Please be kind, I'm feeling very raw - other people who have stayed with their husbands please come and advise

[ickywickyyicky]

I've just found out about "D"H sleeping with another woman. I am mad at him, but we've been going through a rough time lately, not excusing him, but I think I want to give it another shot. I just can't face the thought of dating again as much as anything else, and such hopes for the future, after a tough time recently things were starting to look up - famous last words! Been married 10 years - and just feel like its been a waste!

At the moment just feel sick, but have DD to think about. We were meant to be trying for another baby! Looks like that's put on hold then. I look at him and can't believe he'd do something like this.

How do you go about trusting again ..... am so mad with the other woman at the moment - found out from a letter in DH's pocket when put jeans into the wash. (She'd given it him the day before.) And in it she told him to give my DD a big hug from her! Oh and apparently its only his decision whether we have another baby and not hers or mine! I'd be carrying the baby for 9mths WTF. (She is a married mum of 3 by the way that he used to go to school with and who got back in touch with him this May.)

Please tell me it gets easier - as at the moment I'm just trying not to cry in front of DD. Sorry for venting but only person I can talk to in RL, and who wouldn't be judgemental about considering staying with him, is in hospital.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Glad you have started your own thread.

So sorry to hear you are in this situation Sadly you are in for a rollercoaster ride with lots of lows and difficult times.

Ask for time and space to process your emotions and thoughts.

You can't make any long term decisions for a while as once the shock has worn off, you will change your mind lots of time as to whether you want to carry on with the relationship.

Please remember none of this is your fault - even if things were not good, instead of talking, suggesting relate etc, he made the choice to check out of the marriage and cheat.

He will need to do some work on himself - affairs are all about the cheater's issues and flaws.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Confide in close friends/family to get real life support.

Be kind to yourself.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

And get both of you tested for STDs

[ickywickyyicky]

No danger of STD's for me - he hasn't slept with me since he got back into contact with her! However I've already given him the details for the local clinic!

He claims he can't remember everything - just the bit about her trying to take his shirt off and him not wanting her to cos of his flabby stomach / stretch marks. And claims he didn't mean to but didn't know how to tell her he wanted to stop. My response has been pretty damn rude! I can't work out if he really can't remember ..... do they really not remember if they are feeling guilty? I have a photographic / video memory, and DH's is pretty crap .... but that crap?

All our arguments in past revolved around how he will do what anyone else wants without thinking of me / DD because I am capable and they are weaker than me so he feels sorry for them.

No financial problems either - I'm the stronger one financially. But I'm damned if he is going to get anything out of me if I can help it ........ I want to keep my house for me and DD if he leaves.

Still want to deck OW for telling him to hug our DD for her. I so hope her husband finds out. Don't like feeling this evil - but the self-justifying crap in her letter to my "d"H really made me want to punch her.

Thanks for the book recommendation MadaboutChoc- now have it on kindle and have started reading!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Hope you slept ok.

Re STDs, that's one thing less to worry about.

You would be amazed at how many cheaters "can't remember" what happened If he was really remorseful, he would have been honest and open about what happened.

His past behaviour of not prioritising you or DD is a red flag. Cheaters usually will have displayed character flaws prior to the cheating. This is something he will need to address should you want to take him back.

Stay strong x

[boodles]

I am so sorry that you are going though this. Some fantastic advise already has been given so I won't add to that.

As far as the 'not remembering', what a load of crap. Sorry, he just doesn't want to tell you because it will make him feel bad, well fuck that. Also until he stops blaming her 'I didn't know how to stop her' again, a load of crap. Until he can really be totally honest in his part in this how can you move forward. He is playing the 'poor me, she made me have sex with her' card. She didn't, he knew what he was doing and he needs to be honest.

[Pommymumof3]

Has she actually met your DD? Sounds like an odd thing to say unless he's actually introduced them.....

[maleview70]

Cheats will always tell you the bare minimum, always try to blame the other party and usually put on the tears to make you actually feel sorry for them rather than hate them.

It's all an act of course and those that fall for it are setting themselves up for more hurt in the future.

Don't blame the other women. Your husband is to blame on your side. She has no loyalty to you. He should have had every loyalty.

Even if you do want to stay together you need to make it clear how close he has come to losing everything. I would start by throwing him out for a few months 1. To give yourself space and 2. To see how he responds and what he does to try to put things right.

Living in the same house won't help because you will just keep being reminded of what he did whilst you are still raw.

Good luck

[CogitoErgOlympics]

I'm sorry but it doesn't get easier, it gets harder. The first shock response is often that you don't want anything to change.... fear of being alone is very powerful. You're blaming yourself which is also pretty normal. 'If only I'd been nicer, maybe he wouldn't... ' etc.

But the reason it gets harder is that, once the shock wears off and you have time to think, you'll realise that he's taken you for a fool.... and then your self-esteem will be on the carpet. You're describing a selfish, lazy man that doesn't seem especially apologetic, probably won't change and who you simply can't trust in anything he says or does.

I know it's very difficult, but this is the time when you need to talk to the friends that you don't want to listen to.

[OlympyWindowMash]

I stayed with my H after an affair. It takes a long time to start trusting again, in fact I have probably never been able to 100% trust him since. It sounds like firstly you need a lot more honesty from him and the full story, and a lot of time to process it all before you can even think about trusting again. If he wants to stay and you are prepared to give it a try, then he needs to be really truly sorry. Is he? Saying he can't remember is a load of crap. He needs to answer all your questions, however many there are, about times, places etc, if you want to know. He also needs to give you constant reassurance whenever you need it. You can't even begin to think about trusting without that. He also needs to be honest about the thinking behind the affair - what made him feel justified in doing this? I would suggest you both get counselling either individually or as a couple.

[Lucyellensmum99]

you said your H is sleeping with another woman? does that mean he is STILL seeing her?? I suspect she isn't going to let go without a fight - if it wasn't for the fact that she has children i'd be straight on the phone to her husband (out of pure vindictiveness) but i don't suggest you do that.

So sorry that you are going through this - i tend to agree with cogito but after the difficult time, it will get easier, whatever you decide.