key - this is not an easy time in anyone's relationship, the sexual draught when you have small children is really common. Because we keep talking about it, DH and I feel like this is something we're coping with together rather than suffering through alone, and I think we are both able to stay hopeful that it will improve soon as the DCs get a bit older and try out new solutions as time goes on.

[DinahMoHum]

We have sex pretty much every day. Its not about sex though its about intimacy.We are very close, loving and affectionate with each other. We have 3 kids and have been together 7 years. I dont think weve ever gone much more than a week without sexual contact or intimacy if not full sex, even after childbirth etc. Its as big a need for me as it is for him.
I think if someone isnt meeting their partners sexual needs and theres no real reason for it and one of you isnt happy about it, then I think its important to look into reasons why its like that. If its an unhappiness in the relationship that can be worked on?
I think if you are expecting and requiring a monogamous relationship then you absolutely ARE responsible for at least making an effort to meet your partners needs and if you dont want to then you should consider either ending the relationship, or exploring non-monogamy

[flyoverthehill]

knicky I was being facetious, men cheat because they cant keep their dick in their pants ! Some men are just players, and whatever happens at home wont stop them playing away, and some men (I don't know why I'm saying men) some people are totally loyal, whatever shit is going on, and some can't be trusted at all

[blackcatsdancing]

i really rate John Gottman's books on relationship and I know he has one called "and baby makes three". i've not read it but there is a section in there on sex /intimacy as well as dealing with conflicts and other usual issues couples with young children face. Might be worth reading?

[knickyknocks]

Sorry flyover for taking your post too literally. Looks like a bit of first trimester touchiness from me......you're right there will always be players and those who are always loyal.